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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 10, 2015 13:59:17 GMT
Olan might have phrased it differently than I would have, but you nailed the issue. He's disrespectful and not honoring his wife - or family. I understand being scared and afraid to take the first step. I hope you you find the right time and strength to do it soon OP. Its cliched but- one step at a time works.
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Post by pelirroja on Nov 10, 2015 14:16:21 GMT
OP: years ago my friend's husband was playing basketball after work several nights a week. It seemed her DH was never available to her and was more interested in his friendships and games. She packed his gym bag for him and for at least six months, whenever she asked about the basketball games, he would regale her with tales of what happened, who was there, etc. When she phoned one of her DH's basketball buddies, the dh's friend backed up the stories and it seemed like everything was legit.
My friend knew something was up because for several weeks she was packing the gym bag with only one single sneaker and her DH had never mentioned that this was an issue: just kept telling tall tales about his game. Just as she lined her ducks in a row and hired a lawyer, her DH served her with divorce papers and walked out the door. There were games being played, they just weren't basketball. And even though she kind of saw it coming, it was still a devastating loss for her and her kids. Female intuition is there for a reason, so please don't ignore a bad gut feeling and assume everything will be OK or feel that even if it's crap, it's survivable crap. It may or may not be. And maybe, just maybe, you won't want to keep treading water or rearrange the deck chairs on a (possibly) sinking ship.
I don't know what your personal situation is or how long it's been going on but in reading thru these posts, it's pretty clear that there are some honesty and integrity issues (at the very least). Please continue with your therapy, whether or not you find a dude counselor, whether or not your DH attends with you, whether or not your DD has a job or your DS needs an education. There will always be a reason why you think you can't come first since you are always problem-solving and micromanaging other peoples life choices, protecting them from the consequences of their actions. The chaos will continue whether you "fix" it or not. You need to think of yourself because no one else is looking out for you so you need to do you.
I wish you well as you navigate this mess. I know it is scary to think of what may or may not happen. I just want those future decisions to be the decisions YOU made, not the choices that someone else handed you as leftovers. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. ((hugs)) I wish you well, whatever the future holds.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Nov 10, 2015 17:24:58 GMT
OP, you have two choices here: 1) divorce him 2) allow things to remain as they are.
Understand that at this point, you are making a conscious decision. If you choose to allow him to remain a part of your life (whatever your reasons), you are doing so with the full knowledge of who he is. He will not change. Please understand this. Counseling will not help him because he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing or if he does, he simply doesn't care. So, you have to be willing to accept what he is and stop causing you both agony by your objections to his lifestyle and choices. If you cannot do this, then you need to choose Option 1
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Post by Delta Dawn on Nov 10, 2015 19:46:58 GMT
Love you are standing in a room full of shit. You've contributed to the pile both personally and by allowing other people to look you in the eye while they shit on your floor!!!! Stop it! Stop having sex with a man who can't be bothered to even kiss you, stop tolerating abuse from a human you birthed and continue to feed and finance, stop catching coins from mommy in exchange for a major headache etc. The lesson: Don't expect the people who shat all over you to own it. They won't. You have two choices. Remove the shit from your space. No sniffing or slinging it. Just cleaning. Or walk away from it all. When you are stepping over all that shit remember the mission isnt Operation Excuse.You need to take control of your own life. If you don't you are in for another 15 years of Game Night! Listen to Olan. She is giving you good advice. I don't want you to get further in this mess than you already are. You deserve to be happy. Your husband not kissing you? That is messed up. I don't know if he is gay or cheating on you or what, but he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Sis has to go. Mom may get mad. You run the finances and know the state of things. Kick him to the curb or you leave with all the important papers and get out of Dodge. You don't need this or him. Nor do you deserve it. You are a good person. You don't deserve this. At all.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 20:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2015 19:55:51 GMT
OP, you have two choices here: 1) divorce him 2) allow things to remain as they are. Understand that at this point, you are making a conscious decision. If you choose to allow him to remain a part of your life (whatever your reasons), you are doing so with the full knowledge of who he is. He will not change. Please understand this. Counseling will not help him because he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing or if he does, he simply doesn't care. So, you have to be willing to accept what he is and stop causing you both agony by your objections to his lifestyle and choices. If you cannot do this, then you need to choose Option 1 I think she is choosing option 1 but some peas keep posting threads every few months asking her for updates and then she has to spend the time defending her choice
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 10, 2015 20:12:09 GMT
OP, you have two choices here: 1) divorce him 2) allow things to remain as they are. Understand that at this point, you are making a conscious decision. If you choose to allow him to remain a part of your life (whatever your reasons), you are doing so with the full knowledge of who he is. He will not change. Please understand this. Counseling will not help him because he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing or if he does, he simply doesn't care. So, you have to be willing to accept what he is and stop causing you both agony by your objections to his lifestyle and choices. If you cannot do this, then you need to choose Option 1 I think she is choosing option 1 but some peas keep posting threads every few months asking her for updates and then she has to spend the time defending her choice Since every few months the update is the same, I'm inclined to believe that she's actually choosing option 2.
