uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,530
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Jul 10, 2014 11:21:04 GMT
Whether or not you could find another coach should not factor into your decision to say something. You should base your decision on the inappropriateness of the comments themselves.
The comments were inappropriate. As others have said - can you even imagine some of the other things that are being said that you aren't hearing about.
I think you should speak up. It's important for your son to see you standing up to poor behavior. I absolutely agree with this. Your son is lucky to be in a loving homee with a parenthe can talk to about this who supports him. What might the coach be saying to more vulnerable kids? The coach was totally inappropriate and that would be far more important to me than whether my child swims competitively . If the board wouldn't act on such a complaint then they should be ashamed.who knows how many other kids might speak up if this incident is dealt with appropriately ? ETA having read some further responses I also think it might be better coming from your husband or being taken straight to the board. I cannot believe this was an isolated incident and that other people don't know the measure of this man! i also assumed you would talk to your son about why you had to do something abut this before you do so I agree with you there. I had to take a teacher to task when my DDwas 14. She really didn't want me to - floods of tears etc. but I dealt with it calmly, allowed the teacher to retain her dignity and the result was my daughter had a much better experience with that teacher the last 2 years in that school. She has continued to confide in me, and I was brought to tears a couple of years ago, when one of her friends told me my daughter told her she trusted me implicitly and felt she could tell me absolutely anything. Her friend said she wished she had the same relationship with her own mum The teacher knew she was wrong and appreciated the fact I made it clear I could have gone straight to the Head, but chose to give her the option of rectifying the situation. She was a generally good teacher though- this coach sounds like he is only there because a replacement can't be found!
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Jul 10, 2014 11:24:40 GMT
That kind of bullying wouldn't be tolerated if done by another *child* so why on earth should a grownup and "leader" be allowed to engage in it? Seriously, that's just so far over the line in a number of ways that it HAS TO BE addressed. He should not be allowed unsupervised contact with kids if that's how he treats them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 11:48:31 GMT
I would absolutely say something. This isn't a coach being tough on an athlete, it's disgusting and disturbing.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 10, 2014 12:07:06 GMT
Who knows how long this coach has been saying things like this.
If you are married, I think both you and your husband should speak to the coach on behalf of your son. As a member of the board, you have a fiduciary responsibility to disclose this to the board.
You said this in the OP- <<Naturally I want to say something. BUT - the only other swim club close to me is 2 hours away. I'm not driving there 5 day a week for practice. He loves to swim. He'll start swimming for the high school this year.>>
While this is an inconvenience to you, it does not trump your responsibility to report it to the board.
I don't know why but when I read your post the name Jerry Sandusky popped into my mind.
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Post by maryland on Jul 10, 2014 12:11:04 GMT
I would say something. That is not appropriate for a adult to say to a teen boy! This is a lesson for your son. That everyone needs to treat him with respect and this is not right. A boy should not be treated and spoken to like this.
I love your comment about why he does track. My daughter loves track, and all the cute boys make it even more fun for her!
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 10, 2014 12:30:30 GMT
Say something. If you don't, you are teaching your son to tolerate unacceptable behavior toward him.
