jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
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Post by jenkate77 on Jul 9, 2014 23:57:05 GMT
Let me try and be as concise as possible. My son is 14 and swims club year round. He does well, placing as high as 12th in the state last year. He took some time off this spring to run track (cute girls run track), and has been only making it to three or so practices a week since. He's a busy kid - he finished a 50 mile hike a few weeks ago, this week he's doing a big play, and it's summer so we're gone every now and then. Our local University runs our swim club. I am on the board, so I know the coach well. I like the coach, but I think if we weren't in a relatively remote area we might have more luck finding someone better than the cranky old swim coach that we have. They did a nationwide search last year, but we are a small city that's 4 hours away from a major city - unless you're already married with kids it's probably not where you want to be. Anyways. Yesterday he was out of practice early, and I asked why. He wouldn't say at first, and he seemed a little upset. When we got home (and out of earshot of his 12 year old brother) he told me the coach called him a "pussy", told him he "only gets satisfaction in the shower" and "some other things that he didn't want to say in front of his Mom." Naturally I want to say something. BUT - the only other swim club close to me is 2 hours away. I'm not driving there 5 day a week for practice. He loves to swim. He'll start swimming for the high school this year. He is adamant that he doesn't want me to say anything. And being on the board - I know that if we report the coach people will find out that it's us. So, what do you think? Say something or keep it to myself?
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,709
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Jul 10, 2014 0:00:19 GMT
Say something. That's disgusting and no grown man should be saying that to a child!
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jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,591
Jun 26, 2014 21:55:15 GMT
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Post by jayfab on Jul 10, 2014 0:02:40 GMT
WOW, I would not be happy with what the coach said.
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Post by Zee on Jul 10, 2014 0:05:00 GMT
I can't believe he'd say something like that in this day and age...is he deranged? I'd certainly be following up on that.
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Post by lumo on Jul 10, 2014 0:06:40 GMT
Yeah, not appropriate at all. I would say something.
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Post by woodysbetty on Jul 10, 2014 0:07:32 GMT
Wow......it doesn't get more inappropriate than that......not sure what I would do .....yikes!!!!
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 10, 2014 0:12:47 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok.
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Post by peasful1 on Jul 10, 2014 0:13:07 GMT
Is there only one swim coach for the club? Aren't there different coaches for different levels? I'd have my kid moved to a different group, even if it meant he weren't with the same aged kids. It would be preferable to what's going on. I'd also go talk to the club director. Any adult talking to my kid about my kid and satisfaction in the shower in the same sentence? Good luck to him.
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Jul 10, 2014 0:17:42 GMT
That is disgusting! I would have him tell me the other part he didn't want to say and then take it to the higher ups.
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Post by 1lear on Jul 10, 2014 0:18:15 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok. This!
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Post by mnmloveli on Jul 10, 2014 0:21:31 GMT
TOUGH decision. But saying those things and worse things you don't even know to a 14 year old is totally unacceptable ! I think you need to talk to your son again and explain this must be brought to the coach's superior's attention.
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Jill
Junior Member
Posts: 60
Jul 9, 2014 2:37:35 GMT
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Post by Jill on Jul 10, 2014 0:31:43 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok. This!Totally agree!!!
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Post by genny on Jul 10, 2014 0:36:58 GMT
Yeah I think I'd have to say something. I understand the possible consequences of people finding out etc, but still. That is disgusting, seriously. This guy has no business talking that way around kids - and like someone else said, who knows what worse statements he could have made to your son or other kids! I have a DS on a swim team and I would be LIVID. In fact, I'm pretty sure DH would handle it in a face to face confrontation if someone called his son that. Poor kid - it had to be hard to listen to that and just suck it up.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:22:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 0:38:30 GMT
The reason people get away with saying inappropriate things like this to kids is because no one will speak up and demand better. There's no way I'd be silent if someone in authority said this to my son.
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Post by doxielady on Jul 10, 2014 0:46:36 GMT
Whether or not you could find another coach should not factor into your decision to say something. You should base your decision on the inappropriateness of the comments themselves.
The comments were inappropriate. As others have said - can you even imagine some of the other things that are being said that you aren't hearing about.
I think you should speak up. It's important for your son to see you standing up to poor behavior.
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Post by GamGam on Jul 10, 2014 0:47:33 GMT
Totally inappropriate message from the coach. It needs to be reported.
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timewarp2
Junior Member
anyway......
Posts: 55
Location: Wishing I was in 30066
Jun 26, 2014 0:11:03 GMT
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Post by timewarp2 on Jul 10, 2014 0:47:42 GMT
My son swam with a private/competitive club from 7 yrs of age to 14 when he quit. (because of the swim coach) he also had very high state rankings in 3 strokes and a national ranking as a 10 yr and 12 yr old in the 1500 freestyle.
