I feel like a shitty mom. Small update pg 3

Oh...yes, I completely understand. I had the bunch of carrots in my hand at the time-waving them around like a crazed woman.

I agree about coming down hard on the names. My daughter did it too. Every name in the book hurled at me. After she left for college, it started again somewhat on her first visit home. That's when I tried to shut it down and DH and I went to counseling. I wasn't going to accept that and wanted to set new rules since she wasn't living here full-time anymore. She might be come May and if the verbal assaults start again, there will be hell to pay. I won't put up with it again from someone soon to be 19. She can be mad but act like a respectful adult. Hold your ground.

I am sorry if you didn't like my comment but I do see a lot of problem in the future for this mom and her son ,I could have sugar coated and I choose not to do it ,we are all grown up here .

If you choose to post here be prepared to be to put your big girl panties on .

ps I have two sons that are 28 and 24 years old and Yes I remember Lysol couch boy

That is typically what I do.  There are things that DH and I that the kids don't like, so I will cook them some pasta or something else really easy.  

You mention that your ds has learning disabilities. Any chance that he has some neuro-psych stuff, too? Having one doesn't mean that you have the other, but sometimes they do go hand-in-hand. He could just be a normal teenager venting, but it could also be a triggered moment and perhaps he needs some extra support from a professional.

In the event that he's just doing the teenage hormonal anger then I think he's probably learned a lot just from the pain and suffering of his hand. Yes, you can keep the Xbox for a little bit longer, but selling it? Keeping it for months? That seems awfully extreme. Once his hand has healed he can pay for and fix the hole in the wall. He didn't want salmon. Really, he's going to a hospital and losing his Xbox over the fact that he wanted something else for dinner and threw a tantrum. Let him make his own dinner when he won't eat what you've fixed. At 14 he'll learn to fend for himself, anyway. Not a bad life skill to know how to put together your own nutritious meal. A sandwich has protein, carbs and veggies. Maybe show him how to make simple meals, as well. Eating what he chooses while eating w/the rest of the family doesn't seem like a big deal unless you're a younger child. You're making a bad situation worse and much more extreme by holding that Xbox hostage. Taking it for a couple weeks is one thing, but what you're planning is teaching him to overreact. He overreacted once and look what happened? Don't overreact in response to him. Please consider my words. Parenting a teenager is sometimes like running backwards up a down escalator.

If I remember correctly this bit of information was only added well into the thread, not in the original OP. No misunderstanding at all when a lot of people posted. We can all interpret that it wasn't about the salmon but many agreed that it was about treating a 14 year old appropriately, giving him a little freedom to make choices, adjusting to parenting a teen not a young child etc as well as punishing him for his behaviour. I think a lot of people would still stand by that.

lol

Re-reading your thread, this all obviously hits a nerve for you. I'm sorry your husband didn't back you up but no need to be so dismissive of everyone's responses to the OP. We can all read and address the OP as we see fit.

I agree with the taking of the x-box. I would also add the paying for the damage. I'd print out a bill for what needs to be fixed, either he helps fix it(physically), or print up a list of chores with the amount next to them. He has to complete chores untill he has earned enough.
Make it clear to him, he doesn't get the money it's "earned " for the repairs.
Parenting teens is HARD...espically now.
It's tough, it sucks sometimes, but as much as you have to take their feelings into account, you have to make sure you don't get walked over.
Hugs....

cindytred - I want to apologise, even after re reading your thread I still managed to miss the bit that your son was killed. I skimmed and read the bit about your dh and then edited my post. No wonder this thread upset you. I'm sorry for the loss of your son.

cindytred I am so so sorry about your son. My heart hurts for you.

anxiousmom the mental image of an over the edge mom waving around a bunch of carrots, pointing them at her indignant teen is cracking me up! (you usually make me laugh anyway. I love your writing style)

OP, you have my sympathy and support. I would insist that he sell the xbox and whatever else he had of value to pay the part that insurance didn't cover. Still some debt left? He'd be doing my most hated chores every weekend until his debt was paid off. Period.
I would do this knowing that this was going to be harder on me than on him. You will have to oversee the chores and make sure they're done up to your standards, which will always inspire temper tantrums.

