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Post by khaleesi on Jul 21, 2014 14:29:18 GMT
Speaking from the side of the former bride as well as the step-mom to the groom. As the former bride:I would ask her. If you don't, or she picks out her dress before you can ask then I would just see about planning a time to go have lunch together and have her go with you when you pick out your dress. You could also take her bridal errand shopping. My MIL was the only one that went with me when I went dress shopping. I wanted my own mom there but she lives several thousand miles away and I do not have sisters. I like my MIL and I knew it would mean the world to her to go with me and it did. It also gave us the chance to get to know each other a little better. She brought her camera along to take pictures to send to my mom because she didn't want my mom to feel like she was being excluded because of distance. It actually worked really well and my MIL and I have a good relationship. I think we would regardless of wedding dress shopping, but I know it gave us time to be alone and get to know each other. As the step-mom to the groom:I was invited/asked to go shopping with now step-DIL because she knew her mom would have no interest. It actually turned out that the day before we were going to go, her mom decided to come around. I just stepped aside and let them do their thing. She did text me that day with a picture which I thought was really sweet. I also took her to lunch and ran errands with her to pick up things for the ceremony and reception. I told her up front that I would be as involved or un-involved as she wanted. It actually worked well that she wanted me to to be involved because we lost my FIL three days before the wedding. I was able to keep things moving during that time as a result. Can you also check in with her to make sure she has her something old, new, borrowed, and blue if she wants to do that? That was a bonding moment with my now step-DIL when I was able to loan her the little wrist purse I used for my wedding. It made me tear up when I saw her carrying it down the aisle. That got really wordy I hope that you will have a good relationship with your future DIL, too
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Post by mrscraftyadams on Jul 21, 2014 14:43:27 GMT
I got married about 3 years ago. Dress shopping was something I wanted to do only with my mom... she and I are brutally honest with each other regarding clothes, and I knew she would tell me the truth about the dresses. She actually ended up picking my dress... I hadn't noticed it in the catalog, but she asked the sales lady to bring it to me and it was the one!
It was nothing personal against my future MIL to not ask her to go dress shopping with me. I did try to include her on some things and keep her posted on decisions I made. I emailed her, brought her things to show her, etc. I didn't know until right before the wedding that apparently she would have liked to be more included. She never asked questions or offered suggestions, so I thought she was fine with whatever I picked. It would have been better for me to involve her with more things, or ask her opinion, instead of just keeping her updated. But I also wish she had expressed her interest earlier so I would have known!
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 21, 2014 14:46:35 GMT
I loved my mother in law dearly, but it never occurred to me to ask her to go shopping for the wedding dress with me. My mom and my brother's wife went with me and it is one of the most precious memories I have of time with my mother. The three of us had a wonderful time that day. (Probably in large part due to the fact that I purchased the second dress I tried on).
I'm just not one of those people that wanted to have a whole posse of people go shopping with me. I'm not shy, but I don't enjoy trying on clothes in front of a lot of people, and I really only wanted to hear my mother and sister-in-law's opinion of what I was trying on.
After I was married, my mother in law and I went shopping together often and I have many wonderful memories of those times. However, I don't regret not asking her to go with me to shop for my wedding dress. That was time I wanted to spend with my mother and sister in law. I honestly don't think there is anything selfish about that.
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Post by shanni on Jul 21, 2014 15:29:12 GMT
I would just ask her what(if any) involvement she wants you to have in the wedding- that you would love to be there for her as much as she wants, but you don't want to overwhelm her. ITA agree with this. I think it's the perfect way to let her know that you would like to be involved without being pushy. If you have a good relationship with her, she will know that it comes from a place of love and being excited for the both of them, not that you are trying to insert yourself where you are not wanted. When I was engaged I went to several different shops as well, and invited my MIL to go with us to one of them. She was very good to discretely step out of the room when it was time for me to change into or out of a dress, and ask me what I thought of the dress rather than giving her opinion. I am glad that I invited her to go along. I am also glad that I didn't ask her to go to ALL the shops with us. My mom is a very practical, "let's get this done" type woman. I knew that dress shopping was going to be somewhat stressful with my own mom, and didn't want to add too much to that. So if she doesn't want you going to certain things with her, know that it may have more to do with her relationship with her own mother than her relationship to you. (FTR, I absolutely love my mom, I just knew how things would be by the third dress shop! lol!) I think that the way we treated each other with mutual respect while planning the wedding helped set the tone for the relationship we have now. I absolutely love my MIL and couldn't ask for a better one!
