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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 19:44:04 GMT
I have been in denial for 6 months but I'm finally accepting the fact the DS and the GF are engaged. DH and I have been talking the last few nights about how it's going to happen so we might as well accept it and figure out wedding stuff. His only request was "please ask them to wait until 2017 - I'm not that ready yet" lol
I have a brief talk with DS and he was over the moon that we are coming around to the idea of them marrying. They are only 20 and broke but they really feel they are "the one" so we are just accepting it.
I'm having lunch with them tomorrow so see what they have in mind. I know as the Groom's parents we aren't expected to pay for the wedding but her parents have a very limited income so I know we will have to pitch in more than normal.
But...I also am not paying $20K for a wedding. DH said to extend the invitation that they could get married in our backyard. We could hold 50 back there easily. I'm not sure what GF's vision is or what her parents have offered (if any). That's what lunch is all about tomorrow.
I honestly don't even know how to do start this whole process. It's very new territory for us and one we didn't think would happen so soon.
UPDATE:
I posted yesterday I think she will want a "Princess Wedding"...well I nailed it.
SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED AT DISNEYLAND!
yes...she actually said it and has requested the wedding information.
I didn't say a word because honestly I was speechless. She tried to tell me it would "only be $5,000" but I got back to my office and looked it up and it starts at $5,000 and goes up up up. What she said she wanted puts it up to $10,000. Here's the link so you can die right along with me....
Disney Weddings
I asked what her parents thought about it and she said the couldn't afford it and she should get married at their church for free. She doesn't want that...she wants Disneyland. I asked what her parents were able to contribute and she said "not much" and an Aunt said she could give "a little bit"....that doesn't equal $10K that's for sure. There is no way we are footing the bill for a Disneyland Wedding...nope nope nope.
I left the lunch very opened ended. I didn't promise anything. I wanted to say "hell no" but I didn't.
As we were leaving she told me she found a wedding dress she liked but it was $5,000. At that point I did tell her she was going to have to start saving a lot of money or lower her expectations.
I'm still speechless over the Disneyland thing. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 7, 2016 19:45:24 GMT
Come up with a number you are willing to spend and only offer that amount. Include the rehearsal dinner in that number as well.
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Post by myboysnme on Jan 7, 2016 19:57:56 GMT
Agreed. Let them come up with a plan and then you can tell them what and/or how much you can contribute. Couples who have no money can start their life long budget by setting up a plan for a wedding.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 20:00:14 GMT
Come up with a number you are willing to spend and only offer that amount. Include the rehearsal dinner in that number as well.  We gave our son a number when he got married...and told him...put it toward the wedding....elope and put it toward a house...whatever...so they knew how much they were getting |
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Post by leannec on Jan 7, 2016 20:04:02 GMT
Tell them to wait until they are 21 and then go to Las Vegas with a small group ... fun and relatively inexpensive ... win/win  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 20:15:07 GMT
I would first start referring to her as son's dear girlfriend or this is going to be an awfully looooooong relationship.
Remember she could be the mother of your precious grandchildren.
Groom's families don't really do much , except the rehearsal meal.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Jan 7, 2016 21:11:29 GMT
Personally I wouldn't be too quick to offer any financial aid towards the wedding. Let them know you accept the upcoming marriage and looking forward to hearing about their plans. Ask them questions about what they want, then gently drop the how are you going to pay for this, bomb.
As two very young people with no education or definite careers plans, this is the perfect time for a reality check. Since her family is struggling and won't be able to assist them much, so they can't expect to be bailed out often by her parents. These kids need to see its going to be a long hard road without some financial security. There is going to be a laundry list of wants and no way to fund them. That includes babies and places to live and furniture, etc.
I'm not saying I wouldn't help with some of the wedding expenses, I just wouldn't be too quick to offer a solution to their wants, let them step back a moment to figure it out for themselves.
I do wish you the very best with this, because I do do the hurt you endured because of the fractured relationship with your son.
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Post by littlemama on Jan 7, 2016 21:20:16 GMT
I'm having lunch with them tomorrow so see what they have in mind. I know as the Groom's parents we aren't expected to pay for the wedding but her parents have a very limited income so I know we will have to pitch in more than normal. I think all the old "expectations" are out the window. I don't know of anyone who thinks the bride's family is responsible for the whole thing. You don't "have to" pitch in any more than you are comfortable with - just make sure that what you pitch in for one of your children is the same amount you pitch in to any other children.
