How to respond . . .or not - Just a Vent

this. Let her plan a second shower if she wants. More gifts

No, you don't have to be friends or like your DD's MIL but for the sake of family harmony try to stay neutral. By what you posted and previously posted, she may have been out of line, but you are not without fault either. The way you wrote the OP it's like you are keeping a list of what she has said or done to annoy you. 

I haven't seen those gross little almonds since my brother's wedding 25 years ago. I know they still exist but I they are like fruitcake. Anything goes these days. I'm making jam... my friend is making Hallowe'en candy bags (since she's having a Hallowe'en wedding). An acquaintance did wine. Another friend did jumbo sugar cookies a few years ago.

Yes, really. It helped me to see my MILs side of things. I'm very glad my mom has never talked negatively about her. Certainly not a betrayal to help me remember the positive. Betrayal is sinister. This was not.

As the mother of only a son, I've always thought when he and his long time girlfriend got married, I'd just kind of hang back and if they wanted to include me in something, great. If not, that's fine too. Just tell me when and where to show up and I'll be there with bells on.
Wedding drama always makes me sad for the couple. I'm hoping one of the gifts I can give them is not to create or participate in any.
As far as the in-laws having to get along because they'll always be in each other's life is not necessarily true. DH and I have been married almost 21 years, and the last time our parents saw each other was at our wedding. We've just always done our thing with each side of the family individually and it's worked well. Our folks are fine with each other, that's just how it's worked out over the years.

Completely agree. But if your dd does want to reply, I think what freebird said would be perfect.

But there is still a connection and if your parents were constantly speaking negatively about his parents and vice versa then it would be bound to cause friction eventually, for the two of you, I would imagine.

Has your son graduated from HS yet? Did both sets of grandparents not attend graduation? We're there not school plays, programs, band concerts, ball games etc through the years they saw each other? Are you not local to both sets because I imagine in the situation where both sets are local and grandkids are involved zero contact in 21 years is rare.

Okay that makes a little more sense and brings my hackles down. My mom has been very blunt about some of the shenanigans that my FH's parents have pulled. And I appreciate that. She sees the rock and the hard place I am in for certain things. Never once has she said to me "your MIL is right and you're wrong". That would have resulted in a hangup from me. She has asked me "why does it bother you" and after explaining, she has both said "well, okay. have you thought about it from this angle?" or "I think you're totally right. Stick to your guns". Depending on the situation. But there are issues so it's not really the typical situation.

Hahaha. Yeah. I did see them when I was at a bridal store a couple weeks ago finally buying a cake topper (tell me, why are most cake toppers so freaking ugly) and they looked really gross. I remember helping my SIL put four almonds in those tiny organza bags. I tried one and gagged. So nasty. Now if they were chocolate almonds? Much better choice.

Yes my son has graduated and over the years that would pretty much be the only time they would have probably seen each other except DH parents were on an Alaskan motor home tour when DS graduated. DS was never involved in any extracurricular stuff in school so there was never a need or opportunity. He was a nerdy little bookworm who wasn't interested in sports, band, theater or anything of the like so we never attended any such events ourselves. We never threw him any kind of big birthday party, it was usually dinner and a cake at each set of parents house on different days. I understand it's rare, I was just saying that what others consider the "norm" may not be always be the case.

No one has ever dissed the other, in fact each set usually asked how the other was doing. As I said earlier, it's just how it worked out for our family and I know a few other people who have had the same experience as we have.

Dh has two sets of parents, I have one. We refused when the kids were younger to do three of bday parties. So we always had all three sets of grandparents over at once. Once they hit school age and had friends we only did friends parties. 

For sporting and schooling events, all three sets attend and sit together and chat. They don't go to all the sporting events but each try to make a couple each season/per child and those do tend to overlap at times.

Back when we still hosted holidays we hosted for all three sides at once. 

Here is an interesting tidbit. When my MIL left her abusive previous marriage and went underground for a few years, dh and I were pulling $$ from an account to send her but because of the large amt the process would take 5-7 days and we wanted her to have the $$ immediately so my Dad, who had the money readily wrote a check for us to send her and my sil's (dh's sis) own MIL paid for the divorce. That arrangement was made during a family vacation with MIL, SILs family, her in laws, and my immediate family at my parent's vacation home. 

So I concede, maybe we operate a bit different than the normal but I did think that other in-laws had a bit more interaction than I am reading here. Interesting.

Sounds like you have a very good arrangement! Our families do very separate holidays. My extended family through my mom does Christmas Eve, so we all get together then. Then Christmas Day is for the other side of the family (or in my immediate family just for us, or more recently travelling). It works out great because there is no conflict. But I really can't recall any kind of family events where both sides were invited, other than weddings, baby parties or graduation type events. So I wonder what the norm is. Maybe we should start a poll?

And it is called a couples shower - if Bride and Groom want one then the Groom's side of family can through one. Good job letting the B & G handle it.

I just don't know anyone (family or friends) where the inlaws have friendships or where the two families are regularly entertained. I am straining my brain to think of all my friends and family and there isn't one. I am sure it happens, it's just not a norm I know of. To me, in laws are generally separate rather than coming together.