It won't be easy.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 10, 2014 12:34:27 GMT
I understand trepidation talking to a coach, I feel that way with teachers too. Never want my actions to cause problems for the kid- even when I'm correcting a problem and in the right. I'm guessing you know you have to deal with this, and wanted to vet it through the pea refugees? You can do it. It won't be fun, but if you're a parent caring enough and respected enough by others to be on the Board your voice will be heard. And it needs to be heard! Now, congratulations on raising a son willing to tell you about it. That's more important than any event time!!! My son swam with a private/competitive club from 7 yrs of age to 14 when he quit. (because of the swim coach) he also had very high state rankings in 3 strokes and a national ranking as a 10 yr and 12 yr old in the 1500 freestyle. When he turned 13, his other interests began to encroach on his swim practice. Always made the morning practice but missed 2 evening practices a week for scouts. The coach was not happy about this and began a campaign of verbal assaults. I wasn't aware until about a month into it. I first took it to the board (I was not on the board). The board was reluctant to say anything to the coach, as it was a case of 'he said..he said'. So, I inquired around and found one parent and two other swimmers who witnessed the verbal abuse. Board still wouldn't do anything, suggested I let son and coach work it out. I got brave... Squared my shoulders and called for a meeting with the big, mean alpha male thug of a coach. It didn't get exactly contentious, but it wasn't cordial either. Soooo, I asked him if his goal was to drive son off the team because that is what was going to happen.......... He is a thriving, successful father of two boys. With fond memories of his swimming days, knowing he was good.. But not 'that' good, that it would be his life's work. He doesn't consider himself a quitter and 'would' intervene if the same was happening to his boys. Thanks for sharing this. Most parents need to remember few kids will have adult careers in sports. And in some sports -like swimming- there are even lower odds. Better to raise a thriving confident person able to roll with changes life brings.
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Post by ingrid6 on Jul 10, 2014 12:43:07 GMT
I think you need to say something. Imagine what he is saying that your son won't tell you. Imagine what he is saying to children that aren't comfortable talking to their parents. Imagine how other children's self esteem and self worth is being affected. I wouldn't feel right not saying anything, and I think by not saying anything you would be condoning it. The coach didn't say these things to an adult, he said them to a child. That is NOT ok. I agree! I agree too. Different circumstances but when my son was about 10, he was on a baseball team at school. His coach wasn't happy with how they did in a game. Sat them all down and starting yelling and it escalated to 'what the f%#^ do you think you're doing? You're a bunch of f'ng losers!' Yep - to 10 year olds. Seriously? You're going to drop the f bomb on young kids playing a game? It's not the World Series! Took it to the school, had a meeting (ironically near a poster that said something along the lines of 'no bullying' or 'because nice matters) So glad we said something.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 13:33:04 GMT
You can also discuss with your son that the reason this MUST come out is for the safety of other kids on the team as well, kids who can't, won't or don't talk to their parents. At 14 he's old enough to have a meaningful conversation with and he will then understand why the risk to both himself and others outweighs his need not to be a tattletale, which, BTW, I don't think he is. ITA. If the coach speaks to your son this way, it's not a stretch to think he's done it and will do it to others. Ask your son how he felt when the coach said these things. Does he want other people to endure the same humiliation? Explain that it will actually make the team stronger to stick together.
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Post by alibama on Jul 10, 2014 13:38:27 GMT
I would be taking care of this ASAP. Thankfully your son as someone to talk to about this but so many kids can't talk to their parents about stuff like this. I can only imagine what this coach is saying to other kids!
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2fun
New Member
Posts: 5
Jul 8, 2014 20:27:11 GMT
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Post by 2fun on Jul 10, 2014 13:47:10 GMT
I have to second (third?) the comments about speaking with your son first. I would bet this coach will say something to him, or treat him differently in some way. Make sure your son knows he is being a 'champion' for the rest of the team by speaking out. I guarantee your son isn't the first - or last - kid that has been exposed to that incredibly inappropriate treatment.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 10, 2014 13:50:45 GMT
I agree too. Different circumstances but when my son was about 10, he was on a baseball team at school. His coach wasn't happy with how they did in a game. Sat them all down and starting yelling and it escalated to 'what the f%#^ do you think you're doing? You're a bunch of f'ng losers!' Yep - to 10 year olds. Seriously? You're going to drop the f bomb on young kids playing a game? It's not the World Series! Took it to the school, had a meeting (ironically near a poster that said something along the lines of 'no bullying' or 'because nice matters) So glad we said something. You know, with 2 kids in sports/activities I have let an out of the ordinary emotional F bomb pass totally without comment (well not to 10 year olds and definitely not in the demeaning way that was said to your son ingrid6 ) I have even let a 'WTF are you doing?" pass, mostly because when it was said it was totally understandable and slipped out and I would have said nearly the same thing myself if I hadn't been careful. But the coach in the OP went way beyond a high emotion f bomb here or there. I don't expect my children's coaches or directors to be perfect angels. They are humans, with emotions and make mistakes like everyone does. I do expect respect though. And I do expect an apology when a line is crossed. The coach in the OP went way beyond a slip up by what was posted. 'Pussy' is "this close" to other words that are on the list of words that make an assault a hate crime. He used words and phrases that are deliberately demeaning for the intent of bullying the boy. Not to make him faster or improve his form, not to get him pumped up for a meet, not because it slipped out at a highly emotional time. Just to demean. So totally unacceptable IMHO.
