Your dog is dying. Do you cancel family vacation? UPDATED

I have no advice for you, as you are clearly in a very difficult situation, but I could not read and run. You have my deepest sympathies on your dad's declining health, and the recent loss of your fur baby. (((Hugs))))

In a normal situation, I wouldn't be able to go, but with the back story about your dad, I'd definitely have him and the trip take priority.

The thing is, if my brother became the kind of person who would value a pet more than a parent, I'm not sure he wouldn't be the person he was raised to be, and I'm not sure I'd still WANT a relationship with him. There'd be no relationship to jeopardize because the person I thought I had a relationship clearly doesn't exist.

Pets are wonderful. But they aren't more important than our parents, unless our parents were abusive and don't deserve to be called parents. It doesn't sound like the parents in the OP fit in that category. 

IMO, it's none of your business. Your brother has to deal with the consequences of missing this family vacation. It is not your job to protect him from his own decisions.

Personally, I would not go, even given the situation with your dad. After having to put down my beloved girl, I was inconsolable for weeks. I still cry over her, at times, 10 years later. I'm now have a middle-aged dog with health issues. When the time comes, I will be devastated.

Going on vacation would be the absolute last thing I wanted to do. Plus, I would not be good company anyway.

Really, what happens if they do as you think they should, go on the vacation and then, you have to deal with inconsolable children and morose siblings/in-law? Then, you will complain that they couldn't suck it up, in order to allow your parents to have a good time.

No win situation for your brother & his family any way it plays out.

Really?? I despise you and your opinion - who the fuck are you to tell me to put my dog down?

I would despise you and anything you said!!!

I don't think that anyone gets to tell anyone else how to grieve. If they feel like they need to be home with their dog, that's their right. If your dad had been given 2-3 weeks, I might see your point, but 2-5 years? No.

Well said, Ingrid. 

I guess my concern is three-fold: One, mom & dad have already put out the money for this trip. Obviously it's important to them - important enough that they're taking money that they could be putting aside for Dad's care to ensure that the family has this time together. Two, what if dad doesn't have 2-5 years left? If one could be sure of that, I would feel differently, because then it might be possible to reschedule/postpone the trip. But anything can happen. Dad may take a sudden turn for the worst and have 2-5 months or weeks left. And then his son has sent the message that he's not a priority. Three, for all they know they could go for part of the trip, with the dog kept at the vet's and be home before the dog passes. I can't speak for others, but I wasn't suggesting putting the dog down just to be free to go on vacation. I was suggesting they could come home early if the dog passes while they're away. Them being home with the dog isn't going to help it. The vet is the best place for it. But it will help dad to have the family time. 

I think what is being lost is that this isn't just "any" trip - at least not to the parents. This may be the "last" trip - a chance to spend quality time with the entire family while her father still has the ability to do so. While I am sure the dog is a much beloved member of the family, to put it in front of one's own mother and father, knowing the diagnosis your Dad has, I just don't get it, and probably never will, and I have had to watch a parent die from terminal disease and I have been a pet owner who has had to put a loved pet down. At the end of the day, you have the opportunity to have many pets throughout the course of your life - how many Dads will you have?

OP - I would say something, because I would not be able to live with my parents disappointment and I would do everything I could to bring happiness to their lives, even if it meant pissing off my brother... but that it me...

ETA - I was just thinking, and how many people here, if they were given a terminal diagnosis and planned a trip of a lifetime with their kids knowing that it might be the last time you would have the freedom, lack of pain, mobility and cognition to enjoy an adventure and your family altogether in one place, something you have looked forward to for a while - how many of you would be devastated if you got a call a few weeks before and were told your son/daughter and their family were no longer coming because of a dog? That a dog is now more important to your child than the people who birthed and raised them? How would you feel for your spouse, who might be the one with the terminal diagnosis - could you tell them the bad news and deal with his/her disappointment knowing it was your own children who did the disappointing? To me, if I couldn't handle the ramifications of someone doing it to me, I probably shouldn't do it to someone else. 

The OP asked if she should say something. I am of the mindset that she should and why I think she should. I can't change the response she would receive from her brother, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't try...

I am just giving different perspectives that people might not think about. I think society as a whole is moving away from the familial unit - it seems so many things seem to be coming before people these days...

For all we know, they are working through their dad's illness through their dog's illness. Maybe that's how they are coping, and that's how their family is moving forward through their loss. Who cares what society says, they're most often wrong in my opinion.

I think it was entirely a fair comparison - just a shoe being on the other foot and instead of being the one cancelling, it is the perspective of being cancelled on. It sounds much worse to be the one cancelled on, especially by your own child, and that may be the way her parents perceive it - fair or not to her brother/their son.

Again, this will be a forever agree to disagree because I have clearly stated my decision making process (humans always trump pets), and that is something my family and I have come to agreement on (yes, we have actually discussed this due to other extended familial members decisions), given the life experiences we have had. And I am of the mindset that you say something now rather than risk putting yourself in a situation where you could say "if only I did".

ETA - I have had 4 dogs and 5 cats over my lifetime and one Dad. My dad died at 53 from a horrible, terminal cancer diagnosis and I would have gladly given up every pet I ever had to have had more time with my Dad. To me, as horrible as losing a pet is, you can, when you are ready, have another pet. I will NEVER have another Dad, and to place them on equal footing is just something I will personally never understand.

This isn't to justify saying anything or not, but last summer, my mom got an illness that said she had maybe 4 good years left and possibly up to 6. But her system was down and she got another disease and was gone in 2 weeks. Perfectly healthy (in appearance and actions) and then gone.

We never ever know how long someone has. Sometimes it's almost a gift when we're told a certain amount of time left. I'm sorry for your dad, OP, and for your family. I love my dog with a passion few can understand and I would do anything for him. ANYTHING. Except put a person I loved above him. I would put someone I didn't care about a lot after him, but not someone I loved. It is situations like the one you're in, OP, that tell you the true colors of a person. I hope that things work out for you, but I know this choice will color everyone's opinion of your brother (everyone in your family).

It would not bother me if a friend - even a good friend - of mine put their animal over anything we were planning on doing. It would bother me if my parents or children did. I might even be okay with my sister doing it to ME, but not to our parents.

I think you should stay out of it. I don't see it ending well if you talk to them about it.

ETA - I am so sorry about your dad. I hope he does as well as possible.