SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,739
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jul 9, 2014 22:10:17 GMT
We had one here in SC this last week except in this case the 3 year old had wandered out of the house while his Mom was taking a nap and got in the car and was trapped in there. This story made me SO MAD. The little kid and his dog both got trapped in the car and both died. WTF? How do you just fall asleep on the couch when you have a 3 year old and let them wander out of the house. There is NO excuse. There just isn't.
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Post by njinkerbelle on Jul 9, 2014 22:11:54 GMT
I just don't understand how you forget your child is in the car. How distracted are these people (they aren't qualified to be called parents) to forget that there someone depending and deserving of your care?
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Post by Debbie on Jul 9, 2014 22:16:13 GMT
I think sometimes if people do something different then usual like a different parent drops the child off at daycare and maybe the kid falls asleep and isn't making noise they could forget they have them. I really think it could happen. This almost happened to my husband 20something years ago. I almost always drove my daughter to preschool, but was sick or something so he drove her. He got caught up thinking of everything he had to do that day, and drove straight to his office. From the back seat, he heard, "daddy, why are we here?", and realized how tragic the day could have ended had she fallen asleep in the car during the drive. It still haunts him.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 9, 2014 22:21:18 GMT
I just don't understand how you forget your child is in the car. How distracted are these people (they aren't qualified to be called parents) to forget that there someone depending and deserving of your care? I used to think like that. Please read my post towards the bottom of page 2 of this thread. The article is not a quick read, but so worth it.
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Post by mikewozowski on Jul 9, 2014 22:21:55 GMT
i will tell you that it is possible for someone to forget they have a child with them. i think it mostly has to do with people being off their routine. someone taking the child to daycare that usually doesn't do it. add in the child falling asleep along the way and making not a peep and when you get to your destination, you can just completely forget that your child is there. something like that.
it might be hard for some of you to believe, but it certainly CAN happen to even the most loving, doting parent. even YOU.
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whiskerfish
Junior Member
Posts: 57
Jul 2, 2014 2:21:34 GMT
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Post by whiskerfish on Jul 9, 2014 22:24:08 GMT
I've had "oh crap" moments with both of my kids. We were lucky. I'm not into judging parents who weren't.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 9, 2014 22:24:26 GMT
When DS#1 was a baby, he was in daycare. DH took him in the morning and I picked him up. One morning, DH was on a business trip and we switched duty. I got all the way to my office before he made a noise and reminded me that he was in the backseat. Every time I hear one of these stories, I thank God that I noticed in time. Change of routine, lack of sleep, stress from everyday life can all contribute and while it is never an excuse, it isn't unimaginable. My heart goes out to the families who have to live with it for the rest of their lives.
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Post by compwalla on Jul 9, 2014 22:36:17 GMT
i will tell you that it is possible for someone to forget they have a child with them. i think it mostly has to do with people being off their routine. someone taking the child to daycare that usually doesn't do it. add in the child falling asleep along the way and making not a peep and when you get to your destination, you can just completely forget that your child is there. something like that. it might be hard for some of you to believe, but it certainly CAN happen to even the most loving, doting parent. even YOU. Fatal Distraction also forever changed the way I see these tragedies. I have so much more sympathy for the families now. It's just a terrible awful accident and it really could happen to anyone - even the best, most vigilant and loving parents. These are not terrible people; they are human beings who made a terrible mistake.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 9, 2014 23:06:00 GMT
:|This stuff is so sad. The mom in NC who fell asleep? I think her son was sleeping with her on the couch. It was 30 mns (or so they say). That is really, really sad.
I have a hard time with the car thing, but it does appear that it's usually the parent who doesn't have the kid all the time who forgets. That wouldn't have been me, but maybe I would have done something that another parent couldn't believe. An acquaintance of mine ran over and killed her 2yo. She had newborn twins and left all 3 kids in the house while she backed her car out. She was hurrying and the 2yo ran out after her. Since then it doesn't matter where I back out (parking space or anything), I go at 2mph.
It's very, very VERY sad and the parent has to live with it forever and ever. I find this a lot easier to forgive than keeping a pitbull and a baby in the same room and leaving them alone, for example.
