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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 12:45:17 GMT
DH's mom is in a group nursing home (not really a facility, but a private home that provides 24 hr care), very close to my SIL (his sister). She (and her husband) have been expressed interest in their childhood home. They have been going out probably every other week to mow and do some maintenance. It's approx 1.5-2 hrs from where they live.
DH did not have a happy childhood and has said the house/memories attached physically make him ill. He has basically said that if she wants the house, she can have it. I cautioned him bc there is a half brother who should probably be included in those decsions, but DH doesn't talk to him. DH feels that since she was the primary caretaker of their parents (she has to take care of all appointments and transport my MIL), she should pay herself the time it takes to manage the estate (not just the property, but her care and assets, etc). I dont believe my SIL has done that tho.
My FIL passed so now it's just my MIL, and my SIL wants to bring my MIL back to the home and live there. I would assume she needs to hire 24 hr care. But the other thing is that my SIL feels the home needs renovations. There is only 1.5 bathrooms, and the one full bathroom has a shower/tub combo, so that will probably have to be taken out so they can put in a shower that is much easier for them. There is an unfinished basement where the laundry is, but my MIL is in a wheelchair, so I doubt she'd ever go down there anyway.
Anyways, my SIL wants to use the mom's money to pay for some of the renovations. This is starting to make my DH uneasy because when he basically told her he felt she should have the house, he had no idea of its worth. He thought maybe 200K but I showed him on zillow its actually probably worth 350-400K, in a desireable school district. Any renovations will increase the value of the house, and he is now thinking this may not be fair to him and the brother to pay to renovate a house that won't be part of the final estate. Now that she wants to use the mom's money to renovate, he is pausing. What if they make these renovations and the mom doesn't make it? or is only there for a year or so? What happens if this 24 hr care or other health issues occur and blows through her savings? The house was an asset that they could sell if they need to. I think my SIL and BIL want the house transferred into their name bc if they put money into it, they don't want to lose that either.
She and her husband are coming down here this weekend to discuss plans. I have plans with my daughter, and it's probably best if I am not around anyway. While I support my husband's feelings, I feel he may have been too quick to agree to things (ie, giving her the house) without knowing all the facts, plus there is this half brother that probably needs to be onboard.
I just want to help my DH think of all things before this meeting. He thinks just the bathroom but I asked, can a wheelchair even get thru the halls or the doors (it was built in the 1960s). He said there is only so much they can do in the footprint of the house, but I personally think that if you are willing to spend money, you can do a lot (ie extend the footprint, build up, finish the basement, etc).
Have any peas dealt with this? A part of me wondered if it would be best to have the "estate" sell the house to them, and then use that money that goes into the estate to pay for some renovations, such as the bathroom. That way if there is some event that wipes out her money, the house is untouchable bc it would be owned by my SIL & BIL?
**************
Update: So SIL and BIL came on Saturday and DH was very quiet until Tuesday. I didnt push but he told me they brought papers to sign and left him. He brought up many of the things I mentioned the peas mentioned here, plus some stuff on reddit. I found a MD website that clearly stated about the 5 yr reach back for medicade, consequences of selling or gifting the house for less than market value, etc. He especially paused when I mentioned what happens if something happens to SIL, she is early 50s and BIL is early 40s - will BIL take care of MIL? They dont have kids. What if her savings runs out? That really seems to make him think. He thinks she has plenty of money, and is currently not using her savings, but using only social security, but I told him, she needs 24 hr care. That can really add up.
He didn't sign anything, and I looked at the paper (which was filled out), this is what they want him to sign:
Affidavit and Consent
I, DH, do swear and affirm under penalty of perjury the following:
1. I am the son of MIL who is legally incompetent.
2. I am a remainder-person in a Life Estate deed with full powers excuted by MIL and FIL (deceased) on XYZ date, and recorded among t he land records of X county address, ("the property")
3. I hearby irrecovably concent to SIL, as POA and Atty in Fact for MIL, exercising such POA to transfer the Property, for no consideration, to SIL and BIL.
4. I understand this this transfer will extinguish any rights I may have in the Property after the death of MIL.
I solemly affirm under the penalities of perjury that the contents of the forgeoing are true, to the best of my knowledge, information, and belief.
