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Post by cbet on Jul 24, 2014 3:42:48 GMT
Sorry, this got long.
I have a niece getting married early September, and her other aunts and I are throwing her a bridal shower. Please don't tell me it's tacky for the relatives to give a shower; my SIL thinks that it's the aunts' job and I'm not making waves.
Jobs for the shower were assigned, and I was given the task of invitations. It took me a week of evenings after work to complete them - partly because I probably made them a bit elaborate, and partly because she wanted to invite just about everyone she's ever said "hello" to. (Ok, I exaggerate - but my invite list was for 44 addresses, some with multiple people at that address, and I think that's a lot for a shower.)
I called to get a corrected address for one that was returned with a bad address, and she asked what address was used for someone that I didn't have on my list. I mentioned that I had a couple of extra invites and that if she sent me that person's contact info, I'd drop one more in the mail. That was this past weekend.
In this morning's email, I got a list of 14 (!) more people that she thought it would be nice to invite. I should mention that we were requesting RSVPs by August 2, so next Saturday - and the shower is the following week.
First, to my thinking, 14 is not "a couple of extra". I actually have 4 extra. Second, if I mail those 4 out tomorrow, that still really doesn't leave much time for people to RSVP. I am absolutely not making 10 more besides that. I have other things going on this weekend, and if she wanted this group of people, they should have been on the first list. Adding another 10 or 15 invites to the 50 I was making wouldn't have been that much more work, but doing them now is not happening. At first I was trying to be mellow, because people who don't make these things don't realize how much work they are, but then I realized that even if I used purchased invites from Walmart or Hallmark, I still would have never bought that many extra, so her couple of extra people would have still necessitated a trip to the store. And then I realized that between the phone call to get the correct address, and the e-mail with the new addresses, there was never a "thank you guys for doing this for me".
So, am I just being a cranky old lady and it's perfectly fine for someone to add that many new people to an invite list for a party that someone is throwing for you 2 weeks after the initial invites went out and one week before the RSVP date? Or, should I suck it up, give up the plans I had for the weekend and make 10 more of these things?
ETA: she didn't forget these 14 people because she was doing the list from her head - the original list was exported from her list of those being invited to the wedding, which she has stored on her hard drive. So that's not the reason for all the extras.
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Post by shevy on Jul 24, 2014 3:45:06 GMT
Wine. My answer is lots of breathing and wine.
I think she expects way too much.
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Post by wiipii2 on Jul 24, 2014 3:46:04 GMT
What about just buying a pack of invites for the last 15 people or however many you need and just sending them off tomorrow and then don't worry about it.
I'd probably be pissy about it but at least this way she gets to invite more people and you don't have to put more work in and it doesn't create waves.
Sorry you're in this position.
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Deleted
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Oct 5, 2024 22:44:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 3:46:51 GMT
I'd go buy some basic invites, get them sent out and not squeak anther word about the shower to her until the day it happens.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 24, 2014 3:48:11 GMT
For the sake of family relations I would probably compromise and pick up a package of invites when I was doing my weekly shopping at Target.
I would quickly address them and drop them in the mail.
I wouldn't do anything fancy or elaborate.
I wouldn't stress about dates and numbers and RSVPs. That's not your assigned area, let someone else deal with that.
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Post by elaine on Jul 24, 2014 3:48:58 GMT
What about just buying a pack of invites for the last 15 people or however many you need and just sending them off tomorrow and then don't worry about it. I'd probably be pissy about it but at least this way she gets to invite more people and you don't have to put more work in and it doesn't create waves. Sorry you're in this position. This. |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 24, 2014 3:49:07 GMT
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I support your position and think it is cutting pretty close.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 24, 2014 3:50:01 GMT
I wouldn't make more of them. I would buy extra invites. Hell, I think you can find some at the dollar store.
But I wouldn't be cantankerous about her not expressing appreciation until AFTER the shower is thrown and she still doesn't thank you.
ETA:
Oooh, if you wanna mess with her, you wanna tell her that she shouldn't be adding these extras to the shower unless she's adding them to the wedding guest list? (That is the rule, isn't it?)