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Post by Amelia Bedelia on Jul 9, 2014 23:26:50 GMT
I used to think it would be impossible to forget a baby in a car but I totally get it. I almost forgot about my first dd twice. I was a new mom, DH travels a lot for work, I was working retail and it was near Christmas. I was sleep deprived and trying to hack it on my own while DH was away for work.
I had to cover someone else's shift, and go to work very early, like 6 or 7 am. DD wasn't a good sleeper and I was still doing middle of the night feelings. I was distracted thinking about what I needed to do differently to open the store because that wasn't my usual routine and I was afraid I would mess up.
When I did work mornings on rare occasions, DH would drop dd at the sitter's to let her sleep longer. I totally forgot I had her with me and drove past the exit to get to the sitter. I realized about 2 exits after and backtracked and dropped her off. The other time was almost identical circumstances but I had actually made it all the way to work when I remembered at the last moment.
I'm so grateful that I remembered and didn't cause harm to my child. I'm a wonderful mother, I love my children and would do anything for them. Accidents happen to even the most loving and vigilant parents & families.
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Post by Belia on Jul 10, 2014 0:05:42 GMT
I get how it can happen. And I choose grace 100% of the time. There but for the grace of god....
And that article that everyone is linking..... *shudder* It still haunts me to this day.
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Post by melanell on Jul 10, 2014 1:25:05 GMT
To be honest, I have wondered why the incidents have gotten more and more frequent. Are the parents distracted by thoughts/talking on cell phones? I also have to wonder how many of these poor babies were in backfacing carseats? I know it is safer while driving, but have to wonder if it is a contributing factor? I am convinced that the tinted window most larger vehicles have these days are a factor. Let's face it, may people choose SVUs or mini-vans when they have kids, and those vehicles all have the rear tinted windows. So you won't even catch sight of the baby out of the corner of your eye as you walk past the window.
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Post by melanell on Jul 10, 2014 1:38:22 GMT
We're humans. We make mistakes. And sometimes they are tragic. And awful. And I don't know how people go on after something like this. ETA: I didn't realize the article was already linked above. PLEASE read it. It's eye opening about how this can happen - because that's the question I keep hearing: how can this happen? Well, I bet you the parents this happens to asked the same question the day before it happened to them. I absolutely agree. It frightens me when I hear people berate and bash these other parents and swear up and down that they would never do that. Because if you are positive that you are not capable of a mistake, then you will see no need to safeguard against it. I recently read another article which explained the science behind why people forget. The science behind forgetting even the most important things in our lives.I read a similar article, which was even better, but I cannot find it now. It mentioned that when our brain ditches some of our to-do list, it doesn't prioritize like we would do if given the choice. So if you're trying to remember a list of things, your brain doesn't say "Well, the baby is most important, so remember that, but forget the rest.".
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,023
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jul 10, 2014 1:44:34 GMT
Honestly, I think admitting and realizing it could happen to me, makes me more vigilant and perhaps a better parent than those who are convinced they are invincible. (Strong words, I know) I was thinking this earlier myself.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,969
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 10, 2014 1:45:05 GMT
If you haven't read this award winning article: link, I think you should. Obviously each case is different (there are true neglect cases or in this new case, murder), but for most of these cases, I just feel sadness for everyone involved. I can't imagine the guilt, pain and devastation these people must deal with daily. I'm not not a religious person, but "there but by the grace of God go I" pops in my mind every time I hear one of these stories. This...I have learned in life to never say never. I have a friend with small children. When she buckles them into their car seats she always puts one of her shoes in the seat beside them. This way she has to open the back door to get her shoe so she has a second reminder that the kids are back there.
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Post by melanell on Jul 10, 2014 1:48:15 GMT
I saw a mom forget once. At Target. At first I didn't realize what was happening because I was busy with my own toddler. 2 women got out of a car. One was maybe in her mid-30s, and the second looked like she could be one generation older. A grandmother perhaps.
The mom and the grandmother (?) both got out of the car, and the mom started walking ahead towards the cart corral to get a cart, only instead of coming back to the car with it (I do that all of the time. Park right next to the corral so you can put the child into the cart immediately.) she kept on towards the store.
The grandmother called to her saying something about not being sure how to get the seat undone.