I would use the lunch to let them tell you their plans. If they are being ridiculous about wanting a big, expensive reception, then I would ask them how much they think that costs, and how they are planning to pay for it. Their getting married in your backyard doesn't really save them anything. They can get married in a church for the same amount. The reception, gown, flowers, photography, etc are the big costs. If you host the reception in your backyard, that would save them money. The one thing we splurged on for our wedding was the photography. Our pictures are phenomenal and I am glad to have them.
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perumbula
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Post by perumbula on Jan 7, 2016 21:28:45 GMT
I hope they have low expectations.  DD's wedding was a stretch for us, because it was planned and executed over a four month period. It was a crazy time, but the couple just wanted to get married and neither had fancy visions. It was super stressful though. If you need any sympathy or ideas, I'd be happy to help.  |
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 7, 2016 21:56:17 GMT
Come up with a number you are willing to spend and only offer that amount. Include the rehearsal dinner in that number as well. We gave our son a number when he got married...and told him...put it toward the wedding....elope and put it toward a house...whatever...so they knew how much they were getting This would be my ideal. We have 2 boys, 2 girls all very different personality wise. This seems like the "fairest" way to handle it. Pick a reasonable number and gift it to them to do as they please. With that said, i'd go into tomorrows lunch to gather info not to exactly give them answers on what you'll be helping with at this point. See what they are thinking, give it some thought before making decisions. My dd was dating a guy whose parents split the cost of his brothers wedding with the brides family....their half 20K! There are 3 sons, what a precedent that set for them! |
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Post by mrssmith on Jan 7, 2016 22:02:20 GMT
I agree with those who say see what they have in mind first.
It's OK to have a $ number in mind but I wouldn't let them know at lunch. You also don't HAVE to pitch in more than normal.
My parents also gave us money to spend how we wished - on the wedding, honeymoon, put it in savings, etc. However, I know that some people have trouble gifting money and then seeing the recipient spend it on something they don't approve of. (So if you gift them $5K and they buy a car or something instead of the wedding, or for a big honeymoon vs. covering something like rent).
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Post by khaleesi on Jan 7, 2016 22:05:14 GMT
<snip> I'm not saying I wouldn't help with some of the wedding expenses, I just wouldn't be too quick to offer a solution to their wants, let them step back a moment to figure it out for themselves. Yes, this. My stepson got engaged when he was 18 and their plan was to go to and finish college and then get married. That didn't happen. They were 20 when they got married almost 2 years ago. I would feel them out to find out what they are planning for a wedding at a high level and go from there. We waited to hear what they were envisioning and then said we would help out with xxx number of dollars for them to do as they saw fit for the wedding. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 22:16:47 GMT
I have a bit different scenario. My daughter and her partner are getting married in June. We're not well off but we can help. They want to pay for things themselves, which is admirable but it means they are cutting corners and making decisions that they might regret. We were talking the other night and my daughter was talking about how they only had 2 hours to get things setup and themselves ready before the ceremony (schedule at 6pm). I realized they plan to do it all...set up the decor, get the food setup, drinks, the whole shebang. I told her that was crazy. It's THEIR DAY and they shouldn't have to essentially work so hard that they're throwing on their dresses 10 minutes before the ceremony starts.
I asked her to PLEASE get some catering quotes. While they have a lot of things setup (venue, dresses, photographer, DJ) but 5 months out and the food side of things is not anywhere. I gave her a $$ figure of what I think we could pay for the food/catering and asked her to talk it over with her partner.
Her partner's family cannot help financially. So she (the partner) I think feels guilty if we pay for too much (in her mind). All we've paid for so far is 1/2 of our daughter's dress & veil.
I'm am working very hard to not put my nose into where it doesn't belong. Yet, this is our only daughter. We should be helping! I only want them to both enjoy the day...not look back and regret they were so focused on doing so much on the day that they couldn't enjoy it.