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,039
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jul 21, 2014 15:32:34 GMT
My best friend's son is getting married next month. The bride texted a bunch of wedding dress pics and asked opinions from her on her first unofficial dress try on trip and invited my friend to go with on the real trip. They have a good relationship. So it's not out of the norm.
Since cel you have a good relationship maybe you could ask if she would be willing to text you some pictures of some of the dresses. That seems pretty unobtrusive and you would be included and it might even clue her in that you are really interested and maybe she just hasn't thought to invite you.
I also like like the idea of asking your son to check with her - then it doesn't put her directly on the spot.
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Post by swtpeasmom on Jul 21, 2014 15:36:22 GMT
I haven't read all the responses yet, but if she actually texted you to say she has set three appts for dress shopping, than I'm guessing she wouldn't mind at all having you there!
If you both get along well, as it seems you do, I don't see a problem if you ask her (not your son) if you might be able to tag along the next time.
Honestly, I never even thought to ask my MIL to go with my Mom and I, and wouldn't have minded at all if she had come!
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 15:37:51 GMT
I sent her an email letting her know that I would love to help or be part of anything that she wanted me to be. We text and email often and that just seemed the better route instead of calling her. We just had them over before we left town and my son is out of town this week so I don't think I will be seeing her in the near future.
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conchita
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Posts: 3,141
Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Jul 21, 2014 15:39:46 GMT
My family is in the midst of this right now. My brother is getting married this winter to an amazingly lovely girl. I haven't met her in person yet, only spent hours on the phone bonding and laughing. So my Mom and I are trying to gauge how much or how little we are going to be involved in the preparation. I know my Mom and I would love to be there when she goes dress shopping but I also know she may feel self conscious. So I'm just being as upfront as I can be with her. I told her if she wants my help, or my support when she goes shopping or whatever I'd love to take part. So, offer her your support and presence at whatever event she'll have you take part in. I also plan on inviting her out with my Mom and I when we go dress/shoe shopping. We have every intention of spoiling, bribing and treating her like she's been a part of the family forever.
Personally, I think it's wonderful that you want to partake and support her. That would have meant the world to me to have a MIL who accepted me. I didn't meet my MIL until the day of my wedding. She was dressed completely in black. In every photo she was scowling. She's never meet her grandsons and they're teenagers now. We all missed out on that relationship because she's a very hard and demanding woman. So keep your heart and your arms open to your new DIL. Celebrate the moments you do get and let the rest go.
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Post by deshacrafts on Jul 21, 2014 15:57:02 GMT
When my DD got married her hubby to be only has a brother, so I told her (my DD) that it would be nice if we invited her future MIL to come with us dress shopping. She declined, but I felt good that we had asked. I hope that when my DS gets married I am able to participate, but will certainly leave that up to the bride.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:43:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 15:59:52 GMT
I agree. No matter how the request is made or by whom, the bride is being put in a hard position. Maybe she does not want the MIL along, but now feels she has to because t h e MIL or her fiance e ill be angry. Maybe her mother has been dreaming of picking out the dress with her daughter and now the mom will be mad too. Etc. I really think this is one of those suck it up and smile times. Most of us spend a lifetime raising our children with the notion that life is not fair and we can't always have what we want. Well, that goes for adults as well. This is one of those times. The bride has already told you she's scheduled 3 appointments - and didn't mention you coming along. That is your answer right there. Sorry that you are disappointed, but you should focus on what you can do & be involved in and let this go. Whatever you do, do not mention this to the groom or the bride. ITA
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tduby1
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Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 21, 2014 16:02:27 GMT
I have a great relationship with my MIL...14 years later. At the time, I barely knew her. I think I would have felt a little awkward having her dress shop with me, but had she asked, I would have gladly taken her along on at least ONE dress shopping trip. I'm sorry, but if you can't make that sacrifice, if it is a sacrifice, to include your future MIL in that, what is your relationship going to be like for the entire marriage? I wouldn't be resentful if I couldn't go and I think it would be babyish for a MOB to be resentful that a MOG went. With age, this is how I see it. With my own wedding, nearly 20 years ago, it just didn't occur to me to invite my MIL, who I have grown to love dearly. Had my DH suggested it, I would have been more than happy to and knowing her the way I do now, I know she would have been so honored. My own mother was invited and went grudgingly. I ended up with a dress I hated but she paid for because she was like, "just pick one already, here this one" at the first and only store we went to. But she was a bit more present in my wedding planning then my younger sisters, I will say. I have 12 siblings, I am smack in the middle. I am one of 6 girls and the first daughter to have a big wedding. Each daughter to marry after got less and less of my mom's attention until she was flat out bored and sick of wedding planning. My poor youngest sister will get nothing but a check! Now, her boys were/ are a different story! She's all up in their wedding planning, mostly as a power struggle between her and the future DIL's! Sometimes, she's crazy but we all love her, even the DIL's, lol.
