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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 20, 2014 23:57:50 GMT
My oldest is getting married next summer. Love him and his bride to be. Love her family and excited for them both. They will graduate that May and get married in June.
Her and her mom went to a bridal show today. She texted me after and said they have 3 appt set up for dress shopping. I told her how excited I was for her. I am and progress is a good thing. June is a huge wedding month and they just booked their venue so now other plans can follow.
I really, really want to be able to go dress shopping at least once with them. I know I shouldn't invite myself (and won't) and that most people don't have their future MIL go with them. I see on the bridal shows sometimes friends, family, future MIL, grandma's and other people will be there.
So I need to get busy planning the rehearsal dinner and buying my dress. Not give another thought that I would love to go dress shopping with her, right?
My boys are super far apart in age and my middle son may not get married. My other ds is 5 and goodness I will be pretty old by the time he would ever get married if he does. I wanted a daughter forever and never got one. I love my boys and am excited to have a daughter in love in our family.
Any way to feel a part of things or get over wanting to be?
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 21, 2014 0:05:19 GMT
When I was the MOG, I pretty much stuck to the "wear beige and keep my mouth closed".
My dil did ask me to help her with stuff because (a) her sister had just gotten married and her mom did a lot of stuff that my dil didn't want done at her wedding, so asking me was a 'way out'. Also I live very close to the USA and we could do day trips to get stuff that we couldn't get in Canada (mid 2000's).
Rely on your faith and you will be better for it. Do not put your nose into stuff or ask too much, as you really don't want to be THAT mil.
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Post by LAM88 on Jul 21, 2014 0:07:29 GMT
My ILs threw us an engagement party. If you like to throw parties that can be a fun way to get involved.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 0:08:46 GMT
Yes, totally don't want to and won't be that MIL. I don't have big expectations of being included on most things. Dress shopping was just something I really, really wanted to do. I use to say I was going to have to find a little girl to buy dresses and skirts for because I love them so much and never had a girl. I use to work in bridal and still love it. We have a good relationship and I don't know if she would be offended if I asked or not. I don't think she would be but just don't want to be THAT MIL so I will say nothing.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,407
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 21, 2014 0:10:09 GMT
This is one of the things that makes me sad to have only boys. Start planning an awesome rehearsal dinner!
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 0:10:38 GMT
Tango-Not a party thrower for sure. They aren't party people either. They live in another town (where they go to school) and really only a small amount of family is here. They have been engaged almost a year too. I did have them over for dinner recently and gave them some pretty forks that are for their reception or cake cutting. We got them while we were on a trip to CA. I do have an idea of her style and some of what she liked so I felt safe getting them.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 0:11:45 GMT
Sabrina I hope to do so! There venue is out a ways and nothing is close to it that would work. So that is a bit of a challenge. I am excited to plan it though and put lots of thought, love and detail into it!
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Jul 21, 2014 0:14:44 GMT
Never having been a MOG, can't speak from experience, but if you mentioned wanting to go along to your son, could he suggest his fiancee extend an invitation?
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 0:16:59 GMT
Queen-Hmmmm.....I can do that but I wouldn't want him to feel in the middle. I would feel fine saying it to her and just letting her know I would love to go but would totally understand if she just wants it to be her mom. I guess sometimes something might be a big deal to someone and other times it isn't and they just never thought of it.
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Theresa/TSC
Junior Member
Married to MrNiceGuy
Posts: 77
Jul 14, 2014 1:43:44 GMT
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Post by Theresa/TSC on Jul 21, 2014 0:21:18 GMT
I was left out of everything for my son's wedding and he's an only child! My son and his fiance did take me dress shopping and they actually picked out and purchased what they wanted me to wear. I would have never picked it out myself but it did look awesome. (Her Mom wanted to wear a long formal dress so they made me wear one too. It was an outdoor wedding and even the bridesmaids wore tea length, the formal dress was not appropriate but he paid for it!) The biggest mistake I made was not saying, "can I come too" when I wasn't invited. They may have said no but I don't think she would have and I wouldn't have been left out and still be bitter four years later. Look at it this way, if you ask and they don't let you, it'll hurt your feelings BUT if you don't get to go you're feelings are already going to be hurt so why not take a chance. BTW, they didn't even let us plan the rehearsal dinner. My son said we had spent enough on college and he made more money than we did so he was covering the cost. Could not get him to understand that we WANTED to do it. Speak up but remember, it's the Bride's day. Offer a suggestion here or there and see how they are accepted.
