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Post by cyndijane on Mar 31, 2016 4:45:06 GMT
Good for you!! You did it all without screaming at her...that was perfect. Each time my grandchildren have detoxed from electronics they stop the nonsense and appreciate what they have! My kids aren't that old yet, but the phrase "detoxes from electronics" got my attention. We're just ending a month without TV/movies/tablets and my boys are soooo much more pleasant. OP, I think you handled the situation perfectly, and with more grace than I would have. Keep it up- parenting isn't for the faint of heart!
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 31, 2016 5:36:41 GMT
We just back from a week in Mexico. No matter where we went or what we did, people were on electronics the entire time. We took an hour camel ride on the beach one day. The scenery had the most amazing colors of blue and green and the camels were friendly and had such fun personalities. Two of the ladies spent the entire ride on their phones, They were typing and scrolling the entire time. At every meal, kids and some adults were on their phones and couldn't be bothered to look at the waitstaff when asked a question. I thought it looked rude. Personally I enjoyed a week away from technology. My kids had no problem with the lack of technology. I guess it is just the way that it is, but I admire your swift action and hope you can see this through so it makes a huge impact.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Mar 31, 2016 7:33:18 GMT
Please scoot over on that bench. I have a boy, but am having some of the same troubles. He normally wakes up in a good mood. But today he didn't. I tried talking to him as I was driving him to school and by the time I dropped him off he slammed the car door so hard that I was worried that he broke it. Good for you for setting boundaries. Remember the line Dr. Phil often says about how we teach people how to treat us? You're teaching her that you're not going to tolerate being treated rudely and disrespectfully. Good for you! Raising adolescents is hard. Actually, I've started nannying an infant a few hours a week so I at least have contact with a child who is happy to see me.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 31, 2016 10:35:41 GMT
7th grade Math class. There was a boy in our class who thought he was being funny by making bird noises for everyone to laugh at. The math teacher made him come back at 3:00 to make bird noises for a solid hour. I guarantee that boy never made another bird noises in his life! Sadly, as someone who works in a school, I don't think a teacher could get away with a punishment like that today. I think it's brilliant, though. Yep. I can't even make kids pick up the trash they purposely throw onto the floor.
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Post by maryland on Mar 31, 2016 10:56:39 GMT
I can totally see myself doing the same. My 16 yr old dd is not quite that bad but "asking her to do a few simple chores is like asking her to make an Everest climb - she throws a fit," She loves to throw I can't do that becaause I have to do my homework, you want me to fail school and on and on and on. I threaten to take her phone away and she shuts up and seethes quietly with a lot of big sighs. First I would open that wine and then I would have a calm clear discussion about expectations when she is calm, set out very strict guidelines and consequences. Hang in there, keep being calm cool and collected and hopefully she will be human again soon. My 16 yr. old is like that with chores too. My older and younger daughters are good about doing chores when asked and just "complain" with a smile, but they never talk back. My 16 yr. old hardly ever talks back, but she uses the homework excuse. Well, we should just take the phone away because that is the biggest thing that gets in the way of doing homework. Chores we ask them to do take no more than 15 min. (and that's if we really give them a lot of chores to do. Most of their chores take less than 5 min.).
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Post by maryland on Mar 31, 2016 11:03:45 GMT
One of the most wonderful by products of living in this old house of mind is that in spite of the doors being old, heavy solid wood, they are old, solid, heavy wood doors that are swollen to the point that closing them completely is a bit of a struggle. Years ago I considered pulling them down and replaning the edges, but shortly into that thought process I had a kid start with the pre-teen grumpy-pants wanting to slam doors. There is something very satisfying to a parent watching the pissed off kid trying to slam a door that only gently bumps the frame before gliding to a very quiet stop. BEST THING EVER. My oldest son righteously earned the title Prince Assholian. He would glare, huff and puff, stomp, ignore and otherwise treat me as if I was too stupid to breathe on my own. If I had a dollar for every time I told him to walk it off or him a discussion was over until he could manage to act like a human being I would be the richest woman in Florida. We can just hope that they have sons and daughters just like they are as teens! My brother was the moody teen that was often mad at my parents (my mom didn't like his friends). But he gets the sweetest best behaved teen daughter and son. Not fair!
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Post by threecs on Mar 31, 2016 11:27:23 GMT
Teenagers require industrial-strength parenting. Keep up the good work.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,829
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Mar 31, 2016 12:13:59 GMT
As I was reading I was saying to myself, "Cahnge the wifi password."