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Post by flanz on Jan 7, 2016 22:19:58 GMT
Come up with a number you are willing to spend and only offer that amount. Include the rehearsal dinner in that number as well. We gave our son a number when he got married...and told him...put it toward the wedding....elope and put it toward a house...whatever...so they knew how much they were getting This is our plan, exactly! |
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Post by flanz on Jan 7, 2016 22:25:25 GMT
I have a bit different scenario. My daughter and her partner are getting married in June. We're not well off but we can help. They want to pay for things themselves, which is admirable but it means they are cutting corners and making decisions that they might regret. We were talking the other night and my daughter was talking about how they only had 2 hours to get things setup and themselves ready before the ceremony (schedule at 6pm). I realized they plan to do it all...set up the decor, get the food setup, drinks, the whole shebang. I told her that was crazy. It's THEIR DAY and they shouldn't have to essentially work so hard that they're throwing on their dresses 10 minutes before the ceremony starts. I asked her to PLEASE get some catering quotes. While they have a lot of things setup (venue, dresses, photographer, DJ) but 5 months out and the food side of things is not anywhere. I gave her a $$ figure of what I think we could pay for the food/catering and asked her to talk it over with her partner. Her partner's family cannot help financially. So she (the partner) I think feels guilty if we pay for too much (in her mind). All we've paid for so far is 1/2 of our daughter's dress & veil. I'm am working very hard to not put my nose into where it doesn't belong. Yet, this is our only daughter. We should be helping! I only want them to both enjoy the day...not look back and regret they were so focused on doing so much on the day that they couldn't enjoy it. I want to say thank you for being supportive of your gay daughter and her wife-to-be!! I am a straight married woman who has seen so much heartache when family does not support their LGBT kids. Kudos to you! I can't imagine loving my kids and being anything but supportive! I hope they are very happy together for decades to come! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 22:58:01 GMT
Thanks flanz. Supporting her has never been hard, she's our child! Accepting is another story. It's been hard. But I keep that to myself, she will never know of my internal struggles.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jan 7, 2016 23:32:45 GMT
We were given a lump sum from DH parents. We elected to go with the $25 justice of the peace, my dress was from the JC Penney summer clearance rack, and a few friends over to our apartment that evening. We were out about $50 total. I never had girlhood dreams of the perfect wedding. Cold, hard cash was lovely.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2016 23:40:29 GMT
I wish they would be happy with a Vegas wedding but I have a feeling she is going to want the "princess package". She has said a few things in the past that have me thinking that but I could be pleasantly surprised tomorrow.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 7, 2016 23:45:47 GMT
I think I'd plan on just listening to them tomorrow. Listen to their plans/ideas. Talk dates (like next spring ). Offer up your backyard. But I wouldn't talk money yet, at least not in specifics. If you have to just talk in very broad terms "of course we'll help but it will be a modest budget, however, I'd love to help with some DIY decorations" or "I have a friend who does lovely, affordable wedding cakes". |
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 8, 2016 0:02:04 GMT
I'm with the group that says just listen tomorrow and don't promise any amount at this time. I'd also want to ask how they plan to pay for this - you'll learn a lot if they have big wishes and no idea about the money or if they seem to assume you will pay for whatever they think they want.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:35:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 0:11:25 GMT
I have a bit different scenario. My daughter and her partner are getting married in June. We're not well off but we can help. They want to pay for things themselves, which is admirable but it means they are cutting corners and making decisions that they might regret. We were talking the other night and my daughter was talking about how they only had 2 hours to get things setup and themselves ready before the ceremony (schedule at 6pm). I realized they plan to do it all...set up the decor, get the food setup, drinks, the whole shebang. I told her that was crazy. It's THEIR DAY and they shouldn't have to essentially work so hard that they're throwing on their dresses 10 minutes before the ceremony starts. I asked her to PLEASE get some catering quotes. While they have a lot of things setup (venue, dresses, photographer, DJ) but 5 months out and the food side of things is not anywhere. I gave her a $$ figure of what I think we could pay for the food/catering and asked her to talk it over with her partner. Her partner's family cannot help financially. So she (the partner) I think feels guilty if we pay for too much (in her mind). All we've paid for so far is 1/2 of our daughter's dress & veil. I'm am working very hard to not put my nose into where it doesn't belong. Yet, this is our only daughter. We should be helping! I only want them to both enjoy the day...not look back and regret they were so focused on doing so much on the day that they couldn't enjoy it. This is what friends are for. What do they have planned? I used to work for a catering company and can throw some ideas out to them. The first idea is to have the wedding at 1:30 People have lunch and are not expecting a huge dinner. They can get away with meat trays and cake. No sit down. Waste of money. Huge waste of money. People throw so much of it away. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jan 8, 2016 0:37:38 GMT
If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for the wedding. I'd not offer up a thing. Especially if they aren't in a position to care for themselves period.
