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Post by pierkiss on Jan 8, 2016 12:06:08 GMT
I'm sorry but I don't think I would be offering to pay for this wedding. Your son has acted terribly in the past. I know things are better now, but for me, I'm not one to forget all the other things. And they are so young, and you and your husband are not fully supportive of this relationship. To me, that equals them paying for this life choice they are making. If they want to be grownups and make this very adult decision they can start by paying for their wedding.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jan 8, 2016 12:41:41 GMT
I would have lunch with them and listen to what is on their hearts. Personally I wouldn't give a dollar amount. That is just me. We have lived by the advice of you take my money than I have input and you weigh my advice and opinion. If my kids don't do that and go there own way I won't be investing in it unless I think it is something I can see is a good choice. I want them to be able to love their life and choose well but I am not throwing my money at careless decisions.
I think showing your support and being open to it is a step (and not a small one) and this gives everyone time to plan and prepare. Maybe they will share what they desire or if they are open to other things. You could share about the backyard option casually and see if they are open to it. They may be or may have something else totally in mind and want to see how much money you are willing to help with.
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Post by maryland on Jan 8, 2016 13:11:41 GMT
Thank you! I can't tell you how many times I heard that we better start saving for the weddings when we had our third girl. Not about saving for college, but saving for weddings.  My aunt and uncle paid for their kids 3 girls 1 boy education. The kids paid for their own weddings.  I love that! Our kids are still preteen/teen, but even they aren't dreaming about weddings. To be honest, I can't picture any of them getting married, so I don't think it will be an issue! And if they did, I picture them flying off to a beach location and getting married with just their husband! |
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Post by jenb72 on Jan 8, 2016 13:19:07 GMT
I wish they would be happy with a Vegas wedding but I have a feeling she is going to want the "princess package". She has said a few things in the past that have me thinking that but I could be pleasantly surprised tomorrow. What she wants and reality are two very different things. Time to start learning that life lesson now. My oldest DD and her DH got married three years ago. Her father (my XDH) paid nothing and I paid very little. We just couldn't afford to. But I helped in other ways as much as I could. It fell on DD and her then fiance to pay for most of it. His parents didn't pay much, either, although they did help with the deposit on the venue. They had a beautiful wedding in the mountains at a log cabin retreat. I paid for the cabin rental for our family, DD and her bridesmaids for the night before the wedding. The wedding and reception both took place in one of their pavilions and there was plenty of room for the 25 or so guests that came. She bought her dress herself. Her fiance bought the vests and ties he, his brother and my DS wore. The food was very simple - Chick-Fil-A (my DD's choice) - and every bit of it got eaten. They were married by her fiance's uncle. The music was hand-picked by DD and burned to CDs for everyone to take home (part of my contribution). The cake was done by Publix and beautiful. The flowers were roses made of burlap, wrapped around branches DD and I had gathered and wrapped with purple ribbon. The table settings were just white plates/cups and regular silverware provided by the venue and we dressed the tables with burlap runners I made and jars filled with river rocks and white candles (all courtesy of the dollar store). Centerpieces were larger jars (also dollar store), river rocks and pussy willows (Michael's). It really was beautiful, and everyone loved the casual atmosphere and had a great time. We had to do setup and cleanup, but with so many mothers around, that didn't take long. It can be done, and it can be done well, for very little. There's no reason to go spending a ton of money - especially when they're starting out with so very little. It's a great lesson to start them out with and to help them learn the value of a dollar. Jen |
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Post by bostonmama on Jan 8, 2016 13:29:38 GMT
Getting married is a very 'adult' thing to do. From past posts, I know your DS's girlfriend likes the best of everything and all but demands it. If everyone keeps enabling her then she will never grow up. You're being a supportive mother, which I commend you for, but you don't support this marriage. So, why finance it? Is your DS more excited that you accept it because he wants your blessing and attendance, or because in his mind your acceptance translates to financial assistance?
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Post by teddyw on Jan 8, 2016 13:44:56 GMT
I'm having lunch with them tomorrow so see what they have in mind. I know as the Groom's parents we aren't expected to pay for the wedding but her parents have a very limited income so I know we will have to pitch in more than normal. I think all the old "expectations" are out the window. I don't know of anyone who thinks the bride's family is responsible for the whole thing. You don't "have to" pitch in any more than you are comfortable with - just make sure that what you pitch in for one of your children is the same amount you pitch in to any other children.
I would use the lunch to let them tell you their plans. If they are being ridiculous about wanting a big, expensive reception, then I would ask them how much they think that costs, and how they are planning to pay for it. Their getting married in your backyard doesn't really save them anything. They can get married in a church for the same amount. The reception, gown, flowers, photography, etc are the big costs. If you host the reception in your backyard, that would save them money. The one thing we splurged on for our wedding was the photography. Our pictures are phenomenal and I am glad to have them.
