luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 22:12:24 GMT
Thanks for asking about my situation. It's pretty bleak honestly. The bro dates continue. He does change up the day if I request it but even when he went out last Thursday (instead of Friday), he stayed out until a bit after midnight. I found out there was no movie that night and supposedly is all they did was board games and maybe a bite to eat. OK, then why stay out so damn late??
Also, I've noticed any/all affection my way has virtually stopped. I don't know the timeline on that but it's probably connected. We still are intimate but that's maybe once/week with no kissing ever. We had 3 hours alone last night (son was out) and he literally just wanted to watch TV. My attempts at holding hands or anything else were pretty much shot down. I am very affectionate towards him but am sick to death of it not being reciprocated.
I finally sent him an email last week saying we are going to counseling because I'm at my brink (I'm seeing a counselor alone too). He agreed to go which shocked me. Honestly, I don't think this is savable at this point. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. Turning 50 has opened my eyes to making me see that I deserve better. I still love him but I can't continue to live like this. A divorce would be a complete mess and I really don't know how we'd pull it off financially.
On a side note, I don't even get back up where the kids are involved. I was looking for a lost birth certificate the other night for our son and when I was getting a bit mad about it, instead of asking if I needed help, he just got up and left. I asked him about it and he said the "house seemed tense." Well, no kidding! I always ask if he needs help if looking for something. I asked if he heard how our son had disrespected me earlier in the night and is all he said was that I encited him. Whatever. I feel very detached and don't really have the motivation to try much longer. There's a great meme going around FB that says "Don't push a loyal person to the point that they don't care anymore." Well, that's the situation in a nutshell.
My counselor recommended someone (a guy) for us to see so I need to see if DH is cool with that. He may want a woman one but we need to get in stat! Not only does he have the Friday night dates but then thinks nothing of going out for hours on Saturdays sometimes (with a different friend). I deserve better and won't put up with this for much longer. It's all I could do to put on a game face for the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago when my daughter visited. That whole weekend was so difficult with her attitude towards me (telling me to Shut Up on the first morning she was here when I wasn't even talking to her), it makes me just want to run away most days. I also realized that I pushed his full blown affair from 15 years ago to the back burner because of everything that was going down then (young child, birth of our son, dad passed, moved, etc.). Now that I have some time to think with my daughter gone, its all coming back.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 8, 2015 22:16:46 GMT
You don't need counseling, you need to leave and get on with your life. I know it's hard but get it started and get it behind you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 22:27:08 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess.
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Post by kernriver on Nov 8, 2015 22:43:41 GMT
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
HE'S GAY!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 22:47:12 GMT
Yah I know what needs to be done. Just need to figure it out. My mom gave us a large lump sum of money to keep my sister and we have used that to supplement DH's reduced salary (cut in half and loss of benefits when the family business went down). We don't have near all of it to pay back at this point. On top of that, she pays us rent to keep my sister. Without her help, we would've lost the house long ago.
It's a very tangled web but the only solace in my day is going to work. I have 5 hours of blissful solitude when in San Diego where nobody knows me and nobody is bothering me. I hate having days off as sad as that sounds and will be home a week at Thanksgiving. Between siblings, DH and my kids, nobody seems to give me an ounce of respect. I know I created the problem and now if I speak up, I'm the witch. Well, to heck with that thinking.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 22:47:34 GMT
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
HE'S GAY! I must say, that did get me to laugh. I know it and everyone else knows it but yet he denies it. Whatever. He denied his affair last time too.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 8, 2015 22:51:23 GMT
hopefully since he has agreed to going to counseling with you that he will actually TALK when you guys are there, so you can come to some sort of resolution about your relationship. Good luck.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,175
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Nov 8, 2015 22:55:15 GMT
Maybe he agreed so easily to counseling because he thinks that will be the opportunity to bring out into the open what is really going on - his chance to blast you with the news with someone else there to help handle the fallout?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 8, 2015 22:55:38 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess. Why is it all left up to you to figure out the finances, if you were to split up? It would be a rude awakening that's for sure but get your ducks in a row, file and get out! Find yourself a place away from the bloodsuckers, jerks, and indifferent!
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Nov 8, 2015 22:57:12 GMT
You have a job that you like. Find a small apartment/room that you can rent or lease for a few months and afford on your salary. Pack a bag and get out. Be gone for the holidays. See if being gone for more than 8 hours a day can make him believe you are serious about change. Give yourself the gift of worrying about yourself, and only yourself. You cannot go on existing, not living, like this. Hugs, I feel so sorry for you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 22:57:32 GMT
Maybe he agreed so easily to counseling because he thinks that will be the opportunity to bring out into the open what is really going on - his chance to blast you with the news with someone else there to help handle the fallout? That would be good actually. I know there's something going on. I just know it. I've asked him straight up a number of times and he always denies it. You know, they say to trust you gut?? Well, my gut says if it quacks like a duck, then it's a damn duck!
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Post by gryroagain on Nov 8, 2015 23:01:58 GMT
Ah, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. I hope you can take some time for yourself and maybe see a counselor on your own to deal with it all, it's a lot!