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Post by lancermom on Jan 8, 2016 0:48:36 GMT
I agree with some of the other posts. See what they come up with first. I got married on a tight budget 20 years ago. Not my dream wedding at all, but I learned how I had to save for what I wanted. My MIL wanted a certain photographer. At the time they were the most expensive. I wanted someone else. She paid for the photos. My mother insisted it was videotaped, she paid for that. Maybe you can help here or there. Deposits can add up fast. Maybe if they realize that, they will give another year to plan and save. .
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2016 2:20:00 GMT
Listen to what they plan. But even a "princess dream" wedding can be done for a couple of hundred dollars. A rhinestone tiara can be had for less than $30 (some even less than $10) a second hand or clearance gown can be inexpensive. A mid afternoon cake/punch reception sans alcohol instead of a sit down dinner. The cake doesn't have to be a multi tiered thing with tons of frosted roses to still be pretty. (Son2 and dil chose a sheet cake from Costco with white roses and their names/date; like a birthday cake) They spent less than $300 and had a lovely ceremony.
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Post by maryland on Jan 8, 2016 2:21:47 GMT
I don't think either the brides or grooms parents should feel responsible for paying for the wedding unless they are financially able and want to. We have three girls and we are happy to pay as much as we can for their college and grad school. If we are able, we may help them pay for a house. But we aren't budgeting to pay for weddings. They can have an amazing wedding with what they can afford (they can always wait if they want a fancier wedding). My husband and I had a small wedding that we paid for on our own. It was very inexpensive and perfect! We just couldn't wait to buy our first house, so we decided to have a small wedding. Just sharing our story! I guess we aren't "wedding people" my husband and me! |
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Post by maryland on Jan 8, 2016 2:30:59 GMT
I'm having lunch with them tomorrow so see what they have in mind. I know as the Groom's parents we aren't expected to pay for the wedding but her parents have a very limited income so I know we will have to pitch in more than normal. I think all the old "expectations" are out the window. I don't know of anyone who thinks the bride's family is responsible for the whole thing. You don't "have to" pitch in any more than you are comfortable with - just make sure that what you pitch in for one of your children is the same amount you pitch in to any other children.
I would use the lunch to let them tell you their plans. If they are being ridiculous about wanting a big, expensive reception, then I would ask them how much they think that costs, and how they are planning to pay for it. Their getting married in your backyard doesn't really save them anything. They can get married in a church for the same amount. The reception, gown, flowers, photography, etc are the big costs. If you host the reception in your backyard, that would save them money. The one thing we splurged on for our wedding was the photography. Our pictures are phenomenal and I am glad to have them.
Thank you! I can't tell you how many times I heard that we better start saving for the weddings when we had our third girl. Not about saving for college, but saving for weddings.  |
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Post by flanz on Jan 8, 2016 5:02:42 GMT
Thanks flanz. Supporting her has never been hard, she's our child! Accepting is another story. It's been hard. But I keep that to myself, she will never know of my internal struggles. Love and hugs to you, Murphy. I admire you for putting your love for your daughter first and being supportive of her while struggling with acceptance. I don't think most people can put that struggle aside and show loving support. Your daughter is lucky. I hope that you can find your way to full uncomplicated acceptance, for your own emotional wellbeing. xo |
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Post by RiverIsis on Jan 8, 2016 5:31:59 GMT
I think all the old "expectations" are out the window. I don't know of anyone who thinks the bride's family is responsible for the whole thing. You don't "have to" pitch in any more than you are comfortable with - just make sure that what you pitch in for one of your children is the same amount you pitch in to any other children.