Date__________ and then DH's siggy space
So, they were going back to a lawyer with more questions I guess. I asked what does 1/2 brother say about all this, and he said apparently they have been trying to meet with him, but he won't unless his wife is there, and I guess that hasn't happened. It does seem cut and dry, he just gives up his rights to the property, which I guess means if they run thru her money, they either have to possibly sell the house or pay for her care? I don't know if that was discussed, or what happens if she has to go into a facility.
They did say the plan was to just fix/renovate what they needed to get her in the house (ie the bathroom), and then they would do a much more extensive renovation after she passed. They just don't want to put money into a house they don't own...
I am not much feeling better about this... I know DH thinks I am a doomsday thinker, but I feel like he has no idea the costsbut we will keep talking.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 27, 2024 13:19:47 GMT
If I was your DH, I would be consulting with an elder care attorney before they do anything. It might not even be possible at this stage to transfer the house to another family member if the mom ends up needing skilled nursing care in the near future. That was how we ended up buying our friend’s mom’s house when her mom needed the money from the sale of the house for nursing home expenses. A person typically needs to be private pay for a certain length of time before the state will pay for that person’s care in a nursing home.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,040
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Sept 27, 2024 15:01:21 GMT
I would involve an expert, legal with estate, probate and tax knowledge for the state in question.
You need to make decisions collectively with the correct information to avoid issues in the future. Is you MIL capable of making decisions? Has anyone got power of attorney?
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Post by malibou on Sept 27, 2024 15:21:27 GMT
Your husband needs to get someone in to help them navigate this. In my opinion, no way to signing the house over, she hasn't even passed yet. I also disagree with moving her from the care home she is in. This sounds an awful lot like a money grab to me. And definitely no to renovations. She is somewhere safe and secure. Leave her there to live out her time.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 15:44:08 GMT
I would involve an expert, legal with estate, probate and tax knowledge for the state in question. You need to make decisions collectively with the correct information to avoid issues in the future. Is you MIL capable of making decisions? Has anyone got power of attorney? No, she has dementia. My SIL is their POA for medical and financial. |
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Post by sabrinae on Sept 27, 2024 15:53:02 GMT
There’s a lot that goes into estate planning and being able to use assets. They probably need to hire someone who specializes in estate planning and specifically plans around the possible need for Medicaid help as she continues to age. 24 hour care is very expensive and will eat up any money available very fast. If someone uses her assets in ways that don’t directly benefit her, there is a five year look back period where she will not be able to get any aid if there were assets that weren’t used for her benefit even if those assets are now long gone. If they’re not careful they will dog themselves a hole where MIL doesn’t have the necessary resources to be cared for appropriately and there can be legal ramifications if the assets were appropriated.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 15:59:57 GMT
Your husband needs to get someone in to help them navigate this. In my opinion, no way to signing the house over, she hasn't even passed yet. I also disagree with moving her from the care home she is in. This sounds an awful lot like a money grab to me. And definitely no to renovations. She is somewhere safe and secure. Leave her there to live out her time. That is how I feel too - they actually recently moved her to be even closer to my SIL - the group home she was in sold the "business" (I think it was a private home/business) and there were only 2 of the 7 residents left (one of them being my MIL). So my SIL found another group home closer to her, which helps my SIL bc she has to take my MIL to all appointments, and it is easier for them to visit. I haven't heard how she is settling in, I think it literally happened 2 weeks ago. My SIL believes moving her to MIL's house would be better because they have neighbors who I guess would visit and of course she would be in her own house again (which I doubt she'd remember). My SIL and BIL work full time, but even though they work from home, I assume they would have to provide 24 hr care - ya, MIL basically just sits and watches tv, but they would have to make all her meals and feed her (I'm not sure exactly how much she does on her own), and clean her and toilet her, etc.... and IMO that's a full time job and you are foolish not to think it isn't. Plus they are expected to go into the office 1-2x a week, so that means travel to their jobs in the DC area, - a 2 hr, 1 way trip to that job. But they are renting now, so I guess they wouldnt have that cost if they moved to the house, and the occassional commute would be worth it. (That is their decision, I personally wouldnt like that!) Plus I dont think they would move and leave her 2 hrs away, which is why moving her is part of this whole decision. I believe my SIL is speaking to the lawyer that handles the estate, but I haven't gotten any details of what the lawyer says, and which is why they are coming here to discuss with my husband. I just want him to be prepared to think about all the things to either ask the lawyer, or to prepare if they decide to go thru with it. |
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Post by malibou on Sept 27, 2024 16:13:52 GMT
If she is in a care home, I assume it is because she needs care. With your Sil and bil working fulltime, they would need someone to be there with her. Between renovations, moving and a lot of outside help, you are looking at a lot of money, and your dh will probably run into to problems seeing where it's all going.
