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Post by tamiq on Jul 21, 2014 21:15:31 GMT
I have 2 daughters and 2 sons. That said, I agree with voltagain that dress shopping with mine is not something I would look forward to. haha
I would not have minded my MIL coming with me at ALL. I asked both of my daughters and both said they probably wouldn't think to ask future MIL but they wouldn't mind either. Then my oldest DD (20's) put it out on her twitter and every single one of her friends so far agreed it would not be a problem. Take it as you will.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jul 21, 2014 21:33:15 GMT
On the one hand, maybe she doesn't want a gaggle of people coming along, kwim? I bought my dress alone. No one else came with me. I didn't want any input. I was going to get what I liked as quickly as possible, and be done with it. On the other hand, neither my mom nor my MIL ever asked to go any of the big places with me (or us). I would never have guessed that they wanted to go. I barely wanted to go.  I wanted to get married, but the wedding was just a never-ending to-do list for me.  And my MIL's only daughter planned her entire wedding over the phone from 6 states away. Arrived with her dress and everything else was ready and waiting, so my MIL didn't go with her, either. So I really hope my MIL wasn't really wishing to go along dress shopping with anyone.  That's how I felt about the dress thing. I went with nontraditional. My mom did go with me. She likes to shop and normally I found no joy in clothes shopping. I always felt I had to pick something because she insisted. I did not feel that way with my dress. I think I wanted nontraditional because I felt that all the planning was a chore. The less to plan and worry about, the better. My bridesmaid picked her own dress and color. I wanted her to have something that she might wear again since I had a closet of 6 dresses that were worn once. The moms picked what they wanted. I wouldn't have thought to ask my MIL, but she wouldn't have gone. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 21, 2014 22:00:38 GMT
IMO, by texting that she had set some dates, she opened the door for you to say, "That sounds like so much fun. I would love to see you try on dresses. I promise I won't be offended if you want to keep it to just you and your mom though."
Thinking back, it never would have occurred to me to ask my future MIL, but I wouldn't have had any objection to her coming.
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Post by Scrapbrat on Jul 21, 2014 22:15:19 GMT
Honestly, if she's texting you to let you know she made some appointments for dress shopping, I think you have a close enough relationship to just ask. She has THREE appointments already set. I have a hard time believing she wouldn't welcome you at at least one of them.
OP, on this board, you seem like one of the nicest,kindest, most caring people ever. I can't imagine she would be offended or feel obligated if you ask.
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Post by jackie on Jul 22, 2014 16:33:12 GMT
I disagree with all of those that are saying "don't ask" or "if she wanted you to come she would have already extended the invitation". When I was a bride, I would not have assumed that my future MIL would want to go shopping with me. I wouldn't have asked her because I wouldn't have wanted to put HER on the spot, thinking that now that I asked she has to go otherwise she'll offend me or hurt my feelings. So now we have all of these people pussyfooting around each other thinking they shouldn't ask this or that because it will put someone on the spot. In the end, it could be a missed opportunity. I feel that as long as you frame your offer the right way AND you have a good relationship with your future DIL, you should be fine. If you let her know you would love to shop for dresses with her but if she wants to just experience this with her mother/sister/etc. you COMPLETELY understand and you will absolutely not be offended, what could be the harm in that? My gosh, people can say "no" nicely as adults and as adults we can accept "no" nicely.
I strongly urge you to ask if this is something you really want to do.
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Post by cropduster on Jul 22, 2014 17:28:36 GMT
I haven't read all the replies. Has anyone suggested that maybe go to one of the dress fittings? My niece I believe had something like three dress fittings. That way you can kind feel a part of things, but she will have the dress already picked out.
