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Post by esperanza on Feb 26, 2016 4:42:31 GMT
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm glad to hear my drama queen isn't the only kid whose ever punched a wall. And that most of the time they grow up to be normal adults. This parenting gig isn't easy! Fists of steel child isn't getting his Xbox back for a very long time...if ever. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it for a few months or sell it. He's eaten the dinner in front of him without complaint since his tantrum. Surgery is on Tuesday.
Original:
2 weeks ago my oldest lost his temper. He's 14. Started puberty some, but hasn't totally changed. We were eating dinner. I made salmon and he said he wasn't going to eat it. I wasn't making anything else to eat. My philosophy is you eat what is served. I told him he had to eat 2 bites and the veggies. He's eaten salmon before with no issues.
He was being a little shit. Copped an attitude. Disrespectful, etc. I told him he was going to lose his xbox if he didn't chill out. He didn't calm down, so after dinner I made him bring me his xbox. While he was upstairs, he punched the wall/door way and fractured his hand.
Off the ER we went. Ortho reset it, set up appt to see hand specialist. We went, and he needs surgery! I thought he'd be in a splint for a few weeks. Bleh. Surgery is on Tuesday.
I know I'm following through with expectations. But dude. Why is my kid the one that punches walls? He used to be so sweet. He's gotten more and more moody as the months go on.
I'm so jealous of my friends with teenagers that are easy going. While he can be easy going sometimes...tbh we butt heads 70% of the time. Over HW, keeping up with grades, tests, cleaning room, daily chores, EVERYTHING!
He has dyslexia and struggles with school. I know he gets frustrated with his "lot in life". He's sees kids barely study and he has to spend days studying to make a C. I don't care about grades, as long as he put in the effort.
Will he return to normal one day? I try to reign in the nagging, but sometimes I just need him to finish studying, eat his dinner and clean his room without an attitude.
So, there's my vent.
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Post by beaglemom on Feb 26, 2016 4:46:01 GMT
No advice, mine are still little. But wanted to send hugs!
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 26, 2016 4:48:20 GMT
Why is my kid the one that punches walls? He used to be so sweet. He's gotten more and more moody as the months go on. You're not. My son's best friend did it a couple months ago. I'm so jealous of my friends with teenagers that are easy going. I've got a 14 year old and I know his friends and their parents. Most of us have complained about a kid doing something here and there. If he isn't always punching holes in walls, don't be so jealous. The people you know may just not be sharing their exploits. |
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on Feb 26, 2016 4:53:02 GMT
At 14 I wouldn't do the "two bites" thing. Eat, don't eat. He could fix himself a sandwich.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Feb 26, 2016 4:55:38 GMT
2 weeks ago my oldest lost his temper. He's 14. Started puberty some, but hasn't totally changed. We were eating dinner. I made salmon and he said he wasn't going to eat it. I wasn't making anything else to eat. My philosophy is you eat what is served. I told him he had to eat 2 bites and the veggies. He's eaten salmon before with no issues. He was being a little shit. Copped an attitude. Disrespectful, etc. I told him he was going to lose his xbox if he didn't chill out. He didn't calm down, so after dinner I made him bring me his xbox. While he was upstairs, he punched the wall/door way and fractured his hand. Off the ER we went. Ortho reset it, set up appt to see hand specialist. We went, and he needs surgery! I thought he'd be in a splint for a few weeks. Bleh. Surgery is on Tuesday. I know I'm following through with expectations. But dude. Why is my kid the one that punches walls? He used to be so sweet. He's gotten more and more moody as the months go on. I'm so jealous of my friends with teenagers that are easy going. While he can be easy going sometimes...tbh we butt heads 70% of the time. Over HW, keeping up with grades, tests, cleaning room, daily chores, EVERYTHING! He has dyslexia and struggles with school. I know he gets frustrated with his "lot in life". He's sees kids barely study and he has to spend days studying to make a C. I don't care about grades, as long as he put in the effort. Will he return to normal one day? I try to reign in the nagging, but sometimes I just need him to finish studying, eat his dinner and clean his room without an attitude. So, there's my vent. Been there with my daughter. She's almost 19 now but at 16/17, she was awful! She kicked holes in the walls and threw stuff so that it broke windows. Ugh and of course one is right in the front of our house upstairs. We haven't fixed it because I don't want it done again (she's at college but will probably return permanently in May). We butted heads big time but were also pretty close, if that's possible. Hang in there mom. Stand your ground. I didn't and regret it. I hope your son comes around. |
