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Post by freecharlie on Jul 21, 2014 1:49:56 GMT
I have a great relationship with my MIL...14 years later. At the time, I barely knew her. I think I would have felt a little awkward having her dress shop with me, but had she asked, I would have gladly taken her along on at least ONE dress shopping trip. I'm sorry, but if you can't make that sacrifice, if it is a sacrifice, to include your future MIL in that, what is your relationship going to be like for the entire marriage?
I wouldn't be resentful if I couldn't go and I think it would be babyish for a MOB to be resentful that a MOG went.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,831
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 21, 2014 1:54:34 GMT
Several suggestions for you....
1. Ask her to please go with you to purchase your dress. This might spark the idea. You could even offer to purchase her a rehearsal dress at the same time.
2. What about offering to buy a piece of her wedding attire? Shoes, jewelry, or veil? This would include a shopping trip.
3. If this is a true desire to share this time with a young lady, have you thought about offering your companionship to a future bride with no family/mom? I did not have a mom. Prom dress and wedding dress shopping by yourself seriously sucks. I would have loved for someone to offer to go with me. Might not be your dil, but it is an opportunity to bless a future bride.
4. Could you buy a bridal magazine to look through with her the next time she is over? See what she likes, doesn't like, etc... Just get the thought rolling.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 21, 2014 1:56:33 GMT
My MIL did just what some people here suggested. She had two sons and was sad that she wouldn't get to take a daughter to try on dresses. She hinted about going and put a bug in dh's ear about it. I felt guilted into it and took her. She wasn't terrible or anything, but she we have very different taste and she was meh on the dress that I ended up choosing. And she was a little disappointed that I didn't like the dresses she liked. It colored the experience for me.
Basically, her being there was about having an experience that she wanted, not the experience that I wanted. There are a zillion things you can throw yourself into here in terms of choosing your own dress, planning the rehearsal dinner, etc.; I'd leave this be unless she invites you on her own initiative.
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*Marjorie*
Full Member
Posts: 360
Location: Hawaii
Jun 26, 2014 16:43:45 GMT
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Post by *Marjorie* on Jul 21, 2014 1:56:46 GMT
Admittedly, my experiences are colored by the former MIL from hell, but I honestly wouldn't ask. I just think the bride would invite those she really wanted there, and it would be putting her on the spot to ask. I agree with this. If you ask, even if she wanted to do it with only her Mom, she'll have no choice but to invite you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:46:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 2:02:57 GMT
Honestly, I'd just ask you. You can be sure to include all the necessary disclaimers about how you understand she may want it to be something kept between just her and her mom, but if she's interested, that you would love to be included, too. I disagree that she'll feel obligated to have you along and resent it, and that just asking makes you a pushy person. Letting her know you understand she may not want you there and asking once isn't pushy.
There are things in my life I would have agreed to have other people there for, if they had just asked. There are some things you don't think about inviting people to, because you're afraid of pressuring them.
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Post by SockMonkey on Jul 21, 2014 2:10:29 GMT
I love my MIL, but had she asked to go along, I'd have been disappointed. It was something I wanted to do with MY mom. I'd have agreed for her to come out of a sense of obligation, and I'd have felt uncomfortable changing clothes and stuff in front of her.
I think it's rude to ask/invite yourself. Again - If the bride felt comfortable, she'd ask you. It's not about you.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 21, 2014 2:19:33 GMT
I can see both sides on this. However, I think I would try to let it go. Hopefully you will have a great relationship with her in the future and be included more often. I would not have wanted my MIL there. It was a special day for my mom and me. I would have said yes to my MIL probably and then resented her for asking. What bride is going to say no? Well, a few might, but most would agree just to be nice.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 21, 2014 2:21:12 GMT
I disagree with the last part. I don't think many brides think to ask their MILs.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,812
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 21, 2014 2:24:39 GMT
I'm going to be brutally honest. These types of threads and some of the comments always make me a little sad. I totally get why a bride may want to go shopping only with her mom, and I totally get why a mother of the bride would want to share that special time with her daughter alone.
What I do not get or like are attitudes of "it's the bride's day," or "don't be that mil," and other such things. Why is a wedding only the bride's day? Why does the mother of the groom have to "wear beige" and keep her mouth shut? Her child, her son, is getting married, too.