Does mil need any memory care? If not, I would look at retirement homes that provide all meals, has activities, game rooms, etc. The place where my mom is they come clean her room weekly, do her laundry, if she needs help with meds no problem, if she wants her meals in her room they bring them to her. It's really lovely.
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,295 
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Post by iowgirl on Sept 27, 2024 16:24:10 GMT
What happens if this 24 hr care or other health issues occur and blows through her savings? The house was an asset that they could sell if they need to. What if they make these renovations and the mom doesn't make it? or is only there for a year or so? What happens if this 24 hr care or other health issues occur and blows through her savings? The house was an asset that they could sell if they need to. I think my SIL and BIL want the house transferred into their name bc if they put money into it, they don't want to lose that either. Oh - this is a very dicey situation. First off there is a Medicaid Lookback period. Generally it is 5 years. I believe only New York and California do not have that, but they may have some look back power. The 5 years might not be the same for every state either. But what that means, is if your MIL needs more skilled care and finances are gone and she goes on Medicaid - the state will "look back" 5 years in her finances. Anything that was transferred to anyone not at a "Fair Market Value" will be called back - meaning your SIL would have to repay the amount they set. No way around it. Second, does your MIL have a will stating where she wants her assets divided? If so, that needs to be considered. The only way for this to come out with everyone still somewhat getting along is if you involved an estate attorney but not one that benefits one person more than the others. It needs to be a 3rd party type deal. |
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,425
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Post by amom23 on Sept 27, 2024 16:27:14 GMT
There’s a lot that goes into estate planning and being able to use assets. They probably need to hire someone who specializes in estate planning and specifically plans around the possible need for Medicaid help as she continues to age. 24 hour care is very expensive and will eat up any money available very fast. If someone uses her assets in ways that don’t directly benefit her, there is a five year look back period where she will not be able to get any aid if there were assets that weren’t used for her benefit even if those assets are now long gone. If they’re not careful they will dog themselves a hole where MIL doesn’t have the necessary resources to be cared for appropriately and there can be legal ramifications if the assets were appropriated. Yes to all of this. Having POA doesn't give your SIL the legal right to take your MIL's assets while she is still living. Your DH doesn't have the legal right to "gift" his sister their family home. Now the home can be sold as long as the proceeds go to MIL. Her care needs are going to continue to increase and with that so does the cost. You all need to slow down and seek legal advice. |
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Sept 27, 2024 16:30:28 GMT
There is also a half brother to be concerned about and he might go to court on this now or later. We have had to go to court with an estate. Does the Will state her wishes? Ask how much money she has. Mil lived at home and we had caregivers for two hours a day. When they couldn’t come in we had to go. Caring for a dementia/elderly family member requires around the clock care. She eventually went into a nursing home and socializing with other residents.Every dollar, trip etc your family member does right now should be written in a journal. I do not believe she can be paid for the care. When the estate is finalized your sil might get a portion for finalizing the estate. They can hire a lawn service to cut the grass.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 16:49:52 GMT
If she is in a care home, I assume it is because she needs care. With your Sil and bil working fulltime, they would need someone to be there with her. Between renovations, moving and a lot of outside help, you are looking at a lot of money, and your dh will probably run into to problems seeing where it's all going. Does mil need any memory care? If not, I would look at retirement homes that provide all meals, has activities, game rooms, etc. The place where my mom is they come clean her room weekly, do her laundry, if she needs help with meds no problem, if she wants her meals in her room they bring them to her. It's really lovely.This is very similar to the home she is in now. They do everything for her, she absolutely cannot be left alone. When there were more residents, my DH said it was so nice bc there were people to talk to and interact with, instead of being shut in the house where they lived (and refused to move from). |
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,705
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Sept 27, 2024 16:54:17 GMT
It's not clear to me if SIL would want to live in the house after her mom passes. But something else to consider if the house is "given" to SIL now and she later sells it the base that the capital gains taxes are calculated from is when the house was originally bought by the parents. However if she/they inherited the home and then sell the base is the value of the home when it is inherited. Since the house has gone up a lot in value this is a significant number. Definitely seek professional advice for the best interest of all involved.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Sept 27, 2024 17:00:18 GMT
