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Post by gryroagain on Nov 9, 2015 14:48:00 GMT
I got no issues calling your husband a straight up douche canoe. Yeah, yeah, two sides, blah blah, but cmon, the man has removed hi self from the marriage without having the balls to do it the proper way with counseling, an amicable divorce, etc. He is a coward and an asshat. No, I don't know him, but I really fail to see how he gets any better with any more information. Maybe luvnlife is a horrible harpy, but you still have a choice to do the right thing.,,and what he is doing isnt it.
I am always so surprised by the peas who jump on a fellow pea having what is one of the hardest experiences of her life. Is it because we like to think "oh, I do xyz, it won't happen to ME!"? Does telling her it's her fault for not being financially stable on her own, needing time to figure out what to do, really help anything? She knows this. She knows her marriage is in deep trouble and she is obviously scared, sad and needs support. I'm not the pea police, but some of these responses really get me down. This is why women don't leave, they don't tell their friends what is going on, they don't stand up for themselves- they get jumped on by the "you should have done xyz, how could you be stuck in such a marriage" types. I don't know every side to the story, but I know a pea needs support and sometimes that should just be enough.
I hope you can make a plan and get free of him, there is some great advice in here.
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Deleted
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May 12, 2024 14:24:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 15:11:07 GMT
2sides to the story:
They both are done.
And she has a chance to make this a nice easy break by getting everything in order before she leaves she leaves.
Get your own bank account, and put the amount of your last 3 paychecks in it.
Clean all the junk out of your house and move into storage what is yours plus some furniture you will need.
Send you sister back to mom until you can find a place for her or if you enjoy her company an apartment for the two of you.
Put that house on the market
I would not think you need to pay your mother back. Cheap residential care starts at 4 grand a month. How long has your sister lived with you?
Join a gym or take a class, just get out of the house and meet new people.
Now when the house sells , and since you do the finances you can have the bank split the proceeds into 2 separate checks.
Then leave.
Don't worry about him, he has a place to go.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
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Post by freebird on Nov 9, 2015 15:21:32 GMT
It's pretty easy to armchair quarterback someone else's life guys. This is the hardest thing she'll ever have to do. EVER.
Now, OP, you've gotten into this situation by putting yourself last for a really long time. I'll be honest, you hit my radar a long time ago with all the issues of your sister. You're not doing anything to change your situation. If you sit in fear, nothing will get better. I know this because I used to be you. YOU FIRST. Even before your kids. trust me on this. If you put yourself first, you'll become a better person, and in turn a better mother.
If you can't find a way to go now, it's ok. I just ask that you a.) stop having sex with him because I also believe he is gay and b.) find some therapy (there are sliding scales out there), to help you figure out why you're letting yourself be a doormat to all these people.
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pudgygroundhog
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Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Nov 9, 2015 15:24:23 GMT
I think you know what you need to do, but I get that is incredibly hard. You have the strength to do it, figure things out, and be happy. Listen to all the peas who were in a similar situation and came through it. Good luck and we're pulling for you.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 9, 2015 16:07:32 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him? She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck Sorry, but cheating is wrong. Period.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by blue tulip on Nov 9, 2015 16:17:48 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess. I haven't caught up on all replies, so forgive me if this was already pointed out.
you do not owe your kids a paid-for college education. they can take out loans. if they can't get loans for full-time, they can go part time and work. I did, most of my friends did, tons of people do. it might not be what you had always said or envisioned you'd do, but circumstances change and you don't need to mortgage your happiness and wellbeing for another 6, 7 years because you're putting them thru college. especially when they certainly aren't showing you they appreciate it or you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 14:24:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 16:19:35 GMT
I think the OP hasn't left because the financial unknown is too scary for her. I think a lot of women do this. They will stay in a messy hell to avoid having to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and figure out the money...
I hope you find the strength to walk away! You CAN do it, you know. ((hugs))
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 9, 2015 16:22:40 GMT
So you're saying you and "everyone else" thinks he's gay? Well not necessarily but there is something very wonky about the situation. Either gay or covering for something. There's about 1% chance he's innocent but still the regularity of it is alarming! Wonky? Alarming? Sweetheart this is your LIFE you're talking about, not some weekly sitcom on TV. This man has given you a gift by dragging this out so long - he's given you ample time to prepare your finances and logistics, and yet here you still sit saying things like this.
As I said above, cheating is W.R.O.N.G. and in my mind there is NO excuse for it. But you have essentially condoned it by ignoring the elephant in the room for months. He has no reason to do anything different now, he's got his cake and is eating ice cream with it. The cheating is on him, but the fact that you're still there is on you.