Can you tell that to my future sil's family? |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 8, 2016 15:36:09 GMT
I hope I'm remembering correctly that you've had a very tumultuous relationship with your son recently. I would proceed exceedingly cautiously regarding the wedding. It's one thing to "accept" that they're engaged. Which to me means including her in family events, discussing them as if they have a future. It's a whole other thing to involve yourself in wedding planning. I would in particular avoid using money to influence their plans. It's not whether or not waiting to get married is a good idea. It's whether you're setting yourself up for conflict between you and the couple when you've just finally reconnected with your son. If you do decide to contribute to the cost of the wedding, I'd state what you're willing to pay and step aside. I think wedding planning is stressful for healthy relationships, I surely wouldn't want to go through it with tenuous relationships. If I've mixed you up with another pea, my apologies.
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Post by flanz on Jan 8, 2016 20:37:50 GMT
I wish they would be happy with a Vegas wedding but I have a feeling she is going to want the "princess package". She has said a few things in the past that have me thinking that but I could be pleasantly surprised tomorrow. Wanting and affording are two very different things, eh? If they are too immature to know what they can really afford, you may need to really help them see the light. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:46:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 23:13:36 GMT
I updated the OP
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AnotherPea on Jan 8, 2016 23:16:06 GMT
Looks like it will be a 2017 wedding!
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Post by bostonmama on Jan 8, 2016 23:17:25 GMT
I'm not surprised in the least! She's a piece of work!
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,381
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 8, 2016 23:22:00 GMT
Holy cow! You predicted the princess bit but I didn't think she'd try to make that a Disney princess.
Did they look at you like they were waiting for you to say "OK"?
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 8, 2016 23:26:26 GMT
This is the perfect opportunity to teach them how to budget and save for a big goal. You can still put towards whatever amount you want to, you don't have to foot the entire bill. If they are old enough to be married, they are old enough to face the realities of adulthood, and that includes paying for your own dream wedding.
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 8, 2016 23:28:57 GMT
Wow. The nice thing is, she is going to have to wait. Perhaps you could help both of them by showing them how to create a budget and let them see just how long it will take to save 5k. I would now just let this rest and see what happens. Of course she gave you the lowest prices because isn't that what you do to convince yourself you can afford something? Which princess is it that sings "Let it go?" Maybe get them that soundtrack.
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RosieKat
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PeaJect #12
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Post by RosieKat on Jan 8, 2016 23:31:51 GMT
Well, kudos for going into the lunch with an open mind.  Sorry it didn't work out that way... Yeah, I think it's time to be frank and honest. I wouldn't want to be financing a Disney princess wedding for people who don't even really know how they're going to support themselves, even assuming I could afford it. I'm thinking you and DH need to figure out what you're willing to contribute, and perhaps let them know that you're willing to contribute up to $x "for the wedding and setting up your household." Realize that it'll probably all go towards princessy crap, but you never know, maybe they'll wise up and just do a nice simple wedding and use the rest as a rent deposit and new furniture. You can always keep dreaming. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 23:34:00 GMT
Which princess is it that sings "Let it go?" Maybe get them that soundtrack. I just about peed my pants!!! This is perfect. |
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by uksue on Jan 8, 2016 23:39:33 GMT
I agree with everyone else. About time this princess found out about the real world, I think. You are actually doing your son a favour by modelling reality for her and not enablimg this nonsense - this is just the start for him, as she is never going to stop wanting and demanding the best- pronto!
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 8, 2016 23:41:33 GMT
Which princess is it that sings "Let it go?" Maybe get them that soundtrack. I just about peed my pants!!! This is perfect. You mentioned that you had talked about this situation in previous threads, so I went back and read your thread from August. To be very honest with you, you nailed it right on the head already. You told them how much you would pay and when. You already set the expectation, so maybe you should just remind them what you offered. X amount of money when 1 graduates from college. It sounds like they are pressuring you to change your mind. My son and his gf would love to live together. They are both freshman in college and kind of hinted at it at the beginning of the year. I told my son he could live at home or at the dorm and I would foot the bill. I too wanted to get married before I graduated and my mom smiled sweetly and told me that I would have to pay for my college if I got married because I would be considered an adult in her eyes. I mention that to both my son and his gf. Now the difference is we love her and hope that one day they do get married. She is a great influence on him and they make a nice down to earth couple. I am hoping they stay on their career paths and just wait. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 23:47:46 GMT
You mentioned that you had talked about this situation in previous threads, so I went back and read your thread from August. To be very honest with you, you nailed it right on the head already. You told them how much you would pay and when. You already set the expectation, so maybe you should just remind them what you offered. X amount of money when 1 graduates from college. It sounds like they are pressuring you to change your mind. We never told them how much we would pay last August. We told them if 1 graduated we would pay X...and I actually said X to them. I told them we were undecided on the amount at this time but we would give them an amount. She is on track to graduate college June 2017. I didn't realize she was that far along in her college until a few weeks ago.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Prolific Pea
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Jan 8, 2016 23:48:33 GMT
I haven't read all the replies but as I was reading your post I was like 
She's obviously very immature to think she is going to have some elaborate wedding on someone else's dime.
Someone needs to let her know that her priorities should be about her marriage and not a fancy wedding.