Then you did it. Yay you!
I have also found that social media causes comparison issues. Everyone else's life looks better than theirs. It has caused occasional surliness in my teen.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Mar 31, 2016 12:28:39 GMT
I am validating yo, and love it! Now - for the slamming doors, if it persists - take the door off the hinges. That will get her attention real quick!
Good luck, I have a 15 yr old dd also! Their phones/wifi are their "entire world". Hang in there!!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 31, 2016 12:31:35 GMT
I am probably going to be judged as too soft and enabling but I do think she needs to see a counselor and be careful about cutting her off from the internet. It is a dangerous age and I would be careful not too push her too far. I'm curious how do you think cutting her off from the internet would be a bad thing for her? Personally I think most of us can benefit from time off the internet. OP I think you did a great job. Counseling is never a bad thing. I use it whenever I feel the need to check in with myself. Teens make so much of what happens in their lives all about them, when usually it has nothing to do with them, having an objective person to talk that through is a great thing.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,537
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Mar 31, 2016 12:35:56 GMT
Good for you for setting boundaries. Remember the line Dr. Phil often says about how we teach people how to treat us? You're teaching her that you're not going to tolerate being treated rudely and disrespectfully. Good for you! I agree with this. And to take it a step further, you're setting an example for your daughter that she should not tolerate being treated disrespectfully. Could come in handy with future relationships.
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Post by debmast on Mar 31, 2016 12:45:54 GMT
Well it sounds like you definitely found her currency. Way to follow thru & stick with it.
Parenting teens is hard work!
My hubby likes the expression "Maybe I can't MAKE you do it, but I can make you wish you had". We'll ask them to do something, maybe remind once. Then there are consequences.
I have a 15 year old right now, and a 19 year old, both girls.. The one 15 now is laid back, easy to deal with, will do what's asked because she likes to keep things status quo - wants her phone, her social life, etc. She may go in her room, shut the door and grumble to herself, but she will do what is asked.
The 19 year old - well let's just say she and her father are 99% the same (that 1% is that is different is she is female). The two of them would butt heads constantly. Up until about the summer before her senior year. She is now a college sophomore and they get along great. (She also no longer lives with us LOL)
Hang in there mama and stay strong. The Peas got your back!
I agree working in a JH gives you a longer fuse! I always told my girls the best thing that ever happened to them was I got a job at a JH!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:22:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 12:46:57 GMT
Did the poor dear ever get to complete her homework, since she was so distraught about it?
If not, I'd be tempted to email her teacher and explain that due to DD's behavior (don't go into detail, of course), she didn't have access to the internet. Even though you offered to make an accommodation, she turned you down. That way, the blame for the unfinished homework gets put squarely where it belongs.
Here's hoping she comes to her senses soon!
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Mar 31, 2016 12:54:13 GMT
Think you've done great I've had my share of battles this past year with my now 19 yo and 16 1/2 yo. Both were fairly short-lived and I think it's because I was tough on them. I cannot stand disrespectful behavior and there is nothing that makes me get on your case like that. Older one became disrespectful and was out of the house for a few months. He came back a new person, don't think the grass was any greener on the other side. He was always a sweet kid until around 17 1/2. I feel like since he's been home he's returned to that sweet kid. I'm so glad I held my ground and refused to take his crap. My now 16 1/2 yo was the girl who didn't have currency....ground her, take away something and she'd just smartly say that's fine, I don't need it. Amazingly enough phones are currency to almost every teen I've done as you did and turned off her texting/data when she's really given me too much crap. She's realized within the last few months it seems that it's much easier to get along than not. Think she finally realized if she treats me like crap, there's no way i'm going to happily drive her where she needs to be. While we don't have a perfect relationship, I feel like she's doing her part to get along and appreciate what she has.
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Post by fredfreddy on Mar 31, 2016 14:51:00 GMT
Good for you and keep it up. I know it is exhausting but you need to keep going.
We already went through one very difficult daughter and it is nice is see the results since she is an independent decent 23 yo and a mom.
