pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 1, 2015 14:15:43 GMT
I keep telling my kids that I will pay them $10K if they skip the reception entirely. The price will probably go up by the time all my kids are married. LOL! When I was younger my dad always said "I will send you anywhere you want on your honeymoon if you elope". That deal changed however once they paid for college (totally fair trade, lol). I'm pretty sure if our parents had offered money, we still would've just socked it away and had a small ceremony.
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pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jul 1, 2015 14:21:28 GMT
I'm so sorry that anything has marred your happiness about your wedding day. I think what you might perceive as resentment has come about in the past couple of decades, as weddings have transformed from a celebration for family and friends to start a young couple off on their life together, to (often but not always) an over the top extravaganza of entitlement and self-centered behavior. (I want to reinforce that I'm sure this is not the case for your wedding, grinningcat - just responding generally about the trends I see.) It used to be that people had bridal showers and received wedding gifts to help them set up a household, because it was presumed the young couple starting out would not be able to afford everything they needed. Now, even though many people don't get married until they are older and more established in their careers, there is still an expectation of gifts, and god help the guest if the gift isn't expensive enough to cover the cost of the reception meal. Which brings up the cost of the reception. It used to be that middle class people had weddings in line with their income - now, even people who are of modest means are throwing all-out, no-expense-spared extravaganzas. They're expecting more from their guests in terms of travel cost, clothing, showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, child care (as more demand adults-only weddings) and gifts. And when they don't need household items because their houses are already established, they want guests to fork over cash to cover the cost of the high-end wedding or an extravagant honeymoon. Most people are happy to do what they can help out a young couple in need; it gets more difficult for people of moderate income to be happy about being shaken down to meet a family member turned bridezilla's (or groomzilla's) outrageous expectations. And unfortunately, I think people who have had that experience a few times just get less excited about weddings in general. For myself, I wish couples would put as much thought into their marriage and future as they do into the one day of their weddings. I feel like a couple that is spending much more than they or their parents can reasonably afford hasn't thought much past the wedding day at all, and a couple that spends more than they can afford and then expects the guests to finance that for them is disrespectful to boot. The thing is, no one I know is doing the crazy extravaganzas that are documented as the "only" way to do weddings according to the wedding industry. Everyone I know that has married is not following that expectation and that everyone I know is putting the thought you want into their marriages instead of the wedding. I know to us, the wedding is just the milestone, it will be fun, but it's all the days after that will matter most. The only thing I expect from my guests is to have a good time. Are some travelling? Absolutely. But I in no way expect them to travel. And if they do travel, I do not expect a gift. Actually, I don't expect gifts from anyone. Yes, we have a registry even though we've both lived on our own for years (because of that many things are wearing out) but we did it more to have fun running through the stores (like kids in a candy shop we were) and because we can purchase those things with a discount afterward. Every gift will be appreciate and properly acknowledged, but just coming to celebrate with us is gift enough. I really hope that our wedding isn't viewed as self-centered behaviour. I hope that the work I am doing to make into a fun and inclusive event (things like having a mocktail menu for those who don't drink instead of them only having boring pop and water, and offering alternate activities to dancing if that's not their thing) that everyone can come, enjoy and celebrate with us. That's what the week is really about, bringing together our family and friends to celebrate with us. I say week because we've planned other activities for our guests beyond the wedding, but really. Just getting to hang out and visit and be with those we love and care for is what's important to us. We've asked for nothing from our parents and we received two very different responses. One was to follow the "traditional" line of the groom's family does nothing and they are just along for the ride (but then insisted we do things their way, figure that one out). The other was to ask questions to make sure we were on a good track (i.e.: not being idiots about spending) and then offering to pay for the venue while leaving the rest to us. Guess which family has been more supportive and more involved? Guess which family has made me realize that unless