Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:24:21 GMT
Yubon's thread about family members hit a note with me today as I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation. As I've posted about before, DS is gay and luckily has a LOT of supporters, both family and friends. My parents are in their 80s and are great supporters- always asking about boyfriends, etc.
Today was Pride and I was proud to march in support of gay rights and equality. We had a record turnout in Seattle and just an overall great time. Unfortunately, my extended family is really conservative and it's been a struggle at family gatherings because we know their views on gay marriage/rights etc. It leaves my son feeling really hurt and not accepted.
Today my cousin's husband posted a red, white and blue pic of a man and woman saying that he's sorry if he offends anyone but he only believes in traditional marriage. He's friends with my son (and DH and I) on FB and knew that my son would see this. I actually don't care how my cousin't husband feels but I'm just disappointed that he chose to post this knowing it would hurt my son. He has a right to his beliefs as we all do but I just felt he could have been a bit more sensitive in posting.
DS and DH responded to his post with comments that basically said that as a straight, married male, his "rights" weren't changed in any way but that this ruling has a huge positive impact for people like my son. They also said they were disappointed that he felt he had to post this. I'm staying out of it but I'm still hurt and I know that this will impact family gatherings.
Just disappointed today in what should have been a really positive day. Not sure how I will handle this going forward with them.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
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Post by mom on Jun 29, 2015 1:26:04 GMT
I would just ignore it. People say/do stupid shit everyday and calling them out on it won't change that.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jun 29, 2015 1:39:42 GMT
Block, ignore, unfriend. It is not worth your time. My husband's family is very bigoted. In person, I have asked them not to share their opinions with me and that in exchange I would keep my opinions to myself. Over the years it has worked out pretty well. If they quote Rush Limbaugh they know that I will argue the other side with every time and they certainly don't want to hear the original meaning of tea bagger. We talk a lot about fishing.
ETA: I'm steeped in Pride, I started going the Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village as a young teen in the '80s. I've been waiting for Obergefell v. Hodges for a long, long time.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 29, 2015 1:43:56 GMT
I ignore the crap. I'd unfriend him if I were your ds.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:45:12 GMT
You are both right that I should ignore and I'm definitely not engaging. My "mom heart" just hurts and it's hard when family members say things that hurt your kids
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:45:27 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this:
Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion?
I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:47:27 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this: Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion? I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that. The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:47:40 GMT
I'd wonder why my son is friends with my cousin's husband in the first place. It isn't like THEY are cousins. I'm not friends with my mom's cousins spouses (I'm not even sure I know my mom's cousin's spouses!) There comes a point the extended family is too far removed.. and time to remove them further!
If for some reason you son feels he is obligated to keep this cousin's spouse as a friend on facebook then just go to his home page and uncheck the "following" box. That way is stuff doesn't show up on son's newsfeed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:50:01 GMT
I'd wonder why my son is friends with my cousin's husband in the first place. It isn't like THEY are cousins. I'm not friends with my mom's cousins spouses (I'm not even sure I know my mom's cousin's spouses!) There comes a point the extended family is too far removed.. and time to remove them further! If for some reason you son feels he is obligated to keep this cousin's spouse as a friend on facebook then just go to his home page and uncheck the "following" box. That way is stuff doesn't show up on son's newsfeed. My extended family is very close geographically and we have all grown up together, kids included. Cousins are more like siblings- even 3rd cousins. We spent all holidays together so it makes it really awkward. We've been pulling away over the last few years because of things like this. Just disappointing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 1:52:18 GMT
The world needs more kindness. Everywhere.
I just needed to say it.
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Post by Outspoken on Jun 29, 2015 1:53:56 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this: Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion? I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that. The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. I'm totally with Murphy here. And, I'm curious to know, did you or no one in your family post ANYTHING about the SC ruling showing your excitement? Because, if you did, then it may have hurt someone who believes differently than you.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 29, 2015 2:15:44 GMT
The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. I'm totally with Murphy here. And, I'm curious to know, did you or no one in your family post ANYTHING about the SC ruling showing your excitement? Because, if you did, then it may have hurt someone who believes differently than you. I don't think posting support of the ruling would hurt someone's feelings. I could see if someone posted that Christians were bigots or that those who disagreed with the ruling are evul, that could hurt.