Just a heads up, my former BIL also told my sister that he was willing to put his affair on hold and go to counseling with her to try to save the marriage. Two days later he filed for divorce behind her back. She found out by chance when she happened to look up her (notice I said HER) credit card statement online and saw the $1500 attorney charge. It was their anniversary.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Nov 9, 2015 16:25:13 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess. I haven't caught up on all replies, so forgive me if this was already pointed out.
you do not owe your kids a paid-for college education. they can take out loans. if they can't get loans for full-time, they can go part time and work. I did, most of my friends did, tons of people do. it might not be what you had always said or envisioned you'd do, but circumstances change and you don't need to mortgage your happiness and wellbeing for another 6, 7 years because you're putting them thru college. especially when they certainly aren't showing you they appreciate it or you.
I'm so glad you said this because everytime I see someone on here or just in general say they have to get their kids through college I want to scream this to them LOL! I think it's great that parents want to help their kids out with college but if it means they have to sacrifice their happiness, well being, marriage, or stay in a UNhappy marriage to do that then it's not worth it. College students can work and help pay their way in school. |
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Post by rainangel on Nov 9, 2015 16:25:36 GMT
When your husband goes on these bro dates.... do you think he spends all of his time playing board games, or do you possibly think he is telling his bro how he feels about his marriage? And what do you think he tells his bro about the state of your marriage? That it is a happy and fulfilling marriage? Or that it is a mess?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 9, 2015 16:31:33 GMT
I really can empathize with you luvnlifelady. I stayed for a long time because of finances. It took him losing his job due to drugs and alcohol abuse before I realized I had nothing left to lose. Hopefully, you can get your ducks in row and make your plans to leave before your life just blows up on you, like mine did. It took me 7 months of unemployment and living with my mom to get back on my feet. He jumped right into a new job, making good money. But for me, it was so over, I couldn't look back. Even now, if I had stayed the money would be good. I certainly wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck like I do now. But for me, it was so worth it to be done with him. I have a new DH now and I'm happier than I have ever been. This is the life I would have missed out on, had I sacrificed my own happiness and stayed. And five years later, he's still drinking and miserable. Nothing has changed for him, except that he has a new wife to put up with him. I would rather live in a cardboard box with my current DH than live with my ex again. I deserved better and so do you. Good luck! |
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by peabrain on Nov 9, 2015 16:44:10 GMT
You don't even need to bring him to a dude counselor to find out what's going on.
I've got a pair of boots. Give me your address. I'll pick you up and we'll go bust down the door of this "bro" and find out once and for all. No waiting around for him to tell you or not. Lets roll. |
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662
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Post by Rhondito on Nov 9, 2015 16:44:39 GMT
I still love him but I can't continue to live like this. I try not to post advice on this type of subject but.....
Please don't take 30 years like I did (after divorce) to figure out that the above is likely just NOT true. You do still have feelings of love but they are for the man you thought and wanted your husband to be It is pretty hard to really love someone that treats you badly but easy to hang on to the dream. (((hugs)))
Thank you for saying this... it was something I needed to hear. |
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 9, 2015 17:30:30 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him? She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck Because everything she says, all the excuses she gives are typical excuses for people in a bad situation and scared to leave. It rings true to many of us because we have seen loved ones react the same, or even been in the situation. It is always easier for someone not in the same exact situation to declare it an easy one to get out of, isn't it?
Everything she says matches up with other things she has posted over the years. Her stories have always been consistent. She's been open about her sis staying with her and the reasons, their financial hardships and his past cheating. Nothing she says is red flagging any lies.
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Post by ilikepink on Nov 9, 2015 17:34:43 GMT
As with most others here, BTDT. It is truly the scariest thing ever. The You part of you has been slowly eroded over the years - evidence by your sister, mom, children and husband not treating you with respect. But the worst is that you are not treating yourself with respect. Put your oxygen mask on first kind of thing... This is the time for you to treat yourself with respect. Now, not later, not tomorrow, not after college, not after anything else. Now.
Start with a bank account - $20. Today. Then take the second step, and then the third. And before you know it, you are walking toward your own life, on your terms. It will not be easy, but if you took these steps 15 years ago, you would be 15 years further down that road. Don't wait. You deserve better.
Respect yourself.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 9, 2015 23:23:18 GMT
When your husband goes on these bro dates.... do you think he spends all of his time playing board games, or do you possibly think he is telling his bro how he feels about his marriage? And what do you think he tells his bro about the state of your marriage? That it is a happy and fulfilling marriage? Or that it is a mess? I don't think he spends all his time playing board games but I highly doubt I or our marriage is the topic of conversation. Even if it's innocent, which I highly doubt, I don't think guys in general vent to their friends like women do, especially to a single friend. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 9, 2015 23:29:31 GMT
Thanks for the continued advice and support and all the BTDT stories. Sorry those of you that have gone through it did but glad to see that most if not all are better for it. I took a long walk during my downtime in SD today and am trying to get things sorted out. I wish my counselor were in her office this week but will have to wait for next week for that. She's already helped me though I think anyway.
