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Post by meeko77 on Jul 24, 2014 3:56:12 GMT
For those of you who are my facebook friends, please don't allude to this on facebook, as this hasn't been discussed with any of our friends and family yet. A little background in case you don't "know" me on here: I am a lesbian, involved in a long term relationship (5 years in 2 weeks)  . My partner and I have been having the family planning discussion for years now. We have been mostly talking me having a baby with a donor, but we haven't been against adoption at all, we just have always figured no agency would give us a baby since we are a lesbian couple. We did consider adopting through the foster care system as well, but for various reasons haven't seriously pursued it. Anyway, tonight we have been given a possible lead on an opportunity to adopt an 11 month old baby boy. Nothing too serious, so we trying not to get excited. This is third person information(from my neighbor), so I am not sure how good the info is and how available the baby really is. However, me and my partner are having a "discussion" about something. This is what I want some various opinions on: Let me add this legal information here. We live in South Carolina. Non married couples are not allowed to adopt jointly, and same sex marriage is not recognized at all, even from another state (constitutional amendment). We are not prohibited from adopting as a single person. So one of us can legally adopt. IF we find a gay friendly judge, we can possibly add a second parent adoption later. The law here is unclear, so some judges are allowing it. Anyway, that brings me to the dilemma we are having. We are having a slight disagreement on something: My partner feels that I should pursue the adoption alone. She feels the mother/grandmother (who is the one spreading the word the baby is available, which is why are are hesitant, we haven't heard how the mother feels about it) will be more likely to choose me simply because I would "look" more impressive on paper, and can answer all the questions, etc more smoothly. Her point is I don't "look" like a lesbian (you know the old stereotype thing), I am a nurse, on top of that a nurse for newborns and moms, and in the past was a pediatric nurse, and I have worked in a day care and have experience in general being around kids, babysitting, etc, when I was younger. I have been at the same job for 12 years, own a house, etc. I am ready and able to take care of this child, even if I didn't have my partner. She is a teacher, but has been unemployed the past couple of years, though she has a job now for this coming school year which we are super stoked about  . My partner (and neighbor) thinks I should not volunteer that I am a lesbian, and present myself as a single woman (which legally, I am). She feels the family will not allow the adoption if they knew we are a couple. (The grandmother is from my neighbor's church, which is how we heard about it. Around here, MOST people (but not all) are not very gay friendly.) Let me be clear, we do not know this family at all. We know nothing about them other than the grandmother is saying the baby needs to be adopted. So, we don't even know this is the case. They could be perfectly fine, who knows? On the other hand, I feel we need to be straightforward from the beginning that we are a couple. I would rather know for sure from the beginning if this is going to be used as a reason not to choose us before I even get my heart set on this child whatsoever. I also fear that if the mother finds out later that we are a couple, she could think that if we didn't disclose this, then we could be not disclosing other things. I fear that we could have this child for months and then the mother find out and change her mind and we lose the baby before the adoption is finalized. I would be totally devastated if that happened. So I am more of the opinion we disclose it from the beginning. I would rather be rejected from the beginning than have it come up later and we lose him. Again, we still have to find out more about it. There is absolutely nothing for sure yet. But, because we want to be on the same page about this, I figured I would put it out there to the varied opinions of the board. So, what do you all think? |
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439 
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on Jul 24, 2014 4:04:11 GMT
Honestly, I think you are right about disclosing right from the start. With how long it takes to finalize an adoption after initial placement, she does have the chance to change her mind. You are open about your relationship with everyone in your life. It's very possible that she would hear about your relationship at some point. Her relative does live right next door.
And even if you don't get this baby, I really believe that honesty is best. You are open about who you are always, why try to hide it for one of the most important decisions of your life?
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,770
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 24, 2014 4:08:11 GMT
This is a tough dilemma. My initial instinct would be to do whatever it took to have the baby, because I wanted that baby so bad. Then, in thinking about it, I would realize that the lie is too large. What happens after? So yes, sensibly, the truth would be ideal (but so risky). Ugh.
