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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 18:11:58 GMT
General discussion: Is being early just as rude as being late?
Specific situation: I have a friend who is always early every time we make plans. And I don’t just mean a few minutes early, I mean 15-20-30 minutes early, on a couple of occasions as much as an hour early.
I am a right on time person. I do think being late is rude and being habitually late is inexcusable.
Obviously, if we are meeting in public, her being early doesn’t affect me much. She’s welcome to spend her time waiting in her car or in a lobby or whatever if she finds that preferable to stressing about being late.
The problem is when we have plans that involve her coming to my house.
For example, Friday I invited her to my house to hang out at 2:00. She rang my doorbell at 1:30. This was an issue because DS2 was in a music lesson from 1-1:45. So the doorbell interrupted his lesson, I had to leave his lesson to go to the door, have a conversation with her that I wasn’t available right now and she could wait in her car or sit at the dining room table, but I couldn’t visit with her until the music teacher left. I was annoyed, the teacher was annoyed, DS2 was distracted and annoyed.
Another time we were going to an event together and she asked if I wanted to carpool and I said yes. She said she would pick me up at 6:30. At 6:15 she texts “I’m here.” I wasn’t quite ready and I ended up getting in her car at 6:30 on the dot. She was annoyed she had to wait for me.
This has happened dozens of times with her.
I have a pretty full schedule with 3 kids all with various lessons, classes, and activities, and I just don’t have enough wiggle room in my day to accommodate her whenever she shows up. It stresses me out greatly that I never know exactly when she’s going to arrive.
I understand some people have the mentality of “if you’re not early, you’re late,” and that can make sense when it comes to things like work and airports and theater shows. But surely there’s some limit as to how it applies to expecting other people to be as early as you are in a friend situation.
I have tried being very frank with her and saying something like “I will not be ready early” when we make plans and that does seem to cut down on how early she is, but doesn’t eliminate it entirely.
I’m going to have to talk to her about it again…or start giving her fake times the way people do with habitually late offenders.
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Post by rymeswithpurple on Apr 8, 2024 18:17:10 GMT
I am definitely a "has to be there 15 minutes early" sort of person when it comes to appointments and the like because the traffic in the area where I live can be absolutely awful, and I want to provide ample time in case anything goes awry. I don't mind waiting in the car. If I don't have a book to read, I can play on my phone. I was 1/2 hour early to a vet appointment this morning because it was a new to me office, and I had taken the day off anyway. I completely understood they couldn't get us in until the actual appointment time. I'm also the type of person who will be at the airport hours early and still worry about missing my flight while being at my gate.
That said, if I was waiting for someone and was early, I could still find a way to keep myself busy. Maybe ask her to find a book or something to occupy her time if she insists on being there earlier than she needs to be? I would be upset if she had interrupted something like she did for your DS.
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Post by melanell on Apr 8, 2024 18:18:15 GMT
Being too early can definitely be rude in my mind, BUT, it depends on how you handle being early.
I completely understand wanting to be sure you are not late, by leaving ahead of time, and giving yourself longer than you should need to reach your destination. Because you never know what may happen during your travel time.
But when I arrive, and I now have 20 minutes before I'm expected, I don't go ring the bell or text the person that I'm there & waiting. In fact, if possible, if I'm picking someone up, I'll try not to even park at their residence for 15 of those 20 minutes, but perhaps down the block if i can, instead. That way they don't feel the pressure of me being there waiting.
Now, if my sibling or best friend or mom is having a party, and I ask ahead of time if they could use a hand setting up, then in a case like that, I'd arrive early and go right in. But even then, as I said, I'd ask first. if they said "No thanks", then I'd act the same way---if I arrived "too early" I'd wait out of sight. Set a timer, read a book, and they get to get ready in peace, and I get to arrive feeling calm because I had the time buffer for any unforeseen circumstances.
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mich5481
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,535 
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Post by mich5481 on Apr 8, 2024 18:22:38 GMT
I do find it rude, especially to show up to someone's house that early.