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Post by denda on Jun 29, 2015 2:21:14 GMT
Homosexuality goes against my beliefs but I have not posted anything on Facebook about it because I have friends on FB that are gay. I don't want to hurt them. Just because you don't agree with someone's actions doesn't mean you don't still love them.
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Post by buckeyegirl on Jun 29, 2015 2:23:33 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this: Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion? I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that. The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. So, you're allowed to post your opinions, but he can't...got it. Just because he doesn't support gay marriage doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, your son or your feelings. I don't understand why his opinion hurts anyone. I don't see why this will make family gatherings awkward.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Jun 29, 2015 2:31:17 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this: Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion? I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that. Well said.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 2:34:55 GMT
The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. So, you're allowed to post your opinions, but he can't...got it. Just because he doesn't support gay marriage doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, your son or your feelings. I don't understand why his opinion hurts anyone. I don't see why this will make family gatherings awkward. I think a better analogy for the situation would be this: His family is heavily involved in Law Enforcement. If I posted that I believed that LE were racist or evil, that would have the potential to hurt him so regardless of what I believed (this is PURELY hypothetical btw), I wouldn't post it. So knowing that an opinion that I shared on FB would potentially hurt someone, I would be extra sensitive not to post my opinion. Have I probably unknowingly hurt someone with a post - probably. But I guess i'm extra sensitive to try and not post things I know have the power to hurt. He absolutely has a right to his feelings- I just wish he would have been a bit more sensitive Oh well, it's not something that I will make a big deal out of - it just hurt my son and my Mama Bear is coming out a bit
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 2:35:33 GMT
Homosexuality goes against my beliefs but I have not posted anything on Facebook about it because I have friends on FB that are gay. I don't want to hurt them. Just because you don't agree with someone's actions doesn't mean you don't still love them. I really appreciate this and even though I don't agree with you, I appreciate your sensitivity on the subject.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jun 29, 2015 2:43:45 GMT
I'd unfriend him.. He has the right to his beliefs but I wouldn't subject myself or DS to it.
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Post by Miss Ang on Jun 29, 2015 3:07:41 GMT
I'd unfriend him.. He has the right to his beliefs but I wouldn't subject myself or DS to it. But shouldn't tolerance go both ways? People believe what they believe because they believe it to be right and true. If a person disagrees with your (general you) personal opinion and publicly shares their point of view, without vile words or hatred, why is it any different than you publicly sharing your happy opinion? You (general you) know that the two of you have different views. I don't understand why it's ok to post on FB saying "I am so happy about this!" yet someone else saying "I'm disappointed about this." is not ok. Now, if he would have said something derogatory, or used foul language or resorted to name calling, THAT deserves an unfriend/block and it most certainly would cause a divide in a family. But simply having a differing point of view does not negate that, IMO. EVERYONE has to start and continue showing love, from both sides of the fence. It has to start somewhere. This seems like a good a time as any. Having a different opinion does NOT have to cause a divide.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 3:23:10 GMT
I'd unfriend him.. He has the right to his beliefs but I wouldn't subject myself or DS to it. But shouldn't tolerance go both ways? People believe what they believe because they believe it to be right and true. If a person disagrees with your (genral you) personal opinion and publicly shares their point of view, without vile words or hatred, why is any different than you publicly sharing your happy opinion? You (general you) know that the two of you have different views. I don't understand why it's ok to post on FB saying "I am so happy about this!" and someone else saying "I'm disappointed about this." Now, if he would have said something derogatory, or used foul language or resorted to name calling, THAT deserves an unfriend/block and it most certainly would cause a divide in a family. But simply having a differing point of view does not negate that, IMO. EVERYONE has to start and continue showing love, from both sides of the fence. It has to start somewhere. This seems like a good a time as any. Having a different opinion does NOT have to cause a divide. I don't know that it will cause a divide in the long term and as I've stated, he has a right to his opinion. Facebook is a tricky medium with family dynamics. I think the bottom line for me is that my DS was hurt by what was said and to me that causes me sadness. It's not so much about his rights to post his feelings or my right to post mine- we all have that. I was just disappointed and sad for my DS.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 29, 2015 3:36:35 GMT
