I feel like a shitty mom. Small update pg 3

A friend of mine teaches middle school. She commented once that middle school boys all seem to go through a jerk stage but by the time they go to high school she sees them mature and turn into nice young men. I thought I had it under control when my son made it through the middle school years as sweet and obedient as ever. Turns out he was saving his jerk years for high school/college. He is 19 and currently has a hole in his bedroom wall that I refuse to fix until he moves out. He is a college student, straight A's. To the outside world, he is smart, charming, musically talented. I know he will make it. You son will too.

We had both of ours to counseling in sophomore/junior years. First one we took awhile to find right counselor though. They have so many hormones they have trouble dealing with emotions. Especially when the emotions swing.

Only thing first counselor did right was recommend the book 'yes your teenager is crazy' by Michael Bradley it really explained what was happening inside them to me.

My DD was wildly emotional from 14-17 like over the top scream fests to curling up in the dogs bed ( dog took offense to that ) but now at 18 she's level headed ( most of the time ) and very respectful and helpful. So you can get thru to the other side.

Hope you can find your way with your teen. Some of the most difficult years. {{{ hugs }}}

I firmly believe this is why they apprenticed children to others at 12-13-14 in the Middle Ages. Lol

Hugs! You're not a crappy mom. His reaction to the consequence is just that---his. It is his fault that he now has this injury.

As for moody, miserable boys entering puberty----i am so right there next to you. DS (13)'s main form of communication these days are the eye-roll/sigh combo and slammed doors. I find myself handing out consequences due to his reactions more than his actions these days. It's exhausting and I miss my sweet, happy boy. I do see little teeny tiny peeks of him every so often, so I know he's still in there. He's just buried under hormones it seems these days.

Hang in there, Mom! We'll all get through this!

Don't blame yourself. I have three teen girls and the only difference is they don't punch walls. They complain about cooking, shirk chores, complain, hate what I cook, drama, yell, whine, fight with each other, complain, etc.

But they are angels at school and church. I anxiously await the empty nest.

Teenagers are like giant toddlers that you can't pick up and put in time out. And boys are just as moody as girls, and in some cases worse because their hormones are the kind that promote anger and aggression over all else.

I'm sorry, vent away. A lot of us have our own versions of the 'teenage nightmare' that we got to be participate in and can totally understand-even the part where you revert to treating them like toddlers because when we start getting so mad we can even think straight, we automatically treat them the way they are acting.

Hugs, mom. Parenting teens is not for the faint of heart. Vent away.

I agree with anxious that in many ways, they're like giant toddlers.

I am so sorry. It is really hard being a parent - especially when you are trying to mold them into respectful, good, productive adults. Here is all I can say to you: you can be the best parent in the world, do everything people and experts say is right, and still teenagers can be very difficult. I think this is particularly true if they go into those years with other issues such as learning difficulties.

I have a daughter that was the miracle teenager - no real issues. No drama, followed rules, and only got into really minor trouble once. So I was totally unprepared for what happened with my son in the teenage years.

He struggled with school (ADHD), started not following the rules, skipped school, was abusive towards me and eventually got mixed up in drugs and got himself into trouble legally. During this time we were taking him to therapists, had consequences for actions, were involved with school, spent time with him and modeled good behavior. It still happened and it was hell. This was an extreme situation and chances are it will not get that bad with your son. Even with all this, he is now almost 19 and like a different person. He is in school, is living on his on, is responsible, doesn't get into trouble, has dealt with the consequences of his previous actions and we talk all the time and are very close. I tell you all this, to let you know things really do get better. I am sure you are a great parent. I wish, during all we went through, I had been kinder to myself though. Hugs!

I punched a hole in the wall when I was 13. Those years are rough. You as a teen are dealing with suddenly amplified feelings and an overwhelming desire for independence, and you're often able to control much of your life -- school, home, relationships. I remember not even knowing why I felt so lousy. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was much more in touch with my feelings, and I had a lot more control over myself and my environment, and I know my relationship with my parents improved a great deal. Those early teen years can be the worst!

Sorry you are dealing with it, and you will, I promise, both get through it. I do agree with others that you are going to have an easier time if you decide carefully which areas are ones where you will have firm boundaries and which areas are ones where your kid can make his own decisions.

The boy is 14! She of course should still be expecting her kid to listen to her and do as she says!

I get it. I was raised to eat what my mom slaved over in the kitchen or don't eat. I'll raise my kids that way. It's not control. It's respect.

The violence and property damage at only 14 is worrisome. This *would* be a battle I'd choose and I've have him in anger management courses. I've lived with a door slammer, wall puncher, thrower...it's scary, it's abusive, and I'd be all over it if I were you.