you do it their way, they aren't interested in doing anything except deflating things? So yeah, I'm bitter that people can't get over themselves and be more supportive. I'm not saying that parents should pay for weddings in their entirety or even be forced to give anything. But what I read here is that some parents are basically of the mind that if their kids dare to get married they want nothing to do with it other than the title of mother or father of the bride or groom and that they think it's silly and frivolous to spend the money on "just one day". I cannot tell how stabby that statement makes me. Yes, it's just one day but what the hell is wrong with having just that one day? Why is spending money (within means) such a horrible thing? It just pisses me off so much that couples getting married who are reasonable and smart with their planning are lumped into the same group as the minority who go all crazy and ridiculous. I can easily see how a wedding could cost 40K. Easily. We're not spending that much, and to do so we've made some strict plans like limiting the guest list so that we could have a nice venue and a nice caterer. But I can totally see how we could have spent 40K on the wedding. Especially in the Toronto area. Venues are not cheap. But sometimes the backyard, the simple, the whatever can cost less in cash but cost a lot more in labour and time. At times, I'm not sure which is worse to spend 40K or endless hours of work to save a buck. I'm just tired of hearing the message that weddings are a burden instead of a celebration. I think you are doing a lot of projecting. Just because parents aren't planning to fund a wedding, doesn't mean they don't care or won't help their children in whatever way they want/need. When you see statistics about the amount of consumer debt, housing prices, cost of education, rising medical costs, and the burden of retirement savings - I don't think it's unreasonable that people are choosing to spend their money differently. Seriously, everybody have the wedding they want! It's not really a big deal!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:18:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 14:23:00 GMT
I think there have always been bitchy brides and over the top weddings. Much like other issues, we are just more aware of it now, primarily because of the Internet.
I don't know anyone IRL who has the negative pea attitude about weddings.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 1, 2015 14:26:34 GMT
I think there have always been bitchy brides and over the top weddings. Much like other issues, we are just more aware of it now, primarily because of the Internet. I don't know anyone IRL who has the negative pea attitude about weddings. Exactly. Just like people like to think crime is on the rise, it's not. But because we have more access to the information, we think there's more. When in fact, there isn't.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 1, 2015 14:31:27 GMT
The thing is, no one I know is doing the crazy extravaganzas that are documented as the "only" way to do weddings according to the wedding industry. Everyone I know that has married is not following that expectation and that everyone I know is putting the thought you want into their marriages instead of the wedding. I know to us, the wedding is just the milestone, it will be fun, but it's all the days after that will matter most. The only thing I expect from my guests is to have a good time. Are some travelling? Absolutely. But I in no way expect them to travel. And if they do travel, I do not expect a gift. Actually, I don't expect gifts from anyone. Yes, we have a registry even though we've both lived on our own for years (because of that many things are wearing out) but we did it more to have fun running through the stores (like kids in a candy shop we were) and because we can purchase those things with a discount afterward. Every gift will be appreciate and properly acknowledged, but just coming to celebrate with us is gift enough. I really hope that our wedding isn't viewed as self-centered behaviour. I hope that the work I am doing to make into a fun and inclusive event (things like having a mocktail menu for those who don't drink instead of them only having boring pop and water, and offering alternate activities to dancing if that's not their thing) that everyone can come, enjoy and celebrate with us. That's what the week is really about, bringing together our family and friends to celebrate with us. I say week because we've planned other activities for our guests beyond the wedding, but really. Just getting to hang out and visit and be with those we love and care for is what's important to us. We've asked for nothing from our parents and we received two very different responses. One was to follow the "traditional" line of the groom's family does nothing and they are just along for the ride (but then insisted we do things their way, figure that one out). The other was to ask questions to make sure we were on a good track (i.e.: not being idiots about spending) and then offering to pay for the venue while leaving the rest to us. Guess which family has been more supportive and more involved? Guess which family has made me realize that unless you do it their way, they aren't