momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 30, 2015 20:06:55 GMT
My dd is dating a new guy and he mentioned to her that his brother had recently married. His parents paid for half the wedding and their portion was 20K  It seemed his opinion was that it was a little extreme. Anyhow it got my thinking about weddings and having 4 kids. I've often thought, some may marry, some may not. Some might want an extravagant affair while others may want simple. In fact a family friend recently gave their last dd a simpler wedding than her sisters because she wanted some of the budget to go towards a down payment on a house. Needless to say the 20K for half the wedding is a bit of sticker shock to me. I can't imagine coming up with that x4. At the same time not each kid would want the same type of affair so how do you'd handle something like this (assuming you'd pay at all.) We've yet to give it much consideration at this point so i'm interested to see how people deal with it. Of course I know things have changed quite a bit over the years and some pay for weddings, some couples are older when they marry and pay for their own event. Curious how things go these days. Back when I married, we were young and living at home. My parents paid for the whole event (there were no offers from dh's family to help in any way.) |
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Post by littlemama on Jun 30, 2015 20:09:10 GMT
We would probably have a set amount that we would be willing to contribute (and it would not be anywhere near $20K!). I believe we received set amounts from each of our moms (much less from mil who could afford it more at the time).
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freebird
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'cause I'm free as a bird now
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Post by freebird on Jun 30, 2015 20:15:39 GMT
I've saved a bit of money for my son when he gets married, it's only a couple thousand dollars. I will probably also pay for a reasonable priced photographer. I think that's more than generous. You can have a pretty decent little family/friends wedding here for under $5k around here. If one of my kids wants a $40k wedding, then go for it, but I will only contribute the same amount each time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:30:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2015 20:16:57 GMT
Depending on when either boy gets married, we may offer to pay for something or just give them a really generous gift.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:30:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2015 20:20:14 GMT
DS is still young, but I expect if he gets married some day, it will be the norm by then for costs to be split between the families, so we'd definitely contribute a significant portion of the overall budget. Hard to say what that would be decades in advance, but 50/50 seems likely.
We got married when we were 26 and 30 and my parents paid for the wedding. DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. When my two brothers got married, my parents contributed to both weddings.
I think it's nice if parents can pay for a wedding, but by no means do I think it's an obligation.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 30, 2015 20:22:42 GMT
We received a lump sum from DH parents. My mother was in no position to pay for anything. We elected to spend $25 to married by the JP. If my DS ever marries I'm willing and able to help, but it would be nowhere close to $20k.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:30:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2015 20:24:36 GMT
I expect to give each child a specific amount (same for all) that they can use however they wish. If it is all spent on wedding stuff, that is fine. Or they can use some for something else. But it will definitely not be $20K each. After putting them through college, they should be able to pay for a significant portion of their needs and wants.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Jun 30, 2015 20:26:07 GMT
We have 2 sons and did our share as parents of the groom. I would estimate that our cost for wedding related expenses was around 10 K for each. That includes hotel, food, parties and clothing, but not engagement rings. One had a very low key affair, the other's was more upscale. It's shocking what weddings cost, and there are ways to reduce those costs, just as there are easy ways to inflate them.
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Post by Dictionary on Jun 30, 2015 20:29:16 GMT
Well for the boys you only need to pay for dress rehearsal dinner and his tux. But I think it would be this is my budget and this is what we'll allow. If the grooms parents want to kick in so be it, but I really wouldn't be asking. I know I never asked my parents to pay for my wedding but they did give me a check later, the whole thing cost about $8k (my dress was only $40 from the Gunny Sax outlet and I only had a maid of honor) which ironically was the cost of my brother's dress rehearsal dinner. Needless to say he's no longer married but I am still married 25 years and counting. So just because you spend $$ on the wedding of a lifetime doesn't mean that's the only time they will be getting married in their lifetime so hopefully there is some common sense to go along with that budget.
My ds got married and they had a very elaborate wedding, the dress rehearsal dinner was nice but again not over the top unfortunately I didn't get to limit the list of who was invited so needless to say I had to pay for extended relatives and friends. Still because I chose the place I was able to find something elegant and simple in my price range.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 16:30:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2015 20:31:28 GMT
We were 19 and paid for our own very simple inexpensive wedding as our parents just couldn't. We spent less than a thousand dollars. 23 years ago.
If my son gets married (he's 12) we will contribute a modest amount according to what we can afford at the time.
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by loco coco on Jun 30, 2015 20:33:15 GMT
we paid for our own wedding but my MIL paid for our invitations and gave us $2500 towards our honeymoon, I would like to do something similar when I have kids if they get married
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Post by librarylady on Jun 30, 2015 20:33:25 GMT
Our son wanted a wedding, not just a ceremony before a xxx at the courthouse.
We had a wedding for 110 guests. All but 6 were our friends and family. We paid for 99% because I did not think it fair to ask her family for any money under those circumstances. Her family insisted on paying for something! The wedding was in Texas and her Canadian family/friends would not make the trip.