Regarding the wall punching - according to my daughter, most of her friends had holes punched in their walls and doors. I was gobsmacked. We didn't do that in my home growing up, and neither did my friends.  I don't know how this became something kids do???

Good luck to you.  Hope it goes the way you expect.  It doesn't for everyone.

I don't think you are a bad parent...at all!
You did what many parents totally fail to do. You told him that if he didn't chill out (refusing to eat fish is one thing but being disrespectful is another) he'd get the game taken away. You gave him consequences, and followed through on them. BRAVO for that. He acted out in response to that by punching the wall, creating his own consequences for that action, a broken hand. Totally understandable that he vented out like that, we all do it in some way and at that age they don't think things through. That is: If I punch this wall, there's a good chance I will injure my hand. It was his decision to hit the wall, and well, he lives with the results of that choice he made. No reason for you to feel guilty about that but I completely understand that as a mom, you might. They have a way of making us second-guess our parenting skills, don't they? (Just wait, one day they will have kids of their own and then they'll understand, haha. That line that every parent mutters.)

I hope that your feeling bad about it didn't lead to you giving the game back. If it were me, I'd actually sell the dang thing and explain to him that since his actions are going to cost you big dollars for surgery, the proceeds from the game will go toward that. To shoulder some of the burden for the situation he caused is a good thing. The real world is coming up in a few short years and that is how it works. We get to make our choices and if they are good ones we reap the rewards but if they are bad ones, they cost us in some way, shape or form. It's a good lesson to learn and one that a lot of parents don't seem to want to teach, which IMO is doing them a disservice.

One phrase my son heard OVER AND OVER while growing up is: I don't reward bad behavior. To the point he began to start saying it before I even could. Haha. I know he hated it but amazingly, when I was there visiting this fall, I heard him say the exact same thing regarding his little one when she was throwing a toddler tantrum. Oh, you don't know how big I smiled on the inside. He just looked over at me and gave me this look like, "Hey, it worked on me, I'm going with it." Parent validation right there and we sure don't get enough of those moments do we?

When I was a child/teen, we had NO voice. We were physically abused and if we even dared to speak our thoughts we got a beating for 'backtalking.' I swore that when I had kids I would let them speak. And I did. I was always open to respectful conversation about anything with my son. He didn't get to tell me what to do, but I did let him have his voice. I will tell you, there were times that after listening to him, I would change my mind about the issue at hand. If his point-of-view made sense, I'd admit that. Were there times he tried to talk me into something with a sly grin as he laid out his reasoning, knowing full well that it wasn't going to fly? Yep. "Nice try, Dan, but no." was commonly heard. In the end I was the parent and what I decided was the final decision. But just letting them be heard can do a few things; first of all, they don't have to bottle up their frustration and resort to things like punching walls. Secondly, when they know that you are willing to be reasonable and hear them out, they feel that you are fair and in my experience, it takes away their need to push back just for the sake of wanting to be heard. They know you will entertain rational ideas so they have no need to act out and create situations just to express themselves.

One of the most honest things I ever told him is this," Hey, I have no prior experience being the parent of a teen. You have no prior experience being a teen. We are learning as we go. I will make mistakes, as will you. If we can work as a team I think it will all go much smoother. So, have patience with me and I will with you. As long as we treat each other with love and respect, we can work through anything."
Did I have the perfect child? No. Was I a perfect mother? No. But I did learn from my mom's own parenting techniques what not to do. Seriously, his teen years were a piece of cake compared to the horror stories I read other parents going through. We rarely butted heads because we just didn't have to. We could disagree but always remembered that we were on the same team. That helped both of us a LOT.
To this day we have a pretty great relationship.

All this to say...let him have a voice. If he doesn't want to eat something, okay. Respect that he knows his own palate and even that he just knows what he does or doesn't want to eat. I know this is just one example of a conflict but being reasonable in other things will get you a lot further with a lot less grief. Be willing to listen and that will alleviate a lot of arguing just for the sake of arguing. Be a good team.

Please know that this is all just my opinion and experience and everyone has their own way of parenting. I just wanted to share the mindset that worked for me. I hate battles with anyone. If you eliminate the need to battle, it frees up a lot of stress and upset feelings for everyone.

Good luck to your son on his hand surgery. I hope all goes well.

I will never do this to my kids. There are foods I dislike, plain and simple. There are nights I don't feel like x,y, or z so I have A.

Why should my kids always eat exactly what *I* want for dinner?

I'm not making a second meal typically, but they could eat a sandwich or find something else. Every once in a while if I am craving something they really don't like at all, I'll make them something different.

My tastes should be the dictator of theirs