oaksong
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,164
Location: LA Suburbia
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 6:24:29 GMT
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Post by oaksong on Nov 8, 2015 23:49:15 GMT
You can do this! Do it now. Get the most important things in order, not everything, and take a step forward to your new life. Try not to think about the complicated stuff right now. Take care of yourself and your son, and cut everyone else loose. The others can take care of themselves. You know it's time.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 23:48:53 GMT
I can garantee you that he is agreeing to counseling to stall for time to get HIS ducks in a row while you are sitting in the dark. Make copies of all financial documents (for the past year if possible and don't count on being able to access them online. He can and will reset the password when he starts moving money out of accounts), set up a post office box in your name only and move out. We women are tied to our homes.. it is an extension of us. Let the bad memories go. If you want to keep the arrangement with your sister as a roommate find an apartment for the two of you. If you don't want to keep her as a roommate find one too small for two. Start a new life that is just YOU. Passwords are not a problem. I do all the financial dealings.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 8, 2015 23:50:39 GMT
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. Even the harder stuff. I need to figure things out stat!
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Post by jovifan on Nov 8, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
You need to meet with a lawyer stat. They give free consultations. They can give you oodles of advice.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Nov 8, 2015 23:57:42 GMT
You don't need counseling, you need to leave and get on with your life. I know it's hard but get it started and get it behind you. Yes, that's exactly what you need to do.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2015 23:58:54 GMT
I can garantee you that he is agreeing to counseling to stall for time to get HIS ducks in a row while you are sitting in the dark. Make copies of all financial documents (for the past year if possible and don't count on being able to access them online. He can and will reset the password when he starts moving money out of accounts), set up a post office box in your name only and move out. We women are tied to our homes.. it is an extension of us. Let the bad memories go. If you want to keep the arrangement with your sister as a roommate find an apartment for the two of you. If you don't want to keep her as a roommate find one too small for two. Start a new life that is just YOU. Passwords are not a problem. I do all the financial dealings. So did I. He went to the bank with id, told them our account had been compromised and they reset the email and password. Make paper copies. Leave them with one of your friends (not a shared friend, your friend)
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 0:05:59 GMT
Well since downsizing was brought up, time to put that house on the market! You can look for a new house with him while looking for a place for you.
A lot of houses out there rent out secret apartments that might be big enough for your sister, son and you.
College? There is financial aid. Make sure you start now on that.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Nov 9, 2015 0:15:38 GMT
I haven't read the whole thread, but this is what I would do. Drastic, but I'd do it.
Thanksgiving is coming up.
You should pack a bag and leave them to take of thanksgiving on their own. If yoiu can't afford a hotel, go to a friend's or a family member's for a few days. Don't dwell on it. Just pack a bag, tell them you're going away for a few days, and leave.
My BFF did that several years ago. She was being treated pretty badly by her family and she took off and went to her mother's for a few days. Their attitudes changed pretty fast.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 9, 2015 0:21:32 GMT
The housing market is on the upswing again here in So Cal. Now is a good time to put it on the market.
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Post by peasapie on Nov 9, 2015 0:33:18 GMT
You have my sympathy. I know how difficult it is when you have kids and perhaps don't want to rock the boat until they (and you) are able to be independent. I waited till my youngest was leaving for college before leaving my cheating husband, because I cared more about them than about myself. We weren't arguing and their lives were stable, and I don't regret waiting for the right time. Not at all.
Please do think about what you need to do now to position yourself properly for the future, and protect yourself from STDs. That's what I did for the last couple of years of my "marriage." And the good news is that there was another life after that one for me, and you too can have what you deserve -- to love and be loved. Best wishes to you.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 9, 2015 0:49:53 GMT
When your dh had an affair last time was it w/a man or a woman? I ask, because if it was w/a man and he's doing the same thing now then clearly he is being untrue to both of you by staying in the marriage. If he's gay then staying in a het marriage must be making him miserable, too. I know that finances are a huge issue here. If you sell the house and buy a small place for your ds and you would you be able to do it w/o your mother's money? At this point everything you do needs to be about the two of you. Your sister is a complication and the money is not worth the difficulty that she causes you in life. At this point do you think you'd be happier in a smaller house or condo w/o your not-so-dh and sister to weigh you down?
