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Post by Blind Squirrel on Mar 31, 2016 1:06:45 GMT
Bless you! I'm super impressed you have managed to stay calm with her.
I applaud the consequence you gave.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:28:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 1:08:59 GMT
I would have done what you did. No question.
I would have also told my daughter "You have the right to feel any way you want. What you DO NOT have the right to do is lash out the way you are now, calling people names, treating people like crap. etc. etc. Do it again and see how bad you life gets. You are 15. That behavior stops NOW."
I do not tolerate fit throwing. It wont be tolerated when they are adults so they might as well learn now.
Send her to her room. Make her scrub base boards with a toothbrush. Have her pick up dog poop. Give her the worst of the worst chores for hissy-fitting.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,582
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Mar 31, 2016 1:10:08 GMT
Good for you!! You did it all without screaming at her...that was perfect. I am so impressed that you kept your cool. I have a really hard time with that. I have a muuuuuch longer fuse than DH, but eventually, I snap back at my teen kids and even sometimes... get sarcastic. *hanging head in shame* I know that never helps. You are my new heroine. Now go pour yourself a glass so I can toast you!
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Post by kristi on Mar 31, 2016 1:10:26 GMT
I took away my daughters phone today & you would have thought it was WWIII. I heard the same story about how how she can't do homework & it is not fair to ruin her social life ?. Her attitude, sighs & eye rolls are just about to kill me. Stay strong!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:28:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 1:11:39 GMT
I agree with the rest. Removing the door will put an immediate stop to slamming.
She wants to stomp up and down the stairs? Make her rinse and repeat until she can walk up or down without that particular affliction.
Hang in there. The harder she pushes you to give her phone and computer back, the longer I would keep it. I predict she will come home from school, all contrite because she has had time to connect with her friends, let them know why she isn't texting or online (because you KNOW that's her immediate distress at the moment - what will her FRIENDS think?), and she'll figure that by then, you'll give in.
(ETA: I was a foot stomper. I clearly remember my mom standing me in the middle of the room and telling me to stomp my feet. She made me stomp my feet until I thought my feet were going to fall off)
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Post by Merge on Mar 31, 2016 1:18:06 GMT
that I obviously have no interest in finding out what is really wrong with her (when I politely asked her to clarify, she declined to say), I think you did the right thing for sure! I do think she maybe needs to speak with someone though. It sounds like she wants to tell you more but can't/doesn't know how.... We've been down this road ... she's had a few sessions with a counselor. There's nothing wrong with her until she has consequences for her behavior, and then she wants to use the idea that there's "something wrong with her" to excuse the behavior or divert our attention from it. The door slamming thing - honestly, she doesn't do that very often. I'm going to pick my battles for now and address that one another day. And no point in stomping in our one-story, hardwood-floored home. No one would even hear you stomp.
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Post by Merge on Mar 31, 2016 1:21:27 GMT
Good for you!! You did it all without screaming at her...that was perfect. I am so impressed that you kept your cool. I have a really hard time with that. I have a muuuuuch longer fuse than DH, but eventually, I snap back at my teen kids and even sometimes... get sarcastic. *hanging head in shame* I know that never helps. You are my new heroine. Now go pour yourself a glass so I can toast you! Teaching middle schoolers has made my fuse unimaginably long. Well, that and Zoloft. Truly, I am darn near unflappable these days. I'm enjoying a very crisp white with a French name that I didn't recognize, but it had a screw top. I was too lazy to use the corkscrew. Slainte!
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Mar 31, 2016 1:22:18 GMT
Stick to your guns Mama!
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 31, 2016 1:27:19 GMT
My father would suggest to you that your next step is to turn off the hot water. I don't have anything very concrete, other than to wonder aloud whether you might need to ask her doctor about checking hormone levels. I mean, she could just be a moody, bratty 15 year old as some of them sometimes are... but since she made a comment about finding out what's really wrong with her, even if she meant it to be glib, that makes me wonder if she realizes something is off, too, but can't quite put a finger on how to explain what or why. I kind of wonder if maybe it's worth asking about PMDD, which is severe PMS. That website (Mayo Clinic) notes: And boy, those last two sound like they fit. Lots of luck to you and DD.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 31, 2016 1:45:08 GMT
I think I love you.
After dealing with approximately 15 similar teens today, and a handful of their parents, I am giving you a standing ovation for your patience, attitude and consequences.
