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Post by blondiec47 on Aug 11, 2015 10:36:02 GMT
I learned that from Emily Gilmore (The Gilmore Girls) before that I had no idea
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 11, 2015 11:19:59 GMT
I've always known it (exposure to that etiquette rule as a child I suppose), but for the life of me, I'm not sure whether I strictly follow it now or not! I've been sitting here wracking my brain to think what I have said and/or written to brides lately... and I really have no idea. I bet I HAVE offered congratulations to brides.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2015 11:22:29 GMT
Knew the difference but have always thought it was stupid... but not surprising. A lot of this etiquette treats women like objects to be purchased or acquired... not actual human beings with minds of their own. So it pisses me off that the groom is to be congratulated because he acquired a fiance but a bride can't be congratulated because it means she actually accomplished something people thought would never happen. Entirely rude. I am not an object to be acquired and FH knows damn well that the engagement was a mutual decision... he didn't win any kind of contest. Grrr. Between this an other marriage/wedding sexist bullshit, I'm over the stupid institution of marriage.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Aug 11, 2015 11:37:24 GMT
Yes, I was taught this as a child. Off to see if I've taught it to my own children.
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Post by brina on Aug 11, 2015 11:41:41 GMT
I do know it. I do not follow it. There is a funny scene in Gilmore Girls where Emily makes Luke feel awkward by pointing it out her her vow renewal. Her making him feel awkward by pointing out a minor faux pas is a far more egregious breach of etiquette than his congratulating her.
It does not surprise me that President Bush would do it correctly - it is probably so ingrained that he would never say it any other way.
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BarbaraUK
Drama Llama
Surrounded by my yarn stash on the NE coast of England...............!! Refupea 1702
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Jun 27, 2014 12:47:11 GMT
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Post by BarbaraUK on Aug 11, 2015 11:45:48 GMT
Yes, I knew about this......just something I grew up knowing. In the UK it appears to date back to at least the 1800s, before Victoria became Queen so has been part of traditional social etiquette for centuries. It isn't now considered a breach of etiquette to offer congratulations to the bride but a lot of people still adhere to the rule.
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Post by cmhs on Aug 11, 2015 11:46:43 GMT
I have known this since I was a kid. I have lots of older siblings who are all fonts of information (aka "know it all").
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Post by melodyesch on Aug 11, 2015 11:49:09 GMT
I did know but I have absolutely no idea when, where, or why I learned it. I really wish I could remember! Even here on engagement threads by brides-to-be I always post "best wishes for a long and happy marriage." I also don't know how I know it. And a couple of weeks ago my nephew's bride-to-be announced their engagement on Facebook and I posted "Best wishes for a long and happy marriage." On his page I posted "Congatulations!" If I had been actually speaking to them in person, I would have said congratulations for both.
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Post by maryland on Aug 11, 2015 11:51:49 GMT
I have never heard that. (But if congratulations means you didn't think the bride would get a husband, doesn't saying congratulations to the groom make it sound like you wouldn't think he would get someone to say yes? Just a thought). If the bride asked the groom, do you wish her congrats and him best wishes?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 14:26:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 11:53:32 GMT
I knew it, but from back in the dark ages when I got married. I've always ignored it because I thought it was silly. Cute piece of trivia though!
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Post by Meri-Lyn on Aug 11, 2015 11:55:20 GMT
I had no idea, and I grew up with some very Southern women...hmmm. Lucy's going to make me turn in my etiquette card now. haha!
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Post by cyndijane on Aug 11, 2015 11:56:55 GMT
I learned that from Emily Gilmore (The Gilmore Girls) before that I had no idea This was what I was popping in to say! Emily giving Luke a hard time for not knowing the difference.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Aug 11, 2015 11:59:10 GMT
Yes, I've always know this. But I don't think it really applies these days, and I do say Congratulations to the woman now.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 14:26:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 11:59:55 GMT
Knew the difference but have always thought it was stupid... but not surprising. A lot of this etiquette treats women like objects to be purchased or acquired... not actual human beings with minds of their own. So it pisses me off that the groom is to be congratulated because he acquired a fiance but a bride can't be congratulated because it means she actually accomplished something people thought would never happen. Entirely rude. I am not an object to be acquired and FH knows damn well that the engagement was a mutual decision... he didn't win any kind of contest. Grrr. Between this an other marriage/wedding sexist bullshit, I'm over the stupid institution of marriage. OK I'm curious now and can't resist asking.......why are you getting married then if you're over the institution of marriage? I could understand where you're coming from if you said that you were over the traditions pertaining to the marriage but the etiquette, as in this case, be it old fashioned in this day and age, has nothing to do with the actual recognised union of two people as per the institution of the actual marriage itself.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Aug 11, 2015 12:00:34 GMT
Yep. And I am nothing if not traditional, so I stuck to it at the last wedding I attended.