I will in no way be an overbearing mil because that is just not who I am. I won't ask my son's fiancé's to go dress shopping with them. But, I will admit, that when my sons get married, I do hope that they don't marry someone who just wants me to be dull and wear beige and shut up. I hope that my future daughters in law want me to feel a part of their special day with my son.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 2:27:36 GMT
We do have a good relationship. I think her not including me is either based on that she just wants to do it with her mom and sisters (which I understand) or that she doesn't want to ask me due to that she didn't think about it.
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Post by shevy on Jul 21, 2014 2:31:51 GMT
Ask her simply how you can help. My mil died before I met my DH and I'm sad that I don't get that chance to know him through his mom. I would have loved help from his sister but she wasn't even wanting to be in photos at the wedding. And my mom and I weren't on the best terms. Offer to help and be there for her and she mAy appreciate the offering.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 21, 2014 2:41:56 GMT
I just must not think conventionally at all. I can't even remember who went with me to try on dresses. I may have even gone by myself. I don't think my mom cared to shop with me, but we honestly never had those sweet mother/daughter moments. I never considered it any kind of experience, especially not like what I see on SYTTD. I wish things surrounding weddings were less expectation filled and easier for everyone to enjoy together.
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Post by annabella on Jul 21, 2014 2:45:26 GMT
You always sound very thoughtful and polite on this board, I'm sure there's a nice way of asking her.
Does trying on a wedding dress have to involve getting undressed in front of the people with you?
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Post by tidegirl on Jul 21, 2014 2:48:39 GMT
I haven't been a MOG, but I have two boys, and I really don't want to be THAT MIL. I never went dress shopping- except to get a dress for my Matron of Honor(the only person in my line), and my mom and MIL lived far away and really weren't involved- except my mom helping me set things up for flowers and our cake and such. My MIL suggested and paid for the venue for the rehearsal dinner, but that was the extent of her involvement(and though she has been a butt-insky in other parts of our marriage, I'm glad she didn't try to take over our wedding). I would just ask her what(if any) involvement she wants you to have in the wedding- that you would love to be there for her as much as she wants, but you don't want to overwhelm her.
^^I agree with this.^^ You seem to have a good relationship with your future-dil. Just ask her in general what you can help with and offer to be available. This really doesn't put pressure on her but will let her know they she has an ally and helper when she wants one. This couple is fairly young. She might just not be thinking beyond herself and the wedding (not a bad thing just possibly the reality.) I got married out of college. I was the first person in my family to ever have a formal wedding. I was clueless. I could see myself overlooking simple ways to include others. I have a great relationship with both my mom and mil. I would have been fine having my mil come and help out. Good luck and enjoy this time.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 2:50:24 GMT
Annabella- Thank you! We do have a good relationship and I am grateful for that. I usually have staff help me slip on a dress or zip it up so no I wouldn't be in a room with her if I ever got to go.
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Post by jamielynn on Jul 21, 2014 3:01:11 GMT
I am a lurker here but figured I would post when I had a strong opinion.
I really think you should just ask her. You could do it really tactfully and just mention if she and her mother didn't mind you would really love to join them for one of the appointments. You could mention you totally understand if this is something they want to do on their own too. I am guessing it is just an oversight since you don't seem in this post to be someone with strong opinions that you would give unsolicited.
With that type of request if she felt she had to agree she could just tell you one of the appointments, and if she wanted only try on a dress or two to satisfy you. I am thinking it is probably more an oversight than anything being she sounds busy with school on top of the wedding planning.
I invited my future MIL to come with to one of my appointments. She declined saying she felt it was something I should do alone with my mother as her other children and their spouses just did it alone with their mothers. I really was hurt as my MIL has a wonderful sense of style, and I just think she is a wonderful person. I told my future husband that and he talked to her and said she shouldn't go if she felt uncomfortable, but that I truly wanted her there. We had a really great time with her along.
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Post by annabella on Jul 21, 2014 3:04:16 GMT
Maybe your son could ask her. He can say to her if her answer is no, the conversation is over, she doesn't have to call you or anything and it's no big deal. She only needs to call if she wants to extend an invite.
