The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 9, 2014 18:16:13 GMT
I agree Peabay. When my boys were newborns, I forgot one of then for about 30 seconds at a grocery store. I was a sleep deprived new mom, frazzled with twins. DH had one in a cart and I had the other. I turned away to get something, got distracted and started to walk to the next aisle when I saw DH and realized I didn't have a cart.
I've also had a few times of panic when one of my boys got out of sight and didn't respond to me right away. We were at a busy pool once when they were four, and for the longest 45 seconds of my life, I was sure one drowned. ....and many many more situations in their six years where a split second or a relatively minor incident could have gone the other way.
I know these are not the same situations, but they remind me that tragic mistakes happen. Be vigilant. Honestly, I think admitting and realizing it could happen to me, makes me more vigilant and perhaps a better parent than those who are convinced they are invincible. (Strong words, I know)
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pudgygroundhog
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Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 9, 2014 18:20:12 GMT
The Great Carpezio and Peabay posted what I was thinking.
I used to be a lot more judgmental about this because it seemed so ludicrous - how could you forget your child?! And even now with a child I still find it hard to imagine doing this. But when I read that article a few years ago, it was both enlightening and heartbreaking. I feel for these families. I can't even imagine.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 9, 2014 18:22:42 GMT
I think all parents have those "oh shit" moments; whether it is momentarily losing your kid in a store or your kid swallowing a rock in the bathtub. Okay, that's probably just me, but I still think about that often and how differently it could've turned out.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 9, 2014 18:24:46 GMT
I swear, I just don't understand how people can forget their kids! It absolutely blows me away. I was stressed too, I got distracted too, yada yada yada, but I still can't comprehend anything taking precedence over the well-being of my child, I just can't. I've never understood how it happens either. I just don't get how someone would be so distracted that they would forget their child. It just makes no sense to me. It makes it hard to be sympathetic towards these people. I don't leave my electronics in my car when it's hot and that's much less noticeable than a human being, so how come it's easy to remember a bag I put in the car but for some it's allegedly hard to remember that there's another human in the car. I just don't get it. I wish I did so I could feel more sympathy for these parents, but...
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Jul 9, 2014 18:28:57 GMT
I was at the grocery store this morning. There was two young women and two children who looked to be between 5 and 8 checking out ahead of me. After I checked out I walked to my car and put my groceries in. I'm putting on my seat belt and see the same two ladies and children putting their groceries in the car. One of the ladies was carrying a baby in her arms. That baby was not in the store with them. The car windows were rolled down. Thankfully it was only 84 degrees compared to the 90 something we have had lately. I can't prove the baby was left in the car but I'm speculating it was.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 9, 2014 18:29:17 GMT
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 9, 2014 18:33:09 GMT
I am also of the "there but the grace of God go I" camp.
When boys were young (2 and newborn) I was alone (going through a divorce.) I had a two year that was out of sorts, and a newborn-tired, distracted and beaten down did not even begin to cover how I felt. If I needed to leave the house, we all went. Sleeping when they slept never happened because it felt like they never slept at the same time.
It easily could have been the perfect storm of brain fog. I am forever grateful that nothing awful happened during those months. I tried to build in protections like leaving things in the back seat with the boys, but we all know that isn't foolproof.
Unless leaving the child in the car was a deliberate act, I think I am going to go the route of forgiveness as I can see how it could happen.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 9, 2014 18:40:12 GMT
I swear, I just don't understand how people can forget their kids! It absolutely blows me away. I was stressed too, I got distracted too, yada yada yada, but I still can't comprehend anything taking precedence over the well-being of my child, I just can't. I've never understood how it happens either. I just don't get how someone would be so distracted that they would forget their child. It just makes no sense to me. It makes it hard to be sympathetic towards these people. I don't leave my electronics in my car when it's hot and that's much less noticeable than a human being, so how come it's easy to remember a bag I put in the car but for some it's allegedly hard to remember that there's another human in the car. I just don't get it. I wish I did so I could feel more sympathy for these parents, but... Did you read the article posted upthread? It is an interesting read.
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Post by rumplesnat on Jul 9, 2014 18:40:47 GMT
As a mom who has made many, many mistakes, I still cannot wrap my head around forgetting your child in a car. I realize that I left my purse behind or cell phone behind within minutes.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 9, 2014 18:48:09 GMT
This is one of those things that before I had kids I always thought "how could someone do that", then after I had kids I realized how easily it could happen. I always thought it would be less likely to happen when the baby was with me (since they were ALWAYS with me (or in daycare)) vs. it happening when dh had them because it was abnormal for him to have them. If he was doing the drop off that day I would call him in the morning and make sure the baby was ok at dropoff(aka remind him he was to do the dropoff). But I clearly remember times when I went somewhere without the baby and it hit me, OMG the carseat is empty, where did I lose him before I remembered he was with dh, I was just so used to having him.