I would definitely give her fake times!
In a former life, my old boss had an appointment with a journalist. I showed up on time, but he was about 15 minutes late. I had to listen to her complain about people always making her wait when they are late, and how she was waiting 30 minutes for my boss, because she had arrived 15 minutes early. I wanted to tell her that those first 15 minutes were on her.
I am someone who is frequently late. I don't think of my time as more valuable than others, I struggle with optimistic expectations about travel time and ADHD. I am ok if you get started without me, as long as you start at the agreed upon time - don't start early.
I'm also someone who loathes the statement that "early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable." I lived in a very military heavy community, and it was a super popular saying. I wanted to tell people to get off their high horses, especially since so many of them ducked out of things before they were finished.
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Post by busy on Apr 8, 2024 18:26:54 GMT
I think early is also rude. It's assuming that you are more important than whatever the other person had immediately before.
If you allot a ton of extra time to get somewhere because traffic can be unpredictable, great. But independently occupy yourself until the agreed upon time.
Even texting or calling someone and saying you're going to be early isn't great. A lot of people have trouble saying no and you could be putting them in a difficult spot. Yes, not being able to say no is on them, but still. Just show up on time.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,643
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Apr 8, 2024 18:29:10 GMT
Fifteen minutes I'd be fine with, but beyond that I'd be upset. There is such a thing as too early.
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Post by Zee on Apr 8, 2024 18:29:55 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them.
Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years.
I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that.
Another ETA: but I still love you. You're one of the most fascinating people here. 😁
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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 18:32:24 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. I’m busy. My kids are busy. That seems normal. It’s what this season of life is like. Sure, for retired people or whatever a who cares about the time attitude might work. I’ve got stuff to do. You’ve never been in a class and been distracted by people talking when the teacher is trying to talk? That also seems like a super normal thing to me. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 8, 2024 18:32:38 GMT
Yes. Especially if the person has been told in advance that you won’t be ready until the agreed upon meeting time. Nothing chaps me more than having a party or gathering at my house with a set starting time and having people show up super early while I’m still rushing around attending to last minute food, decorations, setting up tables and chairs, taking out trash or whatnot. Don’t show up more than five minutes early if you aren’t planning on being put to work.
For someone like you’ve mentioned who comes to my house just to hang out or something and has a tendency to show up that early, I would literally stick a post it note on the front door that says, “I’ll be ready when I said I’d be ready. See you then! Thank you for your patience.” 🤣 If she texted me saying she was here, I would reply with the same thing. People who don’t respect my time don’t tend to get much of it. YMMV.
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Post by Zee on Apr 8, 2024 18:38:09 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. I’m busy. My kids are busy. That seems normal. It’s what this season of life is like. Sure, for retired people or whatever a who cares about the time attitude might work. I’ve got stuff to do. You’ve never been in a class and been distracted by people talking when the teacher is trying to talk? That also seems like a super normal thing to me. I'm not retired, but I see your "you're all old" and raise you one "I have a lot more responsibilities than scheduling my kids' lessons because I actually work and yet I still don't get bent over 30 minutes". Now we can senselessly argue over who is ACTUALLY busy, because this is the Peas. 😂 |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 8, 2024 18:43:49 GMT
Well, take my opinion with a grain of salt because other than a show or a doctor appointment, I don't care one whit about anyone being late (and I usually am) so I'll just say, I couldn't care less if someone is early either. Like Zee I just don't usually tell my friends that I need to get together at 2 pm and not one single minute sooner, but in your case, I don't understand why you didn't do just that. I mean you were busy until 2pm. That's something I would have said. Just like when I'm running late, I send a message that says, traffic is bad, be there in 15 minutes. It's less rude/not rude and more just communicating with our friends. And I'm not chastising you because I think you learned a lesson with this friend so I doubt you'll make the same choices with her going forward. So in my mind, this is NBD. |
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,838
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Post by peppermintpatty on Apr 8, 2024 18:45:13 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. Another ETA: but I still love you. You're one of the most fascinating people here. 😁 Wow. Really? I would have an issue with someone who believed this. Why are you blasting her parenting skills. I wouldn't want to be your friend if that is how you feel. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 8, 2024 18:46:45 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. Another ETA: but I still love you. You're one of the most fascinating people here. 😁 I’m with Myshelly on this one. She said her kid was distracted and annoyed which to me doesn’t equal totally flustered. 🤷🏻♀️ Having just started with private music lessons for my kid, I could understand the kid being distracted if someone showed up randomly during your lesson and was just hanging around, especially if the person could be seen or heard. Plus at $60+ an hour for an instructor (that’s what ours charges), literally every minute counts. Our lady sets a timer like lawyers use for billable minutes and when your time is up, you’re done because she usually has another kid waiting out in their car for their lesson to start. |
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,329
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Post by amom23 on Apr 8, 2024 18:47:52 GMT
Yes I think being too early is rude.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 8, 2024 18:48:25 GMT
I don’t like to arrive early; however, as a host I’m always ready 15 mins early just in case guests arrive.