interested in doing anything except deflating things? So yeah, I'm bitter that people can't get over themselves and be more supportive. I'm not saying that parents should pay for weddings in their entirety or even be forced to give anything. But what I read here is that some parents are basically of the mind that if their kids dare to get married they want nothing to do with it other than the title of mother or father of the bride or groom and that they think it's silly and frivolous to spend the money on "just one day". I cannot tell how stabby that statement makes me. Yes, it's just one day but what the hell is wrong with having just that one day? Why is spending money (within means) such a horrible thing? It just pisses me off so much that couples getting married who are reasonable and smart with their planning are lumped into the same group as the minority who go all crazy and ridiculous. I can easily see how a wedding could cost 40K. Easily. We're not spending that much, and to do so we've made some strict plans like limiting the guest list so that we could have a nice venue and a nice caterer. But I can totally see how we could have spent 40K on the wedding. Especially in the Toronto area. Venues are not cheap. But sometimes the backyard, the simple, the whatever can cost less in cash but cost a lot more in labour and time. At times, I'm not sure which is worse to spend 40K or endless hours of work to save a buck. I'm just tired of hearing the message that weddings are a burden instead of a celebration. I think you are doing a lot of projecting. Just because parents aren't planning to fund a wedding, doesn't mean they don't care or won't help their children in whatever way they want/need. When you see statistics about the amount of consumer debt, housing prices, cost of education, rising medical costs, and the burden of retirement savings - I don't think it's unreasonable that people are choosing to spend their money differently. Seriously, everybody have the wedding they want! It's not really a big deal! Yeah I get that everyone needs to have the wedding they want. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of that. We had about 6 different scenarios for the wedding, everything from going to city hall and then on a big vacation to a backyard wedding to the wedding we're having now. Every wedding in my family is different, which is different. But it's been interesting to see the similarities that every family has the people who actually show that they care and those who frankly just don't give a flying fuck but still expect the glory and honours. And maybe I am projecting. I've just become very disillusioned about wedding planning and the people that I thought would love and support and want to be involved in the process. It's really made me realize which people I need to focus my attention on and which people are just there for the ride and don't really deserve additional attention. If anything, that's what I've learned through this process. And in some ways I'm glad but in other ways I'm sad because I wanted more. I didn't want kumbayas and all that jazz, but at least some interest in this once in a lifetime event. But because some people can't leave the past in the past, they are going to miss out on the future because they will only get token attention instead of real attention. And that's their loss.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 1, 2015 14:53:41 GMT
It really depends on where we are in life when our girls get married. We'd like to be able to give them a set amount for a regular wedding, but it will depend on our financial situation at the time. (We already let them know that if we have money to give it would be for a regular wedding with a ceremony and reception of some kind to which family is invited. We would not give money if they were eloping or having a destination wedding with just the two of them.)
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Post by Dixie Lou on Jul 1, 2015 16:29:57 GMT
I had no idea how much my wedding (30 years ago) cost until I called my dad. He said around $25,000. Yikes! I will say that I was living out of state and my mother planned the entire thing. The only thing I chose was my wedding dress ($500) and the bridesmaids dresses (they paid for their own.) Wish my mom was around so I could ask her. I have a feeling that my dad's guess is quite high! Whatever it did cost, I told him thank you and it was appreciated very much.
We have three daughters of our own. We were planning to pay for the majority of DD1's wedding until her fiance mouthed off to me and said some really rude things. We have already paid $1,200 for the dress, $500 for two bridesmaid dresses (for our other daughters,) $1550 for a down payment on the venue and $500 on hair extensions. That's all we're paying. I told her it was her gift. I just hate that she is planning this wedding on her own now but I am so hurt that I can't emotionally support her marriage. They changed the date from August to sometime in March because of the cost and stress in trying to get everything done in five months. My heart hurts. We were going to pay for everything that the venue included which was the catering (dinner), cake, photography, groom's cake, decorations...it would have been around $12,000.