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Post by songbird on Jul 10, 2014 13:57:26 GMT
Wow, I would be beside myself! Your son does not deserve that no matter what he may have said or done! He is a coach and should be an example that your son would want to model himself after - not someone who degrades him. If this "coach" will say those kinds of things to your son, imagine what else he can, would and has probably done to other kids. I'm not saying he has done anything to other kids because I don't know that obviously, but I do think this behavior is a huge red flag, and if I were the parent of a more meek child who was being coached by him, I would appreciate you stepping forward because it may save my child from having something similar said to he/she or sadly, worse. ETA: I'd likely not talk to coach. I would find out from your son if there were witnesses and then go to his superior, if possible.
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Post by kmcginn on Jul 10, 2014 13:59:05 GMT
If you don't want to report him to the board right away, can you confront the coach? Maybe if he knows you know about it he'll change his tune. If not, then I would certainly escalate it to the board. That is most definitely inappropriate to say to a child.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 13:59:36 GMT
I would say something...my gut tells me your son is not the only one he has done this too....
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,971
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 10, 2014 14:07:03 GMT
I have to agree that you and DH need to take care of this ASAP. His comments are beyond aggressive coaching and are verbal abuse. Do not let your son continue to swim for this man.
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Post by tanyab on Jul 10, 2014 14:11:51 GMT
Wowzers, I'd be royally pissed! This guys should not be coaching children.
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Post by Laura in OK on Jul 10, 2014 14:14:45 GMT
Agree, agree, agree with everyone's comments. Your son is probably not the only one being treated like this.
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Post by jemali on Jul 10, 2014 14:29:45 GMT
some other things that he didn't want to say in front of his Mom
If he is not comfortable repeating what the coach said, have him write it down on a piece of paper.
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bandjmom
Full Member
Posts: 198
Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on Jul 10, 2014 14:33:28 GMT
I'm the mom of a long-time swimmer and also served on the swim club board for many years, including several as president. I don't know how your club is organized but I hope the role and responsibilities of the board are clearly outlined. I'm also working under the assumption that you are a USA Swimming club. If not, I think the following still applies, but obviously does not carry the weight of the policies of the national organization. Since you are a board member your responsibility extends beyond your son to the welfare of all the swimmers. I would strongly recommend that neither you nor your husband confront the coach, but instead report this to the board and have the president request a meeting of the coach with the board. This needs to happen quickly, not when the board meets in a month or whenever. At the meeting, the president should calmly and concisely present a summary of his comments to your son and ask for his response. It is important to allow the coach to respond, but not let this disintegrate into a protracted debate from either side. Board presents concerns, listens to coach's response, tells the coach the board will discuss the matter and get back to him promptly with the results of deliberations. Hopefully there is language in the coach's contract about proper conduct and consequences for not following those conditions. If he is a USA Swimming certified coach, he needs to be following this code of conduct and as a board I'd recommend you institute the Best Practices recommendations which serve to protect both coaches and swimmers. USA Swimming Code of ConductUSA Swimming Best PracticesThis needs to be dealt with quickly and professionally. As our club president, I separated complaints into two categories. Allegations of actions by any club member -- coach, swimmer or parent -- that affected our swimmers' health, safety, and well being needed to be dealt with by the board. Complaints about practice lane assignments, relay team makeup, types of practice drills are coaching matters. It's important for the board not to micro-manage the deck or get drawn into parent drama. On the other hand, volunteer boards need to operate professionally and deal with the tough stuff. Good luck. I am sorry that this coach is behaving so inappropriately and ruining swimming for your son.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Jul 10, 2014 14:52:36 GMT
The name Jerry Sandusky came to my mind as well when I read this. If the coach can get away saying this to a board members child my guess is he feels invincible. It's not right saying this to ANY child. Makes me sick.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 10, 2014 15:25:51 GMT
Silence is often considered acceptance.