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Post by esperanza on Feb 26, 2016 4:58:47 GMT
At 14 I wouldn't do the "two bites" thing. Eat, don't eat. He could fix himself a sandwich. If I allowed this, he would only eat sandwiches. For real. I figured if he tasted the salmon he'd realize...oh yeah this is pretty good. I'd rather him just starve for the night than give him a sandwich choice. |
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Deleted
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Nov 1, 2024 3:34:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 5:05:34 GMT
2 weeks ago my oldest lost his temper. He's 14. Started puberty some, but hasn't totally changed. We were eating dinner. I made salmon and he said he wasn't going to eat it. I wasn't making anything else to eat. My philosophy is you eat what is served. I told him he had to eat 2 bites and the veggies. He's eaten salmon before with no issues. He was being a little shit. Copped an attitude. Disrespectful, etc. I told him he was going to lose his xbox if he didn't chill out. He didn't calm down, so after dinner I made him bring me his xbox. While he was upstairs, he punched the wall/door way and fractured his hand. Off the ER we went. Ortho reset it, set up appt to see hand specialist. We went, and he needs surgery! I thought he'd be in a splint for a few weeks. Bleh. Surgery is on Tuesday. I know I'm following through with expectations. But dude. Why is my kid the one that punches walls? He used to be so sweet. He's gotten more and more moody as the months go on. I'm so jealous of my friends with teenagers that are easy going. While he can be easy going sometimes...tbh we butt heads 70% of the time. Over HW, keeping up with grades, tests, cleaning room, daily chores, EVERYTHING! He has dyslexia and struggles with school. I know he gets frustrated with his "lot in life". He's sees kids barely study and he has to spend days studying to make a C. I don't care about grades, as long as he put in the effort. Will he return to normal one day? I try to reign in the nagging, but sometimes I just need him to finish studying, eat his dinner and clean his room without an attitude. So, there's my vent. He will return to normal... around 20. In the meantime... 1) don't compare your life with him to the appearances of other families. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. 2) pick your battles. At 14 I had dropped the "take a bite" rule. He knows if he likes salmon or not. The take a bite rule is for preschoolers who don't have enough food experience to know if they like it or not. You don't need to fix two meals, but you can stop insisting he take any bites and maybe even let him choose something like a sandwich that he fixes and cleans up after. Let go of regulating his homework. He does it or not. He faces the consequences. While you may just need him to finish studying, eat his dinner and clean his room without an attitude HE needs to be allowed to make choice, fail and succeed on his own terms. At this point in his life his needs should be trumping yours. Cook dinner. Let him choose to eat, or not. And unless his room is a health hazard; close the door. Let go of controling him. |
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Post by Chips on Feb 26, 2016 5:07:03 GMT
I have 14 year old and 11 year old boys. Please take this with a grain of salt but food is one the last things I worry about. They'll eat when their hungry and sometimes they do not want what I make for dinner. So they make dinner for themselves and hey that is great, they're learning to cook and clean up after themselves  My boys and their appetites are unchartable because they go through growth spurts, flavor spurts and sometimes they can eat half a cow and other times food just does not sit well. For me this time is kind of like potty training. Pretty much everyone figures it out unless something else is going on. Some days we're all home and eating the same thing at the same time but then due to other circumstances we're just getting through the day but I am so thankful we're all healthy and together. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 5:07:23 GMT
At 14 I wouldn't do the "two bites" thing. Eat, don't eat. He could fix himself a sandwich. If I allowed this, he would only eat sandwiches. For real. I figured if he tasted the salmon he'd realize...oh yeah this is pretty good. I'd rather him just starve for the night than give him a sandwich choice. And what is the harm of him only eating sandwiches? Why would you rather him starve for the night than be allowed to exercise a reasonable choice that doesn't create more work for you? |
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Post by kristi on Feb 26, 2016 5:09:04 GMT
I am struggling with my teenager. It is like pulling teeth asking them to do something.