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Post by busy on Apr 8, 2024 18:48:40 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. Another ETA: but I still love you. You're one of the most fascinating people here. 😁 I work from home. I have pretty highly scheduled days. I’m often on a call until right before a social engagement. I set times with people for reasons - because my schedule isn’t fluid. Now, if a friend showed up 30 minutes early for lunch and I was in a meeting, I’d let them in and tell them to make themselves at home, but honestly - even that means I’m missing part of a meeting I should be paying attention to. It’s more respectful for everyone to be on time IMO. I don’t get why it’s bad to have a friend be “an appointment” - between work, travel, kid activities, and family time, I’d never get to spend time with my friends if we didn’t “make appointments.” Fortunately, I guess, most of my friends are similarly busy and aren’t offended by scheduling time together. |
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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 18:49:15 GMT
I’m busy. My kids are busy. That seems normal. It’s what this season of life is like. Sure, for retired people or whatever a who cares about the time attitude might work. I’ve got stuff to do. You’ve never been in a class and been distracted by people talking when the teacher is trying to talk? That also seems like a super normal thing to me. I'm not retired, but I see your "you're all old" and raise you one "I have a lot more responsibilities than scheduling my kids' lessons because I actually work and yet I still don't get bent over 30 minutes". Now we can senselessly argue over who is ACTUALLY busy, because this is the Peas. 😂 So if someone came over while you were trying to get ready for work, you’d just say oh well, don’t want to be uptight, I’ll just let you come on in and disrupt my schedule? The hospital won’t get bent over 30 minutes? |
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Post by gar on Apr 8, 2024 18:50:24 GMT
Yes, it can be.
