MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,592
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on May 28, 2015 20:56:45 GMT
When my DS got married (the first time) the bridal shower was mostly HER side, thrown by her sister. I threw a Jack and Jill shower (but invited her parents) for our side, family and friends, and it was a hit! The guys played the games just as much as the gals did!
Tell her she is welcome to throw one if she wants to, and that you will be there with bells on!
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 28, 2015 21:03:25 GMT
Now I am starting to think that I should see if my man of honour wants to throw a coed shower since a lot of my friends are guys and couldn't come to the all girl shower. Or at least a party, doesn't have to be a shower. That's just greedy to want him to throw that.
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Post by jumperhop on May 28, 2015 21:06:15 GMT
My SIL and I have allready started fighting about her DD's wedding. And her dd is 6. She mentioned when her dd gets married everyone is going to wear this and this. I replied, you mean when DD gets married she will have what she wants. SIL replied if I am paying for it I can have what I want. Bit my tonge from saying yeah that sounds like you.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on May 28, 2015 21:42:54 GMT
I would say "that sounds like fun. if you want to coordinate another one you're welcome to. The girls one is pretty much set in stone. Let us know what you decide." This is what I or your DD should tell her.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 28, 2015 21:46:21 GMT
I don't think its passive aggressive. For all we know it's a new concept to her. (I don't see how- my parents were thrown one in mid 1950s but whatever) Maybe there's more to the story. I don't see her comment negating what's already been planned in any way. Then why not just go up to the bride/groom or whoever and say, "Hey, let's have a co-shower? I'll have someone on my side plan it." Instead of the wishy-washy "Oh, gee, I wish we could do this" post on FB? Sorry, I disagree. Maybe saying "lets have a co-shower " feels like interfering MIL to her, but this seems like a general comment directed to the air. If someone wants to do it, fine, if not, it evaporates. I had one of the most controlling MILs known to man, and I'm not seeing it. She was gone before FB picked up speed, so I don't have experience with how it could have been manipulated by her. Thank goodness I guess we'll agree to disagree on this one.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 28, 2015 21:48:43 GMT
Now I am starting to think that I should see if my man of honour wants to throw a coed shower since a lot of my friends are guys and couldn't come to the all girl shower. Or at least a party, doesn't have to be a shower. That's just greedy to want him to throw that. Best wedding shower I ever attended was thrown by the Man of Honor. He sewed us all hats, since it was his first attendance at a bridal shower. It was hysterical and wonderful.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,343
Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on May 28, 2015 22:13:18 GMT
I think you are wise to stay silent with the groom's mom.
FWIW, things like this happen with every wedding. No matter how nice the people on each side of the family, there will be someone who wants it done differently than the bride and groom do, or than others in charge of the showers have planned.
At my DD's request, I had to run a little interference when a couple of her future in-laws tried to change how things were being done. I kept telling DD that it was HER wedding, and that suggestions were only that: suggestions, not demands. She should do it the way she wanted, not how anyone else (including me) suggested. I managed to keep the "interference" tactful, but poor DD was pretty upset with her future MIL and one Aunt on the groom's side (the aunt was the bigger problem IMO) for a short while prior to the wedding. DD got the wedding festivities how she wanted, despite all of the well-meaning suggestions. There may have been a few disgruntled individuals, but everyone survived. We all get along fine now that it's over, thankfully. I was worried there would be future fallout.
Take a deep breath. You will all get through it, especially since the bride and groom seem to be firm about making the choices based on what THEY want, not what someone else thinks should be done.
It's their special day. It should be done their way (that includes showers and any other festivities).
Good luck!
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Post by Woobster on May 28, 2015 22:32:15 GMT
If I were in your (or your DD's) shoes, I would try to find something having to do with this wedding that you could get her future MIL involved in. Honestly... It sounds to me like she's just feeling a bit left out of the excitement. Granted, I think she's going about it the wrong way, but why not reach out to her? Perhaps just pick up the phone (I hate when stuff like this is handled via text, FB, etc.) and say, "Hey, I saw your post... A co-ed shower sounds awesome! Would you or anyone you know be interested in hosting? I'm sure the kids would love it!"
I tried really hard to have my MIL involved in a few things when I got married. She helped pick a photographer, she went to a dress fitting with me to learn to bustle my dress, and she helped with some decorations. You and your DD are going to be connected to this woman for a very long time. Extend the proverbial olive branch now and maybe it will save a headache or two down the road.
