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Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 17, 2014 20:18:20 GMT
OP any update?
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639 
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Jul 17, 2014 21:02:49 GMT
I do NOT know for sure, but as a Board member, with that information coming to you, I wonder about potential liability for a FAILURE to take this matter further. You all might -- again, I don't know for sure, but you should -- you all might be mandated reporters and frankly, that language sounds like sexual harassment to me.
In any case, it must be stopped.
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Post by penny on Jul 18, 2014 0:56:23 GMT
Think of the kids that don't feel comfortable telling their mom/dad about the coach's behaviour... That kind of thing is wrong in any situation... A person of authority, a role model of sorts, especially of children/teens who are extra vulnerable to things like that, needs to be reported... You already have concerns and said it's wrong - could live with yourself if you didn't say something?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:14:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 3:21:33 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok. This. And by being on the board you kind of have a moral responsibility to the other kids potentially being bullied/harassed by this asshole. Report this jerk. Now. Who knows if his inappropriate language has gone further? You just never know.  Personally I'd nail his scrotum to the wall and then report him, but I'm a bitch and ok with that. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 18, 2014 4:00:13 GMT
I have raised boys and was raised with boys. They talk differently than women do. My kids have had coaches that said things I would never have imagined (never sexual). Perhaps your hubby can speak to the coach differently than you would and not get emotional and be more matter of fact. I do agree that he is getting bullied. Standing up to that is essential. Clearly the coach thinks this kind of talk is okay. Perhaps your son would feel better if his dad did the talking. I know when I talk things like this over with my husband, we don't always share the same emotions and words mean different things to us. If he doesn't think it is a big deal, I would still report it to the board. Simply not okay.
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ksabel
Shy Member
Posts: 14
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Post by ksabel on Jul 18, 2014 4:09:47 GMT
I'm disgusted by this. Horrified. So sorry for your son  who deserves to enjoy something he's good at without being impacted by this weirdo/sicko. Please say something. |
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jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
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Post by jenkate77 on Jul 18, 2014 17:36:24 GMT
I've been waiting until I actually HAD an update to post one. We've decided that my husband will speak to the coach, and I will speak to the head of our board. Our son is not on board with this, but we're going to do it anyways. We really think it needs to be done in person however - and neither one of us has been to the pool, and probably won't be for a while. My son is supposed to be swimming at a meet this weekend, but has decided to take a break until August. Our monthly dues are $135 and he'd make it to only one or two practices a week. Naturally, we're both going to be out of town for the next few weeks, so it may be August before we get to have these conversations.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 18, 2014 18:12:43 GMT
sorry to say..but I think you need to inform the board now what is happening and not put it off for another month. what if something happens in the meantime..you knew there was a problem and you did nothing? send a letter, document the problem...make phone calls in addition. this sort of sexist bullying behavior shouldn't be tolerated at all and not put on back burner as if it was not an immediate issue. as a parent, I would be mad you knew something and didn't say something.
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Post by arielsmom on Jul 18, 2014 18:17:04 GMT
I agree that this needs to be addressed asap, like a week ago, not in a month. It loses impact if you delay.
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bunnylady
Junior Member
Posts: 55
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Post by bunnylady on Jul 18, 2014 19:33:28 GMT
I wouldn't say anything myself. I'd send my very tall, very muscular former Federal Law Enforcement Officer husband over to have a little chat with him.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,709
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Post by Dani-Mani on Jul 18, 2014 19:49:03 GMT
I also agree this should not be delayed--you need to discuss it with someone ASAP.
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Post by hawkeyegal on Jul 18, 2014 20:47:30 GMT
I'm the mom of a long-time swimmer and also served on the swim club board for many years, including several as president. I don't know how your club is organized but I hope the role and responsibilities of the board are clearly outlined. I'm also working under the assumption that you are a USA Swimming club. If not, I think the following still applies, but obviously does not carry the weight of the policies of the national organization. Since you are a board member your responsibility extends beyond your son to the welfare of all the swimmers. I would strongly recommend that neither you nor your husband confront the coach, but instead report this to the board and have the president request a meeting of the coach with the board. This needs to happen quickly, not when the board meets in a month or whenever. At the meeting, the president should calmly and concisely present a summary of his comments to your son and ask for his response. It is important to allow the coach to respond, but not let this disintegrate into a protracted debate from either side. Board presents concerns, listens to coach's response, tells the coach the board will discuss the matter and get back to him promptly with the results of deliberations. Hopefully there is language in the coach's contract about proper conduct and consequences for not following those conditions. If he is a USA Swimming certified coach, he needs to be following this code of conduct and as a board I'd recommend you institute the Best Practices recommendations which serve to protect both coaches and swimmers. USA Swimming Code of ConductUSA Swimming Best PracticesThis needs to be dealt with quickly and professionally. As our club president, I separated complaints into two categories. Allegations of actions by any club member -- coach, swimmer or parent -- that affected our swimmers' health, safety, and well being needed to be dealt with by the board. Complaints about practice lane assignments, relay team makeup, types of practice drills are coaching matters. It's important for the board not to micro-manage the deck or get drawn into parent drama. On the other hand, volunteer boards need to operate professionally and deal with the tough stuff. Good luck. I am sorry that this coach is behaving so inappropriately and ruining swimming for your son. This. This, this, this, this. I have also served as the president of a team and am currently the president of our league. I couldn't say it as eloquently as bandjmom.  I do want to add that all USA Swim coaches are required to go through Abuse Prevention Training bi-annually. This is focused on how/where to touch swimmers when correcting strokes, inappropriate relationships, etc. but also covers emotional abuse. They have a free course for Parents & Swimmers as well. Abuse Prevention |
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 18, 2014 21:49:12 GMT
I also agree this should not be delayed--you need to discuss it with someone ASAP. I agree, and being on the board gives you both responsibility and an excuse to bring it to the other board members. Tell them you would normally handle this yourself but since you're on the Board you felt a larger responsibility. You can even defend the coach, saying you're sure it's a misunderstanding, but in case other swimmers have similar concerns you want it investigated. That may sound a little back handed, but makes it less accusatory while still being responsible- if you have any doubts. You can mention you're leaving on vacation or kid at camp, and didn't want this to linger. Since you are on the Board I wouldn't have Dad talk to Coach If t's a bigger problem, it's a heads up before investigation. If needed, have DH bring issue to the Board in order to reduce some momentary conflict. |
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Post by birukitty on Jul 18, 2014 22:02:49 GMT
I agree. You CANNOT sit on this until August. If you do you are basically condoning it and saying it's okay. Meanwhile for all you know this coach is doing the same thing to the other boys and even worse. You son trusted you enough to come to you and tell you what was going on. He trusted you to spill his guts and tell you something that wasn't easy at all to confess. What kind of message are you sending to you son if you do nothing until August?