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Post by annabella on Jul 21, 2014 3:05:24 GMT
My boss had this same issue when her only child, her son got married. She wanted to be involved in wedding planning but wanted to stay in her lane and didn't say anything but was thrilled when her DIL did invite her to something.
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Post by scrappychick on Jul 21, 2014 3:07:25 GMT
Just ask the girl! I love my MIL, and if she had wanted to come dress shopping with me, she would have been more than welcome! You could text her and say that if she wouldn't mind the extra company, that you would love to tag along on the second or third outing. Tell her that you'd love to get her opinion on what you should wear (as I'm sure there will be formal dresses at these shops for you to browse as well), and tell her you totally understand if she wants it to just be her and her mom.
It's silly to think that her dress shopping will somehow be less special if you go. As a bride, I would say why not surround yourself with people who love you? This time isn't just all about the bride. It should be about strengthening the relationship bonds with have with all the new people you're going to be calling family!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:46:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 3:08:42 GMT
Luckily I have 3 daughters and just got to do the dress shopping with my youngest dd. Everyone wanted to go with her but she really wanted to go just the 2 of us. Maybe because she knew it would be a long and tedious process and I know how to shop with her...barely give advice and follow her lead LOL! We snuck away without telling her sisters or friends and then, after we'd narrowed it down to the last 2 or 3, took her sisters to help her decide.
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Post by alicenwonder on Jul 21, 2014 3:09:02 GMT
I didn't know my MIL that well when I was getting married. I would have felt awkward having her there. I really enjoyed it just being my Mom and me. If I had known her well though, I probably would have asked her. She has a daughter, but she isn't likely going to get married. I did ask her to be in the delivery room when all 3 kids were born. I think she would take that over shopping for dresses.
I am kind of back on forth on asking if you can go. Part of me just thinks it is not good manners to ask to be a part of something when you aren't invited. Part of me thinks that if you are close to her and have a good relationship, then asking is ok. Not much help, huh! It is kind of like your best friend...I feel like if my best friend were doing something and I wanted to go, I wouldn't have any problem asking if I could tag along. Casual friends, never.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 21, 2014 3:22:07 GMT
I have only boys and my MIL had only boys. My older BIL got married about 2 years before us and I saw how my MIL felt left out of the planning and made a conscious effort to include her in more. I invited her to go shopping with me for a dress and she declined. However, she did come with me for my first fitting so she could see me in the dress before the wedding. She and I have always gotten along well and I have always tried to include her in things. I am hoping that it comes back around for me in a good way when my sons get married. SIL also has only boys and frequently mentions that she feels badly about how much she excluded our MIL in the early years. It has affected their relationship to this day.
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Post by shannoots on Jul 21, 2014 3:29:47 GMT
I honestly don't get why people feel they have to tip-toe around their daughters in law? Maybe it's because I have a wonderful mother in law and I think my own mom is a great MIL. If you have a good relationship with her already, why not just ask? I would've been happy to include my MIL when I picked out my dress. My SIL invited her bridesmaids, mom, & MIL's (she has 2 due to a remarriage). We made a day out of it and went to lunch after. It was a fun day that we all enjoyed.
One thing I would add is not to be too opinionated about the dresses. You never know what dress she might fall in love with. My SIL picked out a dress that wasn't necessarily my favorite but it didn't matter because she loved it. Just go along for the ride and enjoy the time together, if you go.
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Post by *KatyCupcake* on Jul 21, 2014 3:38:38 GMT
Knowing my future MIL had only sons, I was very aware to invite her along whenever I invited my own mom. I hope your future DIL pays attention to your feelings and chooses to have you come along. Just let her know you're so excited to have her become your DIL and are willing to help her in any way she'll have you.