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 24, 2014 3:50:36 GMT
I think she's the one who's unreasonable. When the shower is being thrown for you, it's up to whoever is throwing it to decide on the guest list (not to mention the size of the shower).
Not only are you put out and the added guests left wondering why they're being asked at the last minute, but the aunts who are planning the food, etc. now have to allow for the fact that 14 more people might be coming?
You also might remind your niece that everyone she invites to the shower also has to be invited to the wedding. Depending on who's footing the bill for that, it might get her to change her mind.
Good luck!
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 24, 2014 3:52:58 GMT
When the shower is being thrown for you, it's up to whoever is throwing it to decide on the guest list (not to mention the size of the shower).  Um, I guarantee you that no one throwing me a shower of any kind would have any idea who to put on a guest list. My family wouldn't know my friends and vice versa. |
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 24, 2014 3:55:58 GMT
I don't care for doing multiple rounds of invites. It is one thing if a person accidentally was left off of the original list, but fourteen more people seems unlikely to be in that category, and makes those new people kind of second-stringers. Also I agree with you that adding 1/3 more people to an already large invite list for a party other people are throwing for you seems pretty presumptuous. Will your chosen venue accommodate that many more? Mine wouldn't have, and the catering already would have been set up.
However, that said, I don't think it is a huge deal to pick up a pack of cheap shower invites and send them to the new people. So while I think what she is doing is tacky, I don't think the invites themselves really are the problem.
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perumbula
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Post by perumbula on Jul 24, 2014 3:57:23 GMT
I agree with just buying the invites and yes, I'd be cantankerous too. I hope she does appreciate what you are doing for her. My dd is getting married on Aug. 9th and won't be having a shower. I didn't have time to throw one, and not one other person offered. Her bridesmaids are all either traveling here for the wedding or are her little sisters (14 and 9.) One of my sisters halfheartedly mentioned that she didn't think people would want to travel "all the way" to the next town where she lives (12 miles away) to attend the bridal shower. I knew she didn't really want to do it. Not one of my friends has offered. Nothing makes me feel more like my dd was never really accepted and loved than this. No shower. Not one person loved her enough to throw her a shower.  Luckily she's a young bride and hasn't noticed the lack. Someday when her friends are getting married she will, though. Thank you so much for being willing to do this. Your niece may not ever fully appreciate what you are doing, but it's awesome. Great job, Aunt! |
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marianne
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Post by marianne on Jul 24, 2014 3:58:21 GMT
I'd go buy some basic invites, get them sent out and not squeak anther word about the shower to her until the day it happens.  |
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Post by theboydbunch on Jul 24, 2014 4:06:13 GMT
I agree with just buying the invites and yes, I'd be cantankerous too. I hope she does appreciate what you are doing for her. My dd is getting married on Aug. 9th and won't be having a shower. I didn't have time to throw one, and not one other person offered. Her bridesmaids are all either traveling here for the wedding or are her little sisters (14 and 9.) One of my sisters halfheartedly mentioned that she didn't think people would want to travel "all the way" to the next town where she lives (12 miles away) to attend the bridal shower. I knew she didn't really want to do it. Not one of my friends has offered. Nothing makes me feel more like my dd was never really accepted and loved than this. No shower. Not one person loved her enough to throw her a shower. Luckily she's a young bride and hasn't noticed the lack. Someday when her friends are getting married she will, though. Thank you so much for being willing to do this. Your niece may not ever fully appreciate what you are doing, but it's awesome. Great job, Aunt! This makes me sad I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter. Does she have friends she works with? Perhaps they will do something for her there. |
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 24, 2014 4:11:38 GMT
When the shower is being thrown for you, it's up to whoever is throwing it to decide on the guest list (not to mention the size of the shower). Um, I guarantee you that no one throwing me a shower of any kind would have any idea who to put on a guest list. My family wouldn't know my friends and vice versa. Well, then they could ask you who of your friends/family you would like to be invited. My point being that they do the asking, not the bride do the telling. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 4:14:48 GMT
I agree. Wine.
For what it's worth, it is absolutely appropriate for the aunts to throw a shower.