I think she would need to be an executor to get any compensation from the estate for taking care of final wishes. Any money incurred for gas, lunch etc might need to be documented then distributed. Best to talk to a lawyer, etc about the rules in your area. Dh thinks you might not be able to hear about the Will now. In our Province there are programs available to pay for a wheel chair ramp, grab rails etc
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 17:02:02 GMT
There is also a half brother to be concerned about and he might go to court on this now or later. We have had to go to court with an estate. Does the Will state her wishes? Ask how much money she has. Mil lived at home and we had caregivers for two hours a day. When they couldn’t come in we had to go. Caring for a dementia/elderly family member requires around the clock care. She eventually went into a nursing home and socializing with other residents.Every dollar, trip etc your family member does right now should be written in a journal. I do not believe she can be paid for the care. When the estate is finalized your sil might get a portion for finalizing the estate. They can hire a lawn service to cut the grass. The half brother is related to them thru the father, who has passed. There was also a half sister, but she had passed before DH and I even got married. But yes,he is in the will. When the parents started to decline, DH went up and spent a lot of time trying to get everything in order, but then found he was very limited bc his SIL was the POA, so then she took over all the official management. The will was updated and continues to include the brother. DH claims the brother would (or should) have no problems with arrangements of the care and the house bc 1. its not his mother and 2. DH and SIL have done most of the work, BUT... death and inheritences make people climb out of the woodwork and everyone has their hands out. You think people are cool and then once they think they are getting money, they aren't... I have said that over and over to DH. And yes, they had day care until they were moved into the facility, overnight care was not available or super expensive, I forget. I dont know why SIL thinks it will be different now, or if she can take the night shift? Yes to all of this. Having POA doesn't give your SIL the legal right to take your MIL's assets while she is still living. Your DH doesn't have the legal right to "gift" his sister their family home. Now the home can be sold as long as the proceeds go to MIL. Her care needs are going to continue to increase and with that so does the cost. You all need to slow down and seek legal advice. Again, all that needs to be discussed. I have to stay out of it bc I emotionally get so upset when I think my DH is being minimalized or taken advantage of, which is kind of how I feel here. I'm not fighting for a bigger piee of the pie, I'm just trying to prevent the pie getting eaten and then what happens? He got upset and told me he feels SIL does the lion's share of of the work, so she deserves the house at least, which yes, she does all that stuff now bc DH has zero power she is POA. He can basically visit, but she does include DH on decisions when it comes down to the mothers care. Well its more like she has an idea of what she wants to do (like move their mom) and then runs it by DH who usually just says "whatever makes your life easier." |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 17:03:23 GMT
It's not clear to me if SIL would want to live in the house after her mom passes. But something else to consider if the house is "given" to SIL now and she later sells it the base that the capital gains taxes are calculated from is when the house was originally bought by the parents. However if she/they inherited the home and then sell the base is the value of the home when it is inherited. Since the house has gone up a lot in value this is a significant number. Definitely seek professional advice for the best interest of all involved. Yes, that is the intent. SIL and my new BIL would keep the house, it would be theirs. If they wanted to sell it, then... well what you bring up is exactly what DH is now realizing... ETA I believe the parents were the original owners, and the house was built/bought in the 60s. |
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Post by nightnurse on Sept 27, 2024 17:10:12 GMT
I’m the dissenter. If SIL is caring for MIL and assuming the burden of taking her to appointments, finding her caregivers, checking to see she is well taken care of and even willing to move her back into the home then she deserves the house and the money. 24 h care in or out of a facility is incredibly expensive and may well eat up all the assets. There might not be a house to inherit if mil stays in a care facility for long. Anyone who has not been the primary caretaker of a parent or elderly relative minimizes what’s involved. Every time you or your dh start to feel bad about money you might be missing out on, remember that no one wakes you up while you’re sleeping to help mil to the bathroom or update you because she fell. You’re not taking off work to get her to a doctor’s appointment. Those things are worth more than money, imho
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Post by epeanymous on Sept 27, 2024 17:13:34 GMT
Like everyone else, I think your husband needs to talk to someone who specializes in this for estate planning, medicaid, and other purposes, because honestly this sounds like a mess, and even aside from the substantial financial issues here, I'm not sure how realistic SIL is being about your MIL's care needs.