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Post by meeko77 on Jul 24, 2014 4:09:35 GMT
Honestly, I think you are right about disclosing right from the start. With how long it takes to finalize an adoption after initial placement, she does have the chance to change her mind. You are open about your relationship with everyone in your life. It's very possible that she would hear about your relationship at some point. Her relative does live right next door. And even if you don't get this baby, I really believe that honesty is best. You are open about who you are always, why try to hide it for one of the most important decisions of your life? We are not "very open" we just don't hide it. We are who we are. My neighbor is a church member of the grandmother, not a relative. Sorry if my OP sounded like that. I worry that it will sound garbled to others. Make sense to me, of course, but I never know if it does to other people. |
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Post by shevy on Jul 24, 2014 4:10:07 GMT
Honesty. When you're not, it will come back to bite you and possibly the child.
Good luck!
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Post by meeko77 on Jul 24, 2014 4:10:49 GMT
This is a tough dilemma. My initial instinct would be to do whatever it took to have the baby, because I wanted that baby so bad. Then, in thinking about it, I would realize that the lie is too large. What happens after? So yes, sensibly, the truth would be ideal (but so risky). Ugh. I made it clear that I would not outright lie if asked. She is just thinking I should just not mention it. Kind of like: don't volunteer, don't lie. |
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Post by Belia on Jul 24, 2014 4:13:09 GMT
I think you need to be open and 100% truthful about your relationship status as well.
Best of luck to you and your DP as you (maybe?!?) begin the journey toward parenting!
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Post by meridon on Jul 24, 2014 4:14:36 GMT
If you are going to have to "hide" who you are, I'd back away. What kind of adoption do want? What level of openness? Completely closed? If open, what legal obligations do you have under state law? (some states specify requirements). Do you have a completed home study? Are you working with an adoption attorney to pursue a private adoption should you be able to locate your own birth mother? Where is this baby currently? Living with his bio mom? If so, why has she suddenly decided she can no longer parent? Total stream of consciousness here and I know you have way more questions than answers at this point.
Bottom line: as an adoptive mom of 3, my opinion is that if you feel that you can't be honest and up front about who you are and your relationship, you need to move on. It's one thing to put your best foot forward, so to speak, to a prospective birthmom/dad, but something altogether to have to hide such a fundamental part of who you are. This is an issue you will face in pursuit of any adoption, not just this potential situation, so you really need to give it some serious thought. If you want any kind of openness in an adoption (which is more the norm than the exception these days), I can't imagine how a birth parent would feel if they found out after the fact.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 24, 2014 4:15:39 GMT
I agree w/perumbula. Tough call, but honesty is always best.
Hope it works out for you guys!
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Post by manda on Jul 24, 2014 4:22:48 GMT
I know it's easy for me to say, but you should not hide who you are. Even through omission. If it's meant to be, it will be.
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Post by worrywart on Jul 24, 2014 4:23:05 GMT
Yeah, as hard as it is, I think the birthparents have a right to know that information. Adoptions should be built on trust and honesty.
Good luck as you move closer to parenthood!
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 24, 2014 4:24:19 GMT
I am so sorry that your sexual orientation affects the adoption process and makes you have to ask us these questions.
I have a lot of friends who have adopted who are gay, but, honestly, they are not in SC (I lived there for five years so know exactly what it is like there, or was, anyhow). The few who I know who were in couples who adopted without disclosing their status adopted internationally, which was a different kind of process than what you probably are looking at. Honestly in your position I think I would feel the same way and I think I would prefer to disclose up front and hope for the best. I do not know the timeline for adoption finalization in SC but would be so nervous the whole time and devastated if I lost the baby because they found out in the interval.
So I think I agree with you. Again, I am sorry it is even an issue. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide and in however you may decide to form your family.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 4:24:53 GMT
Most states require a home study even for private adoptions. Your relationship is going to come to light at that point I would think because your partner lives in the home as well.
Given your legal status in your state I don't see you having a choice other than adopting as a single person but I'd make sure the birth mother knew you weren't alone even though it is a single adoption.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jul 24, 2014 4:25:47 GMT
Part if me thinks do whatever you need to do but in reality the smart thing I think you should do in long run is be open. I mean at least if your open and the mother is ok with it then you can breath a sign of relief because that's your biggest hurdle. If mom isn't cool with it then at least you know from start before emotions are invested to much.
I wish you and your partner much luck!