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Post by Chips on Jul 24, 2014 4:16:43 GMT
For the sake of family relations I would probably compromise and pick up a package of invites when I was doing my weekly shopping at Target. I would quickly address them and drop them in the mail. I wouldn't do anything fancy or elaborate. I wouldn't stress about dates and numbers and RSVPs. That's not your assigned area, let someone else deal with that. ^ this, unfortunately all weddings have some type of drama and some are way worse. When you pick up the basic invites be sure a get a delicious bottle of wine  |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 24, 2014 4:32:53 GMT
Um, I guarantee you that no one throwing me a shower of any kind would have any idea who to put on a guest list. My family wouldn't know my friends and vice versa. Well, then they could ask you who of your friends/family you would like to be invited. My point being that they do the asking, not the bride do the telling. 'K. Gotcha now. Thanks. |
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jul 24, 2014 4:38:50 GMT
I agree with buying a pack of invites fill them out and send. I would also tell her no more because it cutting it close as y'all need a head count for who will actually be attending from the people who were invited...I'm assuming food will be provided so if she keeps inviting you won't have food for everyone.
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Post by I-95 on Jul 24, 2014 4:42:37 GMT
I'd be bent out of shape, but I'd go grab some ready made invites and throw them in the mail. 14 people is not an oversight it's a gift grab.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Jul 24, 2014 4:59:37 GMT
I'm in your corner. I wouldn't buy or send any more invitations. It's too late, it's inconsiderate of you and the other aunts who are hosting the party, and it isn't appropriate to invite to a shower any guests not invited to the wedding. Maybe I'm weird, but I had a vision of someone giving the bride a framed copy of the shower invite (the original ones you made) as a shower gift. Wouldn't the guests who were invited last minute (with dollar store invitations) feel special if that were the case?  |
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Post by lucyg on Jul 24, 2014 5:43:15 GMT
I would be concerned about whether all the aunts were willing to host that many more guests. When I give a shower, I ask for the guest of honor's input on the guest list, but I also set a limit on the number of guests I'm willing to host. Could be money, could be space, could just be attitude.
I would not be willing to add 1/3 more guests without consulting with the other hostesses first.
Perumbula, I'm sorry about your DD's friends/family not stepping up to host. Poor girly. Could you host a little party for her without calling it a shower? A luncheon or something for her to remember fondly?
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 24, 2014 6:44:17 GMT
I'd go buy some basic invites, get them sent out and not squeak anther word about the shower to her until the day it happens. Another from me. |
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eastcoastpea
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 24, 2014 8:00:22 GMT
Sorry, this got long.
I have a niece getting married early September, and her other aunts and I are throwing her a bridal shower. Please don't tell me it's tacky for the relatives to give a shower; my SIL thinks that it's the aunts' job and I'm not making waves.
Jobs for the shower were assigned, and I was given the task of invitations. It took me a week of evenings after work to complete them - partly because I probably made them a bit elaborate, and partly because she wanted to invite just about everyone she's ever said "hello" to. (Ok, I exaggerate - but my invite list was for 44 addresses, some with multiple people at that address, and I think that's a lot for a shower.)
I called to get a corrected address for one that was returned with a bad address, and she asked what address was used for someone that I didn't have on my list. I mentioned that I had a couple of extra invites and that if she sent me that person's contact info, I'd drop one more in the mail. That was this past weekend.
In this morning's email, I got a list of 14 (!) more people that she thought it would be nice to invite. I should mention that we were requesting RSVPs by August 2, so next Saturday - and the shower is the following week.
First, to my thinking, 14 is not "a couple of extra". I actually have 4 extra. Second, if I mail those 4 out tomorrow, that still really doesn't leave much time for people to RSVP. I am absolutely not making 10 more besides that. I have other things going on this weekend, and if she wanted this group of people, they should have been on the first list. Adding another 10 or 15 invites to the 50 I was making wouldn't have been that much more work, but doing them now is not happening. At first I was trying to be mellow, because people who don't make these things don't realize how much work they are, but then I realized that even if I used purchased invites from Walmart or Hallmark, I still would have never bought that many extra, so her couple of extra people would have still necessitated a trip to the store. And then I realized that between the phone call to get the correct address, and the e-mail with the new addresses, there was never a "thank you guys for doing this for me".