Our DD2 and DD3 aren't engaged yet but have serious boyfriends. I'm pretty sure DD2 will marry hers after grad school. DD3 isn't as sure but he's a possibility. I am hoping to keep their wedding costs down a lot more than what we were willing to spend on DD1 at first. You can have a really nice wedding without spending a fortune. Thank goodness we have a while before either of those weddings happen.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:18:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 16:45:07 GMT
We'll help our 4 kids with college (w'eve been saving since they were very young) and a simple wedding. But a grand affair, costing tens of thousands of dollars, will be on them.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 1, 2015 16:48:29 GMT
I think my opinion is probably the minority, but......
I'm not paying for what amounts to a party.
My family didn't pay for my marriage and neither did my (ex)husband's family pay for it.
We did what we could afford.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:18:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2015 16:59:55 GMT
The thing is -- it's a once in a lifetime event for two people -- the bride and the groom. For everyone else, it's a celebration, but not the only one they have been too or will be going to. I think expectations that it be a once in a lifetime event for all or even many is unrealistic. It's very easy to get into an egocentric perspective as a bride -- I would say that many or even most do. And generally if you asked most would probably say they weren't. But outside looking in, that's another story. Part of it is that the bride has very specific ideas on what they want, where they want it, etc. And I do agree that TV/social media has racketed up expectations for many. I do hope that my DDs chose to have small intimate weddings where they allow others to pitch in and help make a successful event rather than viewing that as interloping or trying to change what the bride wants to do. I think there are times when the bride and groom don't look at the situation from other perspectives. It can be expensive for others to celebrate at the level the bride and groom have chosen. Whether that is travel expenses, gift expenses, clothing, etc. And honestly many of these "once in a lifetime" events become a 2nd/3rd event. Or like someone else said, so many seem to end quickly in divorce. It's hard to celebrate when for example my FIL gets married for the 3rd time with a whole formal wedding shebang in Las Vegas. I understand it was her first wedding, but it's hard to celebrate that "once in a lifetime" knowing that there is a large possibility that it won't work out. It does feel many times that more thought goes into wedding planning than into the marriage itself.
Grinningcat - I hope in the end your wedding turns out to be everything you want it to be but more than that I hope that you have a successful marriage.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 1, 2015 17:04:53 GMT
I doubt we will give money to our kids for a wedding. I pretty much paid for both my weddings and I don't expect that my kids will come to me looking for money. I may contribute a photographer as the pictures are the most important thing to me.
What I really hope to do is help my kids finance their first house. That's what my dad did for us. And he even surprised us when we just bought our recent house with a check for $5000 to put toward whatever we needed with the house. I think owning a home is much more important than a wedding and I hope I can help my kids buy their first home.
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Post by songbird on Jul 1, 2015 17:05:03 GMT
My dad offered to pay for our entire wedding; however, we are just going to the courthouse. I would rather him keep that money for retirement.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 1, 2015 17:24:38 GMT
I think you are doing a lot of projecting. Just because parents aren't planning to fund a wedding, doesn't mean they don't care or won't help their children in whatever way they want/need. When you see statistics about the amount of consumer debt, housing prices, cost of education, rising medical costs, and the burden of retirement savings - I don't think it's unreasonable that people are choosing to spend their money differently. Seriously, everybody have the wedding they want! It's not really a big deal! Yeah I get that everyone needs to have the wedding they want. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of that. We had about 6 different scenarios for the wedding, everything from going to city hall and then on a big vacation to a backyard wedding to the wedding we're having now. Every wedding in my family is different, which is different. But it's been interesting to see the similarities that every family has the people who actually show that they care and those who frankly just don't give a flying fuck but still expect the glory and honours. And maybe I am projecting. I've just become very disillusioned about wedding planning and the people that I thought would love and support and want to be involved in the process. It's really made me realize which people I need to focus my attention on and which people are just there for the ride and don't really deserve additional attention. If anything, that's what I've learned through this process. And in