I also clearly remember when I realized how easily shaken baby syndrome could happen. My oldest was a newborn, screaming again for no apparent reason, I was a frazzled, exhausted new mom. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to put him in his crib and walk away, but in that moment it hit me how quickly that could have turned badly.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 9, 2014 19:01:16 GMT
I've never understood how it happens either. I just don't get how someone would be so distracted that they would forget their child. It just makes no sense to me. It makes it hard to be sympathetic towards these people. I don't leave my electronics in my car when it's hot and that's much less noticeable than a human being, so how come it's easy to remember a bag I put in the car but for some it's allegedly hard to remember that there's another human in the car. I just don't get it. I wish I did so I could feel more sympathy for these parents, but... Did you read the article posted upthread? It is an interesting read. I did and it is an interesting read. I still don't really understand how it could happen... just that it does happen and I don't really understand why.
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craftykitten
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Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jul 9, 2014 19:05:59 GMT
Did you read the article posted upthread? It is an interesting read. I did and it is an interesting read. I still don't really understand how it could happen... just that it does happen and I don't really understand why. That article was very powerful. The idea that there are different areas of the brain that do things almost at a subconscious level....ever driven home and then realised you have no memory of the journey? And if something is disturbed in your routine so you feel 'off' but you don't know what it is? There are so many things that could happen and it is such a tragedy if it does. I am not a parent, I don't know what it's like to have no sleep and a poorly child and a million and one things on your brain. I can only feel compassion for those parents who have to live with the consequences of their actions every single day.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Jul 9, 2014 19:14:52 GMT
As a mom who has made many, many mistakes, I still cannot wrap my head around forgetting your child in a car. I realize that I left my purse behind or cell phone behind within minutes. Yes, in your regular routine you use your purse and phone, so you think: "Oh, I left them in the car." But if you are off your regular routine, you don't think to yourself: "Oh, I left the baby in the car" because you don't need the child to work or check out of the store or whatever. That's the whole point: the baby is forgotten because it's not part of the routine.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 9, 2014 19:17:33 GMT
someone is developing an app that would alert you if you left your child in the car. it would flash lights and sound horn til you respond.
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LeaP
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Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jul 9, 2014 19:23:12 GMT
I'm in the "there go I but for the grace of God" category. I have two kids. I've never forgotten either one in the car, but my oldest did have a near drowning. I was in the pool no more than five feet from her, but I was not looking at her. She got off the step she was sitting on and was face down. Total silence, not a single splash. It was terrifying, entirely preventable and my fault. Worst minute of my life. After I fished her out, she coughed a couple of times and was fine, but I have never been the same.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 9, 2014 19:26:22 GMT
Just to clarify I'm not liking your post because you narrowly avoided disaster (I know how that goes), but because she was okay.
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 9, 2014 19:32:35 GMT
Did you read the article posted upthread? It is an interesting read. I did and it is an interesting read. I still don't really understand how it could happen... just that it does happen and I don't really understand why. Are there things you have ever done on autopilot? Like somebody mentioned, you end up at work or home without even thinking about it. Most of these cases involve a deviation from routine where subconscious has taken over. I understand how it's non-understandable; I have a hard time imaging it myself. I thought the article just shed some light on it and especially as a parent, I think "there by the grace of god, go I" covers it (even though I'm not religious - the saying sums it up nicely).
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 12:16:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 19:49:27 GMT
When my oldest was a few months old, I was grocery shopping. I loaded everything into the car and was driving home. I was talking to her and glanced back and realized her seat was not in the base. I panicked (no cell phone then), thinking omg I left her in the shopping cart, and raced back toward the store. I got halfway there before I realized she was home with her daddy. It was the first time I ever left her.
I also accidentally locked her in the car at Toys R Us. I always turned the car and air on and then put her in. I borrowed someone passing bys cell and called 911. The operator told me it wasn't an emergency and they would get there when they could. She also commented wasn't I glad it wasn't a hot day. This was Sept. in Florida and I hadn't told her the air was on. They did get there quickly, but I was so pissed at the operators attitude.
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Jul 9, 2014 20:11:49 GMT
Yes, in your regular routine you use your purse and phone, so you think: "Oh, I left them in the car." But if you are off your regular routine, you don't think to yourself: "Oh, I left the baby in the car" because you don't need the child to work or check out of the store or whatever. That's the whole point: the baby is forgotten because it's not part of the routine. (italics mine) I would respectfully disagree with you. The baby IS the routine... or should be, but that's probably why I don't really understand how you forget a child.