You deserve so much more, LLL, you really do!
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Nov 10, 2015 20:21:07 GMT
OP, you have two choices here: 1) divorce him 2) allow things to remain as they are. Understand that at this point, you are making a conscious decision. If you choose to allow him to remain a part of your life (whatever your reasons), you are doing so with the full knowledge of who he is. He will not change. Please understand this. Counseling will not help him because he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing or if he does, he simply doesn't care. So, you have to be willing to accept what he is and stop causing you both agony by your objections to his lifestyle and choices. If you cannot do this, then you need to choose Option 1 I think she is choosing option 1 but some peas keep posting threads every few months asking her for updates and then she has to spend the time defending her choice I really don't think she is choosing option 1. She might be dancing around with the idea but she hasn't fully committed. The thing is, no one can make these decisions for her, or make her do what we all consider the right thing, which is dump his ass. The status quo, as crappy as it is for her, is comfortable; she knows what to expect and it's easy to keep going through the motions. It's hard to step off the high dive when you don't know what's at the bottom. Maybe one day she'll get tired of being his doormat.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 20:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2015 23:17:31 GMT
I think she is choosing option 1 but some peas keep posting threads every few months asking her for updates and then she has to spend the time defending her choice I really don't think she is choosing option 1. She might be dancing around with the idea but she hasn't fully committed. The thing is, no one can make these decisions for her, or make her do what we all consider the right thing, which is dump his ass. The status quo, as crappy as it is for her, is comfortable; she knows what to expect and it's easy to keep going through the motions. It's hard to step off the high dive when you don't know what's at the bottom. Maybe one day she'll get tired of being his doormat. my point wasn't so much about what her choice was as no one really knows....much like her husband's actions and intentions the point was more so peas poking at her every few months asking either with good or gossip intentions then everyone realizes she hasn't done anything and then the dance of her being defensive and everyone else thinking they are cheerleading as others have said it's possible he won't change but guess what - neither will she let's all meet back in march and repeat, rinse as they say
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 11, 2015 2:22:58 GMT
OP- didn't you mention awhile back that your husbands father just recently came out as gay and left his wife? I'm curious how your husband reacted to that news. I wish you nothing but the best in however you handle this because life is so short and people should be happy in this life. His dad was found to be having an affair or multiple affairs with men and women. It was a shock to everyone but he and his wife (DH's mom) remain married.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 11, 2015 2:27:13 GMT
Seeing a counselor for starters. She's not in her office this week which sucks very badly but I will see her next week. How many times have you seen her? What has she told you to do? Due to scheduling issues, I've only seen her once but I feel very comfortable with her. She's located right by work which seems ideal but is only there on Thursdays. I haven't been down some Thursdays since my client has been sick and now she's out of the office. I also won't be down there on Thanksgiving. Hopefully we can get together next week. She just needs to help me sort through all I need to do. I appreciate everyone's advise and I agree that it doesn't really matter what he's doing on Fridays. I could maybe see every other, or go to a game or bar, but the intimacy is a significant factor and I don't mean just sexually.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 11, 2015 2:28:47 GMT
Why are we all so sure he is actually hanging out with another guy? Is there any reason he couldn't be lying and actually be with another woman? OP I remember when you said you went by his apartment complex but you couldn't get in because he wasn't home to let you in. Do you really have proof that he is with a guy? Couldn't he be with another woman? Man or woman that he is with, it is I really obvious the marriage is not a priority for him. I did have DH drive me by the apartment complex but it's gated so he couldn't get in. It wouldn't be that hard to get in if need be though since I could just follow a car in. However, that would only confirm that his car is there. He could either have been picked up by someone else or be there and doing Lord knows what.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 11, 2015 3:13:35 GMT
Why couldn't your dh just buzz to go in? he does every other day apparently? sounds like he just didn't want you to go in.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 20:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2015 3:31:30 GMT
Why are we all so sure he is actually hanging out with another guy? Is there any reason he couldn't be lying and actually be with another woman? OP I remember when you said you went by his apartment complex but you couldn't get in because he wasn't home to let you in. Do you really have proof that he is with a guy? Couldn't he be with another woman? Man or woman that he is with, it is I really obvious the marriage is not a priority for him. I did have DH drive me by the apartment complex but it's gated so he couldn't get in. It wouldn't be that hard to get in if need be though since I could just follow a car in. However, that would only confirm that his car is there. He could either have been picked up by someone else or be there and doing Lord knows what. Please get a private investigator so you know exactly what you are dealing with!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 11, 2015 3:38:33 GMT
I really doubt she can afford a PI, with all the stuff she has posted!