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Nov 9, 2015 0:52:10 GMT
The only way you are going to survive this is to stop with excuses or justification and cut the dead weight. At first I defended you as being cool as a cucumber and handling this with great class and patience, not jumping in head first like so many of us would do. The time for that has long passed. If you don't get a move on with your life, it's going to pass you by. You are just leaving it open for him to cover his bases and prepare his side of the story and get others to buy it first. Stop making this so easy on him. I get that you have so many others depending on you but it's time for that shit to stop. If your mom wants to continue to carry your sister through life, she can find somewhere else to do it. There are other roommates, assisted living, surely something. Your burdens are your own to carry. As for the kids in college excuse: student loans, Pell grants, going to a community college for a few years instead, or them getting a job are all things for them to consider and for you to push for. If you are helping you dd out with college, its time for Miss "Shut Up" to learn that sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want and there are consequences to our choices and the situations we end up in. Your son treats you poorly: is it a phase, mirroring how he sees others treat you, who knows. Frankly, his life is going to be in turmoil and he's going to lash out at you whatever you do. While keeping him in his school is an admirable goal, it's not realistic and you shouldn't have to suffer for his ungrateful self. Be prepared that he may want to go with his father instead of you. There's no good way for this to shake out. Stop looking for a way for that to happen and get on with the lawyering. You can bet he is. Life will be a mess for some time after all this, but it will be worth it. The time for couple's therapy is long past. He will either use it as an opportunity to unleash on you, make you doubt yourself, or look bad, which could effect the divorce. Turkey Day is going to be a nightmare in your house. If he is planning a big announcement, it will be the perfect stage for him. You say that standing up for yourself after all these years makes you the bad guy in their eyes. That's because you previous behavior has benefited them and your changes won't. You can't let that hold you back or you are going to drown here. Have a plan or a rebuttal, points to make, something for whatever comes your way. Make solid points, give good examples, and don't raise your voice or fall for any traps or guilt trips. You are not crazy or selfish, or responsible for their drama. Don't let them put anything on you. Stand tall and make this your time. You can do this luvnlifelady. You have to, for yourself, your future. We are pulling for you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 9, 2015 1:06:33 GMT
When your dh had an affair last time was it w/a man or a woman? I ask, because if it was w/a man and he's doing the same thing now then clearly he is being untrue to both of you by staying in the marriage. If he's gay then staying in a het marriage must be making him miserable, too. I know that finances are a huge issue here. If you sell the house and buy a small place for your ds and you would you be able to do it w/o your mother's money? At this point everything you do needs to be about the two of you. Your sister is a complication and the money is not worth the difficulty that she causes you in life. At this point do you think you'd be happier in a smaller house or condo w/o your not-so-dh and sister to weigh you down? His previous affair was with a woman.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 9, 2015 1:18:24 GMT
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
HE'S GAY! I must say, that did get me to laugh. I know it and everyone else knows it but yet he denies it. Whatever. He denied his affair last time too. So you're saying you and "everyone else" thinks he's gay?
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Nov 9, 2015 1:51:32 GMT
Lurker made some really valid points. Your DM has made your DS your problem and she is not. Since your DB lives with your DM, your DS can keep him company. He can intervene if there is an issue. It's time to lighten your load. Inform your DD that she needs to find a job and apply for financial aid, your are done paying for her college until you can at least support yourself. If you can afford the house, fine, if not then you need to find a place you can afford. You can start freeing yourself now. Just because you are sharing a house with your DH it doesn't mean you have to share a bed with him. Start extricating yourself now, a step at a time. Next weekend, help your DS pack her stuff and deliver her back to your DM's house. Tell her you will pay her back as soon as you can for the money she has loaned you. One step at a time. Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn't value you. Think about a year down the road, you and your DS in a place of your own with so much less stress. It feels scary but much less stressful, doesn't it?
