The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 3:44:22 GMT
----Update 7/14/14----
They don't feel their dog is going to die in the next couple of weeks. My brother is staying home, and my sil and niece are coming. This was decided last night.
I kept my mouth shut. I did mention to my sil that maybe she could come with my niece while we were having an informal conversation, but I left it at that and said I understood if they all want to stick together. My mom spoke with my sil a little too and did mention being out the money spent. That was on her though. I stayed out of that conversation.
My sil does want to go. My brother doesn't care for travel anyway, so he gets to stay home for a week with his dog, work on his basement and not have to go on a trip he didn't really want to go on in the first place. We will miss him, but he is doing what's best for his sanity.
Oh, oh, and he is gong to watch our dog too (they offered). So there is a bright side for me. lol.
-----------original -------------
Ok, long story, and I'm going to try and make it as brief as possible.
Sil and brother have a 4year old DD and two aging dogs. Younger dog was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago and given weeks to three months to live. He is still kicking, but a few days ago he took a turn. Today they found the cancer is really bad and sqeezing organs. He is anemic and very sick.
We (meaning sil, brother, niece, DH, me, my boys and my parents) have a family trip planned for a week from now. We are going to a wedding and then traveling to a few places. My parents are generously paying for lodging at a couple nice resorts/3 bedroom condos and ferry fees for the cars.
They are taking the impending death hard (I get it. I just put my 16 year old dog down six weeks ago and have another aging dog), but they want to drop out of the vacation. We will still go, but we don't need horribly expensive condos for six people or two ferry cars (across Lake Michigan). It's ok if they don't go, but my parents wanted a family vacation and are a little upset....which...
I need to add one more thing. My parents have been dealing with many health issues this past year. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease (IPF) that gives him likely 2-5 years. He is on oxygen at night and off and on throughout the day. It will get worse. We don't know how quicky his quality of life will descrease.
I say they should put the dog down and go. He only has weeks and is very sick. It sucks. It is horrible, but it is inevitable. They have known for over a year the dog was sick, and his time was neigh. They have the weekend to love him up. We don't leave until next Thursday.
Do I say anything? Do I let it be and just stay silent? Am I wrong to think they should put my parent's wishes and needs before their own/dog's?
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 12, 2014 3:46:24 GMT
I don't think you should say anything as they won't take it well.
Personally, I would put the dog to sleep when he took the turn for the worse. I don't want my pet to suffer.
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Post by shevy on Jul 12, 2014 3:51:32 GMT
I'm with you but I wouldn't say anything. It's not going to make a difference. I think if anyone said anything it should be your parents pointing out your dad's illness.
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Post by worrywart on Jul 12, 2014 3:52:49 GMT
Don't say anything. It is their decision.
My dog died of cancer 15 years ago, and I would barely even go out for dinner, let alone a vacation. Not sure what I would have done in their situation, but it sucks for them and for you as well. I'm sorry.
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The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 3:53:56 GMT
If my dad wasn't dying (just getting used to saying this), I would not consider saying anything. I just think he (it is mostly my brother) isn't thinking this through. Five years from now will he still be glad he spent the week going to work, and coming home and being sad while his dog slowly gets worse, or will he wish he had gone and made memories with his father? One more week with my dog or my dad? Hmmmm. Let me think....
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The Great Carpezio
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Something profound goes here.
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 3:54:56 GMT
My dad won't say anything. Maybe my mom would.
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Post by utmr on Jul 12, 2014 3:58:44 GMT
Personally I would put the dog out of his misery and go on vacation. But I don't think you can say anything without getting in all sorts of family trouble.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 13:19:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2014 4:04:30 GMT
I had to put down my 14 yr old dog a couple of days before I went out of town. He was on his last leg and I was dragging my feet about it. It kind of helped that I had to leave town. It was like ripping off the band aid. It hurt like hell and I was very sad but the trip forced me to get on with my life. Had I just waited for "the right time", it would have happened and I would have felt terrible PLUS I would have missed my bff's wedding. Being occupied doing something fun really helped me grieve better.
I have no advice on how to approach them about it though. I had to come to that decision on my own.
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SabrinaP
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Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 12, 2014 4:10:44 GMT
That's a really sad situation. I am definitely in the camp of putting the poor animal down, but I wouldn't say anything to them. It's a very personal decision.