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Post by omarakbt on Jul 21, 2014 3:48:35 GMT
You might ask if she'd like to help you select a MOG dress when she and her mom are selecting their dresses so that you know long, short, color etc. Or just if she would like to go with you shopping for your MOG dress and that might allow her to invite you to go with them. My DD only had me and her bride's maids along to select her dress. I can't tell you if her MIL wanted to be included or not. The MIL and I did discuss long/short and colors once DD had selected her colors
Diane
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Post by Karene on Jul 21, 2014 3:50:44 GMT
I didn't go dress shopping with my mom because she made my dress. I guess we went pattern shopping. I have to say that I didn't invite my mother in law to help with the wedding. I didn't even think about it. Maybe because my parent were paying and I never heard of anyone doing it.(This was 30 years ago.) My mother in law has no girls in the family, just 3 sons and 5 grandsons and 1 great grandson.
I don't believe it is the bride's day. It is a wedding which means it is at least two people's day. Bride and groom. My husband says that there may as well just be a cardboard cutout of the groom for all the input he often gets.
I am the mother of two sons and no daughters as well, so I am in the same position.
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Post by Heart on Jul 21, 2014 3:53:00 GMT
If I had it to do over again, I would have asked my MIL to help me with my dress choice. I would have asked ANYONE to help me with my dress choice. I looked through a bridal magazine, found a dress and told my mom that I liked it but didn't know if I could find it in my size. (I was a big girl even then)
She offered to make it, sight unseen. No one but me had seen it. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dress- I just could have done things differently. My MIL only has sons, and I know she wanted to be included. I was just too young and clueless to get the hints she was sending.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 21, 2014 3:54:29 GMT
We do have a good relationship. I think her not including me is either based on that she just wants to do it with her mom and sisters (which I understand) or that she doesn't want to ask me due to that she didn't think about it. Has she been shopping at all yet? Can you ask her about it? Maybe any conversation about the wedding could lead to an opening for her to ask you if she has forgotten.
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Post by fruitysuet on Jul 21, 2014 13:31:52 GMT
Clothes shopping with a daughter, especially if you have very divergent tastes and the daughter is highly opinionated isn't always a fun activity that mothers of boys seem to think it is. And that is the truth! I've been married over 25 years and can't remember if I even invited my own mum to go gown shopping with me. I think maybe I did have one day with both mum and MIL but the day I actually chose the dress I wore it was just me and my BFF (chief bridesmaid). Given how overbearing my own mum can be with her attitude and totally a bitch if you disagree with her I am pretty sure I went for the one day with them both just as a day out but with no expectation of getting the actual dress on that day. ETA my MIL only had boys too. Both sets of parents came to check out the reception venue as they were both paying (my parents for afternoon, formal, and inlaws for evening, informal). Everything else we bought and paid for ourselves and didn't include anyone else in the choosing. It's pretty stressful choosing 'the right gown' and I just didn't want to feel that I was trying to please anyone else but myself. I am not good at confrontation and would easily give way to my mum just to keep the peace. Are they having a honeymoon, is she having a 'going away outfit'? Perhaps you could suggest a shopping day based on other things apart from 'the dress'?
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Post by Anne-Marie on Jul 21, 2014 14:27:13 GMT
Several suggestions for you.... 1. Ask her to please go with you to purchase your dress. This might spark the idea. You could even offer to purchase her a rehearsal dress at the same time. 2. What about offering to buy a piece of her wedding attire? Shoes, jewelry, or veil? This would include a shopping trip. 3. If this is a true desire to share this time with a young lady, have you thought about offering your companionship to a future bride with no family/mom? I did not have a mom. Prom dress and wedding dress shopping by yourself seriously sucks. I would have loved for someone to offer to go with me. Might not be your dil, but it is an opportunity to bless a future bride. 4. Could you buy a bridal magazine to look through with her the next time she is over? See what she likes, doesn't like, etc... Just get the thought rolling. These are some really sweet suggestions that I never would've thought of. I love the first two ideas in particular. When I went wedding dress shopping I went with my mom and two close friends. My (at the time) future MIL was mother to two boys, no girls. I don't remember asking her to shop with us and I feel bad about that now. It likely would have meant a great deal to her to be included. She lived 5 hours away and maybe that played a role in her not going with us, or maybe it was because I didn't invite her, I am not sure. I think it would be ok if you just mentioned to her that you would love to be involved in any part of the experience that she and her mom would be comfortable with. Even if it's just texting you photos of the dresses as she is trying them on. Just show her you're excited about her becoming a part of your family and that you will be thrilled to be as involved as she would like.
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