When he turned 13, his other interests began to encroach on his swim practice. Always made the morning practice but missed 2 evening practices a week for scouts. The coach was not happy about this and began a campaign of verbal assaults. I wasn't aware until about a month into it.
I first took it to the board (I was not on the board). The board was reluctant to say anything to the coach, as it was a case of 'he said..he said'. So, I inquired around and found one parent and two other swimmers who witnessed the verbal abuse. Board still wouldn't do anything, suggested I let son and coach work it out.
I got brave... Squared my shoulders and called for a meeting with the big, mean alpha male thug of a coach. It didn't get exactly contentious, but it wasn't cordial either. Soooo, I asked him if his goal was to drive son off the team because that is what was going to happen. He practically laughed in my face, and said he would be a real jerk to the team if he did quit, plus he was headed for national rankings again for his age group and it would be plain stupid to quit now.
Long story I know. But son did quit, and the board.. Other parents ... And the coach tried for several MONTHS to get him back but he was soon immersed in another sport.
the take away.. He is a thriving, successful father of two boys. With fond memories of his swimming days, knowing he was good.. But not 'that' good, that it would be his life's work. He doesn't consider himself a quitter and 'would' intervene if the same was happening to his boys.
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conchita
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,141
Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Jul 10, 2014 0:56:11 GMT
Yeah, my husband and I would both be confronting this issue head on. It's point blank unacceptable.
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Post by llinin on Jul 10, 2014 1:01:26 GMT
I am somewhat stunned this isn't pretty clear cut.
If your CHILD's teacher or doctor or pastor said this, how would you feel? What would you do?
I don't care if you are on the board and worry he'll know. Hell, he needs to know you reported him. If he feels it is okay to say this to your son, who knows what he says to the kids who don't have a parent with an ounce of perceived "power" because he can get away with it.
What he said is disgusting and needs to be dealt with.
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marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Jul 10, 2014 1:02:55 GMT
The reason people get away with saying inappropriate things like this to kids is because no one will speak up and demand better. There's no way I'd be silent if someone in authority said this to my son. This for sure. I agree with the others - you owe it your son and all the other kids who weren't brave enough to tell their mom. This man doesn't belong anywhere near impressionable young boys.
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Post by eats_crayons on Jul 10, 2014 1:04:06 GMT
Say something. Not to jump the gun, but this could be the coach testing the water, no pun intended. This is abusive language....if it goes unreported then the coach knows it's "safe" to step it up a notch with the inappropriateness. Far fetched perhaps, but not a risk I would be willing to take as a mom.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 10, 2014 1:06:17 GMT
What lesson will you teach your kid if you don't do something?
What is that lesson? That it's okay to be verbally abused if the person abusing you is the gatekeeper to something you want. Is that really a lesson you want to teach your child?
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Post by greenlegume on Jul 10, 2014 1:07:34 GMT
Yeah, my husband and I would both be confronting this issue head on. It's point blank unacceptable. I don't understand what it is about sports-at all levels from peewee to Pro- that makes people think they should just sweep bad behavior under the rug, turn a blind eye, etc. Coaches and players should be held to the exact same behavorial standards as anyone else we encounter in life.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 10, 2014 1:09:10 GMT
I would not be able to sit on a board that hired/paid a coach that spoke to a 14yo that way at all. Imagine when the other parents come with a similar story.
He is saying totally degrading things to a 14 yo boy, things that have NOTHING to do with improving the athletes performance and are not necessary in any way.
Beyond that the boy he's saying it to is your child. In no way would that fly with me. No way.
I would be unable to keep my mouth shut.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Jul 10, 2014 1:09:44 GMT
You have to say something because with comments like that that are not addressed, his comfort level will increase and then the comments will escalate.
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marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Jul 10, 2014 1:10:54 GMT
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,407
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 10, 2014 1:17:30 GMT
You know what it means when all the Peas agree. You must say something and stand up for your kid. Who cares if he knows who complained. The coach is the one that did something wrong, not you or your DS.
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Post by mztfied on Jul 10, 2014 1:19:37 GMT
Don't let this pass. Don't teach your son that being abused verbally is acceptable. This man's actions are disgusting.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 10, 2014 1:21:57 GMT
Don't let this pass. Don't teach your son that being abused verbally is acceptable. This man's actions are disgusting. Yea I'm going to say if the things he said got any worse they'd be awfully close to being a hate crime.
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Post by melissak on Jul 10, 2014 1:24:32 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok. I agree!
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