some ways I'm glad but in other ways I'm sad because I wanted more. I didn't want kumbayas and all that jazz, but at least some interest in this once in a lifetime event. But because some people can't leave the past in the past, they are going to miss out on the future because they will only get token attention instead of real attention. And that's their loss. People have different preferences and priorities. I wasn't into planning my own wedding. I cared what I wore, and that there were martinis, and that my closest friends were there, but I really wasn't into looking at venues or sampling catering menus. I remember my then-future-MIL hanging up on me once because she called me at work to ask whether we should have white or cream plates at the reception, and I told her that I really didn't care and she was welcome to do what she wanted. She really enjoys party planning -- I don't. She was willing to spend a year of college tuition on a wedding -- I don't know if I will be willing to do so or not and am not willing to put wedding funding into my long-term financial planning like I have college funding and retirement. If I can help, I am not unwilling to do so. But honestly for me the wedding reception wasn't super important, and if I had been able to take the $30,000 and, say, pay off most of my student loans instead, it would have made me personally much happier (and I get that those two things aren't at all fungible, as well as that it was my inlaws' money to do with as they wished and that it was completely reasonable for them to fund their own preference, which was an extravagant wedding). That doesn't mean at all that I think it is unreasonable for people to get excited about wedding planning, or to spend a lot of money on a wedding. I don't really have a preference for luxury cars or high-end electronics either, but I completely get that other people do, and that the amount of money that I spend on things like travel, yarn, and having a large family do not reflect the financial choices other people would make. It doesn't mean I'm not excited for you to get what you want.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 1, 2015 17:26:31 GMT
Who says people get that excited? Ime, almost everyone involved in the planning part of a wedding is very relieved when it is over. And unless you're into free booze and dancing in formal wear, many people find attending weddings a chore. I enjoy going to support the bride and groom. But I don't attend weddings unless I am really close to the couple or feel a social obligation. In my experience, everyone gets excited to go to a wedding. I don't know about being relieved about the planning being over since I'm still in the middle of it, but I am really surprised at how many people resent the whole process and want nothing to do with weddings other than attending. I expected this experience to be a chance for me to get closer to my inlaws... Hahahaha. No. Since we're not doing it their way, we're not doing it right. We never expected them to contribute monetarily, but I did expect them to contribute more than what feels like a swift kick in the ass. I like attending weddings, though I prefer working them and I make sure that the couple know that I am available to help them with whatever they need. It's actually pretty depressing to know that people think life milestones are nothing more than a pain in the ass that the couple is burdening their family and friends with. The milestone is the marriage. I'm thrilled when friends/family get married. The wedding is an event. With rules and expectations that aren't always clear. But are usually expensive. I'm not as thrilled about a wedding. Sometimes they are an absolute ball. Sometimes they're six hours out of a Saturday. The last wedding I attended was a lot of fun. And I was so happy to connect with family I hadn't seen in a while. I was happy to be there for the bride and she seemed to be really touched that I had made such an effort to be there for her. It was sweet watching her take vows with her husband. I was just a guest so I didn't have any of the stress of planning/paying.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 1, 2015 17:34:49 GMT
I think you are doing a lot of projecting. Just because parents aren't planning to fund a wedding, doesn't mean they don't care or won't help their children in whatever way they want/need. When you see statistics about the amount of consumer debt, housing prices, cost of education, rising medical costs, and the burden of retirement savings - I don't think it's unreasonable that people are choosing to spend their money differently. Seriously, everybody have the wedding they want! It's not really a big deal! Yeah I get that everyone needs to have the wedding they want. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of that. We had about 6 different scenarios for the wedding, everything from going to city hall and then on a big vacation to a backyard wedding to the wedding we're having now. Every wedding in my family is different, which is different. But it's been interesting to see the similarities that every family has the people who actually show that they care and those who frankly just don't give a flying fuck but still expect the glory and honours. And maybe I am projecting. I've just become very disillusioned about wedding planning and the people that I thought would love and support and want to be involved in the process. It's really made me realize which people I need to focus my attention on and which people are just there for the ride and don't really deserve additional attention. If anything, that's what I've learned through this process. And in some ways I'm glad but in other ways I'm sad because I wanted more. I didn't want kumbayas and all that jazz, but at least some interest in this once in a lifetime event. But because some people can't leave the past in the past, they are going to miss out on the future because they will only get token attention instead of real attention. And that's their loss. Maybe you need to have a conversation with the people you expect to be helping. Chances are, they have no clue what you're thinking. It may be that they have a completely idea of what a wedding should look like and your idea is way different. Also, people have learned that wading into wedding planning can be a dangerous thing. Offering opinions can cause rifts.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 1, 2015 18:00:11 GMT
Yeah I get that everyone needs to have the wedding they want. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of that. We had about 6 different scenarios for the wedding, everything from going to city hall and then on a big vacation to a backyard wedding to the wedding we're having now. Every wedding in my family is different, which is different. But it's been interesting to see the similarities that every family has the people who actually show that they care and those who frankly just don't give a flying fuck but still expect the glory and honours. And maybe I am projecting. I've just become very disillusioned about wedding planning and the people that I thought would love and support and want to be involved in the process. It's really made me realize which people I need to focus my attention on and which people are just there for the ride and don't really deserve additional attention. If anything, that's what I've learned through this process. And in some ways I'm glad but in other ways I'm sad because I wanted more. I didn't want kumbayas and all that jazz, but at least some interest in this once in a lifetime event. But because some people can't leave the past in the past, they are going to miss out on the future because they will only get token attention instead of real attention. And that's their loss. Maybe you need to have a conversation with the people you expect to be helping. Chances are, they have no clue what you're thinking. It may be that they have a completely idea of what a wedding should look like and your idea is way different. Also, people have learned that wading into wedding planning can be a dangerous thing. Offering opinions can cause rifts. I rearranged the things I wanted help with so that I could do them on my own or with the couple of people I could actually count on. The ones I had hoped to get closer to by doing things like going cake tasting or dress shopping or whatever made it clear they are not interested in even getting together for a couple hours to be crafty (and it didn't even have to be them working on wedding stuff, just like a crop or something) or be involved. So my hope to get to know FH's family beyond the token family dinners turned into nothing. Unfortunately those who really want to help me live across the country. So I do it myself with some help from my man of honour and my FH. So yes, I rearranged my expectations and downgraded them. My disillusionment comes from a place where I thought I'd be welcomed into the family, not become an ignored black sheep by proxy because I'm not playing the wedding by their rules. Oh well, their loss. I'm focussing my priorities elsewhere. I don't need that toxicity in my life.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 1, 2015 18:01:29 GMT
The thing is -- it's a once in a lifetime event for two people -- the bride and the groom. For everyone else, it's a celebration, but not the only one they have been too or will be going to. I think expectations that it be a once in a lifetime event for all or even many is unrealistic. It's very easy to get into an egocentric perspective as a bride -- I would say that many or even most do. And generally if you asked most would probably say they weren't. But outside looking in, that's another story. Part of it is that the bride has very specific ideas on what they want, where they want it, etc. And I do agree that TV/social media has racketed up expectations for many. I do hope that my DDs chose to have small intimate weddings where they allow others to pitch in and help make a successful event rather than viewing that as interloping or trying to change what the bride wants to do. I think there are times when the bride and groom don't look at the situation from other perspectives. It can be expensive for others to celebrate at the level the bride and groom have chosen. Whether that is travel expenses, gift expenses, clothing, etc. And honestly many of these "once in a lifetime" events become a 2nd/3rd event. Or like someone else said, so many seem to end quickly in divorce. It's hard to celebrate when for example my FIL gets married for the 3rd time with a whole formal wedding shebang in Las Vegas. I understand it was her first wedding, but it's hard to celebrate that "once in a lifetime" knowing that there is a large possibility that it won't work out. It does feel many times that more thought goes into wedding planning than into the marriage itself. Grinningcat - I hope in the end your wedding turns out to be everything you want it to be but more than that I hope that you have a successful marriage. Thanks. We just want to be married and we happen to be marrying in the fall. The wait is annoying but I have to let my cousin who married in May and my niece who is marrying next month have their moments before we can. If anything, we already feel like we're married... the wedding for us is just a celebration of that, bringing together our family and friends. But there's more focus on us than the wedding. I just like being crafty. LOL