He is a grade A asshole.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 8, 2015 23:04:53 GMT
Can you move in with your mother? Seems like she has been pretty supportive, and really your job is driving, so you don't have any real ties to that area.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Nov 8, 2015 23:05:40 GMT
You definitely need to start putting yourself first. For your own sanity. There is no way I could be intimate any longer either, don't know how you're doing it. Thoughts are with you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 17:53:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2015 23:07:21 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess. Don't waste time trying to figure it out. The court is going to make a ruling based on existing laws and it will be over. You will have spend more months tied to him, energy wasted on figuring it out the logistics to no avail. If neither one of you can afford the house alone it will be ordered to be sold with any profits being split. We had to both pay for an agent to do a market analysis to set the sale price of our house and the proceeds split. Neither one of us could afford to buy the other one out and keep it.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Nov 8, 2015 23:08:11 GMT
Hugs. At the very least, if he is having sex with someone else, please stop having sex with him even once a week. Your life may seem, right now, hopeless, but I'd hate for you to catch a disease. At some point, even if it is years before the whole thing shakes out, you will have a life without him and it is possible to find happiness again, so I hear, lol. I'd hate for you to be sick when that time comes and life feels worth living again. Trust me, I know about bleak. I'm living it. But...in the back of my mind I keep telling myself that I have felt true happiness before and maybe, just maybe, I will feel it again. Hang in there. It sounds like you've pretty much faced reality that it's over. Maybe counseling will be a good way for the both of you to just put all the cards on the table and find solutions to moving on to the next chapters of your lives. I wish you the best.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 23:08:37 GMT
Can you move in with your mother? Seems like she has been pretty supportive, and really your job is driving, so you don't have any real ties to that area. No she lives an hour and a half north of me. Honestly, that would also be more stressful if that sounds possible. She's 80 at this point and very set in her ways. My brother already lives there and she is willing to pay us to keep my sister so that shows how badly she doesn't want her there. She's talking about selling the big family house next year anyway. Plus we have 4 pets to deal with. (3 cats and a small dog)
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 8, 2015 23:10:41 GMT
Kick his ass to the curb. Make him find a new place to live and take in another roommate to help make ends meet.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Nov 8, 2015 23:13:14 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are reaching your limit and hope you can move on. You deserve respect and happiness.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 17:53:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2015 23:15:56 GMT
I can garantee you that he is agreeing to counseling to stall for time to get HIS ducks in a row while you are sitting in the dark. Make copies of all financial documents (for the past year if possible and don't count on being able to access them online. He can and will reset the password when he starts moving money out of accounts), set up a post office box in your name only and move out.
We women are tied to our homes.. it is an extension of us. Let the bad memories go. If you want to keep the arrangement with your sister as a roommate find an apartment for the two of you. If you don't want to keep her as a roommate find one too small for two. Start a new life that is just YOU.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Nov 8, 2015 23:17:10 GMT
Please don't wait until you can afford it, DS is graduated, sister to move out or what have you. They're all excuses and there will always be excuses just like there were 15 years ago. In the meantime you're still miserable and unhappy.
Choose YOU this time. You're worth it! There will never be a perfect time for it so please, please just do it! For you!!
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Post by jovifan on Nov 8, 2015 23:28:20 GMT
Why on gods green earth are you still intimate with this man? And everything akathy said.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 8, 2015 23:28:46 GMT
But if you get an apt, you could not have 3 cats and a dog. If you have to start thinking of the what ifs and how you will do this? Also, if you think he's fooling around with the bro, WHY are you having sex with him???
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Post by jovifan on Nov 8, 2015 23:31:53 GMT
And you don't need to figure things out, that's what a lawyer is for. There have been people worse off that have made it out fine.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 8, 2015 23:34:44 GMT
Please don't wait until you can afford it, DS is graduated, sister to move out or what have you. They're all excuses and there will always be excuses just like there were 15 years ago. In the meantime you're still miserable and unhappy. It's hard to see it in yourself sometimes, but you are getting in your own way. Your responses are but... but... but...
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Post by jovifan on Nov 8, 2015 23:36:15 GMT
Yaaaaaaaas
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Post by stormycat on Nov 8, 2015 23:40:40 GMT
I agree with everyone else, but want to add one thing. I know you are afraid of losing the house, for me I would rather lose the house, that what little dignity I had left. Good luck to you.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,175
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Nov 8, 2015 23:43:42 GMT
You've got other people to factor in - a kid still at home, I think, a sister living with you - but you won't get anywhere until you start moving on with the process. Maybe you're not ready to do that, but then you need to acknowledge that - and recognize that there won't be much sympathy from anyone if you complain about your situation but don't take any action.
Ask yourself why you haven't gone to a lawyer yet? Is it because then everything will change? It's either going to change or you're going to go on the way you have been, maybe with some counseling added in. If you're not ready to start shaking things up, be honest with yourself - but for your own sake, if you believe he's having sex with someone else, STOP sleeping with him. You need to protect yourself legally, financially and physically.
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Post by mellyw on Nov 8, 2015 23:45:06 GMT
I am so sorry. You do not deserve the way your family treats you. Please, please, please take the advice given here to heart. Start getting your ducks in a row, before he really blindsides you.
And for goodness sake, stop having sex with him, & please get to the Doctor & get yourself tested.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 23:47:10 GMT
I agree with everyone else, but want to add one thing. I know you are afraid of losing the house, for me I would rather lose the house, that what little dignity I had left. Good luck to you. It's not that I'm afraid to lose the house. I don't really like it much anyway and we have been discussing downsizing. It has a pool that never gets used and a huge backyard that never gets used either. Anyway, the reason I said that is because apartments around here go for more than our mortgage. I'm in San Diego county and things are not cheap by any stretch. I have to be in the area for my job and also want to keep DS in the high school (he's a sophomore).
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