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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 18:51:29 GMT
I've never invited a friend over with such a strict time schedule. She's not an appointment. Being told I can wait in my car until my appointed time would see the end of my visit, any future visits, and my need to count you as a friend. The fact that this totally flustered your son makes me wonder about the social skills you're teaching them. Actually, I don't wonder--you've made your unique way of interacting with others pretty well known over the years. I wouldn't normally show up 30 minutes early but then again visits with my friends aren't tightly scheduled like that. Another ETA: but I still love you. You're one of the most fascinating people here. 😁 I’m with Myshelly on this one. She said her kid was distracted and annoyed which to me doesn’t equal totally flustered. 🤷🏻♀️ Having just started with private music lessons for my kid, I could understand the kid being distracted if someone showed up randomly during your lesson and was just hanging around, especially if the person could be seen or heard. Plus at $60+ an hour for an instructor (that’s what ours charges), literally every minute counts. Our lady sets a timer like lawyers use for billable minutes and when your time is up, you’re done because she usually has another kid waiting out in their car for their lesson to start. This is exactly how it works. I’m literally paying by the minute. And I would absolutely expect a concert pianist to be able to keep playing through an interruption, but my elementary school kid is pretty easily distracted 🤷🏻♀️ |
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,759
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 8, 2024 18:58:24 GMT
But when I arrive, and I now have 20 minutes before I'm expected, I don't go ring the bell or text the person that I'm there & waiting. In fact, if possible, if I'm picking someone up, I'll try not to even park at their residence for 15 of those 20 minutes, but perhaps down the block if i can, instead. That way they don't feel the pressure of me being there waiting. This is me. I am always early but I will wait until 5 minutes before to "show up". |
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Post by Zee on Apr 8, 2024 19:00:08 GMT
I'm not retired, but I see your "you're all old" and raise you one "I have a lot more responsibilities than scheduling my kids' lessons because I actually work and yet I still don't get bent over 30 minutes". Now we can senselessly argue over who is ACTUALLY busy, because this is the Peas. 😂 So if someone came over while you were trying to get ready for work, you’d just say oh well, don’t want to be uptight, I’ll just let you come on in and disrupt my schedule? The hospital won’t get bent over 30 minutes? I wouldn't invite someone over while I'm getting ready for work. It would be on a day I'm only planning on seeing them. As I already said, I don't plan time with friends on a schedule where 30 minutes would make me or my kids flustered. (You couldn't have just answered the door? Why do you need to be present for the entire lesson, if there is an instructor?) Why have her come over at all if your time is so tightly scheduled? Does she have a scheduled end time as well? Do you have to schedule every get together with friends with a calendar? Are you ever spontaneously available? Do you let your kids visit with friends spontaneously, or are their friends scheduled too? How long will you schedule their social lives? So many questions. I don't really care about the answers, but I do always enjoy your responses. |
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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 19:01:24 GMT
I’m busy. My kids are busy. That seems normal. It’s what this season of life is like. Sure, for retired people or whatever a who cares about the time attitude might work. I’ve got stuff to do. You’ve never been in a class and been distracted by people talking when the teacher is trying to talk? That also seems like a super normal thing to me. I'm not retired, but I see your "you're all old" and raise you one "I have a lot more responsibilities than scheduling my kids' lessons because I actually work and yet I still don't get bent over 30 minutes". Now we can senselessly argue over who is ACTUALLY busy, because this is the Peas. 😂 And honestly, it’s 2024. Can women stop attacking and name calling each other about who has a “real job” or “more responsibilities”. This is just gross. Why do we do this to parents? |
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Post by katlady on Apr 8, 2024 19:03:39 GMT
Yes, being too early can be rude, at least I think so. Especially when coming over to the house. If the party starts at 5, don’t show up at 4:30 and expect to be entertained. And I am with myshelly on the piano lessons. The class was interrupted. It was a distraction to the child and instructor. |
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Post by Zee on Apr 8, 2024 19:05:14 GMT
I'm not retired, but I see your "you're all old" and raise you one "I have a lot more responsibilities than scheduling my kids' lessons because I actually work and yet I still don't get bent over 30 minutes". Now we can senselessly argue over who is ACTUALLY busy, because this is the Peas. 😂 And honestly, it’s 2024. Can women stop attacking and name calling each other about who has a “real job” or “more responsibilities”. This is just gross. Why do we do this to parents? Lolol that was my point. You know what you did, ma'am. Your same MO as always: "you're all old, I'm very busy, you're all out of touch". |
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,421
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Apr 8, 2024 19:07:39 GMT
Yes, more than 15 minutes is rude. I'd rather you not show up at my house more than 10 minutes early, there is no traffic here, everything takes the same amount of time everytime to get somewhere. If you're here 30-60 mins you can sit alone while I ignore you and finish getting ready, myself, the house, the food, whatever.
