Let's talk weddings....UPDATE in OP

crazy4scraps, you crack me up. LOL

I think you need to take about 25 steps back. Waaaaaaay back.

At this point it's all talk. I would NOT send that text. I would not initiate any conversations about this topic. I would smile and nod and be 1000% noncommittal when they talk about Disney weddings and $5K dresses. "Hmmm. That sounds lovely. Pass the chips and salsa, please." and "Do you think you'll get enough extra hours at work to cover that?"

I would respond the exact same way that I would respond if, say, my hairdresser was talking about her wedding. Smile and nod.

If they ask you for money, I would simply repeat the deal you made in August. "Just like I told you before, when one of you graduates we will give you $X." Repeat, repeat, repeat. (FTR, I do think you and your DH need to firm up that amount now.)

What the lovebirds want is completely irrelevant to you. What her family can afford to pay is completely irrelevant to you. All that matters is 1. how much you are willing to gift them, and 2. what conditions, if any, you will put on that gift (no $$$ until graduation, mor emoney if they wait until 2017, etc).

That's it. The rest of it doesn't matter.

Don't initiate, don't ask questions, don't weigh in with an opinion.

As you can probably tell, I'm sitting on the "They're adults.... they can figure it out for themselves" bench.

Do you have an amount set already? Not asking for the amount, but make sure you are prepared when the situation arises.

I would not give the money over up front. If so, it will probably go to the dress and if they break up, she gets the sole benefit of it. I like the idea of it going to the caterer or venue or something so it isn't paid until closer to the event. Or maybe set up an xccount and pay out as they match funds.

I agree with this completely. That should nip this Disney wedding / $5000 wedding dress nonsense in the bud right away. No point in allowing them to make all these ridiculous plans (possibly assuming you'll be forking out a fair bit for it) when it's not actually going to happen. 

Girl wants a wedding, not a marriage.

The bigger concern here is not really the wedding expenses (which are ginormous) but I would be worried as to the amount of financial pressure your son is going to be under with her. She seems to be lacking a firm grip of what financial reality is and what a budget looks like.

Your son is going to have to jump thru hoops the rest of his life to please her. He's going to have a very hard road ahead of him. I wonder if what he does for her will ever be "enough" in her eyes. I wish you all the best.

BTW, I think you did really well in letting her know she's going to have to consider saving and/or revising her expectations: that was a very good way to put it. I don't think I could have given as calm or gentle a response as you did.

What I see happening is they (and by "they" I mean the Bride) will stomp her feet and go ahead and plan the wedding of her fairytale dreams. Your ds and Cinderella will then be handed a bill and the bill will be handed to you.

You definitely need to be firm in your conversations of what you are contributing. I would find it hard to just hand over a check without knowing what they are doing with it. Again, they could overspend and want you to foot the remainder.

Totally not surprised that she wants a disney wedding. I went nosing around the wedding at disney page and in addition to finding that prices are WAY higher than she thinks (I'm sure she'll want Cinderella's crystal coach ) I did find some promising info. A $2,000 NON-REFUNDABLE deposit is required (I would make them pay this even if you were funding the entire thing) and the entire minimum cost is required 90 days out so even if they get all the way to the very end of the planning and it finally hits them they're out of their league there's still enough time to pull together a quick backyard wedding, at 90 days most likely the invites won't even have been mailed out yet.

Oh my. I posted the other day that I didn't fantasize about violence. Apparently my vocabulary is different because "strangle them" crossed my mind at mention of expecting parents to pay for a Princess Wedding.

I'll get flamed but this is stuff that makes me think our society has gotten so shallow and foolish.

I wanted to add that it seems like you are handling this well. It is really hard to parent adult children sometimes, especially when they are making foolish choices. Maybe they will grow up a little more and realize that they aren't meant to be together and they will move on. Or maybe they will end up happily married 50 years from now. You just never know. Hang in there and keep being supportive without caving to the requests you don't agree with. Good luck!

I'd have the future in-laws over very soon. Other than wedding costs, you can talk about how they are going to LIVE. Her parents could actually be your allies in all this.

If you don't have frequent flier miles, free hotel points, etc., don't forget this will cost you with your own expenses to get to the wedding. Would you need to figure out how much that would cost you, and subtract that from the amount you will give them? For example if we agreed to give our child $2,000 for a wedding, but it would cost us $1000 to travel to the wedding and hotel costs, we would tell our child that we could contribute $1000. Just something to consider if you stick to a budget.

We try to stick to a strict budget in general so I always think of weird stuff like that!