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 24, 2014 4:43:34 GMT
I also am going to go with honesty as the best policy: I think that one of the first questions you're going to be asked is "how come you're adopting as a single parent" or some variation thereof.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 4:56:52 GMT
I think you'll be required to have a home study, and I don't see how you'd be able to get through that without your relationship status being known.
Not to mention, I think it's just wrong to hide the relationship, given the circumstances. I don't think it would cause any issues between the two of you now, but life and emotions can be funny and down the road... who knows. There could be tension about how the process went.
I am not generally an "ends justify the means" person and I think later, you might regret engaging in subterfuge to build a family.
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Post by meeko77 on Jul 24, 2014 4:59:28 GMT
Thank you everyone for the responses. I have read every one of them, and I am going to try to address some of the questions (what little bit I know, anyway). If you are going to have to "hide" who you are, I'd back away. What kind of adoption do want? What level of openness? Completely closed? If open, what legal obligations do you have under state law? (some states specify requirements). Do you have a completed home study? Are you working with an adoption attorney to pursue a private adoption should you be able to locate your own birth mother? Where is this baby currently? Living with his bio mom? If so, why has she suddenly decided she can no longer parent? Total stream of consciousness here and I know you have way more questions than answers at this point. Bottom line: as an adoptive mom of 3, my opinion is that if you feel that you can't be honest and up front about who you are and your relationship, you need to move on. It's one thing to put your best foot forward, so to speak, to a prospective birthmom/dad, but something altogether to have to hide such a fundamental part of who you are. This is an issue you will face in pursuit of any adoption, not just this potential situation, so you really need to give it some serious thought. If you want any kind of openness in an adoption (which is more the norm than the exception these days), I can't imagine how a birth parent would feel if they found out after the fact. I wasn't actively pursuing adoption really, but have always been open to the idea. So, no, we do not currently have a lawyer or a completed home study. Like I said, we always assumed no agency would give us a baby anyway (all the agencies I know of are Christian agencies). We were open to the idea of foster care adoption, but also have seen/heard some heartbreaking stories as well, with TPR supposedly a "sure thing" and the rest of the family not interested or unfit, and then bam! here comes someone out of the woodwork and takes the child, or the parent does not get a TPR and child goes back to the parent(s) after a year or more in the home. I am also not a huge fan of our foster care system in this area. That is a whole other story that I could go on about for half a day, but suffice it to say, our system here SUCKS! So, while we are not actively pursing adoption, this kind of just came up. It's funny it did too, because lately my heart has been turning more and more toward adoption, but I never really said anything to anyone. Just one of my private thoughts. Anyway, in this particular case, I would leave the level of openness up to the birth mother/grandmother. I am not sure what our legal obligations would be. That, I would need to do more research on. Thanks for giving me some insight though on things I need to be looking into. This is the kind of advice I need. (Edited to remove some information) Again, this is just being tossed around as an idea, and was just mentioned to us in passing tonight, we are not set on it yet, just tossing around ideas. I am thinking more critically than my partner, she is already falling in love with the idea. While I am thinking critically and rationally, I can't help but get a little hopeful. I know it is not a likely chance, but man I can't help but hope. I am going to try to talk to her more tomorrow (she's asleep right now) and convince her honesty really is the best way. Upfront from the beginning. I have also cautioned her that hearing this third hand is risky as well. This baby may not even be available for adoption. This grandmother could possibly be overstepping her bounds (a lot). I am so sorry that your sexual orientation affects the adoption process and makes you have to ask us these questions. I have a lot of friends who have adopted who are gay, but, honestly, they are not in SC (I lived there for five years so know exactly what it is like there, or was, anyhow). The few who I know who were in couples who adopted without disclosing their status adopted internationally, which was a different kind of process than what you probably are looking at. Honestly in your position I think I would feel the same way and I think I would prefer to disclose up front and hope for the best. I do not know the timeline for adoption finalization in SC but would be so nervous the whole time and devastated if I lost the baby because they found out in the interval. So I think I agree with you. Again, I am sorry it is even an issue. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide and in however you may decide to form your family. Thank you so much! I actually got a little teary reading that. People honestly don't know "the struggle" of being lesbian in a very conservative area. I am so glad some straight people actually "get it". That goes for all of you who responded, too, not just epeanymous. I honestly appreciate my online friends. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 5:12:50 GMT
You sound like a couple who would make fantastic parents and I don't think you should hide who you are. Your being gay isn't a disease, a wretched , communicable disease but a fundamental part of who you are. And frankly if the adoptive parents only have that as a reason to deny you that baby, then that baby isnt for you. Maybe that sounds weird (again it makes sense to ME...) but I say be proud of all you can offer a child, financially, emotionally, culturally and damned the ppl who don't like it. There will be someone who doesn't care if you're gay, only that their baby will be best with YOU. Wait for him/her.