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Lissy007
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Jun 25, 2014 19:30:58 GMT
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Post by Lissy007 on Jul 9, 2014 20:17:48 GMT
I can't imagine. It's a parents worst nightmare to lose a child...but to also be the reason for the loss? My mind can't even go there.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 9, 2014 20:21:18 GMT
If you haven't read this award winning article: link, I think you should. Obviously each case is different (there are true neglect cases or in this new case, murder), but for most of these cases, I just feel sadness for everyone involved. I can't imagine the guilt, pain and devastation these people must deal with daily. I'm not not a religious person, but "there but by the grace of God go I" pops in my mind every time I hear one of these stories. Thank you for this link, what a powerful, interesting and sad read. These key points really stood out to me: What kind of person forgets a baby? The wealthy do, it turns out. And the poor, and the middle class. Parents of all ages and ethnicities do it. Mothers are just as likely to do it as fathers. It happens to the chronically absent-minded and to the fanatically organized, to the college-educated and to the marginally literate. In the last 10 years, it has happened to a dentist. A postal clerk. A social worker. A police officer. An accountant. A soldier. A paralegal. An electrician. A Protestant clergyman. A rabbinical student. A nurse. A construction worker. An assistant principal. It happened to a mental health counselor, a college professor and a pizza chef. It happened to a pediatrician. It happened to a rocket scientist. There is no consistent character profile of the parent who does this to his or her child. Humans, Hickling said, have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible. In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. “We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don’t want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters.”
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Post by rumplesnat on Jul 9, 2014 20:36:24 GMT
As a mom who has made many, many mistakes, I still cannot wrap my head around forgetting your child in a car. I realize that I left my purse behind or cell phone behind within minutes. Yes, in your regular routine you use your purse and phone, so you think: "Oh, I left them in the car." But if you are off your regular routine, you don't think to yourself: "Oh, I left the baby in the car" because you don't need the child to work or check out of the store or whatever. That's the whole point: the baby is forgotten because it's not part of the routine. My child IS a part out routine and on my mind all of the time. I cannot justify ever forgetting your child in the car. My heart breaks for parents who have had this tragedy happen to them, but I find it inexcusable.
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back to *pea*ality
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 9, 2014 20:40:46 GMT
It is becoming so frequent that it makes you wonder. Rear facing car seats are a mistake.
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caro
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Post by caro on Jul 9, 2014 20:43:32 GMT
I was flipping through channels yesterday and Nancy Grace (why does she talk like she's yelling?)was talking about one that the dad is being suspected of murder, not just forgetting the baby in the car. I can't remember where it happened. Can you believe that? It's so disgusting. This happened in Marietta, Ga near me. It is really sickening about this dad. He was sexting all day while at work. And the mom may be charged as well as a conspirator.
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Post by jackie on Jul 9, 2014 20:49:39 GMT
Yes, in your regular routine you use your purse and phone, so you think: "Oh, I left them in the car." But if you are off your regular routine, you don't think to yourself: "Oh, I left the baby in the car" because you don't need the child to work or check out of the store or whatever. That's the whole point: the baby is forgotten because it's not part of the routine. My child IS a part out routine and on my mind all of the time. I cannot justify ever forgetting your child in the car. My heart breaks for parents who have had this tragedy happen to them, but I find it inexcusable. If your child is absolutely never out of your mind and it would be absolutely impossible for you to make a mistake with them, then that is fantastic. I wish I could say the same about myself, but I can't. Sometimes a child isn't always part of the routine. It doesn't mean that you don't love them or think of them, it just means they aren't part of a particular routine. If every morning you drive to work, grab your keys and purse out of your car and head into the office, that's your routine. If your husband who usually takes the baby to daycare can't that day and you need to, then adding in dropping a child off at daycare is NOT part of your routine. We're talking about things that you do pretty much the same way every day. It's the reason people sometimes find themselves on the highway driving to work even though they have the day off--they're following a routine. I have thankfully never left a child in a car and I'm glad my children are old enough that it's not in the realm of possibility anymore. The idea of it is terrifying and I don't for one second think it could never happen to me (and anyone who knows me knows that my kids are my life--truly). I do remember a time that I drove to work with a quiet baby in the car and forgot to stop at daycare. I was already on the highway and heading to work. I caught sight of the baby in the back and thought "Oh my gosh, I didn't stop at daycare!" Luckily I DID realize it and no harm was done--I laughed about it afterward, but I'm not laughing now. I would like to think at some point I would have seen the baby or remembered, but I don't know....When I see loving parents do this unintentionally, I cannot feel anything but sympathy and heartbreak for them.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Jul 9, 2014 20:56:21 GMT