Yubon's thread about family members hit a note with me today as I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation. As I've posted about before, DS is gay and luckily has a LOT of supporters, both family and friends. My parents are in their 80s and are great supporters- always asking about boyfriends, etc. Today was Pride and I was proud to march in support of gay rights and equality. We had a record turnout in Seattle and just an overall great time. Unfortunately, my extended family is really conservative and it's been a struggle at family gatherings because we know their views on gay marriage/rights etc. It leaves my son feeling really hurt and not accepted. Today my cousin's husband posted a red, white and blue pic of a man and woman saying that he's sorry if he offends anyone but he only believes in traditional marriage. He's friends with my son (and DH and I) on FB and knew that my son would see this. I actually don't care how my cousin't husband feels but I'm just disappointed that he chose to post this knowing it would hurt my son. He has a right to his beliefs as we all do but I just felt he could have been a bit more sensitive in posting. DS and DH responded to his post with comments that basically said that as a straight, married male, his "rights" weren't changed in any way but that this ruling has a huge positive impact for people like my son. They also said they were disappointed that he felt he had to post this. I'm staying out of it but I'm still hurt and I know that this will impact family gatherings. Just disappointed today in what should have been a really positive day. Not sure how I will handle this going forward with them. Any thoughts or suggestions? It might help to remember how many of us had that same philosophy just a few short years ago. Thank him for his opinion, add that personally you are so happy your son isn't in danger of being arrested for being with someone he loves, and pass him the mashed potatoes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 3:37:18 GMT
So, you're allowed to post your opinions, but he can't...got it. Just because he doesn't support gay marriage doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, your son or your feelings. I don't understand why his opinion hurts anyone. I don't see why this will make family gatherings awkward. I think a better analogy for the situation would be this: His family is heavily involved in Law Enforcement. If I posted that I believed that LE were racist or evil, that would have the potential to hurt him so regardless of what I believed (this is PURELY hypothetical btw), I wouldn't post it. So knowing that an opinion that I shared on FB would potentially hurt someone, I would be extra sensitive not to post my opinion. Have I probably unknowingly hurt someone with a post - probably. But I guess i'm extra sensitive to try and not post things I know have the power to hurt. He absolutely has a right to his feelings- I just wish he would have been a bit more sensitive Oh well, it's not something that I will make a big deal out of - it just hurt my son and my Mama Bear is coming out a bit But that doesn't equate with what your cousin's husband said. He stated his belief in traditional marriage - not that your son was evil. He has to be allowed to show support of his beliefs just as those of us who support equality for all, expect to be allowed to do so. We all have to realize that because someone else has difference of opinion, it isn't a slight against us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 3:38:27 GMT
Yubon's thread about family members hit a note with me today as I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation. As I've posted about before, DS is gay and luckily has a LOT of supporters, both family and friends. My parents are in their 80s and are great supporters- always asking about boyfriends, etc. Today was Pride and I was proud to march in support of gay rights and equality. We had a record turnout in Seattle and just an overall great time. Unfortunately, my extended family is really conservative and it's been a struggle at family gatherings because we know their views on gay marriage/rights etc. It leaves my son feeling really hurt and not accepted. Today my cousin's husband posted a red, white and blue pic of a man and woman saying that he's sorry if he offends anyone but he only believes in traditional marriage. He's friends with my son (and DH and I) on FB and knew that my son would see this. I actually don't care how my cousin't husband feels but I'm just disappointed that he chose