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Post by anxiousmom on Mar 31, 2016 1:51:31 GMT
One of the most wonderful by products of living in this old house of mind is that in spite of the doors being old, heavy solid wood, they are old, solid, heavy wood doors that are swollen to the point that closing them completely is a bit of a struggle. Years ago I considered pulling them down and replaning the edges, but shortly into that thought process I had a kid start with the pre-teen grumpy-pants wanting to slam doors. There is something very satisfying to a parent watching the pissed off kid trying to slam a door that only gently bumps the frame before gliding to a very quiet stop. BEST THING EVER. My oldest son righteously earned the title Prince Assholian. He would glare, huff and puff, stomp, ignore and otherwise treat me as if I was too stupid to breathe on my own. If I had a dollar for every time I told him to walk it off or him a discussion was over until he could manage to act like a human being I would be the richest woman in Florida.
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Post by beachhappy22 on Mar 31, 2016 2:06:41 GMT
I think the punishment is perfect! Stay strong momma! Teenagers are so tough and boy can they wear you down.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 31, 2016 2:10:50 GMT
Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. I went through the teen tantrums too. Good news is that they either eventually outgrow it (mine did, thankfully, by age 17) or they turn 18 and you can tell them they either shape up or ship out. I agree about waiting on the door thing, choosing your battles is a wise course indeed.
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 31, 2016 2:14:20 GMT
I hope you found a yummy wine and some chocolate. Just remember that she won't be a teenager forever. Taking away her texting and social media will be a good wake up call. You certainly got her attention didn't you? GOOD!
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Post by shamrockpea on Mar 31, 2016 2:19:06 GMT
I am probably going to be judged as too soft and enabling but I do think she needs to see a counselor and be careful about cutting her off from the internet. It is a dangerous age and I would be careful not too push her too far.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Mar 31, 2016 2:31:04 GMT
Logical consequence. Nicely handled, Mom.
Stock up on the wine and see the punishment through. This is one of those hills to die on type of moments.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 31, 2016 2:33:21 GMT
Have you checked her phone lately? I know half the peas are going to go postal on me - but the one and only time my daughter refused to hand her phone over to me it was because of some texts that she did not want me to see. We've always had a standing policy of the phones going in a central charging spot at night. I am notified when they download apps, so really very rarely check the phones - but do glance at them occasionally when it seems like it's needed. Particularly with that comment about what's really bothering her - I'd check the phone and see if there's some drama going on.
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Post by yoursweetwhimsy on Mar 31, 2016 2:33:58 GMT
You've done fine. Keep the phone. Open the wine and TAKE OFF THE DOOR!! My DD started the slamming door thing around 13. The door came off. "but how would she get dressed with her two brothers around?" The bathroom. That door would stay. This went on for about a week. She never slammed a door again. She is now a very hard working, 21 yr old, about to graduate college and head to grad school. AND she talks to her momma(me) all the time. AND seems to genuinely like me. There is hope and you will get there! We did the same thing and only had to do it once. Having a door is a privledge, not a right. The phone was my boys currency as well. Taking it away was torture to them so they snapped back pretty quickly. I feel for you, truly. They do become normal again..really.
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Post by ilikepink on Mar 31, 2016 2:36:40 GMT
Good for you, mom! Excellent plan for punishment. I was a door-slammer when I was a delightful 15 y/o (how my mother survived it, I'll never know!) and I have a tolerance for it. My XH, however, didn't. My ODS lost his door once - that's all it takes!
You are not a mom to be a friend, you are a mom to raise them to be adults. At this point in their lives, it's ok to be the Worst Mom Ever.
Cheers!
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Post by lancermom on Mar 31, 2016 2:46:13 GMT
When DD20 acted like this, we punished same way too, but we pre-determined next punishment. So when we talked it over, we said next time, this and that will happen. We made it her choice to loose privlages. Worked like a charm! Now DS not so much. Parenting is the hardest thing to do. We deserve a drink on Weds nights. And some weekends at noon!!!