{hugs}
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Post by esperanza on Feb 26, 2016 5:18:07 GMT
It's not really about the salmon. He's eaten it before and had no problems. Idk why he decided that night was the night to rebel. I was frustrated that night, and was really over the attitude. It started when I picked him up from school. In hindsight the 2 bites thing was a real dumb ass idea. I've never had this problem with him in the past with dinner.
The issue is his overall attitude/ argumentativeness.
I love you peas, but please let me vent. I don't have the energy to rationalize my decisions that night. I'm not perfect. Just needed some people I enjoy chatting with to tell me it'll be ok one day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 5:20:46 GMT
It's not really about the salmon. He's eaten it before and had no problems. Idk why he decided that night was the night to rebel. I was frustrated that night, and was really over the attitude. It started when I picked him up from school. In hindsight the 2 bites thing was a real dumb ass idea. I've never had this problem with him in the past with dinner. The issue is his overall attitude/ argumentativeness. I love you peas, but please let me vent. I don't have the energy to rationalize my decisions that night. I'm not perfect. Just needed some people I enjoy chatting with to tell me it'll be ok one day. Well... I CAN tell you it may be ok. OR you can ignore the role you play in arguing with him and it will never be ok. When you stop controlling him and start controlling you things will go smoother; including his attitude. |
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Post by Chips on Feb 26, 2016 5:22:09 GMT
If I allowed this, he would only eat sandwiches. For real. I figured if he tasted the salmon he'd realize...oh yeah this is pretty good. I'd rather him just starve for the night than give him a sandwich choice. And what is the harm of him only eating sandwiches? Why would you rather him starve for the night than be allowed to exercise a reasonable choice that doesn't create more work for you? I am myself am not a huge fan of salmon and my sons are totally not fans of salmon, seafood or shellfish. When I was a kid my parents used to insist that my sisters and I eat liver when they served it. To this day I'll never understand this mentality. We all hated liver, the drama at the dinner table was just awful, and am sure we'd all never try it again. But if they just let our taste buds evolve which is what happens for a lot kids maybe I'd actually enjoy the taste of liver now (but I doubt it). I know for sure that I would not stop my kids from eating a nutritious meal even if it was not what I had in mind. When it is a Sunday dinner, holiday or special meal we all eat together and there are enough choices for everyone to fill their plate. For other meals we all help make dinner and have plenty of options or everyone. |
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 26, 2016 5:24:51 GMT
It's not really about the salmon. He's eaten it before and had no problems. Idk why he decided that night was the night to rebel. I was frustrated that night, and was really over the attitude. It started when I picked him up from school. In hindsight the 2 bites thing was a real dumb ass idea. I've never had this problem with him in the past with dinner. The issue is his overall attitude/ argumentativeness. I love you peas, but please let me vent. I don't have the energy to rationalize my decisions that night. I'm not perfect. Just needed some people I enjoy chatting with to tell me it'll be ok one day. vent away. Sometimes we just need to vent. When you have stepped back a little. Take what the peas say with an open mind. As a parent you have to take some responsibility and modify your behave as he ages. |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Feb 26, 2016 5:24:57 GMT
It's not really about the salmon. He's eaten it before and had no problems. Idk why he decided that night was the night to rebel. I was frustrated that night, and was really over the attitude. It started when I picked him up from school. In hindsight the 2 bites thing was a real dumb ass idea. I've never had this problem with him in the past with dinner. The issue is his overall attitude/ argumentativeness. I love you peas, but please let me vent. I don't have the energy to rationalize my decisions that night. I'm not perfect. Just needed some people I enjoy chatting with to tell me it'll be ok one day. It will be ok but I'll back you with drawing the line in the sand. I love my kids but they contribute very little around the house and that's what I let them get away with for too long. Stand your ground (IMO). My son is almost 16 and easy for the most part but can also cop at attitude if I press him to help out too much or get after him about grades. With my daughter, if she was failing a class (and did), I let her. She's already realized the stupidity of that but that's her choice (in high school). |