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Post by manda on Jul 22, 2014 17:56:29 GMT
One of my friends is planning a wedding next year with an only child (boy). She had 2 appointments for trying on dresses one day last month and included her MIL to be. MIL told son who asked her. But the women in his world (and hers) are much more vocal about these things. She was not insulted in the least. Same thing with one of my sisters several years ago. Except she married an adopted only child. My sister didn't want a wedding ceremony at all, especially in a church, but she did so because it was important to her future MIL and she didn't feel strongly enough about it either way. To my sister, she accepted that the wedding was a ceremony of joining two families and she included all of us, yet kept it simple. |
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Post by SabrinaM on Jul 22, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
I would probably slip a comment in with a casual conversation. "I'd love to see you try on dresses." Or "It would be a fun outing." I would be casual and leave it at that. It may not occur to her that you would want to go. Or she may already intend to invite you. This is exactly what I was thinking! Mention it to her once and then let it go. |
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miamimere
New Member
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Post by miamimere on Jul 22, 2014 18:51:04 GMT
I am kinda surprised by all the responses telling you to keep your mouth shut and butt out. She opened the door by texting you about the appointments. She may think that being a mother of boys, you wouldn't be interested in going dress shopping. I love my MIL and had her at my dress fitting with my MOH, mom, and other friend. I think it's perfectly fine to reply back that you would love to go but understand if she would prefer a smaller forum. Good luck, exciting year ahead!!! |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 22, 2014 18:59:29 GMT
When my youngest DD got married, she, I and my oldest DD went dress shopping. I'm pretty sure the bride would've been fine with her future MIL coming along but as MOB I would've been resentful that she'd ask. It was a special day with just my girls and I wouldn't have wanted to share it. You may not only offend your future DIL by asking to go along, you may also be offending her mother. Do yourself a favor, focus on the Rehearsal dinner and do not ask future DIL or put a bug in your son's ear. I was thinking that I wouldn't have minded if my mil had asked to come, but now that I read this, ITA. I think my mom would've felt a little disappointed. And I look forward to this with my 4 daughters. That being said, if one of my future in-laws had only boys, I would understand that she'd love to do this at some point and might encourage my dd to ask if she'd like to go. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 22, 2014 19:04:12 GMT
So you are saying that if for one day the future MIL came along you'd be resentful? We're not even talking about the first one, but just one.
Out of curiosity are you also going to be resentful when the couple goes to his parents house for holidays or gets to hold the baby first or babysit first...
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Post by kelbel827 on Jul 22, 2014 19:04:40 GMT
I get where you don't want to step on toes. That being said, if you want to go with her, then say something. She's not a mind reader, and she may think that since you didn't say anything, that you aren't interested. I think if she's texted you the appt times, then that's an open door to say something. She wouldn't have told you if she didn't want you to know. I would be honest, exactly as you have told us. You have all boys and you never got to go dress shopping. You won't know if you don't ask.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 22, 2014 19:08:11 GMT
My mother wanted to be in the delivery room and pouted and brought it up over and over. I remained firm in my "Just DH and I." She was sad about it because her sister was in the room for all of her grandchildren, but I didn't want it. If it is something you REALLY don't want to do. You say no and you stick to it. Certain things, like 1st sonograms and births can't be done multiple times. I think the way your daughter handled it was great, although I probably would have lied and told her we weren't going to find out the gender My mother did too. I was like "no freaking way." She gave me grief when I was in labor: "Would you stop pacing around like a tiger? You're making me anxious!" Oh, REALLY? I am 11 days overdue with a human being inside me, trying to get out. Sorry, I'm "pacing." Sorry, I'm "making YOU anxious!" What can I do to make this easier for you??!?!?! Wow - that was 22 years ago and it still rubs me raw!!!  |
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,943
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Jul 22, 2014 19:12:16 GMT
You could also shop for your dress and ask her to come along, along with her mother. It may inspire her to invite you next.
I think this is a great approach! Plus it gets you to dress shopping for yourself way early! 
Congrats to your families!
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 22, 2014 19:16:27 GMT
Free Charlie is that question to me?
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 22, 2014 19:39:13 GMT
Free Charlie is that question to me? No, I posted because you quoted the quote and I was too lazy to find the original quote. Honestly it was posed to anyone who would be peeved that a MIL got to go dress shopping with the BTB |
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Post by picotjo on Jul 22, 2014 19:50:01 GMT
I feel very blessed. My DIL invited me to go dress shopping with her without her mom. I felt sooo special because she did We shopped all day and she hadn't found anything she really loved and we were on our way home when we passed a very upscale store I had prom dressed shopped at with my DD. In the window was a huge SALE sign! We stopped and she ended up finding two she loved. She called her mom, who had been working, to come to the store and she tried them on for her mom. Her mom bought her the dress she loved best! It made me feel awesome to be included and I can't thank her enough for including me! She is a very special young woman. |
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 22, 2014 20:06:06 GMT
Freecharlie-OK, I wasn't sure. They have been together for 4 years so we all take turns with holidays and it has always worked great. I am divorced from my boys dad so I am used to being flexible and open to whatever works and we can gather.
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Post by maryland on Jul 22, 2014 20:24:21 GMT
I have all girls, and I always wanted a boy too (how perfect it would be to have both!). So I understand only being able to see one "side" of the wedding. My husband and I will miss out on all the groom stuff since we don't have a son to share it with. I never thought to ask my mil to dress shop with me as I wouldn't have thought she would be interested (we get along great, just didn't occur to me as she isn't my mother). My husband never thought to ask my dad to go with him to look at tuxes either, just he and his dad did it.