I feel for you! |
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jan 8, 2016 23:52:44 GMT
I would stick with a number (if you're wanting to help $$) and stay with it. Disney or no Disney.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 8, 2016 23:54:25 GMT
I asked what her parents thought about it and she said the couldn't afford it and she should get married at their church for free. She doesn't want that...she wants Disneyland. I asked what her parents were able to contribute and she said "not much" and an Aunt said she could give "a little bit"....that doesn't equal $10K that's for sure. There is no way we are footing the bill for a Disneyland Wedding...nope nope nope.
I left the lunch very opened ended. I didn't promise anything. I wanted to say "hell no" but I didn't.
As we were leaving she told me she found a wedding dress she liked but it was $5,000. At that point I did tell her she was going to have to start saving a lot of money or lower her expectations.
I'm still speechless over the Disneyland thing. ------------------------------------- Oh my!! I guess I would have been WAY more blunter then you were! I would have said, ah, there is no way you guys are going to be able to afford this, and we can't afford to help you. Just to shoot down all her planning. I mean. WTH? is she going to go out and look for that tree with the dollors growing on it? or win the lottery tomorrow?? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 23:56:07 GMT
Here is what I would like to text her - does this sound okay?
"I was on the Disney website and for what you are wanting your looking at $20,000. Unfortunately that price isn't in anyone's budget but I think you could incorporate some Disney ideas or concepts into a wedding in town that would fit into a better budget for us and your parents. I would be happy to help you out with ideas if you would like."
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 8, 2016 23:56:19 GMT
We never told them how much we would pay last August. We told them if 1 graduated we would pay X...and I actually said X to them. I told them we were undecided on the amount at this time but we would give them an amount. She is on track to graduate college June 2017. I didn't realize she was that far along in her college until a few weeks ago.
Make X $10.  |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 8, 2016 23:57:44 GMT
Is there a Princess drive-thru wedding in Vegas??!! LOL
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 8, 2016 23:58:48 GMT
Here is what I would like to text her - does this sound okay? "I was on the Disney website and for what you are wanting your looking at $20,000. Unfortunately that price isn't in anyone's budget but I think you could incorporate some Disney ideas or concepts into a wedding in town that would fit into a better budget for us and your parents. I would be happy to help you out with ideas if you would like." That is not what she is going to want to hear, but it is reasonable. You know you aren't doing them any favors by giving into what she wants. I do think that message tells her it ain't going to happen. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 8, 2016 23:59:38 GMT
Here is what I would like to text her - does this sound okay? "I was on the Disney website and for what you are wanting your looking at $20,000. Unfortunately that price isn't in anyone's budget but I think you could incorporate some Disney ideas or concepts into a wedding in town that would fit into a better budget for us and your parents. I would be happy to help you out with ideas if you would like." Personally, I do not think this is something you guys should be discussing via text. Body language can't be seen. Tone and vocal nuances can't be heard. If she is adamant about what she wants she could take your text in a defensive way. I would do all discussing of the wedding in person so everybody is on the same page. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 9, 2016 0:02:13 GMT
Here ya go
The Fairy Tale Wedding Package
Exclusively at Viva Las Vegas Weddings
Package Features Include:
•Bride's Entrance into the Chapel by a Magical Fairy Tale Coach with Footmen
•Beautiful White Wrought-Iron Gazebo (for photo session)
•18 Rose Bouquet
•Boutonniere
•10 Candid Photos (taken during ceremony)
•Wedding Coordinator
•Candlelit Chapel
•Music
•Wedding DVD
•Free Wedding Website and Wedding Invitation
•Traditional Music and Wedding Soloist, Pianist or Organist
•25 Person Wedding Cake and Champagne Reception
•Fairy Tale Wedding Scroll
•Bride's and Groom's Fairy Tale Costumes or Wedding Gown and Tuxedo
•Wedding Chapel Fee
•Courtesy limousine service to and from our Chapel
Price $1,795.00
BAM! done!! ha
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:46:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2016 0:05:57 GMT
Here ya go The Fairy Tale Wedding Package Exclusively at Viva Las Vegas Weddings Package Features Include: •Bride's Entrance into the Chapel by a Magical Fairy Tale Coach with Footmen •Beautiful White Wrought-Iron Gazebo (for photo session) •18 Rose Bouquet •Boutonniere •10 Candid Photos (taken during ceremony) •Wedding Coordinator •Candlelit Chapel •Music •Wedding DVD •Free Wedding Website and Wedding Invitation •Traditional Music and Wedding Soloist, Pianist or Organist •25 Person Wedding Cake and Champagne Reception •Fairy Tale Wedding Scroll •Bride's and Groom's Fairy Tale Costumes or Wedding Gown and Tuxedo •Wedding Chapel Fee •Courtesy limousine service to and from our Chapel Price $1,795.00 BAM! done!! ha That's more like it! I suggested Vegas to them and they laughed like I was joking. I really wasn't. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 9, 2016 0:12:19 GMT
Is there a Princess drive-thru wedding in Vegas??!! LOL They have everything in Vegas! |
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Sorry it didn't work out that way... 