to post this knowing it would hurt my son. He has a right to his beliefs as we all do but I just felt he could have been a bit more sensitive in posting. DS and DH responded to his post with comments that basically said that as a straight, married male, his "rights" weren't changed in any way but that this ruling has a huge positive impact for people like my son. They also said they were disappointed that he felt he had to post this. I'm staying out of it but I'm still hurt and I know that this will impact family gatherings. Just disappointed today in what should have been a really positive day. Not sure how I will handle this going forward with them. Any thoughts or suggestions? It might help to remember how many of us had that same philosophy just a few short years ago. Thank him for his opinion, add that personally you are so happy your son isn't in danger of being arrested for being with someone he loves, and pass him the mashed potatoes. Great advice and so true! My parents held the same sort of beliefs before my son came out and they changed their opinions. Maybe he will and maybe he won't but I like your style!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 29, 2015 3:40:17 GMT
As the mother of a gay daughter, one about to marry her partner next year...see my past posts about how we went shopping for a dress just a week ago. With that in mind, I ask you this: Why is okay for you, your son and others to post about their support of the SC ruling because that's what you believe? Yet, others who believe differently, aren't allowed the same? Did he post anything derogatory? Specifically hateful and mean? Or just his opinion? I have a real problem with the idea that one's opinion is no longer valid if it's not the same opinion of the majority. I have a big problem with that. The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. Then don't post anything in support of gay pride. Seriously though, I think you may be overreacting and taking this post too personally.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2015 3:46:25 GMT
The difference is that if I knew I was posting something that would hurt him personally or one of his children, regardless of what I believe, I wouldn't do it. He absolutely has a right to what he believes. I just feel that posting an opinion that you know will hurt someone isn't acceptable. In any circumstance. Then don't post anything in support of gay pride. Seriously though, I think you may be overreacting and taking this post too personally. Facebook is a slippery slope and it's easy to let things get under your skin. it probably wouldn't have been on my radar as much if it hadn't bothered DS. Oh well - not a hill any of us are going to die on in the end. Just feeling sensitive about it tonight!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 29, 2015 3:46:46 GMT
I'm totally with Murphy here. And, I'm curious to know, did you or no one in your family post ANYTHING about the SC ruling showing your excitement? Because, if you did, then it may have hurt someone who believes differently than you. I don't think posting support of the ruling would hurt someone's feelings. I could see if someone posted that Christians were bigots or that those who disagreed with the ruling are evul, that could hurt. Oh, I know a lot of people who would feel hurt by it. Not everyone changes with the times. And I see nothing wrong with being friends with my mother's cousins' spouses. They were really nice people.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 29, 2015 3:51:32 GMT
I'll validate you, OP. It is a crappy thing to do/say when you know you're going to hurt or offend someone. He knows he will or he wouldn't have qualified the post with "I hope I don't offend anyone with this..." He's well within his rights to believe the way he does and to voice it, but he can't be upset or surprised if someone speaks up and tells him he's being hurtful to someone in his own family.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 29, 2015 5:25:48 GMT
I'll validate you, OP. It is a crappy thing to do/say when you know you're going to hurt or offend someone. He knows he will or he wouldn't have qualified the post with "I hope I don't offend anyone with this..." He's well within his rights to believe the way he does and to voice it, but he can't be upset or surprised if someone speaks up and tells him he's being hurtful to someone in his own family. There are times when it is best to keep your gob shut, and this was one of them.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 29, 2015 5:28:35 GMT
He's entitled to his opinion just as you and you DS are entitled to yours! It's Facebook land of hurt feelings and all sorts of rubbish!
Your are upset that he is posting his beliefs, but what about how he feels about you posting in support of gays, when he clearly does not
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Post by lindywholoveskids on Jun 29, 2015 7:50:08 GMT
People are needing time to get used to the idea of marriage equality. sounds like your DS has lots of support, including you.
it really isn't personal. it's just the new law of the land.
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