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Post by jovifan on Nov 10, 2015 1:01:21 GMT
What things are you doing to get things sorted out?
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Post by tlsmi on Nov 10, 2015 1:04:58 GMT
He's a fence sitter. He's straddling that fence with his legs dangling off both sides. Acting like an ass. On one side is you the quiet supportive wife taking care of all at home and going through motions that all is somewhat tolerable.
On the the other side is board games and God knows what. It's time he gets knocked off that fence and you have to push him. Stop waiting for him or anyone else to make decisions involving your life.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 10, 2015 1:52:43 GMT
What things are you doing to get things sorted out? Seeing a counselor for starters. She's not in her office this week which sucks very badly but I will see her next week. |
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Post by SabrinaM on Nov 10, 2015 2:12:18 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him? She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck I appreciate your feedback but I only wish I were exaggerating. As you know, it's hard to put every last mitigating detail in a post or even multiple posts but I only updated because someone asked. It's always one-sided since the nature of a message board. I'm sure I've done something to contribute to the situation. I'm not naive enough to think I haven't. It would be nice if he told me what it was though. IF he is gay, the only thing you could do differently is grow testicles and become male. |
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Post by jovifan on Nov 10, 2015 2:22:24 GMT
How are you going to feel when he comes home with divorce papers? Whats your first thought?
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 10, 2015 2:43:44 GMT
There's a very good possibility that he is Bi. Don't need to grow testicles. Being he's been married, had an affair with a women, now this bromance.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
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Post by happymomma on Nov 10, 2015 2:56:13 GMT
I try not to post advice on this type of subject but.....
Please don't take 30 years like I did (after divorce) to figure out that the above is likely just NOT true. You do still have feelings of love but they are for the man you thought and wanted your husband to be It is pretty hard to really love someone that treats you badly but easy to hang on to the dream. (((hugs)))
Thank you for saying this... it was something I needed to hear. I needed this too. Good words. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 10, 2015 3:07:57 GMT
Now that I have some time to think with my daughter gone, its all coming back. Man, I hate to say it, but yeah.... I think it's all coming back. He is not loyal to you. He prefers to spend as much time with someone else as he can. The dude is not faithful, affair or no.  |
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 10, 2015 3:20:04 GMT
He might be staying in the marriage for the son. Parents will do those things for their kids. I wonder if after the son leaves if he would be filing for a divorce. He also might not be ready to tell people he is gay if he is. Who knows. You are in a tough spot regardless. Get your paperwork in order along with some cash and let you mom know there has to be a change. Good luck.
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 10, 2015 4:28:54 GMT
Why are we all so sure he is actually hanging out with another guy? Is there any reason he couldn't be lying and actually be with another woman? OP I remember when you said you went by his apartment complex but you couldn't get in because he wasn't home to let you in. Do you really have proof that he is with a guy? Couldn't he be with another woman? Man or woman that he is with, it is I really obvious the marriage is not a priority for him.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 10, 2015 4:33:59 GMT
What things are you doing to get things sorted out? Seeing a counselor for starters. She's not in her office this week which sucks very badly but I will see her next week. How many times have you seen her? What has she told you to do? |
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Olan
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Enter your message here...
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Post by Olan on Nov 10, 2015 13:24:43 GMT
Why are we all so sure he is actually hanging out with another guy? Is there any reason he couldn't be lying and actually be with another woman? OP I remember when you said you went by his apartment complex but you couldn't get in because he wasn't home to let you in. Do you really have proof that he is with a guy? Couldn't he be with another woman? Man or woman that he is with, it is I really obvious the marriage is not a priority for him. I think the gay thing is sensational and that's why there is that focus. I say who cares. My armchair advice is based off my perception of the OP's mental state. She is fed up but scared and could use a push. Gay or straight her husband isn't being respectful or honoring his wife. That's where I say don't get stuck sniffing shit. Why should the OP feel compelled to "investigate" and figure out if her husband is really playing settlers of catan or getting his back blown out. Regardless of what she finds its just a symptom of a larger issue. More than the poor choices, more than the ignored red flags...the thing I regret most was the time I spent AFTER I really knew in my heart what I needed to do. |
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Nov 10, 2015 13:42:55 GMT
OP- didn't you mention awhile back that your husbands father just recently came out as gay and left his wife? I'm curious how your husband reacted to that news.
I wish you nothing but the best in however you handle this because life is so short and people should be happy in this life.
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