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Nov 9, 2015 1:55:17 GMT
Lurker made some really valid points. Your DM has made your DS your problem and she is not. Since your DB lives with your DM, your DS can keep him company. He can intervene if there is an issue. It's time to lighten your load. Inform your DD that she needs to find a job and apply for financial aid, your are done paying for her college until you can at least support yourself. If you can afford the house, fine, if not then you need to find a place you can afford. You can start freeing yourself now. Just because you are sharing a house with your DH it doesn't mean you have to share a bed with him. Start extricating yourself now, a step at a time. Next weekend, help your DS pack her stuff and deliver her back to your DM's house. Tell her you will pay her back as soon as you can for the money she has loaned you. One step at a time. Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn't value you. Think about a year down the road, you and your DS in a place of your own with so much less stress. It feels scary but much less stressful, doesn't it? Yes, Exactly!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 1:56:02 GMT
Look, your kids treat you like shit. Your DH treats you like shit. Why in the hell are you sticking around? Dump the asshole and tell the kids if they don't knock it off, the son can live with Dad and the daughter can figure out how to fend for herself. They treat you this way because you let them. Stop with the excuses. Stop letting them walk all over you. Stop sleeping with him. Why in the hell do you want sex without any of the intimacy? He's treating you like a john would treat a hooker - no kisses, just wham, bam, thank you m'am.
The only thing you should not stop is the counseling. Do not even go with him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 2:32:39 GMT
You've been given tons of excellent advice on this thread and the previous ones and yet you're still there making excuses to stay.
And as for having sex with him and trying to hold his hand - WTF. You know he's having a relationship with someone else. You're acting like a desperate sexual doormat. The only reason he's banging you now is to give you a false sense of security to buy himself more time till he leaves you. Remember it's your sister and mother who are causing problems, not his. I guarantee he'll feel no guilt as he packs his bags and goes to live with his lover.
I wouldn't worry too much about Thanksgiving though, he's probably already got plans anyway. You'll be left with your ungrateful kids and sister.
Work out a plan to leave, tell everyone to plan their lives accordingly, then do it.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 9, 2015 6:40:52 GMT
I must say, that did get me to laugh. I know it and everyone else knows it but yet he denies it. Whatever. He denied his affair last time too. So you're saying you and "everyone else" thinks he's gay? Well not necessarily but there is something very wonky about the situation. Either gay or covering for something. There's about 1% chance he's innocent but still the regularity of it is alarming!
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,138
Jun 26, 2014 4:03:09 GMT
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Post by Why on Nov 9, 2015 8:20:58 GMT
I still love him but I can't continue to live like this. I try not to post advice on this type of subject but.....
Please don't take 30 years like I did (after divorce) to figure out that the above is likely just NOT true. You do still have feelings of love but they are for the man you thought and wanted your husband to be It is pretty hard to really love someone that treats you badly but easy to hang on to the dream. (((hugs)))
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 9, 2015 11:18:27 GMT
Yah you're probably right. However, things are extremely entertwined financially with my sister here and my mom helping but there's no way to afford this place without his income. Then we have a kid in college and one still to go so not sure how to do this. I'm sure at this point it will come to that just need to figure out the logistics if possible. I'm just done trying and now wish we had cut ties 15 years ago when all this crap started. Live and learn I guess. The finances are scary. I know I took quite a beating getting divorced and having to move.. but still best thing to happen to me. You will get through this. Start to get all your records right. One of the first things I did was open my own bank account, everything up to then had been joint. That really helped me separate.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 9, 2015 13:07:04 GMT
Maybe he agreed so easily to counseling because he thinks that will be the opportunity to bring out into the open what is really going on - his chance to blast you with the news with someone else there to help handle the fallout? That was my thought.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 9, 2015 13:22:10 GMT
voltagain has given some really good btdt advice as have others on the board. Please, please listen. I agree, sis needs to go back to mom's. Might not be ideal for everyone else but it is what you need to do. Will there be drama? Probably. Will it make the financial situation between you and mom worse? Probably. But honestly, it would be very selfish of your mom not to recognize the seriousness and bleakness of your situation. To keep going the way you are is insane. Everyone else is happy but you and no one cares that you are miserable. Time for you. Even a teeny, tiny apartment would cost more than your mortgage? Do you think DS will go with you or stay with dad? If you think he would stay with dad then how about a room to rent in someone's home? Honestly, I don't know the area, or the dynamics and specifics of your situation BUT there is a solution, you just have to think outside the box and find it and it needs to involve you getting out. Fast. Good luck.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 13:53:15 GMT
Maybe he agreed so easily to counseling because he thinks that will be the opportunity to bring out into the open what is really going on - his chance to blast you with the news with someone else there to help handle the fallout? I agree with this 100%. It was my very first thought when OP said he agreed to counseling.
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Deleted
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May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 13:54:55 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him?