I don't mean this to sound like you've done anything wrong. It's just my $.02.
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Post by myboysnme on May 28, 2015 22:34:43 GMT
I am not that good at pea memory, but I think the OP has been down the path of being irritated with MOG in a previous post. At that time I'm sure I recall posting as a mother of boys I felt the OP was excluding the MOG, so if this is the same wedding, and I think it is but for sure the same OP, this MOG has been excluded all along the way with OP venting here but being irritated with MOG's efforts to comment or contribute. Showers 'TRADITIONALLY" (according to wedding etiquette) are not given by family members, even when they are the matron of honor, but since most people choose to ignore that, it may not occur to someone that a mother of a groom would likely never coordinate a shower/gift grab for her son. Sitting at a shower where most people in attendance are the bride's family and friends, many a mother of the groom has felt like a 'redheaded stepchild'. I get really tired of hearing, "Their day, their way." I look forward to a return to wedding simplicity where most of this wedding planning stuff that people go into debt over or spend money they could use elsewhere goes by the wayside. I think lucyg posted she got married in her parents' living room. I love that. But weddings are big business and many families of the bride think the wedding is a reflection of their ability to provide, so the mothers of the grooms are fighting a losing battle unless they are coming up with a big fat check.
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Post by not2peased on May 28, 2015 22:47:38 GMT
as the mother of boys, I SWEAR I will not be an annoying hag over my son's weddings. You are doing the right thing by letting it go, but I totally understand how hard it must be to bite your tongue-she sounds like a real jerk
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 28, 2015 22:57:42 GMT
I am not that good at pea memory, but I think the OP has been down the path of being irritated with MOG in a previous post. At that time I'm sure I recall posting as a mother of boys I felt the OP was excluding the MOG, so if this is the same wedding, and I think it is but for sure the same OP, this MOG has been excluded all along the way with OP venting here but being irritated with MOG's efforts to comment or contribute. Showers 'TRADITIONALLY" (according to wedding etiquette) are not given by family members, even when they are the matron of honor, but since most people choose to ignore that, it may not occur to someone that a mother of a groom would likely never coordinate a shower/gift grab for her son. Sitting at a shower where most people in attendance are the bride's family and friends, many a mother of the groom has felt like a 'redheaded stepchild'. I get really tired of hearing, "Their day, their way." I look forward to a return to wedding simplicity where most of this wedding planning stuff that people go into debt over or spend money they could use elsewhere goes by the wayside. I think lucyg posted she got married in her parents' living room. I love that. But weddings are big business and many families of the bride think the wedding is a reflection of their ability to provide, so the mothers of the grooms are fighting a losing battle unless they are coming up with a big fat check. I don't think "their day, their way" automatically means that the couple is going into debt. We're doing it our way and we're not going into debt to do it. I don't want a mega wedding or a super expensive one. I think it just means that the wedding has more to do with the couple and who they are rather than the parents and who they are. Everyone that I've talked to who had the mega wedding felt like they got tossed by the wayside because the parents wanted this and that and it was more about them rather than the couple getting married. We're having a relatively small wedding and we've asked for no help from our parents, expecting to pay for ourselves and throw a wedding that suited what we could afford without going into debt. That said, my parents have very generously given us a part of our entire budget and we are covering the rest. They have been nothing but helpful and supportive and offer constructive criticism and help when we ask for it. The parents who are not helping at all (for one they can't afford it and for two they keep telling us that it's not tradition for the groom's family to help financially and they are very traditional apparently) have questioned every major decision we made because we didn't do things the way they wanted. They wanted their cultural hall and their church. I wanted neither because halls are ugly and take a lot of decorating, two I am not marrying in a church and being a hypocrite and three the venue we chose is very pretty, very us and perfect for what we want to do. But even though they aren't contributing, they seem to think we're doing it their way. No. I'd like to have my MOG and DOG and even his sisters involved but when we try to involve them they are too busy or it's not something that they should do because it's not tradition. So I've given up. I will say that they did break tradition and the MOG threw me a lovely shower. I am very grateful and humbled by that generosity. I just wish that they could look past their demands and see that we're not bratty kids, we just want a day that reflects us and who we are... and yes, we are including some of their cultural traditions because that is a part of who we are becoming. So that's my long way of saying that "their day, their way" isn't all about being bratty entitled people going into debt.