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Rainbow
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Post by Rainbow on Feb 26, 2016 5:29:33 GMT
It's not really about the salmon. He's eaten it before and had no problems. Idk why he decided that night was the night to rebel. I was frustrated that night, and was really over the attitude. It started when I picked him up from school. In hindsight the 2 bites thing was a real dumb ass idea. I've never had this problem with him in the past with dinner. The issue is his overall attitude/ argumentativeness. I love you peas, but please let me vent. I don't have the energy to rationalize my decisions that night. I'm not perfect. Just needed some people I enjoy chatting with to tell me it'll be ok one day.  |
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Feb 26, 2016 5:30:26 GMT
I could have written this post exactly 4 and a half years ago with my son minus the fractured hand. Every single thing I said or did he had to be against it. It got to the point where I had to let my husband deal with him cause we butted heads so bad! And add the death of my father at this time and I felt like I was living a nightmare. We got thru it though, and I learned you really have to pick your battles, cause if you take up every battle he throws down, you will forever be fighting with him! I would describe this time period as my son going away and in his place was this person that I did not like, much less wanna spend time with. And then magically when he was around 18 or so he came back!!!  It was such a relief! I had felt like we had failed as parents. But after much reading and consensus, I found out this was perfectly normal. And I also read that the parent they are closest to will be the one the have the most problems with. Lucky me!! Now we are close and he confides in me. Just hang on, pick your battles and look forward to the day your son comes back! |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 26, 2016 5:32:11 GMT
My kid is still little but I have plenty of nieces and nephews that have already gone through that phase with my siblings so I've seen it up close. You definitely aren't the only one dealing with it, it's just that a lot of people (like my sister) really like to sugar coat anything about their kids so anyone outside of the immediate situation doesn't know what little hellions they can be at times! To talk to her, you would think all three of her kids were straight A students, popular with all their classmates, star athletes, etc. What she won't tell you is how many times the cops were called to their house, how many times she found "some other kid's" weed in her kid's room or how many times the kids crashed the car.  Yeah, whatever. I agree with the others that by 14, you're not going to win any food battles with a kid. I can't win them half the time with my five year old! I do what I can to have healthy choices here in the house and beyond that, I don't fight it too much. We can still pretty much get her to eat two bites, but hey, she's five. By 14, I would have a take it or leave it attitude, and if he chooses to leave it then he can fend for himself that night *and* HE gets to cook dinner the next night or maybe even for the next week! What I've witnessed with my siblings' kids being one step removed from the situation is that the siblings who were less consistent in their parenting (between mom vs. dad was the big one but also from one incident to the next) were the ones whose kids acted out the most and pushed back the hardest. The siblings who drew the line in the sand early on and held firm with their expectations had fewer problems all the way along the line. That's not to say their kids were perfect, but they knew what the expectations were and what the outcome would be ahead of time because they also knew their parents wouldn't cave. Hang in there and stand firm! Parenting is the toughest job there is. ETA: And odds are, everything will be ok eventually! Hopefully, this too will pass.  |
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scorpeao
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Post by scorpeao on Feb 26, 2016 5:35:49 GMT
I only have experience with girls, so I have no idea...do boys get hormonal like girls do? I know my SO seems to cycle. Perhaps your son is just a ball of hormones and doesn't know how to deal with it. When my dd was hormonal I was told to cut her some slack. They are young and don't know how to cope...they haven't yet developed the tools necessary. Anyway, I dealt with her attitude by not engaging. Maybe that's an approach that might work for you? I was also told not to take it personal. It helped us a lot. She's now almost 19 and we have a pretty good relationship. She's still moody, and when she is I just give her space.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 5:35:59 GMT