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Post by myshelly on Apr 8, 2024 19:08:43 GMT
So if someone came over while you were trying to get ready for work, you’d just say oh well, don’t want to be uptight, I’ll just let you come on in and disrupt my schedule? The hospital won’t get bent over 30 minutes? I wouldn't invite someone over while I'm getting ready for work. It would be on a day I'm only planning on seeing them. As I already said, I don't plan time with friends on a schedule where 30 minutes would make me or my kids flustered. (You couldn't have just answered the door? Why do you need to be present for the entire lesson, if there is an instructor?) Why have her come over at all if your time is so tightly scheduled? Does she have a scheduled end time as well? Do you have to schedule every get together with friends with a calendar? Are you ever spontaneously available? Do you let your kids visit with friends spontaneously, or are their friends scheduled too? How long will you schedule their social lives? So many questions. I don't really care about the answers, but I do always enjoy your responses. First of all, I never used the word flustered. No one was flustered. We were all annoyed. Yes, I schedule everything, as do all of the other women I know. This is 100% normal for scheduling friend time in every friend circle I have ever been a part of since I had kids. Yes, my kids have scheduled friend time. How would unscheduled friend time even work? How do people show up at the same place at the same time if you don’t schedule it first? I literally don’t even understand what that means. Of course everything is scheduled. Every kid has to check with their mom when they make plans, why are you acting like that is a crazy only me thing? Kids have to ask their parents, ask for a ride, tell their parents what time to pick them up…how could any of that be unscheduled. Kids make their own plans when they get a license and have free use of their own car, until that stage of life every child depends on their parent for their socializing. I have to be in the lesson because that’s the studio’s policy, I assume for insurance purposes. You can’t see how an adult being alone in a room unsupervised with a minor, one on one, might be an issue that the studio chooses to avoid by saying “parents must attend lessons”? I assume it’s also because the studio wants the parents to handle discipline, but that hasn’t been an issue for us. |
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Post by bbkeef on Apr 8, 2024 19:14:52 GMT
You need to do this exactly! start giving her fake times the way people do with habitually late offenders |
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Post by busy on Apr 8, 2024 19:16:32 GMT
Why have her come over at all if your time is so tightly scheduled? Does she have a scheduled end time as well? Do you have to schedule every get together with friends with a calendar? Are you ever spontaneously available? Do you let your kids visit with friends spontaneously, or are their friends scheduled too? How long will you schedule their social lives? I know you're not asking me this but this is a super frustrating attitude. I travel a lot for work - about ten nights a month - so my time at home is limited to begin with, but that doesn't mean my relationships matter less to me. That means I have to fit everything with family and friends to fit in a lot less time. So yes, I do have to plan every get together with a calendar. It's just my reality at this point in time. While most friends don't travel as much as me, they also have complicated schedules and wouldn't be available for random get togethers either. My kid schedules his own social events and does things spontaneously sometimes - but even he mostly schedules things with friends because they all have different extracurricular schedules, etc. so it's not that often they are all available to hang spontaneously. It feels unkind to imply that we're shitty friends because we schedule time with the people who matter to us. FWIW, my friend who is the most difficult to schedule time with is a SAHM. Her kids are 14 & 16 and both on club swim teams. That takes up SO MUCH TIME. We just scheduled to go out for drinks in JUNE because that was the first time she had a weekend evening available. |
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,864
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 8, 2024 19:16:40 GMT
30 minutes to 1 hour early at your house is rude. How does she know the host isn't still trying to get ready?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 8, 2024 19:19:48 GMT
Not that I don't totally own that I am weird, but...my kids just randomly went outside and played with other random neighborhood kids. Like they walked over, knocked on the door and asked to play. Neighbor kids did the same knocking at our door. 90% of my kids play was not scheduled. I mean sure they had friends outside the neighborhood and I took them there. But like daily play? Was unscheduled.
I have some friends in the neighborhood where I live. It's not uncommon for someone to shoot a text, you available? Me to say, yes I am. And then them to walk to my door 5 minutes later.
My parents were the same way with their friends when I was a kid.
So totally, if any pea wants to drop by for a visit, no advance planning needed. 😂
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