She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status
Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Nov 9, 2015 14:01:54 GMT
I am always surprised how people who will 110% take the side of one person who spills the story first. Calling OP's husband an assshole, kick him to the curb and on and on. Has anyone considered at all that OP's avoidance in this issue is one reason this man has mentally walked out. Is it a possibility she may be as painful to live with as him? She shows again and again some back peddling, some extra side info, some more avoidance and some more victim stories I cringe when I see the the bro dates threads because the threads all end the same with everyone calling the OP to action and the OP constantly back peddling, side stepping and avoiding and it must feel like a lot of pressure on her which may in fact be causing her to keep reiterating the proof or side stories of proof She is either too paralyzed to change or has possibly exaggerated her stories for the victim status Either way, more threads of this will always be the OP posting the same a little bit more proof and a lot more avoidance. The stories are so one-sided I'm not sure whether to roll my eyes at OP or feel sorry for her being so stuck I appreciate your feedback but I only wish I were exaggerating. As you know, it's hard to put every last mitigating detail in a post or even multiple posts but I only updated because someone asked. It's always one-sided since the nature of a message board. I'm sure I've done something to contribute to the situation. I'm not naive enough to think I haven't. It would be nice if he told me what it was though.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Nov 9, 2015 14:34:32 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You have received some excellent advice here. Many of us have been through some not so awesome divorces. Listen to those of us telling you that every minute you delay moving forward that he is 10 steps ahead of you. Meaning all your excuses to not pull the trigger right now, for all the valid reasons in your head, are actually going to shoot you in the foot.
You have a husband who has a history of an affair which you admit on this thread you didn't deal with properly. We have his currently suspicious behavior which is him either having an affair with this guy or using him as a cover for an affair with someone else. You must be a better person than I am because I would have been in his texts, emails and following him when he leaves for these meet ups months ago to figure it out.
As many people here have said, NOT NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Don't do it. You're putting yourself at risk every time you do. Make an appointment TODAY with your gyn to be tested. I don't want to sound like I'm screaming, but trust me when I say that you must do this. Do not delay it.
You have been putting yourself last for so long now that you can't see how bad your situation actually is. We all can. And you know what they say when all of us here are in total agreement about something.
1. Get yourself tested ASAP 2. Get a lawyer ASAP 3. Fuck going to therapy with this cheater, he only agreed to keep you appeased for now 4. Continue therapy for yourself 5. Find it within yourself to put yourself FIRST right now
Many of us know the overwhelming feelings you're having about this process. I am 1 million times better off today than I was married to a guy who made me feel less than nothing. Has it been easy? Nope. Has it been worth it? YES! I am stronger now than I ever thought possible and so are you.
(((Hugs)))
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Post by chlerbie on Nov 9, 2015 14:38:27 GMT
I've been in your situation where I kept choosing financial stability over happiness. Until I didn't. And things worked out fine. Some things are more important than money. Start working on things to get you out of where you are--either mentally or physically. I'll tell you--when I finally made the decision that life wasn't working for me and I needed to change and actually DID, it was a massive relief. I'm not AS stable as I was then but I'm stable enough and I'm actually happy and the trade off was totally worth it. You deserve it.
If your choice is to work on the marriage, then you actually need to work on that, on both sides. You're not happy with things the way that they are now, but you just kind of let him do his own thing, so why should he change? He needs to hear you and know that you're serious. I tried to work on things, made sure I changed what I thought were things he had honest complaints about, but when he couldn't bend for me in the same way, I knew I was done.
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Nov 9, 2015 14:42:40 GMT
Love you are standing in a room full of shit. You've contributed to the pile both personally and by allowing other people to look you in the eye while they shit on your floor!!!! Stop it! Stop having sex with a man who can't be bothered to even kiss you, stop tolerating abuse from a human you birthed and continue to feed and finance, stop catching coins from mommy in exchange for a major headache etc.
The lesson: Don't expect the people who shat all over you to own it. They won't. You have two choices. Remove the shit from your space. No sniffing or slinging it. Just cleaning. Or walk away from it all. When you are stepping over all that shit remember the mission isnt Operation Excuse.You need to take control of your own life. If you don't you are in for another 15 years of Game Night!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:09:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 14:44:22 GMT
Please take care of yourself...finances are NOT a reason to stay in this situation. I was married before and had two small boys and my ex H was the only one working....was it scary...absolutely...but it worked out and I am SO much happier.
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