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Post by KikiPea on Jul 21, 2014 16:05:10 GMT
I wasn't able to ask my MIL to go with us because I had my dress before I started dating my DH...I was NOT engaged before him, but I thought it was coming. My bad. :-P. (LONG story) That was one part of our wedding I didn't even deal with while planning. Not sure I would have even thought about her wanting to come unless she had asked. The question would not have bothered me in the least. It's just a question. If I wanted it to just be me and my mom, I would have told her that, but I would have had no problem with her coming. I didn't go with her when she picked out her dress either. Again, wasn't even a thought that crossed my 22 yr old mind.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 21, 2014 16:05:45 GMT
3. If this is a true desire to share this time with a young lady, have you thought about offering your companionship to a future bride with no family/mom? I did not have a mom. Prom dress and wedding dress shopping by yourself seriously sucks. I would have loved for someone to offer to go with me. Might not be your dil, but it is an opportunity to bless a future bride. Awww, this is the second time I have seen this sentiment in this thread and it made me tear up both times. It also prompts me to view my less than perfect dress shopping experience with my mom nearly 20 years ago in a more positive way.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 16:14:45 GMT
tduby1-I would love to do so. In tears just reading it. I would gladly help pay for a dress too. One time a mentor in my life was writing little quotes and expressions about a group of us that she had walked with and the one she wrote for me said, She loved to belong.....it was enough. I don't run a show, be center stage or lead. I am not outspoken, controlling or dominate. I just like to be apart. I know that doesn't always happen in life and that is reality. This was one time I really hoped to be but I will find other ways to be and that do work.
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Post by cade387 on Jul 21, 2014 16:15:35 GMT
I agree with this. I would (as it sounds like you have) offer to help as little or as much as she wants. Then sit back. If she doesn't invite you dress shopping maybe ask if you can go to one of her fittings just to see it before the wedding. Seeing her come out of the room with her dress (especially when it is HER dress, not a store one) will be special too.
My boys are still very young (both under 3) but I'm trying to read this post as you because when I realized I wasn't going to have a girl this is one thing that upset me a lot - not being able to be involved in the wedding planning. I will always be the MOG and not the MOB. It makes me sad sometimes still, but I know I will get over it. I just hope to be able to help in some way when/if my boys decide to get married.