So at this point it just looked like that was the deal...one was going to get the cart and one was going to get the baby. Until the mom said "Oh my God!". And that's what really caught my attention. And she came rushing back and she was upset, and only when she started talking did I realize that she forgot (and the grandmother realized what happened as well), and the mom just kept saying "I never take her shopping. I always shop alone."
And I totally get that...because I almost always shop with my kids, so when I don't have them with me, I forget that they are not there. And I'll turn to toss something into the cart, see them missing, and for a nano-second I completely panic.
So from a "bad parent!" standpoint why it is different for me to forget that I do not have my child than for her to forget that she did? Either way, we both forgot where our child was. At that moment, I forgot my child was home with Dad. The parents who swear they would never forget are basically saying that they are always completely aware of where their babies are. And every time I make that same mistake, I am not aware of where my baby is.
Now, from a safety standpoint, of course there is a huge difference, but when it comes to our brains being used to a routine and misfiring, the situations are very much the same.
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Post by melanell on Jul 10, 2014 1:55:27 GMT
Yes, in your regular routine you use your purse and phone, so you think: "Oh, I left them in the car." But if you are off your regular routine, you don't think to yourself: "Oh, I left the baby in the car" because you don't need the child to work or check out of the store or whatever. That's the whole point: the baby is forgotten because it's not part of the routine. (italics mine) I would respectfully disagree with you. The baby IS the routine... or should be, but that's probably why I don't really understand how you forget a child. Too many times the baby is not the routine. I worked with a woman who had previously worked with a woman who left her grandchild in the car in the work parking lot. It was absolutely not her routine to have that baby at all. She was doing a once in a blue moon favor by bringing the baby to daycare. Only she totally forgot to go to the daycare. She did her daily routine exactly how she always did it. The baby died. My co-worker said that the scene that played out that day at her work is one that she will never be able to stop seeing in her nightmares because of the both the horror of knowing a child had died but also because of the reaction of that poor grandmother.
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Post by keknj on Jul 10, 2014 2:00:23 GMT
I also can only think that but for the grace of God. I never forgot my kids in the car, but I don't kid myself that I couldn't have. The only reason I didn't is because they were always with me.
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Post by irisheyes on Jul 10, 2014 2:08:24 GMT
I remember when I was little girl, my grandma got after a woman who left her baby in the car on a hot day while she shopped. My grandma got the store to call the police and they got the baby out. This poor baby was so hot, red, sweating, and screaming. The mom came out and my grandma told her she should be horse whipped. I was about seven or eight at the time, and this always stayed with me. I remember being so afraid that baby would die before it was removed from the car.
I have never left a child in the car or forgotten them. You just don't do it - ever - not even to run in the store. The car is not a safe place to leave a baby or small child. You wouldn't leave your baby sitting by the side of the road while you ran into a store, yet people do this all the time at the gas station - and yet your child is in as much danger as if they were sitting by the side of the road.
My grandma would roll in her grave if any of her children or grandchildren left a child in a car.
ETA: While I know it can happen and people forget - what I am talking about are the parents who "say" they are only running in for a minute and know they left a child in the car.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Jul 10, 2014 2:15:56 GMT
I'd like to think I'd never do that. But I'm sure the parents that experience that type of loss thought the same.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,878
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 10, 2014 2:17:02 GMT
I remember when I was little girl, my grandma got after a woman who left her baby in the car on a hot day while she shopped. My grandma got the store to call the police and they got the baby out. This poor baby was so hot, red, sweating, and screaming. The mom came out and my grandma told her she should be horse whipped. I was about seven or eight at the time, and this always stayed with me. I remember being so afraid that baby would die before it was removed from the car. I have never left a child in the car or forgotten them. You just don't do it - ever - not even to run in the store. The car is not a safe place to leave a baby or small child. You wouldn't leave your baby sitting by the side of the road while you ran into a store, yet people do this all the time at the gas station - and yet your child is in as much danger as if they were sitting by the side of the road. My grandma would roll in her grave if any of her children or grandchildren left a child in a car. ETA: While I know it can happen and people forget - what I am talking about are the parents who "say" they are only running in for a minute and know they left a child in the car. ITA with you. You knowingly leave a child in a car on a hot day? Your ass should be thrown in jail.