So, am I just being a cranky old lady and it's perfectly fine for someone to add that many new people to an invite list for a party that someone is throwing for you 2 weeks after the initial invites went out and one week before the RSVP date? Or, should I suck it up, give up the plans I had for the weekend and make 10 more of these things?
ETA: she didn't forget these 14 people because she was doing the list from her head - the original list was exported from her list of those being invited to the wedding, which she has stored on her hard drive. So that's not the reason for all the extras.
I agree with voltagain and myshelly. It's rough when you get grey hair and it's not even because of your own kids. |
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back to *pea*ality
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 24, 2014 11:04:41 GMT
What a PITA this niece is.
I'd check with the aunt's first about hosting 14 extra and if the have no objection then I would buy a pack of ready made invites and send them.
Btw, I've never heard it was the aunt's *responsibility* to throw the bridal shower. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 24, 2014 11:21:36 GMT
You are not being unreasonable. It seems to me, these extra 14 people are an after thought and if not on the original list, must not be very important people in her life but rather acquaintances.
This is probably not the best way to handle it but I this is what I would do...I would resend the one that had the bad address and forget about the extra 14 that were not on the original list.
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Post by cbet on Jul 24, 2014 11:45:10 GMT
Thanks for the responses, all. I needed a bit of perspective on the whole thing. I talked to my hubby about it, since it's for "his" niece and he was more bent out of shape than I was. He told me he wouldn't send out a single extra at this point  Perumbula, I am so sorry to hear that no one stepped up to throw a shower for your daughter. I know when something like that happened to my son, it didn't seem to faze him, but it cut me to the bone. It wasn't the bride's mother who came up with the "aunts throw the shower" edict; it was my husband's sister (the one I call "Sarge"). She was stressed out about having to throw it and I told her I'd be happy to help. Husband told me that the bride didn't have any girlfriends in high school and her college friends are pretty far away; she's only having two bridesmaids and one is from a state away. The other is her cousin, so that mom is in on the shower and I suspect that she will be helping with it. In the e-mail with the extra people, she did say that if I had "only a handful" of invites left, I should let her know and she would let me know which people on the new list should get them. So I emailed her back late last night and told her how many invites I had and that she should let me know who to send them to, since they really need to go out today. I didn't have a problem with picking up something premade, but like was mentioned by someone above, I don't want the second group of people to wonder why their invites were different; I don't know how any of these people are related to those who already have invites, and the invite I made was involved enough that I could picture someone at the shower mentioning the invite to one of the second group and causing hard feelings. And I probably am just being cantankerous. |
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 24, 2014 11:46:59 GMT
You're being cantankerous, but rightfully so.
Perumbula, that sucks.
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styxgirl
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Post by styxgirl on Jul 24, 2014 12:02:57 GMT
Typically about half of all the people you invite will show up anyway. She's probably figured that out and thought to invite a few more people to up the number of guests with presents.
I would just go buy a pack of basic baby shower invites , mail them and call it good!
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ddly
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Post by ddly on Jul 24, 2014 12:09:06 GMT
I don't care for doing multiple rounds of invites. It is one thing if a person accidentally was left off of the original list, but fourteen more people seems unlikely to be in that category, and makes those new people kind of second-stringers. Also I agree with you that adding 1/3 more people to an already large invite list for a party other people are throwing for you seems pretty presumptuous. Will your chosen venue accommodate that many more? Mine wouldn't have, and the catering already would have been set up. However, that said, I don't think it is a huge deal to pick up a pack of cheap shower invites and send them to the new people. So while I think what she is doing is tacky, I don't think the invites themselves really are the problem. I agree with this. I'd just do it and complain to DH about it. Lisa D. |
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Um, I guarantee you that no one throwing me a shower of any kind would have any idea who to put on a guest list. My family wouldn't know my friends and vice versa.
Luckily she's a young bride and hasn't noticed the lack. Someday when her friends are getting married she will, though. 