He needs to be taken to task but it should be done in a formal way so that you create a paper trail.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:53:27 GMT
I have not read the earlier replies, but I get where you are coming from. Your son loves to swim and this is the best opportunity relevant to your location. If you make enemies with this coach you will ruin things for your son. You son has probably also in the position of this is how guys talk in the locker room.
How I would approach it...
The next time you are in the room with this guy, strike up a "friendly" conversation. Carry-on with the friendly conversation. When things come to a close, your departing remark - "Another parent privately approached me about your motivational comments in the locker room to some of our swimmers. You will want to consider your choice of words going forward. Other parents are talking. They are not as patient as and forgiving as I am."
Look at him, turn, and walk away.
This puts the coach on notice without divulging who.
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Post by wezee on Jul 10, 2014 16:10:14 GMT
I PMed you
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 16:21:17 GMT
I was a competitive swimmer for 12 years. My year round coach (who had been my coach for years) said some horrible things to me my Junior year and I struggled with his words for years. He told me I would never amount to anything...that I would be mediocore my whole life and I might as well just give up on everything I did. I had just broken the state record in the 100yr breast stroke and made an All American time yet I believed I was worthless because of this guy. I actually stopped swimming after high school because I thought he was right. I gave up college scholorships because of my self doubt.
When I was in my yearly 30's I was coaching a year round team in another state than I grew up and at a meet I ran into this man. I literlly got sick to my stomach and threw up. By the end of the day I found the courage to confront him. It took every ounce of strength talk to him but I needed to let him know how he effected me. He was shocked. He said he remembers telling me those things but never knew how if effected me. He told me it was to "make be stronger" and crap like that. He didn't apologize for his comments but it made me feel better knowing I told him how he made me feel.
You need to say something about this coach. These people who mold our children need to be held to a higher standard. They need to understand how damanging their words can be.
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Post by peanuttle on Jul 10, 2014 17:13:26 GMT
Please say something. It's not only your son, he coaches many other children and who knows what he may be saying to them. Totally inappropriate!
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Post by ILoveToScrapPea on Jul 10, 2014 17:20:29 GMT
That's horrible!! I'd say something to the coach.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 13:20:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 17:32:32 GMT
Yeah, Penn State definitely comes to mind. It's never ok to let abusive behavior slide. Never, ever.
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doti
Shy Member
Posts: 44
Jun 26, 2014 1:01:26 GMT
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Post by doti on Jul 10, 2014 17:47:30 GMT
I would be concerned about "some other things that he didn't want to say in front of his Mom." the coach said.. Plus, I think telling him he "only gets satisfaction in the shower" could have sexual intent not just bullying and may be his opening to start the grooming process. We all like to think, not on our kids team or not our kid's coach, scout leader, daycare worker- but then something happens and we all wonder how they got away with it. They get away with it because no one wants to loose a good coach, no one wants to may waves.
You say you don't want to drive him 2 hours, and you want him to continue swimming, but how will you feel if you do nothing and something worse happens? In the long run continued exposure to even this behavior may cause him to loose interest in swimming or negatively effect his performance.
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doti
Shy Member
Posts: 44
Jun 26, 2014 1:01:26 GMT
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Post by doti on Jul 10, 2014 17:58:34 GMT
Also, is the swim club not liable for the actions of it's employees? And since you are on the board would not addressing his behavior increase that liability? What if his behavior toward other children is worse? Penn State comes to mind.
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