I think that maybe the next time you talk to her, tell her how excited you are and if she would like you to come along, you would love too. Tell her you will be there for support only and will give you opinion only if she asks. Maybe even include her dad in the stuff that your son is doing (tuxes, etc.). That way she will feel that your son is including her dad and that may make her happy and be excited to include you too.
Congratulations on the wedding! And that's great that you like the woman your son is marrying and her family. I bet that makes it easier.
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kay2rn
Junior Member
Posts: 67
Location: Wisconsin
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Post by kay2rn on Jul 24, 2014 2:53:41 GMT
My son just got married in May. He's an only child. The bride invited me, her mother and her two grandmothers to go shopping for a wedding dress. At first I thought it odd that I would be asked, but I am glad I went along! We had a wonderful time! They paid for the wedding themselves, and I was not consulted on anything. But that's ok because it was THEIR wedding.
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sabmom
Shy Member
Posts: 18
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Post by sabmom on Jul 24, 2014 6:26:02 GMT
My MIL did just what some people here suggested. She had two sons and was sad that she wouldn't get to take a daughter to try on dresses. She hinted about going and put a bug in dh's ear about it. I felt guilted into it and took her. She wasn't terrible or anything, but she we have very different taste and she was meh on the dress that I ended up choosing. And she was a little disappointed that I didn't like the dresses she liked. It colored the experience for me. Basically, her being there was about having an experience that she wanted, not the experience that I wanted. There are a zillion things you can throw yourself into here in terms of choosing your own dress, planning the rehearsal dinner, etc.; I'd leave this be unless she invites you on her own initiative. I agree with this. I did not even think to take my MIL dress shopping. It was an event for me, my mom and my close friends. They know me and my taste and could provide useful input to my choice. Plus I just felt more comfortable around them if you kwim. I think that if there is something you are passionate about (dessert or flowers or such) maybe you DS can plant a bug for that. But I do think that you shouldn't pressure the dress invite. If it comes, great. If not, maybe a niece or a granddaughter down the road. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Post by *KatyCupcake* on Jul 24, 2014 15:37:00 GMT
I think the desire for me would be to want to go with my son to help him pick a tux. He's the one I will have raised, not her. I mean, dresses are more fun? Is that why so many MILs want to go? Because then it's not about the relationship at all; it's about how dresses are more fun and prettier than tuxes. A bride is going to want her mother or friends or sisters there because the relationship is that they have a history and now are sharing a milestone in their life together. I would want to also share that milestone---with my son. While I get what you're saying, I have yet to attend a wedding where everyone stands to watch as the groom comes down the aisle. Every wedding I've been to has people gushing over the bride's dress. And I also can't recall the last time I went to a wedding where the groom wore a true tux. Most men buy nice suits far more often in their lifespan than a woman buys a wedding dress. Obviously the goal is to only even need to buy ONE wedding dress in your lifetime. Doesn't always turn out that way, but the point is that even men rent/wear tuxes for many occasions besides a wedding. Many men wear dressy suits every work day. Wedding dresses are absolutely more special than a tux or suit. But I do agree that it's not about the article of clothing so much as it is the relationship you're building and growing. I think inviting my MIL along to look at dresses was something that helped me form a stronger relationship with her and let her know I was aware of her role in raising my future husband and appreciative of her support in our marriage. |
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Jul 24, 2014 23:18:14 GMT
I've already posted but would love to give you another opinion. DH and I are renewing our vows next year - I took my mother and a friend dress shopping with me. My mother chose a dress and said - that is more like you. I'm like hell no, it is NOTHING even close to being like me. Then she told the friend I took along, there are better things I would be spending my money on. My mother in law is 70 years old, my dress shopping is an hour away. DH and I went back and chose a dress we love and I would have absolutely LOVED to have MIL along. Here is the kicker - I was AFRAID TO ASK HER ALONG!!!! I have been married to my husband for 12.5 years, but I was afraid that she might tell me no.  .Her opinion means a hell of a lot more than my mothers. I just really wish I'd asked. I just want to give you my opinion. She may actually want you there, but not know how to ask. |
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Post by tiggerpooh2380 on Jul 25, 2014 0:14:53 GMT
My sister invited her MIL to come to the dress shopping, she also has 3 boys no girls, so my sister knew she would love that. I don't think I would ask or get someone else to ask. But I don't think I be opposed to saying something along the lines of, I am so excited for you, if I had a girl I know I would love watching the dress modeling, or something, maybe then she will think that it might be something you like.
Some may think that is fishing for an invitation, so it may not work for you.
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I wanted to get married, but the wedding was just a never-ending to-do list for me. 
.Her opinion means a hell of a lot more than my mothers. I just really wish I'd asked. I just want to give you my opinion. She may actually want you there, but not know how to ask.