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
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Post by pridemom on Mar 31, 2016 2:50:14 GMT
I am in a similar boat but with my 18yo DD. We really had it out last week with consequences and she's remarkably improved the past few days.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,790
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Mar 31, 2016 3:01:48 GMT
As the Mom of a 20 yo son, I feel your pain. Stand your ground. Mine is becoming human, but can still be a royal PITA.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 31, 2016 3:32:29 GMT
I have a 14 year old boy and I feel your pain. I love what you did. The fact you didn't power up with her over giving you the phone and just shut it off is perfect
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Post by Really Red on Mar 31, 2016 3:45:35 GMT
I have 3 teenagers. 2 of them had heads that spun and were just like your daughter. One got through it all unscathed. I have NO idea how. Nature vs. nurture. Thank goodness for her nature! So. First of all, I have zero issues with your first response. Maybe it'll put the fear of you in her, maybe it won't. If it does, great, if it doesn't, welcome to my world. Your response worked for me in the beginning, but after a few times it didn't work any more. Every child is different. You have to find what works for each of them. In the end, for me, it was asking them what worked the best. My current 15yo was the worst from 14 to 15 and 3mos. THE worst. There was no respite. He's 15 and 8 mos and he has been charming and adorable for the last 5mos. EVERY day. That's a record! In the end, it was having him tell me what he wanted. It wasn't 100% what I wanted, but when he got to say, he did it all and did it well and nicely. It was about 75% of what I wanted. Maybe 150% for some things and 10% for others, but in the end, 75% of what I want, done nicely and kindly and having a nice teen around was worth losing the other 25%. I think kids mostly are willing to do things, but also want to exert their independence. It sucks giving some of it away, but worth it when you have no disputes. I wish you luck. Much much luck. Teenagers are seriously insane. You need a lot so that eventually you wear at least one of them down, like I did! ETA: For example, he refused - absolutely refused - to blow the grass when he mowed the lawn. WTF? He was hateful about it. I finally just said, "Fine. I will do it. What will you do for me then?" He was surprised and asked me what I wanted. I suggested super simple things, like sweeping the floor, dusting once/week. All things that would take under 10mns. He said, no no no. Instead of getting upset, I asked why he kept saying no. He looked at me as if I were insane, and said "because they are not useful tasks." I asked him what useful tasks are and he had no answer. I said is doing laundry useful? He said yes. Do you know what he does 5-6 times a week now? He washes, dries, folds and puts away all the towels. Instead of a 5-10 minute blowing of grass. I even pointed out to him that it was more work and he said "it is useful work." Can't argue with that!
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Post by alexa11 on Mar 31, 2016 3:51:47 GMT
I love it-good job!
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Post by Belia on Mar 31, 2016 4:02:38 GMT
7th grade Math class. There was a boy in our class who thought he was being funny by making bird noises for everyone to laugh at. The math teacher made him come back at 3:00 to make bird noises for a solid hour. I guarantee that boy never made another bird noises in his life! Sadly, as someone who works in a school, I don't think a teacher could get away with a punishment like that today. I think it's brilliant, though.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Mar 31, 2016 4:24:52 GMT
The door slamming thing - honestly, she doesn't do that very often. I'm going to pick my battles for now and address that one another day I agree with this one. I have a 16 year old daughter and the last year and a half or so with her has been pretty miserable. She doesn't slam her door often, but when she does I just don't even pay attention to it. Not worth it, IMO. I feel for you. It's so frustrating when they are outright defiant. I think you handled this situation awesome! My husband deals much better with ours than I do lately. It take A LOT to make him mad, he can talk so reasonably with her, and I get emotional, and admittedly, lose my shit fairly easily. We also have a 20 year old son, and never had any issues with him. It's so weird how different kids from the same family can be! I was a TERRIBLE teenager. I feel guilty every.single.day for what I put my parents through. From about 15-18 I was a spoiled, self-centered, entitled little witch, and I am here to say, Karma is a bitch!!
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 31, 2016 4:29:00 GMT
ETA: For example, he refused - absolutely refused - to blow the grass when he mowed the lawn. WTF? He was hateful about it. I finally just said, "Fine. I will do it. What will you do for me then?" He was surprised and asked me what I wanted. I suggested super simple things, like sweeping the floor, dusting once/week. All things that would take under 10mns. He said, no no no. Instead of getting upset, I asked why he kept saying no. He looked at me as if I were insane, and said "because they are not useful tasks." I asked him what useful tasks are and he had no answer. I said is doing laundry useful? He said yes. Do you know what he does 5-6 times a week now? He washes, dries, folds and puts away all the towels. Instead of a 5-10 minute blowing of grass. I even pointed out to him that it was more work and he said "it is useful work." Can't argue with that! Well, I'm sorry to hijack the thread, but I have to ask-- why was he supposed to blow the grass? Mowing used to be my chore, but that was not something I had to do when I was done. Although we lived rurally... did your son have to blow it off the sidewalk or something?
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 31, 2016 4:36:02 GMT
I feel your pain. I'm sure you remember my posts about my DD when she was in high school. Awful! I would've rather worked 2 full-time jobs than deal with that again. No boys, booze or bongs but enough bad attitude to turn my hair gray and make it all fall out too.
She's wanting to come home from school permanently in May (and go locally) and while it would save us a ton of $, it might not be worth our sanity. She is stable and all but her 1st visit were pleasant, but I'm still nervous.
Hang in there. I love the phone and WiFi idea. I wish I had done that although I was so mad one time that I did purposely break one of her phones. Not my finest mom moment but it felt good at the time.
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Post by mikewozowski on Mar 31, 2016 4:40:31 GMT
mine was a devil from about age 14 to 20. it can be a long haul! good news is she is 22 now and she likes me again. she always liked dad because he was not the enforcer. i say stick to your guns. you don't deserve to be treated that way and anyone who treats people like that doesn't get what he/she wants. works the opposite, actually. i like the story about the boy who would rather do 5 loads of laundry instead of blow.
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