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amom23
Drama Llama
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Post by amom23 on Sept 27, 2024 17:17:25 GMT
I’m the dissenter. If SIL is caring for MIL and assuming the burden of taking her to appointments, finding her caregivers, checking to see she is well taken care of and even willing to move her back into the home then she deserves the house and the money. 24 h care in or out of a facility is incredibly expensive and may well eat up all the assets. There might not be a house to inherit if mil stays in a care facility for long. Anyone who has not been the primary caretaker of a parent or elderly relative minimizes what’s involved. Every time you or your dh start to feel bad about money you might be missing out on, remember that no one wakes you up while you’re sleeping to help mil to the bathroom or update you because she fell. You’re not taking off work to get her to a doctor’s appointment. Those things are worth more than money, imho Wow you are way out of line here. Nobody is minimizing what SIL is doing for her mother. Rather there are legal matters that can't be ignored. The SIL can't just take the house, etc. Perhaps you need to educate yourself on estate law. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 27, 2024 17:30:41 GMT
You need an attorney to tell you what can legally happen. The issue is what happens if the MIL needs to go back into care and her assets have been spent. In Minnesota, they go back 5 years and are VERY thorough. We just went through this with my MIL and it’s been very eye opening.
The will will definitely come into play. If the half brother is in the will, he has a legal right to what has been willed to him. It isn’t being greedy, it is legally accepting the MIL’s wishes. If your DH wants to compensate his sister, this can be done with his actual inheritance or a monthly check to her. He can refuse part (or all) of the inheritance.
We hired an attorney years ago when MIL went into care. It was $500 and told us what we legally could and could not do. He was available to ask questions as they came up, but really he was very thorough and spelled it all out. This is a common situation.
With the family meeting this weekend, your DH should state over and over that they need to run this plan through an attorney. That they have ideas, but need to find out what is legal. Before anything is done with moving MIL, I’d suggest a weekend as a trial run. The move has likely upset her and she could be argumentative or even violent. My MIL was.