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naniwebbemt
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Jul 10, 2014 0:50:12 GMT
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Post by naniwebbemt on Jul 12, 2014 4:14:37 GMT
I can't tell you what you should do, because I don't know how your family would react. If it were my sister, I would say something. I know losing a pet is just awful and heart wrenching. I just think they will regret having more time with the dog and less time with your dad. Maybe they haven't thought about it that way. I just feel bad for your parents that they are choosing the dog over them, especially when they are footing the bill. My family is very blunt, and doesn't sugar coat anything. So in my case it wouldn't cause a huge family issue.
In the end, they are the ones missing out on a great opportunity.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 4:21:45 GMT
We aren't really blunt. Minnesota passive aggressive nice lol. I am the most forward. My brother is stubborn. He won't like me saying anything, but he won't disown me or kick me out of his house.
I think my sil and niece might come if I say something. My brother won't --my guess, but he might at least see my point and make him think. I don't want to guilt him, but I do want him to see the big picture because he might regret it.
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The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 4:25:33 GMT
Oh, and I had to listen to my sil make comments about my old dog for the last several months. Every time she saw Sosa, she'd talk about how skinny she was, how bad she felt for her, how it was her time...or past her time.
So a precedent was set....
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 13:19:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2014 4:29:41 GMT
In light of your dad's health, I would say something. In a calm, nonjudgmental way.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 12, 2014 4:30:21 GMT
Would it be better to talk to SIL?
Hey SIL, I know how much you love dog and that he is not feeling well right now, but Dad isn't doing so hot either. He and mom are really looking forward to this family vacation as they don't think that it will be happening again. I'm asking for them that you reconsider your decision to not go.
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FurryP
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Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
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Post by FurryP on Jul 12, 2014 4:43:59 GMT
I don't think you should say anything as they won't take it well. Personally, I would put the dog to sleep when he took the turn for the worse. I don't want my pet to suffer. I agree with this. I too, would have put my dog down when he went downhill because his not suffering would be more important to me than my selfishness to keep him around longer. I would not want to go on vacation, but in the end I would probably go because the distraction would help with the the loss....and I love my Dad and would want to spend as much time with him as possible. But each person has to decide for themself.
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Post by jamieson on Jul 12, 2014 4:51:57 GMT
As much as it makes sense to you to go ahead with the vacation, I don't think you are going to convince them. Their grief is real and important.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 12, 2014 4:53:24 GMT
I'm sorry, that sucks I would also put my dog down and go on the family vacation. Not because I would feel up to vacationing, but because so many other people are depending on me and my family. I'm really sorry they can't see what needs to be done on their own.
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Post by elaine on Jul 12, 2014 4:53:41 GMT
I guess I would advise that you do/say what you need to your brother in order to feel comfortable with your roll in the situation. And then let your brother decide for himself what he wants to do. It is a terrible situation all the way around, and just because you could picture going on vacation after putting down your dog, doesn't mean that he can.
So, do what you need to do and understand when he does what he needs to do, even if it isn't what you would choose.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 12, 2014 5:14:49 GMT
Oh, and I had to listen to my sil make comments about my old dog for the last several months. Every time she saw Sosa, she'd talk about how skinny she was, how bad she felt for her, how it was her time...or past her time. So a precedent was set.... Can I ask, in the gentlest way possible, if you carry some resentment about this and is it coloring your thoughts/feelings now? Also, do you know if their dog has hemangiosarcoma? From what you describe, it's possible, and might affect my response.
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Jul 12, 2014 5:14:58 GMT
I don't think you should say anything as they won't take it well. Personally, I would put the dog to sleep when he took the turn for the worse. I don't want my pet to suffer. Same here, after what we went through with Chance, I think we kept him with us a week too long. I would not want him to suffer more. Exactly this!
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 12, 2014 5:26:36 GMT
As someone who recently put a dog down, I would not have appreciated your comments. I know you mean well, but I'm being honest. I was miserable for days afterwards - and even if I made the choice to put my dog down before the vacation, I'm not sure I would go anyway. I realize there are issues with your Dad's health and that might play into my decision, but I can't be sure.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 12, 2014 5:53:43 GMT
Personally I would put the dog out of his misery and go on vacation. But I don't think you can say anything without getting in all sorts of family trouble.
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Grom Pea
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Jun 27, 2014 0:21:07 GMT
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Post by Grom Pea on Jul 12, 2014 5:56:01 GMT
I almost had to make this decision with my dog, she couldn't walk and wasn't eating, but we talked to the vet who agreed to board her and she's fine now, some how they got her eating and taking her pain meds. That being said I don't think I could have enjoyed vacation if I had just put her down. Dh put our beloved kitty with cancer down the day before we left to see family. The vet told him it was time though. Poor kitty had grown 1 lb of tumor in a month and hasn't been eating (dh had to syringe feed him). It was the right decision but still its a personal decision. The only way I'd talk to my sticking about this is if I felt they needed someone to give them the permission to let go, like they were holding on to hope and there just wasn't any. Its a hard situation.