I am currently wanting to kill both my 16 and 13 yo sons. Their grades are abysmal. One has a D+ and 10 missing assignment sin the class that he should be doing his best in. He just discovered South PArk so he is binge watching that instead of working. Other son has two Fs and is trying but not hard enough. The attitude comes to the surface whenever grades are mentioned
The worst part is the parenting percentages haven't changed. I was a SAHM and am now working. Dh was running a company and sold it and now spends his days gardening, fishing, going to the gym and programming a bit. Whenever I ask for his help he says two sentences to them and thinks that will make it all better. I am tired of raising teenagers.
ETA: Thank you for the stories. I went upstairs and talked to dh to address the D+ issue while I am at work (spring break for kids). Unfortunately his D+ class is computer sci so I don't know how to cut off internet access for entertainment while still keeping it for school work but dh sure does!
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,370
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Mar 31, 2016 15:46:31 GMT
Someone posted this on FB yesterday.
I want to be a good parent. I just feel like I'm going to need some different kids to work with.
Some days that's how it feels.
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Post by maryland on Mar 31, 2016 16:03:40 GMT
Well it sounds like you definitely found her currency. Way to follow thru & stick with it. Parenting teens is hard work! My hubby likes the expression " Maybe I can't MAKE you do it, but I can make you wish you had". We'll ask them to do something, maybe remind once. Then there are consequences. I have a 15 year old right now, and a 19 year old, both girls.. The one 15 now is laid back, easy to deal with, will do what's asked because she likes to keep things status quo - wants her phone, her social life, etc. She may go in her room, shut the door and grumble to herself, but she will do what is asked. The 19 year old - well let's just say she and her father are 99% the same (that 1% is that is different is she is female). The two of them would butt heads constantly. Up until about the summer before her senior year. She is now a college sophomore and they get along great. (She also no longer lives with us LOL) Hang in there mama and stay strong. The Peas got your back! I agree working in a JH gives you a longer fuse! I always told my girls the best thing that ever happened to them was I got a job at a JH! Love this! My daughters also know that if they behave, they will have a lot of freedom and we don't have a lot of restrictions at all for them. But they have to keep our trust, and they do. So that does pretty much keep them on track. If we could only get them to stop being slobs!
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Post by Merge on Mar 31, 2016 16:07:03 GMT
Thanks again all for the validation and input. She chose to actually pre-make her own lunch last night (something she rarely does) and was very quiet this morning.
I don't disagree that an objective listening ear might help her. I have two concerns about counseling - one, that we'll unwittingly get one who validates all her self-focused teen angst instead of helping her see things with an eye to the big picture, and two, that I seriously don't have time to drive a kid back and forth to counseling who shows no signs of any mental health issues until she doesn't get what she wants. So I don't know.
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Post by Merge on Mar 31, 2016 16:08:56 GMT
Did the poor dear ever get to complete her homework, since she was so distraught about it? If not, I'd be tempted to email her teacher and explain that due to DD's behavior (don't go into detail, of course), she didn't have access to the internet. Even though you offered to make an accommodation, she turned you down. That way, the blame for the unfinished homework gets put squarely where it belongs. Here's hoping she comes to her senses soon! She had told me previously that she didn't have homework last night. Pretty sure she was just trying to manipulate me into giving her the wifi password.
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Post by deekaye on Mar 31, 2016 16:23:33 GMT
Sadly, as someone who works in a school, I don't think a teacher could get away with a punishment like that today. I think it's brilliant, though. Yep. I can't even make kids pick up the trash they purposely throw onto the floor. Oh please, tell me this isn't true! Really? Why wouldn't you be able to tell a student (request, ask, suggest, whatever) to pick up trash they've thrown on the floor?
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 31, 2016 17:07:23 GMT
Sadly, as someone who works in a school, I don't think a teacher could get away with a punishment like that today. I think it's brilliant, though. Yep. I can't even make kids pick up the trash they purposely throw onto the floor. seriously? Reading teacher posts here makes me happy I work where I do. I can't imagine some of the issues you all have to put up with.
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Post by whopea on Mar 31, 2016 17:25:04 GMT
Very wise of you to remove services from her phone and wifi access. You rock Mom! Keep telling yourself that this will pass too, just like sleep training, just like a biting phase, just like potty training accidents. It's just longer and they seem almost human as teenagers that makes it harder.
I'm sort of on the bench with Darcy, though. Combined with her accusation that you don't really know what's going on with her and her absolute refusal to hand over the phone, I would be checking it out. Our rule is because we pay the bill, we can check it anytime we like; innocently or if you've given us reason to doubt our trust in you. I certainly think she's given you reason.