It was 10 years ago and cost under $10,000.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 30, 2015 20:36:53 GMT
My parents gave me $10,000 back in 1990 and told me that there wouldn't be any more. DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (a back yard BBQ) and gave me $100 for my bouquet. I fed 320 people on that money, bought my wedding dress, veil, photographer, open bar, cake, venue, band, church, etc all out of that money. I went over budget by less than $50, too. It was a crazy amount of money to spend on a wedding in rural Minnesota in 1990, but I have a huge Catholic family and my parents insisted that EVERYONE be included, with a plus one.
My mom died a month before the wedding and Dad remarried 3 years later. They had a light brunch with cake and champagne for 100. I guess Dad got it all out of his system by then!
But it stuck. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. We got married at 22, a month out of college. I guess we did know what we were doing!
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jun 30, 2015 20:38:43 GMT
We also have four kids. Our DD was married a year ago and her *very* simple affair, truly simple, was still about $12,000. I had very lofty opinions of big budget weddings until she started planning. We did end up paying all but about $1500 the kids paid in down payments and the grooms parents contributed the rehearsal dinner. We were impressed with how they attempted to save money, etc so decided we would pay. We also "owned" a significant share of the guest list like Librarylady above.
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lotsokids
Junior Member
Sunny Southern Cali!
Posts: 53
Location: Sunny Southern Cali!
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Post by lotsokids on Jun 30, 2015 20:40:22 GMT
Our oldest daughter just got engaged and getting married in about a year and a half. We are paying for the reception. Her and her fiancée are paying for everything else, like the photographer, video, music, etc. His parents have not offered to pay for anything and I wouldn't expect them to either. Well, except for the rehearsal dinner, since that would be tradition.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Jun 30, 2015 20:50:41 GMT
We'll contribute as much as we're able to to each of them when/if the time comes.
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Post by leannec on Jun 30, 2015 20:57:04 GMT
We have two dd's, ages 16 and 12, so we hopefully have quite awhile before dealing with any weddings  Dh is cheap so I can't see him agreeing to dishing out a huge amount of cash ... he's also a realtor so he would also rather give money toward a downpayment on a house  But he's also a softie ... they are his babies and so we'll definitely contribute a chunk ... especially on the dress because I have a small obsession with them  |
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Post by melanell on Jun 30, 2015 21:00:13 GMT
DH & I paid for our own. It just seemed like the thing to do to us. It felt odd for us, to be two responsible adults, both working, able to make it on our own, to go ask our parents to foot the bill for our event. And I'm not saying that's how others should see it at all, but it was how we felt. So, truthfully, I never really gave any thought to paying for my child's wedding. Sure, I'd love to do something special to help if they'd like, but I guess in my head I imagine them paying for their own as well. Time will tell, I guess!  |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 30, 2015 21:06:37 GMT
When we got married in 98 his parents and my parents each gave us $1000. His parents also paid for the rehearsal dinner, but they chose the location  We paid for the rest (approx $2k). When my siblings began getting married several years later my parents were able to contribute more to their much fancier weddings, so they gave us a check for the difference of their wedding contributions (couple thousand). We have 2 boys but I'm guessing we'll contribute X amount of money to each wedding. How much exactly, I have no idea, but it won't be anywhere near $20k  |
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Post by maryland on Jun 30, 2015 21:07:03 GMT
We are paying what we can toward college for our daughters. If they go instate, it will be paid for by us and any leftover money they can put towards graduate school. If they go out of state, they may have to take out loans. We have been saving since the kids were born.
If they want a fancy wedding, that is their responsibility. We do not plan to pay for our 3 kids weddings (if they even get married). If we have extra money (I can't picture that!) we would happily give them money towards a house, and perhaps help them out with a small amount toward the wedding. We have always told them that, so no surprise! They are still young (12, 15 and 17), so no weddings anytime soon.
My husband and I were in our mid 20s when we got married and we had a small wedding and paid for it ourselves. Our parents paid for our education and that was a great enough present! We were so thankful that we had no college/law school loans! If they would have offered money towards our wedding, we would have asked if we could use it towards a house instead. |
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 16:30:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2015 21:15:46 GMT
No, we won't be paying for DS's wedding and hopefully any wedding is light years away.
IF and when he gets married, we will definitely spring for a generous wedding gift for him and his wife.
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Post by brina on Jun 30, 2015 21:20:13 GMT
Haven't really thought about it at great length. I am sure we will help. I have two boys and a girl. I guess I always assumed we would pay for her wedding and the boys' rehearsal dinners - cause that's how its done, right - but circumstances could change that.
My dh is one of two boys. His family is much better off than mine. HIs parents never got to 'do' a wedding as they did not have a daughter. DH and I paid for our own wedding, although his parents offered to pay. We got married in my home state and we were fairly certain that if his parents were paying they would want it in their home state. I was moving to their state and really wanted the wedding at my home church before upping and changing everything about my life. Since we didn't want to give them control of the day (i.e. have them move it) we thanked them but said no. They did a really lovely rehearsal dinner for the wedding party and all the out of town guests
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 30, 2015 21:27:00 GMT
Four daughters here. We intend to pay for their weddings. We saved for college; we're saving for weddings.