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Post by greenlegume on Jul 21, 2014 0:37:40 GMT
Admittedly, my experiences are colored by the former MIL from hell, but I honestly wouldn't ask. I just think the bride would invite those she really wanted there, and it would be putting her on the spot to ask.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 0:37:48 GMT
Theresa-Interesting! Good advice too. Thank you! They are good with us doing the rehearsal dinner. I do plan on picking my dress. I will make sure the style and color works with what they are doing and respect the style and tone of things. Outdoor wedding, inside reception.
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Jul 21, 2014 0:48:29 GMT
What about reminding your son (or just telling DILTB) that you used to work in bridal and you'd be happy to assist in any way you can "with the process" -- IOW, you make it sound like you know the secret insider stuff that might be helpful to her instead of sounding like you want to be just one more opinion weighing in on what HER dress should be. You can be the secret weapon!
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jul 21, 2014 0:51:41 GMT
I'm really no help lol I have no kids but was married in. 2010 and I have no family so I went alone to all my dress appointments...you could have came with me! I crow each time I went alone seeing others with their people with them.
Good luck!
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 21, 2014 0:59:28 GMT
Admittedly, my experiences are colored by the former MIL from hell, but I honestly wouldn't ask. I just think the bride would invite those she really wanted there, and it would be putting her on the spot to ask. I agree. No matter how the request is made or by whom, the bride is being put in a hard position. Maybe she does not want the MIL along, but now feels she has to because t h e MIL or her fiance e ill be angry. Maybe her mother has been dreaming of picking out the dress with her daughter and now the mom will be mad too. Etc. I really think this is one of those suck it up and smile times.
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Post by SockMonkey on Jul 21, 2014 1:05:39 GMT
Never having been a MOG, can't speak from experience, but if you mentioned wanting to go along to your son, could he suggest his fiancee extend an invitation? Please, please don't. It's not about the MOG. The bride will invite who she feels comfortable inviting. That is a personal, private process that she should not feel pressured about. It's stressful enough, even though it can be fun. Please, if she extends the invite, great, but otherwise, say NOTHING to anyone.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Jul 21, 2014 1:09:28 GMT
Admittedly, my experiences are colored by the former MIL from hell, but I honestly wouldn't ask. I just think the bride would invite those she really wanted there, and it would be putting her on the spot to ask. I agree. No matter how the request is made or by whom, the bride is being put in a hard position. Maybe she does not want the MIL along, but now feels she has to because t h e MIL or her fiance e ill be angry. Maybe her mother has been dreaming of picking out the dress with her daughter and now the mom will be mad too. Etc. I really think this is one of those suck it up and smile times. I agree with this and don't forget, they are going to have a full life together. You will be there for many more special moments. You may get a grand daughter and you'll be able to spoil her with all the dresses and pink that your heart desires. Hold tight, because you've got a beautiful future ahead.
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Post by txdancermom on Jul 21, 2014 1:10:54 GMT
MOG here - wedding is in November - and I think I have the most laid back bride ever! She is so easy going, she and ds are planning (and paying for most of the wedding I think) and they are all on the east coast, and I am in TX. Her mother sent me a picture of her dress when they went shopping, and told me what she got. I wish I could have gone, but she has invited me to be part of a couple other things when we went to visit recently.
since it seems like you live nearby, offer your help with anything wedding - and they may involve you in some of the fun details/activities.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:41:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 1:12:12 GMT
Can you pinpoint why this is such a want? I had no desire to go dress shopping with my future dils. We simply didn't have that mother/daughter intimate relationship. I didn't go with my own daughter either. Mostly because of how far apart we were but it didn't occur to me I should feel ... deprived? Maybe it is because of all the clothes shopping we had done during her teen years and I knew we don't enjoy clothes shopping together.
Clothes shopping with a daughter, especially if you have very divergent tastes and the daughter is highly opinionated isn't always a fun activity that mothers of boys seem to think it is.
My mom made my wedding dress with almost no input from me. Several of my good friends have noted the dress they ended up with wasn't one they liked/felt good in but was one their mom approved of. So to me this whole shopping party seems a bit of a way for a mom to push her own unfulfilled dream wedding on a daughter.
(my daughter and I still don't go clothes shopping together but we do go fabric shopping together sometimes) She got opinionated about what she would/wouldn't wear about age 5. It was rarely anything I thought was cute.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 1:13:06 GMT
SockMonkey-There is a part of me that totally agrees and think that is the safer route. Going to focus on what I can do.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 21, 2014 1:13:44 GMT
Please heed the advice of those saying don't go through your ds to suggest things! My MIL was like this (not in regards to the wedding, but for years afterward.)
She always suggested or went through dh for what she wanted no matter who it involved. It became a huge manipulation on her part and it all ended badly!
While I get where you are coming from, I really think your best bet is to be enthused in anything she has going on and not start making suggestions.