I'm filing this away for when I have to use it.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Mar 31, 2016 17:25:45 GMT
Please scoot over on that bench. I have a boy, but am having some of the same troubles. He normally wakes up in a good mood. But today he didn't. I tried talking to him as I was driving him to school and by the time I dropped him off he slammed the car door so hard that I was worried that he broke it. Good for you for setting boundaries. Remember the line Dr. Phil often says about how we teach people how to treat us? You're teaching her that you're not going to tolerate being treated rudely and disrespectfully. Good for you! Raising adolescents is hard. Actually, I've started nannying an infant a few hours a week so I at least have contact with a child who is happy to see me. My son learned to slam doors from someone in life and I told him long ago you will NOT do that at our home. Period. If he slams a door (which he has) I go open it and tell him he may close it properly or lose it.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Mar 31, 2016 17:41:30 GMT
I love how you fixed the phone issue. Tell me 'no' to giving it to me, I would have lost my shit right there. As for the slamming door, my response would be "slam this door one more time and you will not have one for 2 months. watch me" and then I'd do it.
When I didn't want to choke her out, I'd sit down with her and ask her lovingly what is up, why all the anger, see if I could get it out of her.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,370
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Mar 31, 2016 18:15:09 GMT
I love how you fixed the phone issue. Tell me 'no' to giving it to me, I would have lost my shit right there. As for the slamming door, my response would be "slam this door one more time and you will not have one for 2 months. watch me" and then I'd do it. When I didn't want to choke her out, I'd sit down with her and ask her lovingly what is up, why all the anger, see if I could get it out of her. I know. I can't imagine the red I'd be seeing if that happened.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 31, 2016 18:28:02 GMT
Someone posted this on FB yesterday. I want to be a good parent. I just feel like I'm going to need some different kids to work with. Some days that's how it feels.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Mar 31, 2016 18:30:15 GMT
Consider yourself validated.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:22:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 18:34:26 GMT
I think you did the right thing for sure! I do think she maybe needs to speak with someone though. It sounds like she wants to tell you more but can't/doesn't know how....We've been down this road ... she's had a few sessions with a counselor. There's nothing wrong with her until she has consequences for her behavior, and then she wants to use the idea that there's "something wrong with her" to excuse the behavior or divert our attention from it.The door slamming thing - honestly, she doesn't do that very often. I'm going to pick my battles for now and address that one another day. And no point in stomping in our one-story, hardwood-floored home. No one would even hear you stomp. One of the things that I did with my oldest daughter when she was a teen (who was a lot like yours), was to get a spiral notebook and often communicate through that. The first thing I wrote in the book was the explanation of what it was, a place for both of us to be heard without interruption and defensiveness from the other one. (which is also why I wrote the explanation ) That we could write in it and leave it on each other's pillow when we were bothered about something or even when we weren't. It honestly got us through a lot of arguments with understanding of each other and allowed her to reflect and look back at what I had to say when she was less angry and vice versa. Today she tells me that's one the best things I ever did. Raising teens is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have two girls and today, besides my husband, there's nobody I'd rather spend time with than them. And they actually like being with us, so hang in there it really does get better. ETA: And I validate everything you did, I think you handled it very well.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:22:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 18:42:57 GMT
You have been validated! Hang in there and stand your ground. She will learn one way or another who is in charge.
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Post by monklady123 on Mar 31, 2016 18:58:14 GMT
Sadly, as someone who works in a school, I don't think a teacher could get away with a punishment like that today. I think it's brilliant, though. Yep. I can't even make kids pick up the trash they purposely throw onto the floor. Now that's sad. I'm the mean substitute teacher who makes the entire class pick up the floor before lunch and then again before dismissal (elementary school). And if anyone uses the line "that's not mine" then I write down their name and they have to do an extra chore for me next time I sub in that class. (and they still have to pick up whatever wasn't theirs). Since I sub in only this one school odds are good that I'll get them next time. bwah-ha-ha-ha. OP, hopefully this will all get better soon. I somehow managed to get very lucky with my dd, which I think is mostly that "nature/nurture" thing... she was born with that "nature". She was a rule-follower so we never needed many rules which in turn kept us from having a lot to fight about. However, I know many many girls like yours and as many have already said, it does get better. One of dd's friends was horrible at home during the end of high school, but once she went away to college she turned back into a normal human being.
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