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Post by melanell on Jul 10, 2014 2:18:13 GMT
Oh yeah, leaving your child in the car knowingly? That's a whole other story!
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Post by finally~a~mama on Jul 10, 2014 2:40:52 GMT
My heart goes out to families and parents who have lost a child this way. I can see how it can happen. Sometimes with a small child you are "running on fumes" and do things (or don't do things) that you would never normally do -- because you aren't thinking clearly.
Whenever we had a day that our routine was different & DH dropped DD off at daycare I would email him to check in on how the "drop off" went. I figured if, God forbid, he ever forgot that he would see that message & remember.
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Post by darkangel090260 on Jul 10, 2014 2:42:13 GMT
There is no reason to leave or forget a child in a car or any places ells. I have raised two step kids age 15-14 my two 9 and 1 and taken care of about 2 dozen more Not once even on one or two hours sleep have I forgotten one or left them in the car.
When we go someplace the drivers door is never closed until every one is out of the car. Unless your 18 years old or older then you can stay in the car. I will not even run inside the house with the kids in the car. I make DH come out a stay with them until i get what is need or they come back in side with me.
When we get home from shopping kid go in first then the older two help me unload and the 9 year old look after her brother until we get thing in the house. Kids come in first.
Even when I did not have kids with me all the time I never forgot one was with me.
Trust me If I see you walk in to pay for gas or something and leave a small child in the car I will call the police in a hart beat.
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Post by maryland on Jul 10, 2014 2:53:23 GMT
Peabay, I agree with everything you said. Thanks for the link. I always feel so bad for the moms and dads that this happens too. I was always so OCD when my kids were little. If I went somewhere without them (dr. or dentist appt.) I would open the car and actually touch the carseat, then stare at it. I know it sounds crazy, but it was my routine to make sure my child wasn't in the car. I am always nervous about the dentist, etc., so I could easily get distracted. I can't imagine how these poor moms and dads feel.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jul 10, 2014 3:20:12 GMT
Anyone who leaves their child in the car and the child dies should go to jail.
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ratqueen
Shy Member
Posts: 32
Jul 2, 2014 23:54:21 GMT
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Post by ratqueen on Jul 10, 2014 3:51:26 GMT
I'm with Carey Ann, Peabay, Pudgy, et al. It could happen to any of us. I am as devoted to Finn as any parent could be to their kid, he's the absolute center of my world. But not for a second do I kid myself that I'm perfect enough to be immune from making just one mistake, just once, that has the potential to destroy that world. I do the purse in the back seat thing, and I check the seat every time I get out of the car even when I'm sure he isn't with me.
Before I had Finn I felt a lot more confident judging parents who were responsible for instances like this. Parenting has taught me humility, if nothing else. Now I just feel the heartbreak of the parents who have to go on living when such a huge part of them has died because of their mistake.
The parents who leave their kids in the car purposely to go shopping or whatever? That's a completely unrelated issue, IMHO. Those people should receive the harshest punishments the law allows and then some.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,973
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 10, 2014 3:55:07 GMT
I think it is fascinating how black and white some people are.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 10, 2014 4:02:18 GMT
I don't understand it either... MAYBE I get that if you don't normally drop your kid off at daycare maybe you forget, a one in a million chance of that happening.. but you keep hearing story after story about the same thing happening. Just blows my mind. I would hope to God I would have enough sense not to do something like that!! Seems like someone could invent something simple to put in your car to remind you to get your kid out, right? (How sad it that?) I was thinking that someone could invent a sensor that could detect whether a child was still in a carseat after one minute of the engine being turned off, and emit a loud car-alarm type of sound to draw attention to the situation. Also, there should be a way to make the device able to text/call your cell phone and that of two other emergency contacts (that you program in) with a premade message to warn you of the situation. And then if there is still a child detected in the carseat in, say, ten minutes time after the engine has been shut off, the device should be able to send an alert to 911, with the cars gps generated location.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jul 10, 2014 4:27:58 GMT
When my son was small, these threads always served as a good reminder. Looking in the backseat was always something I just did like putting on my seat belt.
While driving home from vacation yesterday, I went into a store that had a reminder taped to all of the entrances. I liked that idea.
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