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Post by RiverIsis on Jul 1, 2015 18:57:34 GMT
I hope both my daughters elope to some fabulous places. Would much rather give money for a nice travel experience than the whole wedding shebang. Otherwise, exDH can pay for it. :-) Love this! We go to the beach in the summer (7 hrs. away) and there are often weddings on the beach. My kids love the beach, and they say they want a simple beach wedding! Of course that's a long way off, but I would be fine with that! Don't get too excited yet, my cousin is trying to sort out a simple beach wedding with a DJ/party reception and is finding it very, very difficult - don't know if it is costs, availability etc. I feel for her. I know on her side of the family the costs are her's to bear, don't know about the groom.
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Post by RiverIsis on Jul 1, 2015 19:07:55 GMT
I think you are doing a lot of projecting. Just because parents aren't planning to fund a wedding, doesn't mean they don't care or won't help their children in whatever way they want/need. When you see statistics about the amount of consumer debt, housing prices, cost of education, rising medical costs, and the burden of retirement savings - I don't think it's unreasonable that people are choosing to spend their money differently. Seriously, everybody have the wedding they want! It's not really a big deal! Yeah I get that everyone needs to have the wedding they want. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of that. We had about 6 different scenarios for the wedding, everything from going to city hall and then on a big vacation to a backyard wedding to the wedding we're having now. Every wedding in my family is different, which is different. But it's been interesting to see the similarities that every family has the people who actually show that they care and those who frankly just don't give a flying fuck but still expect the glory and honours. And maybe I am projecting. I've just become very disillusioned about wedding planning and the people that I thought would love and support and want to be involved in the process. It's really made me realize which people I need to focus my attention on and which people are just there for the ride and don't really deserve additional attention. If anything, that's what I've learned through this process. And in some ways I'm glad but in other ways I'm sad because I wanted more. I didn't want kumbayas and all that jazz, but at least some interest in this once in a lifetime event. But because some people can't leave the past in the past, they are going to miss out on the future because they will only get token attention instead of real attention. And that's their loss. Unfortunately, we never know what baggage other people have, especially with regards to weddings. Honestly, try to see it as a positive. You have done what you can to be inclusive. If they don't want to be included, they have their reasons and that is ok.
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Post by RiverIsis on Jul 1, 2015 19:17:00 GMT
Maybe you need to have a conversation with the people you expect to be helping. Chances are, they have no clue what you're thinking. It may be that they have a completely idea of what a wedding should look like and your idea is way different. Also, people have learned that wading into wedding planning can be a dangerous thing. Offering opinions can cause rifts. I rearranged the things I wanted help with so that I could do them on my own or with the couple of people I could actually count on. The ones I had hoped to get closer to by doing things like going cake tasting or dress shopping or whatever made it clear they are not interested in even getting together for a couple hours to be crafty (and it didn't even have to be them working on wedding stuff, just like a crop or something) or be involved. So my hope to get to know FH's family beyond the token family dinners turned into nothing. Unfortunately those who really want to help me live across the country. So I do it myself with some help from my man of honour and my FH. So yes, I rearranged my expectations and downgraded them. My disillusionment comes from a place where I thought I'd be welcomed into the family, not become an ignored black sheep by proxy because I'm not playing the wedding by their rules. Oh well, their loss. I'm focussing my priorities elsewhere. I don't need that toxicity in my life. Oh heck, we could start another thread about black sheep by proxy. My SIL pitched a fit when we were opening our wedding gifts the next day as my husband and his brother were making fun of EVERYTHING.