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Post by gramasue on May 28, 2015 23:03:46 GMT
When my DS got married (the first time) the bridal shower was mostly HER side, thrown by her sister. I threw a Jack and Jill shower (but invited her parents) for our side, family and friends, and it was a hit! The guys played the games just as much as the gals did! Tell her she is welcome to throw one if she wants to, and that you will be there with bells on! This sounds like a great idea. I think her nose is out of joint, what with all the planning done by your side. If she chooses to go ahead and throw a Jack and Jill, it would probably be a success for everyone. When my step-son remarried, he married a girl who had never been married before. There was a bridal shower for her and there was also a Jack and Jill for both of them. They were both well attended and everyone had lots of fun.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 28, 2015 23:05:21 GMT
Well, the bride isn't hosting the shower so tagging her was classic PA. My response to a MIL is, "Wow, a groom's shower is a great idea - let me know if you need names and addresses from DD's side!"
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Post by mommaho on May 28, 2015 23:40:19 GMT
If I am reading your post correctly, the soon to be MIL was just told last week about the date and location of the bridal shower. After all plans were already made with no attempt to include her in even a small way??? Yikes!! Respectfully, you and your daughter are kind of short changing her a bit and informing her of things "after the fact". If this is the worst thing your daughter has to complain about with the soon to be MIL, she is VVEEERRRYYY lucky. DD told her the date and location of the shower over 2 months ago, maybe she just didn't write it down at that time. We had to plan it for a weekend that DDs other sister can be home from out of state.
I agree with you if this is the worst thing she is lucky, I just hope it doesn't get worse from this point forward.
Thanks for all the support and advice.
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Post by scrappychick on May 28, 2015 23:49:24 GMT
Someone needs to include this woman in some of the planning. It doesn't even have to be something big. Have her help with seating, planning the rehearsal, help with favors, etc. Your dad and groom can sit her down and say, " We really have a specific vision for what our wedding will look like, but here are some things we'd love your input on."
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Post by mommaho on May 29, 2015 0:06:13 GMT
myboysandme you have an excellent memory. The previous vent was about wedding dress shopping. We asked her to go along hoping that including her would make her feel more a part of the day. We have a budget for the wedding and tried to stay as close to that as we can ~ DD was concerned about the price of a dress that was $400 over what we thought we could spend and MOG said "Oh, that's not bad" - well of course not it wasn't her $$$. She selected the photographer because she wanted professional engagement pictures it was the daughter of a friend she knew just starting out. We have tried to include her in many ways but I won't put up with her trying to make DD feel put out because we won't change the type of shower. I also won't respond to her message. DD called me today to ask if I had seen the message and said you know Mom "It is what it is" and I'm not going to respond to her because she wants attention". What a wise child I have!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 9:23:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 0:09:03 GMT
Reading all of this makes me soooooo happy that DH and I decided to go to Vegas to get married. We had everything local booked, but started having a lot of issues shared in this thread. One day I called dh and said, "F" it, let's cancel everything and head to Vegas. He was thrilled, but felt bad for me (because the issues were all my family and friends). He said it was the only wedding I was ever gonna have and didn't want me to regret it. Oh, hell no!!! So, 4 days in Vegas, and then 10 in Aruba. Best decision I've/we've ever made. And, here we are...going on 18 years of marriage. Good luck to all of you!
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Post by gmcwife1 on May 29, 2015 0:12:06 GMT
Sorry (whispers) but I really don't see what she has said that is so offensive. I wish I could of loved your post instead of simply liking it. I agree, how I'm reading the OP is that the MOG hasn't been included and is kind of being shut down and out.
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Post by mommaho on May 29, 2015 0:13:07 GMT
And she has planned the rehearsal dinner and helped DD pick out the outfits for the ring bearers. She wanted to do a grooms cake for her son - which she did. It costs as much as the cake we got for the reception only it will be at the wedding, not at the rehearsal dinner because she said he really likes pie more than cake. HUH? DD did say it will be on a separate table from the wedding cake because it is a Ghost Buster Theme 3 tier cake and will not go with her theme.
It isn't that she is sitting on the sidelines at all - I think she just wants to be more in charge!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 9:23:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 0:16:53 GMT
And she has planned the rehearsal dinner and helped DD pick out the outfits for the ring bearers. She wanted to do a grooms cake for her son - which she did. It costs as much as the cake we got for the reception only it will be at the wedding, not at the rehearsal dinner because she said he really likes pie more than cake. HUH? DD did say it will be on a separate table from the wedding cake because it is a Ghost Buster Theme 3 tier cake and will not go with her theme. It isn't that she is sitting on the sidelines at all - I think she just wants to be more in charge! Okay...that made me lol a little. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, roll your eyes and laugh about it.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on May 29, 2015 0:22:39 GMT
What does the groom feel about all of this? Is "her" theme something he's agreed to?