If I allowed this, he would only eat sandwiches. For real. I figured if he tasted the salmon he'd realize...oh yeah this is pretty good. I'd rather him just starve for the night than give him a sandwich choice. And what is the harm of him only eating sandwiches? Why would you rather him starve for the night than be allowed to exercise a reasonable choice that doesn't create more work for you? What Volt said. I'm on my 6th teenager and there are some hills you just don't die on. If he can make himself a sandwich when he doesn't want to eat what's been made, have at it. You have to understand that is so NOT about the food or whether you can make him *realize* it actually tastes good. It's about him wanting and needing to assert a feeling of independence. To be able to make some choices on his own, not have them made for him down to most basic things in his life. Like what he will eat. My youngest often doesn't like what I have planned for dinner (uber picky eater). When that happens, he makes his own. It's been that way for years now. He's a very accomplished cook and now appreciates what making dinner involves. I could have been all hard-cased and demanded he eat what we ate, but this has worked out so much better. I now know that he will be able to cook for himself when he sets out on his own. Bonus is he's become very health conscious about what he eats. Give the kid some slack on the rope in regards to the some things, is my advice. L |
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Post by esperanza on Feb 26, 2016 5:48:20 GMT
And what is the harm of him only eating sandwiches? Why would you rather him starve for the night than be allowed to exercise a reasonable choice that doesn't create more work for you? What Volt said. I'm on my 6th teenager and there are some hills you just don't die on. If he can make himself a sandwich when he doesn't want to eat what's been made, have at it. You have to understand that is so NOT about the food or whether you can make him *realize* it actually tastes good. It's about him wanting and needing to assert a feeling of independence. To be able to make some choices on his own, not have them made for him down to most basic things in his life. Like what he will eat. My youngest often doesn't like what I have planned for dinner (uber picky eater). When that happens, he makes his own. It's been that way for years now. He's a very accomplished cook and now appreciates what making dinner involves. I could have been all hard-cased and demanded he eat what we ate, but this has worked out so much better. I now know that he will be able to cook for himself when he sets out on his own. Bonus is he's become very health conscious about what he eats. Give the kid some slack on the rope in regards to the some things, is my advice. L Good advice, thank you. I chose the wrong hill to die on that night fo sho. |
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Post by smokeynspike on Feb 26, 2016 5:57:48 GMT
My DH told me a story (that I later saw with my own eyes) of his brother punching a hole in a hollow core door when they were growing up. They covered it up with a poster and it was many years before his parents found out. I think that may be a boy thing. My teenage nephew has punched doors as well.
I only have one child, a 12 year old girl, and she is feisty and disrespectful at times too. Food is not something I am willing to argue with her about. I cook dinner. She can either eat it or not. She can find other sides, if she doesn't like the veggie. She can make a sandwich. I don't care. She will eat when she is hungry, just like I eat when I am hungry.
The one thing that I get on her case about is school work. Our expectation is that is her "job" and I want her putting in place good habits because her grades *will* effect her life when she gets to high school and college. I don't expect all A grades, but I do expect her best. Missing assignments are a no-go too.
You will be ok! My mom and I fought like cats and dogs when I was a teenager and we are just fine now. Most kids grow out of it and I think it is a rare kid that doesn't want anything to do with their parents when they hit 18.
Melissa
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 26, 2016 6:09:48 GMT
What you need to hear is that this too shall pass. My oldest turned into a major turd as junior in high school. My husband didn't really support my side of things and it went downhill quickly. He got in a bad car accident a year later and realized quite quickly that family is everything (if you are lucky). Now he is 21 and appreciates his mom and dad and is still verbally a turn on occasion, but he is back to his old self and I am thankful. I also think that he can eat sandwiches every night if needed. Let that battle go. Save up for alcohol and girls.