I would use the lunch to let them tell you their plans. If they are being ridiculous about wanting a big, expensive reception, then I would ask them how much they think that costs, and how they are planning to pay for it. Their getting married in your backyard doesn't really save them anything. They can get married in a church for the same amount. The reception, gown, flowers, photography, etc are the big costs. If you host the reception in your backyard, that would save them money. The one thing we splurged on for our wedding was the photography. Our pictures are phenomenal and I am glad to have them.
Thank you! I can't tell you how many times I heard that we better start saving for the weddings when we had our third girl. Not about saving for college, but saving for weddings. My aunt and uncle paid for their kids 3 girls 1 boy education. The kids paid for their own weddings. |
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Post by pelirroja on Jan 8, 2016 9:57:15 GMT
Since you are meeting for lunch, I would sit quietly while they talk of their wedding plans and I wouldn't even mention money or offer up a single dime towards this. Your DH wants them to wait until 2017 and if you throw money at them, the wedding would more likely take place in 2016. Lack of finances could slow them down a little if she's hoping for the princess package. And if they're both over 18, a justice of the peace is around $35, so lack of funds might not delay the inevitable marriage, with or without a formal wedding ceremony.
Take a deep breath and try to accept this the best you can. Please don't offer up any money at this point in time. As they plan and budget, give this couple the opportunity to fend for themselves. A little struggling for them could be a good thing. Please don't be so eager to "fix" this that you might accelerate the pace instead (if 2017 is your wish).
Keep an open mind and just listen at lunch. Make no offers or promises of money other than maybe picking up the lunch tab for today. Give them the time and space to figure out the details and funding for themselves.
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jan 8, 2016 10:05:05 GMT
My dad's friends were spending $50k or more for their daughters' dream weddings, and my dad was flabbergasted. My mom is a Martha Stewart wannabe and would have spent a ton of money if I'd let her. My dad made a deal with dh and me. If we stayed within a small budget, he would gift us $10k when it was time for us to buy a house.
We jumped on that idea. I would have been fine having a small ceremony on the beach or going to the justice of the peace, but it was dh that wanted the church wedding with formal tails and the big ballgown, etc! I didn't mind that idea, and we got married in a small church nestled in the sand dunes of the beach town where I grew up. We had a heavy hors d'oeurvres reception at a small room opening out onto a fountain veranda area on the beach at a local resort. Since we got married on a Friday night, we got the reception room and catering half price. The whole wedding--music, dress, reception, etc. was less than $7k for 125 guests. Dh's parents paid for nothing but the rehearsal dinner, although they insisted on the most guests. They were really difficult to deal with--didn't listen to our wishes for the rehearsal, kept sticking their noses in, really upset dh.
We dated for 7 years and waited until we were finished with college to get married. Dh got into his career 2 years before he graduated college, and then lived at home the year before we got married to save money and be by me my final year. I was very ill and trying to finish to please dh's parents. My parents wanted me to stop and come home because I was spending so much time in the school infirmary and my cardiologist was really worried. Dh's parents weren't happy that we still got married even though I didn't technically graduate. Dh told them to mind their own business.
Dh's mother has since apologised and is a wonderful MIL. I don't think she realized how sick I was. I'm actually glad that I didn't graduate from BJU. I've since learned stuff that makes me ashamed I went there. (George Wallace was given an honorary doctorate, etc.)
Dh and I tried to honour our parents and listen to their advice and concerns. We had been together forever and didn't have debt or need extra help when we got married. My parents gifted us the money for the wedding, but that was something they did gladly and not something I expected. Dh and I were thrilled with the money that my dad gave us--my parents were divorced by then. My dad was so proud of my dh and how seriously he took preparing for our future and how he takes care of me. It really bothered my dad that dh's parents expected my parents to pay for all this stuff they wanted. It was a huge issue between dh and his parents.
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We gave our son a number when he got married...and told him...put it toward the wedding....elope and put it toward a house...whatever...so they knew how much they were getting
DD's wedding was a stretch for us, because it was planned and executed over a four month period. It was a crazy time, but the couple just wanted to get married and neither had fancy visions. It was super stressful though. If you need any sympathy or ideas, I'd be happy to help. 
Southern Side eyed Pea