For cris sakes, you are a member of the board! That alone makes your responsibilities in this even more responsible. Do I have to spell it out to you? This coach made a sexual reference to your son! That's the part your son told you about. There is still something your son hasn't told you about that has happened. Show your son that you have his back. Tell him you are going after this coach and that he will pay for what he has done. That what he said was wrong for an adult-it is absolutely not correct behavior and your son is in no way to blame. Ask him to please write down what else happened if he won't tell you on a piece of paper because the board will need to know in order to get this coach fired-and he should be fired-immediately!
Go to the board with the information. Kids do not make this stuff up. Studies have shown this. If you do this now and don't sit on your hands until August it will prove how crucial and serious this is. If you wait until August you've already lost.
Debbie in MD.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:14:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 22:03:20 GMT
I also agree this should not be delayed--you need to discuss it with someone ASAP. I agree, and being on the board gives you both responsibility and an excuse to bring it to the other board members. Tell them you would normally handle this yourself but since you're on the Board you felt a larger responsibility. You can even defend the coach, saying you're sure it's a misunderstanding, but in case other swimmers have similar concerns you want it investigated. That may sound a little back handed, but makes it less accusatory while still being responsible- if you have any doubts. You can mention you're leaving on vacation or kid at camp, and didn't want this to linger. Since you are on the Board I wouldn't have Dad talk to Coach If t's a bigger problem, it's a heads up before investigation. If needed, have DH bring issue to the Board in order to reduce some momentary conflict. EXCELLENT point about it being a heads up... Didn't think of it that way. Very smart thinking. I agree, do it now. |
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 22, 2014 22:06:14 GMT
What do your monthly dues have to do with this and how many meets your son swims in?
If you had time to post on this message board about this, you had time to act decisively. Waiting almost a month after the event gives the impression that it wasn't that important or inappropriate to you. You seem more annoyed about how far you go have to drive to another pool and the dues you are still paying while avoiding the coach & this issue
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 22, 2014 23:00:48 GMT
It's nice to know that you'll only stand up for your child when it is convenient. You have wasted enough time as it is. Every day you waste is more time for him to do something or say something to someone else. And frankly, taking so long to come forward could seriously hurt your integrity. Anyone even slightly on the fence in a his word against your kid's word scenario is going to wonder why it took you so long if it's such a big deal and if maybe that time wasn't used to embellish the tale. If he suspects you're going to make an issue of it, you've also given him time to cover his backside.
I know this is harsh and, no doubt, not what you want to hear. But all I'm hearing are excuses and avoidance. You don't want to make an issue of it, fine. But step down off the board because you clearly don't have anyone's best interests in mind.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,797
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Post by Rhondito on Jul 22, 2014 23:10:34 GMT
I think saying you're going to wait until you're at the pool again is basically a cop out. What good is it going to do to say, "Weeks ago you said X, Y, and Z to my son..." ?? My interpretation (from the coach's and board's view) would be that you obviously weren't very bothered by it or you would have said something sooner.
My dad would have gone straight to the coach the same day if he had talked to me or my brother that way.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 23, 2014 1:25:16 GMT
When I was raped at the age of 4 by my doctor, he threatened to hurt my family if I ever told. What he didn't know is that my dad was a sheriff's deputy that had angered a neighbor who sabotaged my dad's truck and did other things. I didn't know that the two weren't related. I was 4. So I didn't tell. Even though I had a lot of issues after my rape, nobody suspected abuse. I was just too afraid to tell.
Your son isn't telling you something. There could be some threat that the coach made that you son thinks he made good on with someone else.
Your son is 14. He is NOT an adult and shouldn't tie your hands--especially since you're a mandated reporter. Check up on all the lawsuits the Redsocks have been in because of long term abuse at their facilities. There was also recently long term abuse by a coach to a junior olympian swimmer. It's not ok that you're putting this off. At the very least, you're giving your son the wrong message--believe the adult more than your own child. At the worst, you are protecting an adult who is harming a child.
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Post by jjpswife on Jul 23, 2014 2:17:40 GMT
Wow. I agree with everyone else. You've already waited too long. Do something now.
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who deserves to enjoy something he's good at without being impacted by this weirdo/sicko. Please say something. 
I do want to add that all USA Swim coaches are required to go through Abuse Prevention Training bi-annually. This is focused on how/where to touch swimmers when correcting strokes, inappropriate relationships, etc. but also covers emotional abuse. They have a free course for Parents & Swimmers as well. 
Southern Side eyed Pea 