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tduby1
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Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 21, 2014 16:17:22 GMT
What I do not get or like are attitudes of "it's the bride's day," or "don't be that mil," and other such things. Why is a wedding only the bride's day? Why does the mother of the groom have to "wear beige" and keep her mouth shut? Her child, her son, is getting married, too. Yeah, I really don't get this either. It is the groom's day as well! If my DH had suggested I take his mom cause it would make her happy... Or if she would have asked, I would have said of course. It just didn't occur to me, then. I don't think she was hurt, as her own daughter had married about 9 months earlier but I know she would have been honored. And frankly, it was his wedding, too, so his mom being happy was *just as important as me! IMO. But then I was the girl who had a non- alcohol wedding simply because my parents were more comfortable inviting their church friends. Other than my dress, we paid for our entire wedding and I was under no obligation (and thus far have been the only of my siblings) to do so. I just didn't feel any of those, "but I am the BRIDE" feelings. The day equally belonged to our parents, in my mind.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 21, 2014 16:21:42 GMT
tduby1-I would love to do so. In tears just reading it. I would gladly help pay for a dress too. One time a mentor in my life was writing little quotes and expressions about a group of us that she had walked with and the one she wrote for me said, She loved to belong.....it was enough. I don't run a show, be center stage or lead. I am not outspoken, controlling or dominate. I just like to be apart. I know that doesn't always happen in life and that is reality. This was one time I really hoped to be but I will find other ways to be and that do work. It was actually tanktop who made that wonderful suggestion. I quoted it.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 21, 2014 16:27:17 GMT
I am a lurker here but figured I would post when I had a strong opinion. I really think you should just ask her. You could do it really tactfully and just mention if she and her mother didn't mind you would really love to join them for one of the appointments. You could mention you totally understand if this is something they want to do on their own too. I am guessing it is just an oversight since you don't seem in this post to be someone with strong opinions that you would give unsolicited. With that type of request if she felt she had to agree she could just tell you one of the appointments, and if she wanted only try on a dress or two to satisfy you. I am thinking it is probably more an oversight than anything being she sounds busy with school on top of the wedding planning. I invited my future MIL to come with to one of my appointments. She declined saying she felt it was something I should do alone with my mother as her other children and their spouses just did it alone with their mothers. I really was hurt as my MIL has a wonderful sense of style, and I just think she is a wonderful person. I told my future husband that and he talked to her and said she shouldn't go if she felt uncomfortable, but that I truly wanted her there. We had a really great time with her along. Well, I am wordy on this subject... But I wonder how many opportunities like this are missed due to an odd sense of tradition?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:43:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 16:33:08 GMT
I have never once seen anyone say this.
I have however, seen the person who posted that, post it more than once, and I question whether that was ever said to her. Even if it was, that was ONE instance of it happening. That hardly makes it the prevailing attitude.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 21, 2014 16:34:48 GMT
You're right, the bride and her mother should suck it up and smile and let the MIL come along to one of the three appointments. I'll tell you what, why doesn't the bride have no opinion in the choosing of the tuxes and the MOG and the groom can go to that and pick out what every they like.
Oh and maybe the future DIL told the MIL about the appointments as an opening. The return text should have said, "how exciting. would you like me to join you for one?"
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 21, 2014 16:40:01 GMT
For the record I am not wearing beige!!!!
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Post by hop2 on Jul 21, 2014 16:42:15 GMT
When my niece, who I am very close to, got married I said " I am here if you need me, need help, need company etc. These are my talents and the ways I can help XYZ… If you wish for help ask for it, but I will be fine and totally uninsulted if you do not." She mostly did not ask, but she did call me about 2 weeks before in a panic about something and I did help her with it. And she thanked me for being so laid back.
I may be wrong, but I see no impropriety in offering her your company if at some point if she would like it, but also assure her you are totally flexible or something like that.
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Post by melanell on Jul 21, 2014 16:54:44 GMT
On the one hand, maybe she doesn't want a gaggle of people coming along, kwim? I bought my dress alone. No one else came with me. I didn't want any input. I was going to get what I liked as quickly as possible, and be done with it. On the other hand, neither my mom nor my MIL ever asked to go any of the big places with me (or us). I would never have guessed that they wanted to go. I barely wanted to go. I wanted to get married, but the wedding was just a never-ending to-do list for me. And my MIL's only daughter planned her entire wedding over the phone from 6 states away. Arrived with her dress and everything else was ready and waiting, so my MIL didn't go with her, either. So I really hope my MIL wasn't really wishing to go along dress shopping with anyone.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Jul 21, 2014 17:28:07 GMT
My DD only wanted me to dress shop with her. After selecting her dress, she took future MIL and step-MIL to see the dress and tried it on for them.