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Post by RiverIsis on Jul 1, 2015 19:24:00 GMT
The biggest complaint I heard about a wedding in my extended family (We didn't attend as it was prom night for our eldest), was when my cousin married. Traditionally in our family we serve food because people have to travel etc. Well my cousin didn't make it known to anyone that it was only going to be punch and cake. Additionally they married at lunchtime so people didn't know to eat before etc. The kicker after all that was they said it was because they didn't have the money. No problem just let people know so they can make their own arrangements. Six months later they and the In Laws are vacationing in Hawaii. Now I get priorities, but be honest. This is also the cousin and his wife that always wanted to do mission work in the Bahamas etc. Wow, I wonder why you chose that and not some poor country.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,423
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Jul 1, 2015 19:45:06 GMT
we are providing our kids with a fully paid college education & we have money put aside for a down payment for their first house. Should they choose to get married, they can also pay for it themselves. We paid for our own wedding plus our honeymoon - well my parents bought my dress but that was it. We will give them a nice gift at a wedding - but I'd rather see them have a good start in life than pay for a great party.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 1, 2015 20:53:39 GMT
Love this! We go to the beach in the summer (7 hrs. away) and there are often weddings on the beach. My kids love the beach, and they say they want a simple beach wedding! Of course that's a long way off, but I would be fine with that! Don't get too excited yet, my cousin is trying to sort out a simple beach wedding with a DJ/party reception and is finding it very, very difficult - don't know if it is costs, availability etc. I feel for her. I know on her side of the family the costs are her's to bear, don't know about the groom. I'm betting that she's planning a simple wedding but an involved reception. I've shot many beach weddings. They can be very simple, and elegant, without costing too much money. Or they can be outrageously expensive. Sometimes couples rent huge beach houses (two or more) that cost $15,000 themselves. They want to be in a house right on the water, get ready, have a place to greet guests, and walk out onto the sand to marry. Sometimes they rent homes where the entire bridal party can spend a couple of nights before the wedding. Other couples have their guests meet at a specific public beach access and there's no cost other than clothing and flowers.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jul 1, 2015 23:18:44 GMT
For our wedding, my parents paid for half the ceremony and DH's parent's paid for half the reception. We got married in Jamaica (while on a cruise) and had a big reception at home for all those who couldn't attend the actual ceremony. We paid for a good portion ourselves... but then again, we had been engaged for a few years.
I don't think it was split entirely into thirds, but we tried to make it as even as possible.
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Post by pelirroja on Jul 2, 2015 1:57:12 GMT
I am paying for private university and have told both of my DDs that if they are mature enough to marry, they are grown enough to pay for it on their own. Giving them an education will give them the ability to make their own way and choose their own financial spending choices. I expect them to pay for weddings, houses, etc.
Once in a lifetime event? That was my intention but not my reality: I personally paid all costs for BOTH of my weddings. I'm seriously hoping my DDs get it right the first time, unlike me. The second time was the charm because it was all about the marriage, not the wedding (lesson learned).
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:18:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 5:40:55 GMT
My friend just got married and had to pay for everything herself. There were about 50 guests. She DIY all the decorations, bought flowers and cake from Costco, negotiated discounts on all the contracts and still paid $30K and her wedding was not extravagant. I would love to live in a world where $30k is not extravagant.
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Post by nitad on Jul 2, 2015 8:50:19 GMT
We are paying for my DD's university education which is already more than we can truly afford. I have made it clear that any wedding will be up to her and her intended to pay for. She agrees with me and is very grateful for the help we are giving her with her schooling. I love that kid. <3
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