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Post by AussieMeg on Feb 26, 2016 6:34:48 GMT
And what is the harm of him only eating sandwiches? Why would you rather him starve for the night than be allowed to exercise a reasonable choice that doesn't create more work for you? What Volt said. I'm on my 6th teenager and there are some hills you just don't die on. If he can make himself a sandwich when he doesn't want to eat what's been made, have at it. My youngest often doesn't like what I have planned for dinner (uber picky eater). When that happens, he makes his own. It's been that way for years now. He's a very accomplished cook and now appreciates what making dinner involves. I could have been all hard-cased and demanded he eat what we ate, but this has worked out so much better. I now know that he will be able to cook for himself when he sets out on his own. Bonus is he's become very health conscious about what he eats.My 11yo son is quite a picky eater. the rest of us like to eat tasty interesting food. On the nights that I cook things I know that he won't eat, then he has tinned spaghetti on toast or if I'm feeling generous mac & cheese! I live in hope that he grows out of it and starts eating a wider variety of food, and that when he gets older he decides to make healthier choices on his own without me having to nag him. My DD was picky as a little girl, but she is a great eater now, and nags ME to cook more vegetables! |
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Post by lucyg on Feb 26, 2016 7:25:11 GMT
My son is 34 now and there's still a hole in my bedroom door from where he kicked it once as a teen. Maybe I'll replace it one of these days. (And he was my easy teenager.)  I also understand one of my nephews put his entire butt through a wall once. I'm cracking up thinking about it now, actually. All you can do is hang on for the ride and hope for the best. Good luck. P.S. I should add that I agree (in hindsight) about not fighting over dinner. But he shouldn't be rude about whatever you make. Yeah, good luck with that. |
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Feb 26, 2016 7:51:58 GMT
I'm sorry. I have a 16 year old. He hasn't punched a wall yet, but I miss the sweet little boy who was so fun to be with.
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oaksong
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Post by oaksong on Feb 26, 2016 7:57:36 GMT
For me this time is kind of like potty training.  It's the terrible twos, teenage version. Vent away, it will be over before you know it. |
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Post by gar on Feb 26, 2016 8:01:16 GMT
Parenting is hard isn't it  but you'll be fine and so will he. Tomorrow, have a think about how you'll handle it next time, where you might adjust things as you go along as he gets older and wants/needs more independence and remember - we all learn as we go along, just like you, sometimes it just looks like everyone else is having an easy time  |
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BarbaraUK
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Post by BarbaraUK on Feb 26, 2016 9:41:25 GMT
And, you know, he has already learned one lesson from it all - lose control and punch a door in a fit of temper and the consequences can be a lot greater than one ever intended or imagined! Hang in there, it does definitely get easier honestly. Hope you feel a lot better today. |
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Post by peasapie on Feb 26, 2016 10:10:26 GMT
Ugh I hated a couple of the teenage years. They turn into aliens! I swore mine were re-enacting the terrible twos again.
I remember feeling like I was walking a line between letting him find himself and not letting him go too far off the rails. My older sister used to advise me to pick my battles, and that did help some. Big hugs to you!!!
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It was such a relief! I had felt like we had failed as parents. But after much reading and consensus, I found out this was perfectly normal. And I also read that the parent they are closest to will be the one the have the most problems with. Lucky me!! Now we are close and he confides in me. 
Yeah, whatever.
I also understand one of my nephews put his entire butt through a wall once. I'm cracking up thinking about it now, actually. 
It's the terrible twos, teenage version. Vent away, it will be over before you know it. 
but you'll be fine and so will he. Tomorrow, have a think about how you'll handle it next time, where you might adjust things as you go along as he gets older and wants/needs more independence and remember - we all learn as we go along, just like you, sometimes it just looks like everyone else is having an easy time 