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 11, 2015 4:20:15 GMT
Have you considered moving out of state - somewhere you can afford to live? I know you want to keep your son in his school, but seriously it doesn't really seem worth it. And if he strongly objects, he can stay with his dad.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Nov 11, 2015 4:42:28 GMT
Why are we all so sure he is actually hanging out with another guy? Is there any reason he couldn't be lying and actually be with another woman? OP I remember when you said you went by his apartment complex but you couldn't get in because he wasn't home to let you in. Do you really have proof that he is with a guy? Couldn't he be with another woman? Man or woman that he is with, it is I really obvious the marriage is not a priority for him. I did have DH drive me by the apartment complex but it's gated so he couldn't get in. It wouldn't be that hard to get in if need be though since I could just follow a car in. However, that would only confirm that his car is there. He could either have been picked up by someone else or be there and doing Lord knows what. So he showed you what could be some random gated community that this person lives in, and he goes there all the time and all this time you have never been there? What???!! Girl you have got to at the extreme very least check out that part of the story.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 12, 2015 3:55:06 GMT
Why couldn't your dh just buzz to go in? he does every other day apparently? sounds like he just didn't want you to go in. He probably could have but then he would have to explain what we were doing in the area unexpected.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 12, 2015 3:56:14 GMT
Have you considered moving out of state - somewhere you can afford to live? I know you want to keep your son in his school, but seriously it doesn't really seem worth it. And if he strongly objects, he can stay with his dad. I have not considered that. Honestly, I wouldn't have the first clue where to even move to in order to start over. It's not entirely out of the question but not at the top of the list of things to explore.
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Post by mikewozowski on Nov 12, 2015 6:57:54 GMT
somewhere where the cost of living is much less than it is in SD.
do you have the kind of job that would be fairly easy to find in many locations? if so, i would consider a move and a fresh start.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Nov 12, 2015 20:26:09 GMT
I am sad to see that little has changed since the last thread. From what you have written about the disrespect from your children, especially your son, I think you should start researching places rents for single apartments. You can always get a pullout couch or an air mattress for a child to sleep on when/if they visit. I, too, would be concerned that you husband is getting his ducks in a row and may hit your first.... though he may never do that either because he has life pretty good right now.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 12, 2015 23:10:15 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him? She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck I appreciate your feedback but I only wish I were exaggerating. As you know, it's hard to put every last mitigating detail in a post or even multiple posts but I only updated because someone asked. It's always one-sided since the nature of a message board. I'm sure I've done something to contribute to the situation. I'm not naive enough to think I haven't. It would be nice if he told me what it was though. I'm betting that he doesn't like your sister living there, the rude kids so he has been escaping.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 20:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2015 1:17:05 GMT
I just want to say that I think part of your lack of urgency to leave your marriage is probably that you've become accustomed to this treatment. What we see as extreme and urgent has become part of normal to you.
Regarding your kids and paying for school... my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer when I was in my second year of university, and after that first semester my parents could not contribute to my school and living costs like they had been. I PROMISE, I was fine. I borrowed loans, continued working, and everything was fine.
Also, from my experience, I would have much rather seen my parents get divorced than continue to live through the nagging/fighting, walking out, etc, that we endured because "things would change" if they divorced. My mom didn't want to have to move into an apartment, and probably get a job, but I didn't really want to live with unstable parents.
This is just to say that sometimes the things that you don't know seem harder and scarier than the crap you do know... but you and your kids are strong and resilient. And you all deserve to be happy.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 13, 2015 2:10:30 GMT
I appreciate your feedback but I only wish I were exaggerating. As you know, it's hard to put every last mitigating detail in a post or even multiple posts but I only updated because someone asked. It's always one-sided since the nature of a message board. I'm sure I've done something to contribute to the situation. I'm not naive enough to think I haven't. It would be nice if he told me what it was though. I'm betting that he doesn't like your sister living there, the rude kids so he has been escaping. You may be right about my sister being a problem for him although in reality, he doesn't see her much especially with his 12 hour workdays and being gone so much other times. As for the kids, they're not bad for him, just me pretty much.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Nov 13, 2015 4:31:16 GMT
Did he do this before your sister moved in? Just curious if things changed after she moved in.
SD is a very expensive place we just moved from there as we wanted better schools but to get a descent house in a neighborhood with good schools was crazy expensive. It was just impossible. We moved to Temecula and houses are much cheaper. Unfortunately there are not many good paying jobs. Luckily hubby has about the same commute as he did while living in SD. I know it is hard to think about moving but if you can't afford a condo there then you may want to consider moving to a cheaper area maybe out of state. Maybe start looking at other areas and start quietly looking for another job .
You deserve to be happy and treated with respect.
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Post by sunraynnc on Nov 13, 2015 23:46:08 GMT
You have been on my mind and I wish the very best for you. It will not happen until you make a BIG change.
If I were in your shoes, I would find a studio apt or bedroom to rent and just leave. I'd leave son AND sister behind.
Let dh hold the bag of shit for a while.
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