Here's what happened to me:

I started homeschooling my DS in 6th grade when he became so frustrated by his inability to deal with 6+ hours in school each day that he started on the path to becoming a punk. When I realized that I had the choice between leaving him in school and hoping he absorbed some of the academics in between punishments or bringing him home where I could deal with the frustrations and, hopefully, get him interested in learning again, our homeschool journey began. The first 18 months were nightmare territory. Not only did we have to detox from the school situation, but he was going thru puberty, too. The only thing I had going for me was he knew that I followed thru on whatever punishment I told him would happen.

After months of dealing with cycles of rant/punish, rant/punish, I finally started trying other ways of dealing with his nastiness. He was always sorry for what he'd said or done and not just because he was being punished, and he knew I loved him and that I was doing the best I could to help him become the person he wanted to be. Still, he'd unleash that temper on me just because I was there and I was going to love him no matter how much of little shit he was.

So, one morning he came downstairs in the nastiest mood. I made the mistake (what WAS I thinking? LOL) of saying "Good Morning" to him and off he went. I stood there for a minute or so, then very quietly said his name. My family says I'm at my most dangerous when I'm quiet, so he stopped his rant at once and looked at me. I told him that I was making him a one time offer for a redo: he could go back upstairs, wash his face, brush his teeth, and look himself in the mirror and think about if he really wanted to start his day off this way. That's all I said. He stood there for a minute, then went back upstairs. A few minutes later, after taking care of his morning ablutions, he came back downstairs a much nicer person. After that, there were times that he would get started, then stop abruptly and ask if a redo was possible. and when it was, he made it worth my while by being an outstandingly wonderful human being for the rest of the day.

Still, there were times...when he was 15, just weeks from turning 16 and being eligible to get that almighty wonderful driving license, he had a complete meltdown. We were at one of my friends' house and he decided to not only disobey me but to give me a mouthful to go along with it. I tried the quiet reboot and he just went right on. I started holding up fingers then, like when you're counting to 3 for a small child. After I reached 5, he stopped ranting and asked what the fingers meant. I told him that each one represented one week that he would have to wait AFTER his 16th birthday to get his license. He started ranting again and I started adding fingers while not saying a word. Around finger #8, he asked for a redo. I said nope, not this time. The rant was over at that point and now his attention was focused on trying to figure out how he could get me to agree to let him earn this privilege back. He knew that wasn't going to happen - never had, never would - but he sure did try. I made him serve every moment of that time. You can bet that the next time I held up a finger, rant time was over.

My advice to you is to make this lesson painful enough that he doesn't want to repeat it. When he starts to repeat it, and he will, let him go for a minute or two, then very quietly offer him the opportunity to rethink his actions. Make the offer once, just once, and if he doesn't take advantage of your offer, nail him. Before that happens, think about what kind of punishment would be most effective on him that you could also live with. What you never want to do is to throw out a punishment in anger only to realize later that it's as much a punishment to you as it is to him. Like I said above, I found a visual reminder, like the fingers countdown from his childhood, to be fairly effective in reminding him of his previous crime and punishment.

I'll share a funny with you:
Once my son decided he would go on a cursing spree as part of his rant. As he started spouting every swear word that he could think of, I just stood there with this "is that the best you can do " look on my face. After a minute, he stopped and looked at me and said "what!?!" I told him that was the WORST put together string of curses I had ever heard and I was really disappointed by his lack of imagination. He just stood there and gaped at me for a minute, then he laughed. Once he laughed, his nasty spell was over. Not only did he get the standard rant punishment, but I made him write a paper on the origin of common swear words. Don't mess with a homeschool mom - we can turn anything into a life lesson.

Marcy