I absolutely understand how it could happen. I had 4 kids in 10 years and had kids in different day cares and day camps etc.... I could see asking my dh to drop a kid off and it being out of his routine and either of us just forgetting. I get it. In a situation like this, when we can choose judgement or grace? I choose grace. These parents will have to live with this for the rest of their lives. This article in the Washington Post spoke volumes to me: www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html We're humans. We make mistakes. And sometimes they are tragic. And awful. And I don't know how people go on after something like this. ETA: I didn't realize the article was already linked above. PLEASE read it. It's eye opening about how this can happen - because that's the question I keep hearing: how can this happen? Well, I bet you the parents this happens to asked the same question the day before it happened to them. Well said, Peabay - I can understand how it can happen too, and I also choose grace. Actually, I don't think there is any punishment greater than the pain of losing a child because of a mistake you accidentally made (I'm not including the ones who did it on purpose). When my DS was 3 years old, we moved to a new house. It had a formal living room and a den, and we decided to make the formal LR into a playroom since we only had furniture for the den. DS was playing in the LR, and I was in the kitchen, unpacking boxes. All of a sudden, he comes walking in the back door. He had let himself out the front door and when I asked him what he had been doing, his answer was "I've been talking to the garbagemen" (leaving me to imagine that he would have talked to any stranger who came along, or locked himself in a hot car - I was horrified!).
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 9, 2014 21:20:30 GMT
I'm really glad that that article link was provided. It was a few years ago on the old board that there was a similar discussion and someone provided that link. She said that it wasn't about asking for forgiveness or sympathy, but provided just a modicum of understanding. It completely changed the way I think when I hear of infant car deaths. I don't have kids and when I would hear about a tragic death, I would just have unbridled anger at the parent. How could they be so forgetful, so stupid? But that article changed my way of thinking completely. What really stayed with me was this: Now when I hear of a death I still get a flash of anger, but I also feel some compassion and I ask myself what layers of life (slices of Swiss cheese) did that person experience that day? What chain of events came together that culminated in such a tragic result? It's just so sad.
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Post by cmhs on Jul 9, 2014 21:24:53 GMT
These stories are heartbreaking. I remember years ago, a case where two boys (I believe they were cousins) died in a hot car. Their dads left them there while they went fishing. 20/20 or one of those shows did a segment on the case that went into great detail on what exactly happens to a person in a hot car. It was absolutely horrifying. I have empathy in these cases where it truly is an accident. I cannot imaging the hell these parent live for the rest of their lives.
True confession time: When DS was 3 months old, I left him asleep in his car seat in the living room while I went to pick up DD at preschool. It wasn't until I had been there for several minutes chatting with another parent that I realized I didn't have him with me. It was a horrible feeling of panic. He was fine -- still sound asleep when I got home. I still feel like crap about it and he's 10! I was exhausted, stressed, preoccupied and, did I mention exhausted? It's easy to say "I would never..."
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Post by red88 on Jul 9, 2014 21:55:52 GMT
About 25 years ago, while living in Las Vegas it was in July & my husband & I pulled into a local grocery store. I could hear a tiny baby cry, like newborn. I looked around & found a baby left in a car fully covered in blankets & wearing a snowsuit! I tried to open the doors, they were locked. My husband ran inside (we didn't have cell phones at that time) & police were called. The police arrived quickly, broke the window to the car. A women came strolling out of the store & was mad when she saw the police. She couldn't understand why it was a big deal. I'll never forget her words, "it's just my granddaughter". Made me sick. The baby had to be less than 2 months old. She was tiny. The woman was arrested.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Jul 9, 2014 22:04:24 GMT
About 25 years ago, while living in Las Vegas it was in July & my husband & I pulled into a local grocery store. I could hear a tiny baby cry, like newborn. I looked around & found a baby left in a car fully covered in blankets & wearing a snowsuit! I tried to open the doors, they were locked. My husband ran inside (we didn't have cell phones at that time) & police were called. The police arrived quickly, broke the window to the car. A women came strolling out of the store & was mad when she saw the police. She couldn't understand why it was a big deal. I'll never forget her words, "it's just my granddaughter". Made me sick. The baby had to be less than 2 months old. She was tiny. The woman was arrested. And in a case like that, they should be arrested. Anyone who KNOWINGLY leaves a child in a car like that has committed a crime. In this case (I live in the same town as the OP), the father was supposed to drop the child at daycare and, for whatever reason, didn't. They live around the corner from me. It's just heartbreaking.
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