I told both grooms "Congratulations."
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Post by katieanna on Aug 11, 2015 12:12:37 GMT
According to etiquette, you are to say "Best Wishes" to the bride because to say otherwise implies that it was not assumed that she would marry. You are to congratulate the groom for succeeding in getting her to say "yes." I've never heard this before. I'm a West Coast girl. Have you heard it? I'm an East Coast girl and this is the first I've heard of it. My niece is getting married next month. Now I'll know what to write in her card!
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Dalai Mama
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La Pea Boheme
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 11, 2015 12:21:49 GMT
I tend to purposefully ignore etiquette mired in 50s patriarchy. Saying congratulations to the bride is much better than the "Yeah, good luck with that" that is typically going through my head.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 11, 2015 12:28:01 GMT
I've known this since childhood etiquette classes. In practice use both terms. Each party needs to be acknowledged - and anyone getting married can use a little luck!
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Post by utmr on Aug 11, 2015 12:32:15 GMT
Saying congratulations to the bride is much better than the "Yeah, good luck with that" that is typically going through my head. Lol at "good luck with that". "Best wishes! And I took "over" in the over/under pool we started during the rehearsal dinner, so don't let me down!" I know the rule, and follow it when writing, although in casual conversation it seems to matter less. It's good to know the rules, even if you choose not to follow them.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2015 12:33:37 GMT
Knew the difference but have always thought it was stupid... but not surprising. A lot of this etiquette treats women like objects to be purchased or acquired... not actual human beings with minds of their own. So it pisses me off that the groom is to be congratulated because he acquired a fiance but a bride can't be congratulated because it means she actually accomplished something people thought would never happen. Entirely rude. I am not an object to be acquired and FH knows damn well that the engagement was a mutual decision... he didn't win any kind of contest. Grrr. Between this an other marriage/wedding sexist bullshit, I'm over the stupid institution of marriage. OK I'm curious now and can't resist asking.......why are you getting married then if you're over the institution of marriage? I could understand where you're coming from if you said that you were over the traditions pertaining to the marriage but the etiquette, as in this case, be it old fashioned in this day and age, has nothing to do with the actual recognised union of two people as per the institution of the actual marriage itself. I wasn't eloquent. I'm over the institutional trappings of marriage and the "required" customs like this stupidity when it comes to congratulatory expression. I'm over being told that certain things have to happen for our marriage to be real. I'm over the archaic undertones of many of the traditions, which ruin their modern day use and meaning. I'm over the lie that a wedding is supposed to be the best time of your life and it's supposed to bring people together as a happy unit. No it doesn't. It makes people batshit crazy and think they are entitled to dictate what happens at a wedding that isn't theirs. So while I want to be married to my FH, I'm over the bullshit that the WIC perpetuates.
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Aug 11, 2015 12:39:50 GMT
No, I've never heard this before. Apparently I was raised in a barn.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 14:26:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 12:44:10 GMT
OK I'm curious now and can't resist asking.......why are you getting married then if you're over the institution of marriage? I could understand where you're coming from if you said that you were over the traditions pertaining to the marriage but the etiquette, as in this case, be it old fashioned in this day and age, has nothing to do with the actual recognised union of two people as per the institution of the actual marriage itself. I wasn't eloquent. I'm over the institutional trappings of marriage and the "required" customs like this stupidity when it comes to congratulatory expression. I'm over being told that certain things have to happen for our marriage to be real. I'm over the archaic undertones of many of the traditions, which ruin their modern day use and meaning. I'm over the lie that a wedding is supposed to be the best time of your life and it's supposed to bring people together as a happy unit. No it doesn't. It makes people batshit crazy and think they are entitled to dictate what happens at a wedding that isn't theirs. So while I want to be married to my FH, I'm over the bullshit that the WIC perpetuates. I understand just close you're eyes & ears and carry on......much easier....you should have eloped
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 11, 2015 12:50:02 GMT
grinningcat, can't you refuse to participate? We didn't use any guidebooks,etiquette books or even a brides magazine. We put together an event we wanted and our friends and family would enjoy. It can be done. Maybe it was easier since it was in the city I lived in, not my home state. We were in 30s and throwing our own wedding. If not take Dotty's advice and let it wash over you and away.