My SIL considered moving MIL in with her, but rapidly came to the conclusion that the logistics of 24/7 care was too much. Even running 5 minutes down the road to the grocery would need to be coordinated, much less getting together with friends, visiting the grandchildren, or an important deadline with work.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 17:53:05 GMT
I’m the dissenter. If SIL is caring for MIL and assuming the burden of taking her to appointments, finding her caregivers, checking to see she is well taken care of and even willing to move her back into the home then she deserves the house and the money. 24 h care in or out of a facility is incredibly expensive and may well eat up all the assets. There might not be a house to inherit if mil stays in a care facility for long. Anyone who has not been the primary caretaker of a parent or elderly relative minimizes what’s involved. Every time you or your dh start to feel bad about money you might be missing out on, remember that no one wakes you up while you’re sleeping to help mil to the bathroom or update you because she fell. You’re not taking off work to get her to a doctor’s appointment. Those things are worth more than money, imho DH and I completely appreciate and are not minimizing SIL. DH and I expect all money to be used towards MIL's care. We don't expect a cent to be leftover - anything that is, well we would be thankful that she was cared for until her end. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 27, 2024 17:57:09 GMT
You need an attorney to tell you what can legally happen. The issue is what happens if the MIL needs to go back into care and her assets have been spent. In Minnesota, they go back 5 years and are VERY thorough. We just went through this with my MIL and it’s been very eye opening. The will will definitely come into play. If the half brother is in the will, he has a legal right to what has been willed to him. It isn’t being greedy, it is legally accepting the MIL’s wishes. If your DH wants to compensate his sister, this can be done with his actual inheritance or a monthly check to her. He can refuse part (or all) of the inheritance. We hired an attorney years ago when MIL went into care. It was $500 and told us what we legally could and could not do. He was available to ask questions as they came up, but really he was very thorough and spelled it all out. This is a common situation. With the family meeting this weekend, your DH should state over and over that they need to run this plan through an attorney. That they have ideas, but need to find out what is legal. Before anything is done with moving MIL, I’d suggest a weekend as a trial run. The move has likely upset her and she could be argumentative or even violent. My MIL was. My SIL considered moving MIL in with her, but rapidly came to the conclusion that the logistics of 24/7 care was too much. Even running 5 minutes down the road to the grocery would need to be coordinated, much less getting together with friends, visiting the grandchildren, or an important deadline with work. That was my thought - you have to make sure everything is in place if you just wanted to go on a date with your hubs, much less go on vacation!!! I think SIL has spoken to an atty, no idea if its the general atty that set up the will, or a specialized one, but I will remind DH he doesn't have to agree to anything, and just state that everything has to be run thru the atty - including the brother. |
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Post by mom on Sept 27, 2024 21:00:10 GMT
Honestly, it sounds like a money grab. You should see an estate lawyer. Personally, I would not be ok with moving mother if she is happy and taken care of. Just up and moving an elderly person -- with dementia no less -- is just not a good idea.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 28, 2024 0:13:53 GMT
OP keep in mind you are not dealing with an Estate. She is not dead. They are her assets. The person who has POA must document every penny spent on the elderly person. It is not optional.
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Post by katlady on Sept 28, 2024 0:37:04 GMT
This is a little different, but my aunt had a conservatorship for her husband. Every dollar of his money that she spent had to be documented. If the money spent benefitted him, it was ok. For instance, if my aunt had to buy a new car to transport my uncle to doctor appointments, that was fine. If she needed to make a modification to the house for him, that was ok. But it had to be documented and audited once a year. She was also allowed to take a salary since she cared for him full-time. OP mentioned the SIL had POA. I don’t know if a POA has the same guidelines or looser requirements. I agree with everyone that this all needs to be discussed with a lawyer.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 28, 2024 2:25:28 GMT
OP keep in mind you are not dealing with an Estate. She is not dead. They are her assets. The person who has POA must document every penny spent on the elderly person. It is not optional. This is so true. When I was writing the post I had no idea how to really phrase it! |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 28, 2024 2:44:16 GMT
If MIL is currently in 24 hour care, I can pretty much guarantee that SIL and BIL don’t have the first clue of how much work it is going to be to watch over her night and day if she has dementia. Even if they are working from home, there is no way they will be able to keep tabs on her 24/7 and give the attention they need to keep their jobs. It’s unrealistic.
My brother was unemployed during the recession at the time when he was taking care of our mom in her final years at home (he lived with her). In the end, she couldn’t be left unattended for any length of time. Not to go to the grocery store by himself, not to mow the lawn outside, not even to run across the street to grab the mail from the mailbox. Especially in a private home where she could do things like turn on a stove burner or the oven and walk away, turn on the water and overflow the tub, sneak out of the house in the middle of the night (or during the day) and get lost. It was overwhelming, even with help in the form of us relieving him a couple evenings a week and sending her to adult daycare 3x a week. (I also took her to all of her appointments and managed all of her finances.) When it got to the point where she was getting up and dressed and trying to leave the house in the middle of the night, it was too much and we had to move her into a skilled nursing facility with round the clock memory care. My brother never would have been able to hold down a full time job, even working from home, during that time because taking care of her WAS a full time job in and of itself.