Best of luck!!!!
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Post by Katiepotatie on Jul 24, 2014 5:28:20 GMT
Straight forward and upfront. Otherwise I think you'd be taking a step backward, hiding back in a closet. I hate that it is this way for you, your partner, and so many others.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 24, 2014 5:49:04 GMT
Be honest. Don't go back into the closet. If you lose this one, another will come along (I HOPE!!). Good luck!
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 24, 2014 6:03:52 GMT
I don't have advice but just wanted to let you know i'll be sending you happy baby thoughts continuously! I just adore both of you and you will be the BEST parents....what a lucky kid, however he/she joins your family.
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Post by meeko77 on Jul 24, 2014 7:27:33 GMT
Awww I love all of y'all <3
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 24, 2014 15:08:07 GMT
Open and honest makes for the best relationship. How exciting if adoption of this baby into your life becomes possible.
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MaryC
Full Member
Posts: 213
Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
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Post by MaryC on Jul 24, 2014 15:45:48 GMT
I think if you try to hide your relationship and adopt, you run a huge risk of having the adoption challenged down the road, and finding yourself embroiled in a painful legal battle. While it saddens me that sexual orientation is even a factor in whether you can adopt, I hope times are changing enough that in a year or two, it won't even be an issue.
I always believe your relationship with your partner is too important to hide, even for the sake of finding a child.
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Post by *christine* on Jul 24, 2014 15:55:25 GMT
Well, first off, you should just move up here to Massachusetts and get married and adopt babies anyway!
I'm sad that you even have to consider these options after being in a loving relationship for five years. I agree with so many others that honesty is the best policy in this situation and shame on anyone who doesn't recognize you and your partner's ability to be loving parents to any child placed in your care. A kid couldn't do much better than having a nurse and a teacher for moms.
I wish you nothing but the best and hope that the perfect child comes into your lives.
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Post by NanaKate on Jul 24, 2014 16:03:12 GMT
Honesty in this case for sure is the best policy IMHO. Good luck!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 24, 2014 16:16:59 GMT
I agree with everyone else. Keeping my fingers crossed, though, that this works out for you.
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Post by PinkPrincess77 on Jul 24, 2014 16:23:49 GMT
I also adore you and think you'll make fantastic parents. From a legal standpoint, I'd say that you need to disclose. Although I know that most of SC is NOT a gay-friendly state, I'd hate to see possible legal ramifications if your sexual orientation were not revealed beforehand. You know how I think and feel; it's a bullshit law in all states. *I'm not going to get started* *I'm not going to get started*
I'd just be honest...LOL
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 5, 2024 22:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 16:30:17 GMT
You have to be honest. But can I just say I am so angry that this is an issue in this country. It is absolute bull and screw those that still feel it isn't "right". A loving family is a loving family no matter their gender or sexual orientation. We as a country need to end this discrimination. It makes us look so backwards. Blah. Good luck to you both.
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Post by 1lear on Jul 24, 2014 16:36:46 GMT
I agree with the others-being honest is the best policy. Good luck-I hope it works out for you!
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. My partner and I have been having the family planning discussion for years now. We have been mostly talking me having a baby with a donor, but we haven't been against adoption at all, we just have always figured no agency would give us a baby since we are a lesbian couple. We did consider adopting through the foster care system as well, but for various reasons haven't seriously pursued it. 
. My partner (and neighbor) thinks I should not volunteer that I am a lesbian, and present myself as a single woman (which legally, I am). She feels the family will not allow the adoption if they knew we are a couple. (The grandmother is from my neighbor's church, which is how we heard about it. Around here, MOST people (but not all) are not very gay friendly.) Let me be clear, we do not know this family at all. We know nothing about them other than the grandmother is saying the baby needs to be adopted. So, we don't even know this is the case. They could be perfectly fine, who knows? 