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The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 6:05:52 GMT
Tracy, that's the problem. I did just put my dog down. It sucked. I had to go to work the next day (last day with students). I had to make the decision, call, go in, hold her and stay with her until she got cold. I had to listen to my boys beg for 100 more days. I had to hold them as we all cried that night.
It really sucks. What sucks more? My dad is dying. I know their grief is real and we all grieve differently, but I don't want him to have regrets. Honestly, I love them all, but the trip would be easier without them, and we woudnt have to drive our car. It's more about the future vs the present.
Becky, I don't think I am resentful. I just shared that to illustrate the precedent that was set. I was annoyed, but no, I'm not trying to make a point. I love their dogs too. I'm sad for them and I've never said anything but positive things and support. Last year we changed our vacation plans so they could take their dogs with them (soon after the diagnosis). I don't know what he has, but he was sick last year but now he is really sick.
I probably won't say anything unless my mom wants me too. We will see them tomorrow and feel out the situation.
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Post by chaosisapony on Jul 12, 2014 6:05:52 GMT
If he is as ill as it sounds in the original post I think the dog should be put down immediately and not made to suffer any longer. Imagine being on your deathbed and your whole family leaves you. The stress and disruption that causes an already sick dog is just not ok.
Recently my grandpa went on a trip and came home to a dead dog. The dog had shown no signs of being ill and wasn't terribly old but my grandpa took it really really hard and wishes he'd been home to be with him. A friend also went through the same thing. Her dog had been sick for about a year, the family went on a week long vacation and got a phone call in the middle that the dog had passed away. She still hasn't forgiven herself.
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azredhead
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Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Jul 12, 2014 6:11:22 GMT
In your case I would only bring it up if your mom does. SO sad for your family though. That's a lot to deal with. Maybe just ask your mom if she's really okay with all the trip plans etc... sometimes we don't think so clearly when the stuff hits the fan all at once. It is hard too if you want to spend time together. I hope it works out!
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 12, 2014 6:15:03 GMT
I agree that you can't say anything. Maybe your mom could but that's about it. If you say anything, you look insensitive. I understand your situation though and why there is the dilemma. I hope it goes according to plan and they can put the dog down and still enjoy your family vacation.
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The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 12, 2014 6:23:40 GMT
Yeah, I don't think they should leave him. I think I would be more sympathetic (I am sympathetic but practical) if they hadn't known he was sick for over a year and watched him decline for the last few weeks with a major turn last weekend. KWIM? Like if they just found out he had terminal cancer (like last year) I would be blindsided and not know what to do. But they have known this day would come.
With my girl, there were times I wished she had something specifically wrong with her. It would have made the decision simpler (if not easier). Instead it was a slow insidious decline. It started with a little limping on rising and by the end..seven years later... I was holding her up to go to the bathroom. I have another dog who just turned 16. I do worry about kenneling her, but she seems pretty good, just starting to slow down a little (and more clingy since her sister is gone).
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 12, 2014 6:46:57 GMT
It's a tough situation you and your family are in. I just went through this in April, I knew she didn't have long, but as we all know, knowing what is coming doesn't make it any easier. In my case, the vets (both the surgical team at the university hospital and my own vet) told me to enjoy her up until it was time to take her in. They described to me what to look for and how it would happen. At no time did any of the vets suggest that it would be more humane to put her down before those last hours because she would be feeling just fine up to then. (I don't know if I'm describing this right.)
At any rate, you said theirs took a turn for the worse, but I guess it's between them and the vet as to when his time will be.
I have to be honest, I would not have been in any shape to go on and enjoy any type of trip, no matter what. I would, however, plan for some special time with my dying parent in the next few months. To be honest, if it had been my Dad, he would have completely understood and would not have wanted me to force myself on the trip at such a time of deep loss. He would rather the time I spent with him be quality time and that would not have been possible in the immediate aftermath of Emily's death.
But every person mourns differently and every family is different. I'm sorry you are all dealing with such a difficult situation.
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Post by jamieson on Jul 12, 2014 7:04:23 GMT
Grief isn't practical, and you can't control how others feel, any more than they can change how you feel about your dad. Let it go and do what you can to help those around you. Maybe the death of this dog is how they choose to channel their feelings. You just have to do what's best for you and your family.
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