Having BTDT and knowing what I know from personal experience, I too think it would be a huge mistake to move your MIL back into a private home at this time.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 28, 2024 3:11:38 GMT
I'm very thankful we didn't have to deal with this when mom went into care. Just reading your post, I think your SIL is primarily interested in preserving her inheritance. And taking it in advance to preserve it.  I think she is delusional if she thinks she can care for her mother FT and work. Is she prepared to do it for 13+ years? That's how long my mom lived in dementia care. Yes, it is expensive, and yes, MIL's house may have to be sold to pay for it at some point. But it is your mom's asset and should be used for her care first. I really wish your DH the best as he negotiates the best plan for his mom's care, but it 100% needs to involve an attorney. ETA 100% this from crazy4scraps It was when dad couldn't go to the bathroom without mom disappearing that he finally agreed to look at care options. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 28, 2024 3:36:48 GMT
I'm very thankful we didn't have to deal with this when mom went into care. Just reading your post, I think your SIL is primarily interested in preserving her inheritance. And taking it in advance to preserve it. I think she is delusional if she thinks she can care for her mother FT and work. Is she prepared to do it for 13+ years? That's how long my mom lived in dementia care. Yes, it is expensive, and yes, MIL's house may have to be sold to pay for it at some point. But it is your mom's asset and should be used for her care first. I really wish your DH the best as he negotiates the best plan for his mom's care, but it 100% needs to involve an attorney. ETA 100% this from crazy4scraps It was when dad couldn't go to the bathroom without mom disappearing that he finally agreed to look at care options. The more I read about Pea experiences the more I think that SIL/BIL are using the excuse to bring my MIL “home” as a reason for renovating the house but they also want the house in thier name so any money they spend doesn’t go into an asset that could be sold if needed to pay for her care. I get it but it just feels like they want to start improving the house now and not wait to see if they will need this asset. My MIL is in a wheelchair and I’m not sure she even can dress herself or use the bathroom or feed herself. She used to knit and do crafts but I don’t even think she does that. So moving her from a place that cares for her 24/7 honestly does not make a lot of sense to me. But it’s not my mother so I don’t really have a say in that matter. DH feels SIL has MILs best interest at heart and I agree with that but then this house thing has kinda of made me think a little differently. I really appreciate all that have written in. It’s given me things to think about and have been gently prepping DH for this conversation he’ll have tomorrow. I will be sure to update when I know more! |
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 28, 2024 3:59:31 GMT
I'm very thankful we didn't have to deal with this when mom went into care. Just reading your post, I think your SIL is primarily interested in preserving her inheritance. And taking it in advance to preserve it. I think she is delusional if she thinks she can care for her mother FT and work. Is she prepared to do it for 13+ years? That's how long my mom lived in dementia care. Yes, it is expensive, and yes, MIL's house may have to be sold to pay for it at some point. But it is your mom's asset and should be used for her care first. I really wish your DH the best as he negotiates the best plan for his mom's care, but it 100% needs to involve an attorney. ETA 100% this from crazy4scraps It was when dad couldn't go to the bathroom without mom disappearing that he finally agreed to look at care options. The more I read about Pea experiences the more I think that SIL/BIL are using the excuse to bring my MIL “home” as a reason for renovating the house but they also want the house in thier name so any money they spend doesn’t go into an asset that could be sold if needed to pay for her care. I get it but it just feels like they want to start improving the house now and not wait to see if they will need this asset. My MIL is in a wheelchair and I’m not sure she even can dress herself or use the bathroom or feed herself. She used to knit and do crafts but I don’t even think she does that. So moving her from a place that cares for her 24/7 honestly does not make a lot of sense to me. But it’s not my mother so I don’t really have a say in that matter. DH feels SIL has MILs best interest at heart and I agree with that but then this house thing has kinda of made me think a little differently. I really appreciate all that have written in. It’s given me things to think about and have been gently prepping DH for this conversation he’ll have tomorrow. I will be sure to update when I know more! If they do this without a fair market value sale and then MIL needs to be in care and runs out of funds, the state will go back 5 years and go after anyone with a “gift” of this value. You just can’t transfer assets like this. At least not in our state (Minnesota). |
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