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Post by lucyg on Jun 30, 2015 21:35:44 GMT
My parents paid for my wedding and both of my sisters' weddings. My brother's first wife's parents paid for their wedding. We are traditionalists. But when the second weddings rolled around, the happy couples paid for their own. I always thought I'd at least contribute to my kids' weddings (especially DD) but they're in their 30s now and neither one is showing signs of getting married any time soon. They both have SOs but nothing is happening beyond that. My niece got married recently in Austin TX and her wedding (maybe 100 guests or a few more) was absolutely lovely but also relatively simple. Not "overdone" in any way. It still ran $20,000. Don't kid yourselves, folks ... weddings are big business. |
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Post by bostonmama on Jun 30, 2015 21:51:03 GMT
Four daughters here. We intend to pay for their weddings. We saved for college; we're saving for weddings. Not directed at you specifically peabay, but those of you with multiple daughters... Will you contribute the same amount? Or whatever amount you can do so comfortably at that time? Those whose parents paid for their weddings, did they pay the same amount toward your sister(s)'s wedding(s)? |
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Post by RiverIsis on Jun 30, 2015 21:51:40 GMT
My parents gave me $10,000 back in 1990 and told me that there wouldn't be any more. DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (a back yard BBQ) and gave me $100 for my bouquet. I fed 320 people on that money, bought my wedding dress, veil, photographer, open bar, cake, venue, band, church, etc all out of that money. I went over budget by less than $50, too. It was a crazy amount of money to spend on a wedding in rural Minnesota in 1990, but I have a huge Catholic family and my parents insisted that EVERYONE be included, with a plus one. My mom died a month before the wedding and Dad remarried 3 years later. They had a light brunch with cake and champagne for 100. I guess Dad got it all out of his system by then! But it stuck. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. We got married at 22, a month out of college. I guess we did know what we were doing! Happy Anniversary! It sounds awful but I don't know our costs but I bought my dress and veil on sale, we had friends who self catered the wedding for us and provided the open bar too. A Baptist minister's wife made our wedding cake. My grandmother and aunt made the bridesmaids dresses and I made most of the boutonniere's and hair accessories. I had a florist for my bouquet, corsages for MOB, MOG and GMOB, and Boutonnieres for Groom, FOB, GOB. Paid for top notch musicians, organist with a Master degree in organ (one of those fabulous old pipe organs) and trumpeter and my aunt and friend sang. Professional photographer. I think our costs were around $5,000. I fear either of mine wanting to get married in the next few years. We are helping them through college and that has resources a bit lean to be honest. |
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Post by RiverIsis on Jun 30, 2015 21:54:01 GMT
My parents paid for my wedding and both of my sisters' weddings. My brother's first wife's parents paid for their wedding. We are traditionalists. But when the second weddings rolled around, the happy couples paid for their own. I always thought I'd at least contribute to my kids' weddings (especially DD) but they're in their 30s now and neither one is showing signs of getting married any time soon. They both have SOs but nothing is happening beyond that. My niece got married recently in Austin TX and her wedding (maybe 100 guests or a few more) was absolutely lovely but also relatively simple. Not "overdone" in any way. It still ran $20,000. Don't kid yourselves, folks ... weddings are big business. Maybe now that everyone can get married the prices will come down, or of course that could drive everything up - supply and demand and all that! YIKES! Might be spending significant time in the future encouraging elopement!!!  |
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by melissa on Jun 30, 2015 21:58:25 GMT
40K total is not extreme in some regions. It really depends on where you live and the options available and the choices you make.
I was married in 1993. The reception cost about $120 per plate. It was Kosher, so it was a bit pricier than similar non-Kosher catering halls, but not very much more. Also, that was with a discount for a Sunday wedding (vs Sat night which was more expensive). That per plate figure did not include the cake, flowers, gown, etc. It was a formal event with a cocktail hour, ceremony and then dinner.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 30, 2015 22:05:46 GMT
I have 5.8 kids at this point, and I am paying for them to attend college, but I am not making any specific commitments about weddings. While we'd be on the winning end under traditional arrangements (four boys, two girls) if they all turn out to be heterosexual and choose to get married, my plan for weddings is that "we'll see."
We're throwing the first of five or six bat/bar mitzvahs this summer, and I am seeing how costs can escalate quickly as well as how little I enjoy formal party-planning.
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Post by Merge on Jun 30, 2015 22:07:15 GMT
We have two daughters. We're taking the same position with college and weddings: we'll help as much as we can, but how far the money actually goes depends on how expensive the college and wedding are. I expect when the time arrives we'll come up with a specific sum we can afford at that time.
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It seemed his opinion was that it was a little extreme.
We paid for the rest (approx $2k). When my siblings began getting married several years later my parents were able to contribute more to their much fancier weddings, so they gave us a check for the difference of their wedding contributions (couple thousand).