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,276
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:46 GMT
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Post by iowgirl on Jul 21, 2014 1:20:07 GMT
You could put a bug in your DS ear. Tell him you would love to be included, but also that you 100% understand if the bride wants to do somethings with her mother only. Have him mention it to his fiance - but emphasize the "no harm no foul" feelings that you have.
You might not get asked on every trip - but they might love having you along on some of them!
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 1:21:47 GMT
Volt-I bought bridal magazines as a teen, than worked in bridal for a couple years, I watched SYTTD and just love dresses. For many years I only wore dresses and skirts. Sometimes a friend would say that their daughter loved skirts and dresses and would go through phases that it was the only thing they would wear. I always thought oh man I would love to buy all the fun girls skirts and dresses for someone that loved them. It has been something for many years I thought I hope I get to do that someday. I knew it might never happen and I won't let it be a big deal it was just a desire. I would also love to go to the cake testing but I know I won't get invited to that! LOL My son has already said they are going to do that soon. I know the bakery I want to do the dessert for the rehearsal dinner so I will have to do taste test for those. I never had my girl. I had 3 miscarriages and yes, it is painful at times. Not often but sometimes when I see my friends getting to do somethings with their daughters.
NoWomanNocry-I totally would have! I should just work in bridal again. LOL
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Jul 21, 2014 1:23:42 GMT
I've been bridal dress shopping twice - first time with mom and friend, got their opinions and said hell no!!! Took my husband and we chose the dress I pick it up in August since we will be renewing our vows next June - I would have LOVED for my mother in law to go - I value her opinion much more than my mothers - I was too afraid to ask. Wish I knew how to post pictures it really is a beautiful dress.....
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Post by wholarmor on Jul 21, 2014 1:37:28 GMT
I haven't been a MOG, but I have two boys, and I really don't want to be THAT MIL. I never went dress shopping- except to get a dress for my Matron of Honor(the only person in my line), and my mom and MIL lived far away and really weren't involved- except my mom helping me set things up for flowers and our cake and such. My MIL suggested and paid for the venue for the rehearsal dinner, but that was the extent of her involvement(and though she has been a butt-insky in other parts of our marriage, I'm glad she didn't try to take over our wedding). I would just ask her what(if any) involvement she wants you to have in the wedding- that you would love to be there for her as much as she wants, but you don't want to overwhelm her.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 21, 2014 1:40:14 GMT
I would probably slip a comment in with a casual conversation. "I'd love to see you try on dresses." Or "It would be a fun outing." I would be casual and leave it at that. It may not occur to her that you would want to go. Or she may already intend to invite you.
You could also shop for your dress and ask her to come along, along with her mother. It may inspire her to invite you next. I love my MIL and had a great relationship with her even before I was married. But neither her or my mom went dress shopping with me. I worked for a theatre costume shop and made my own dress. But one of the places I went to shop for bridesmaids dresses made me try on dresses before they let the bridesmaids try on dresses. So my one and only time dress shopping was purely accidental. But mom did come when I bought the material and laces for the dress.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jul 21, 2014 1:40:21 GMT
When my youngest DD got married, she, I and my oldest DD went dress shopping. I'm pretty sure the bride would've been fine with her future MIL coming along but as MOB I would've been resentful that she'd ask. It was a special day with just my girls and I wouldn't have wanted to share it. You may not only offend your future DIL by asking to go along, you may also be offending her mother. Do yourself a favor, focus on the Rehearsal dinner and do not ask future DIL or put a bug in your son's ear.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Jul 21, 2014 1:41:39 GMT
I regret not inviting my MIL dress shopping. She has no daughters, so I pray she is still with us when my DD 12 gets married, and she can join us shopping for DD dress.
I wish my DH would have mentioned to me that his mom felt left out by my not inviting her. I would have loved having her there. I thought if she wanted to go, she would have said something. It was the beginning of a lot of unnecessary miscommunication between her and I. I would just casually, in fun, let it be known to DS and FDIL that you are available, and more than happy to go dress shopping. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Jul 21, 2014 1:47:28 GMT
What about sending her a sweet card and inside just writing a kind note and tell her to let you know what she would like you to do to help. It would be a no pressure thing, but just an "I'm excited and willing to do anything that needs to be done".
I'm a mom of only boys and I married an only child. My MIL helped a lot and would do whatever I asked her to do. It was very helpful because my mom isn't crafty. I think as long as you aren't forceful, it would be fine.
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Theresa/TSC
Junior Member
Married to MrNiceGuy
Posts: 77
Jul 14, 2014 1:43:44 GMT
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Post by Theresa/TSC on Jul 21, 2014 1:48:58 GMT
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