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Post by KikiPea on Aug 11, 2015 12:58:11 GMT
Just heard it on a Hallmark movie LOL and think it's silly.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2015 13:01:08 GMT
I wasn't eloquent. I'm over the institutional trappings of marriage and the "required" customs like this stupidity when it comes to congratulatory expression. I'm over being told that certain things have to happen for our marriage to be real. I'm over the archaic undertones of many of the traditions, which ruin their modern day use and meaning. I'm over the lie that a wedding is supposed to be the best time of your life and it's supposed to bring people together as a happy unit. No it doesn't. It makes people batshit crazy and think they are entitled to dictate what happens at a wedding that isn't theirs. So while I want to be married to my FH, I'm over the bullshit that the WIC perpetuates. I understand just close you're eyes & ears and carry on......much easier....you should have eloped For the most part, I have. There was a really rough time when we were choosing the venue and date... lots of unwanted pressure from his side of the family. Now, for the most part, everyone's fine, there are just a few incidents that have marred the situation... you know, like high maintenance sisters who threaten not to come. Meh. For the most part, I'm good. I'm just tired of the lies that the WIC tells about wedding planning. We did think about eloping, but we wanted his grandparents to be involved and they cannot travel very well. Yeah. It's been interesting. I'm ready for the planning to be over and the wedding here. And the marriage after.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2015 13:04:28 GMT
grinningcat, can't you refuse to participate? We didn't use any guidebooks,etiquette books or even a brides magazine. We put together an event we wanted and our friends and family would enjoy. It can be done. Maybe it was easier since it was in the city I lived in, not my home state. We were in 30s and throwing our own wedding. If not take Dotty's advice and let it wash over you and away. For the most part, I have just ignored it. Though that creates issues... because I am confident in my decisions to do or not do things, it has created tension because I am not begging people (like his sisters who are younger and less confident and a lot more materialistic) for ideas and suggestions and "what should I do? ". Because I am doing it my way, not the way his family wants it to be done, it created tension (which actually has now abated and they have accepted it. There have just been some bumps in the road when it comes to doing it right for us versus the way the WIC expects things to happen. We went to one wedding show... that was enough WIC for me... TYVM. Not to mention, I still think having two greetings for an engaged couple is sexist.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 11, 2015 13:13:31 GMT
grinningcat , good luck dealing with the sisters! I was luckier than I realized having my future SIL (s) be 1K miles away. No chance for anyone to have input! I had to look up WIC, wedding industrial complex. What a perfect term! Good luck!
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 11, 2015 13:13:34 GMT
Yes, I did know this. I can be a bit of a 'jean jean the etiquette queen' but with this one I am less likely to follow the conventional responses-it depends on the circumstances.
More often than not, both partners will get a best wishes for a happy life as I think that will suffice for all but the most formal occasion.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2015 13:17:32 GMT
grinningcat , good luck dealing with the sisters! I was luckier than I realized having my future SIL (s) be 1K miles away. No chance for anyone to have input! I had to look up WIC, wedding industrial complex. What a perfect term! Good luck! Thanks. Though I don't really deal with them anymore. They can do whatever they like. I will not whine or beg for them to come. If they want to take that stand, they can explain themselves to the grandparents and the rest of the family. I invited them, it is up to them to respond the way they think is best. Beyond that, I just don't care anymore. They are not worth my time. They are very mean to everyone around them who doesn't dance to their demands. I don't have time to play their mean girl games... so they are nice to my face but who knows what they say behind my back. Meh. Their problem not mine.
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Post by Zee on Aug 11, 2015 13:18:48 GMT
OK I'm curious now and can't resist asking.......why are you getting married then if you're over the institution of marriage? I could understand where you're coming from if you said that you were over the traditions pertaining to the marriage but the etiquette, as in this case, be it old fashioned in this day and age, has nothing to do with the actual recognised union of two people as per the institution of the actual marriage itself. I wasn't eloquent. I'm over the institutional trappings of marriage and the "required" customs like this stupidity when it comes to congratulatory expression. I'm over being told that certain things have to happen for our marriage to be real. I'm over the archaic undertones of many of the traditions, which ruin their modern day use and meaning. I'm over the lie that a wedding is supposed to be the best time of your life and it's supposed to bring people together as a happy unit. No it doesn't. It makes people batshit crazy and think they are entitled to dictate what happens at a wedding that isn't theirs. So while I want to be married to my FH, I'm over the bullshit that the WIC perpetuates. You should have just eloped. It's too bad your wedding has turned into such a negative thing for you. I think if I were as angry about it all as you sound, I'd still go ahead and elope, and have a reception later. Which is actually what I did do.
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