I'm just always surprised that people are always open to the idea that society changes and therefore people need to accept new ways UNTIL it comes to a wedding and then we continue to see it as "all about the bride" even though it takes two. Statements like "Maybe someone should tell the MOG that her job is "to wear beige and keep her mouth shut" are repulsive and obnoxious.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 9:23:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2015 0:22:57 GMT
Whatever little gift or whatever your dd picked for the guests, maybe they can get one of these for everyone: Ghostbuster Marshmallow Blaster I haven't been to a wedding in ages. Do the bride/groom still have little cakes, or candied almonds, or whatever, they give to the guests? What is the trend these days?
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Post by mommaho on May 29, 2015 0:31:41 GMT
Thanks for the laugh devildog!
DD picked the theme - Groom is just going along with what she wants but has been there for the food and cake tasting to make sure he likes it as well. He said everything else is her choice. No candied almonds or giveaways at this wedding anyway!
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Post by alittleintrepid on May 29, 2015 0:40:29 GMT
Sorry (whispers) but I really don't see what she has said that is so offensive. I wish I could of loved your post instead of simply liking it. . MerryMom .
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on May 29, 2015 0:45:13 GMT
And she has planned the rehearsal dinner and helped DD pick out the outfits for the ring bearers. She wanted to do a grooms cake for her son - which she did. It costs as much as the cake we got for the reception only it will be at the wedding, not at the rehearsal dinner because she said he really likes pie more than cake. HUH? DD did say it will be on a separate table from the wedding cake because it is a Ghost Buster Theme 3 tier cake and will not go with her theme. It isn't that she is sitting on the sidelines at all - I think she just wants to be more in charge! When I got married 20+ years ago the grooms cake was at the at the wedding and at the same table as the wedding cake. It's been like that at every wedding I've ever been at as well. You clearly don't like this woman and if you think your daughter won't catch on to that and feed off of it you are mistaken. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is accepting this woman and her weirdness, it will help your daughter to do the same. Don't you expect you soon to be SIL to accept you and your weirdness? my MIL and I get along great but that doesn't mean we haven't had misunderstandings and hurt feelings. My mom ALWAYS took my MILs side. That was such a gift!
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on May 29, 2015 0:50:17 GMT
I really want to see the Ghost Buster cake!
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on May 29, 2015 0:52:25 GMT
Are you the same pea that had the "dress shopping lunch" debacle. Where you intended on buying lunch for every single dress shopping guest (grandma, daughters, bridesmaids,etc) EXCEPT the future MIL and iirc was bitter because you got stuck paying her bill somehow?
Honestly, I don't think you've been very generous in spirit or otherwise with her. I just hope the power struggle between the two of you doesn't wreck this young couple's relationship because it does happen.
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Post by chaosisapony on May 29, 2015 0:56:54 GMT
I don't see the Facebook post as that big of a deal. I think co-ed showers are fun and the are becoming more common. Simply respond with "Hey that sounds fun. Maybe you could plan one for our soon to be newlyweds!" This way you are accepting the idea, putting the ball in her court, and it's obvious her traditional bridal shower is not being canceled.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on May 29, 2015 1:00:58 GMT
I don't see the Facebook post as that big of a deal. I think co-ed showers are fun and the are becoming more common. Simply respond with "Hey that sounds fun. Maybe you could plan one for our soon to be newlyweds!" This way you are accepting the idea, putting the ball in her court, and it's obvious her traditional bridal shower is not being canceled. I not even sure I am convinced she wasn't offering. I didn't really see anything that indicated she was planning on hijacking the already planned shower. She may have been feeling out dd for her thoughts on it. Frankly OP, I'd let dd navigate her relationship with mil without translating her intentions for your dd.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 29, 2015 1:09:13 GMT
I don't see the Facebook post as that big of a deal. I think co-ed showers are fun and the are becoming more common. Simply respond with "Hey that sounds fun. Maybe you could plan one for our soon to be newlyweds!" This way you are accepting the idea, putting the ball in her court, and it's obvious her traditional bridal shower is not being canceled. And giving her permission- in case that's what she's needing, and not being the jerk you've decided she is!
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