Hijack: When DD and her DH had their first baby, MIL asked to go to the gender reveal sono with them. My DD called me in tears because she wanted it to be done with just her and DH present. However, she agreed to let MIL come along because she didn't want to hurt her feelings. DD and DH ended up going to a sono place a few days before the "real" one so they could find out the gender privately. It worked out great for both sides. They got to know the gender first and MIL got to be included.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 21, 2014 19:13:32 GMT
My mother wanted to be in the delivery room and pouted and brought it up over and over. I remained firm in my "Just DH and I." She was sad about it because her sister was in the room for all of her grandchildren, but I didn't want it. If it is something you REALLY don't want to do. You say no and you stick to it. Certain things, like 1st sonograms and births can't be done multiple times. I think the way your daughter handled it was great, although I probably would have lied and told her we weren't going to find out the gender
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 22:43:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 19:18:27 GMT
I regret not inviting my MIL dress shopping. She has no daughters, so I pray she is still with us when my DD 12 gets married, and she can join us shopping for DD dress.
I wish my DH would have mentioned to me that his mom felt left out by my not inviting her. I would have loved having her there. I thought if she wanted to go, she would have said something. It was the beginning of a lot of unnecessary miscommunication between her and I. I would just casually, in fun, let it be known to DS and FDIL that you are available, and more than happy to go dress shopping. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Exactly this. It actually may not have occurred to her to ask....Especially since she has 3 appts....perhaps you could go to one....It really is both the bride and the grooms day...and I think everyone's feelings should count.
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Post by melanell on Jul 21, 2014 19:24:21 GMT
What I do not get or like are attitudes of "it's the bride's day," or "don't be that mil," and other such things. Why is a wedding only the bride's day? Why does the mother of the groom have to "wear beige" and keep her mouth shut? Her child, her son, is getting married, too. Yeah, I really don't get this either. It is the groom's day as well! If my DH had suggested I take his mom cause it would make her happy... Or if she would have asked, I would have said of course. It just didn't occur to me, then. I don't think she was hurt, as her own daughter had married about 9 months earlier but I know she would have been honored. And frankly, it was his wedding, too, so his mom being happy was *just as important as me! IMO. But then I was the girl who had a non- alcohol wedding simply because my parents were more comfortable inviting their church friends. Other than my dress, we paid for our entire wedding and I was under no obligation (and thus far have been the only of my siblings) to do so. I just didn't feel any of those, "but I am the BRIDE" feelings. The day equally belonged to our parents, in my mind. I don't believe that a wedding is the bride's day, but I do believe that that gown is her dress. So if she feels uncomfortable trying gowns on for an audience or even just wishes to do so only with people she feels most comfortable with, then I think that should be okay.
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Jul 21, 2014 19:32:43 GMT
I think you should ask her or at least mention it to your son! She may think its sweet you want to come, I would! I invited my MIL after she told me she would like to go and I was so glad I did, she didnt have any daughters so she loved being there for everything. She passed away unexpectedly less than 1 year later and I would have regretted not including her
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 21, 2014 19:58:08 GMT
I've heard the wear beige and keep your mouth shut saying - so it's not just one poster.
I wish I would have asked my MIL - she's another with all boys. She lived quite a distance away, and it honestly never occurred to me. I had a great time with my Mom and fiance. It didn't occur to me that my mom would be disappointed that I asked my future husband, hopefully she wasn't - she probably smartly was just grateful that it occurred to me to invite her and didn't just buy it on my lunch hour solo.
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Post by SockMonkey on Jul 21, 2014 19:59:14 GMT
What I do not get or like are attitudes of "it's the bride's day," or "don't be that mil," and other such things. Why is a wedding only the bride's day? Why does the mother of the groom have to "wear beige" and keep her mouth shut? Her child, her son, is getting married, too. Yeah, I really don't get this either. It is the groom's day as well! If my DH had suggested I take his mom cause it would make her happy... Or if she would have asked, I would have said of course. It just didn't occur to me, then. I don't think she was hurt, as her own daughter had married about 9 months earlier but I know she would have been honored. And frankly, it was his wedding, too, so his mom being happy was *just as important as me! IMO. But then I was the girl who had a non- alcohol wedding simply because my parents were more comfortable inviting their church friends. Other than my dress, we paid for our entire wedding and I was under no obligation (and thus far have been the only of my siblings) to do so. I just didn't feel any of those, "but I am the BRIDE" feelings. The day equally belonged to our parents, in my mind. We're just talking about dress shopping here, not the whole wedding. And, in my mind, if it doesn't "occur" to someone to invite you, then consider yourself NOT invited. For me, it's more about not imposing and inviting yourself along on something that you were not invited to in the first place.
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