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Post by merry27 on Apr 17, 2016 22:46:01 GMT
If they need to? My parents do not have any long term care insurance. My mom has repeatedly said she doesn't want to ever be put in a state nursing home. I LOVE my parents and would do anything to help them but I don't know about ever having to take on a role of full-time caregiver
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Post by deputydog on Apr 17, 2016 22:55:07 GMT
My dad lives with me right now but he is a healthy and vigorous 73 year old. He'll probably be with me for another year or so and then he'll either buy or rent his own place. It wasn't planned but it works for the time being.
My mom has her own house, she's 73 also. I suspect she'd jump off a cliff before she'd live with any of her kids! She's proud that way.
As for caring for them when they're quite elderly or infirm I probably would end up being the one caring for them though I really, really hope it doesn't work out that way, much as I love my parents.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Apr 17, 2016 22:55:13 GMT
I hope not. I could have my mom live with me, although that may not be an option as she is being evaluated for early onset alzhiemers. My dad I don't think will live longer than my mom, but living with him would be very difficult as he's never really viewed me as a fully functioning autonomous adult.
I know my in laws don't have the resources for any type of assisted living, but dh has 6 siblings and I think the burden of their care falling on us is pretty slim.
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 17, 2016 23:10:20 GMT
I think my mom is kind of apprehensive about ever having to live in a facility...I have already assured her that she always has a home with me. I would actually enjoy having her here. The 16 year old me would laugh her ass off at that sentiment, but the once-I-grew-up-and-stopped-thinking-the-world-revolved-around-me self would think it was a pretty cool thing.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 8:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 23:15:20 GMT
My parents don't intend to live with me but I would be ok with it. I do intend to live with my dd after I retire. I am saving as much as I can but I don't know that it will be enough for assisted living in my late years. I'd like to have enough saved to do one of those tiny house types of one bedroom/bathroom that I could put in a back yard
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Post by mom on Apr 17, 2016 23:17:53 GMT
My parents never lived with me, full time. But I was my moms full-time caregiver. I went and lived with them when my mom was sick.
My dad has since remarried, and no. I do not think he will ever come live with me. But I would do it if I needed to.
The 6 months I lived with my mom as she was sick and dying was the best 6 months of our relationship. I got to know her like I never knew her before. Yes, it was hard and taxing - but I have so many memories I never would have had if I hadn't been her caretaker.
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Post by CarolT on Apr 17, 2016 23:19:55 GMT
My dad passed away in 2013 - he never had any plans to move in with us, but I was thinking about broaching that subject with him just before he passed. I was spending more and more time at his house and it was evident he needed me to be more available to him. My mom, on the other hand, (my parents divorced 40 years ago) is living with her "boyfriend" and they just moved out of state. She sends me pictures of their kayaking and hiking trips
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Post by christine58 on Apr 17, 2016 23:20:14 GMT
Nope...they live right next door to me (I built a home on family land as did three cousins!).
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Post by KikiPea on Apr 17, 2016 23:20:48 GMT
My mom would probably like to think so, but we don't have the room, and would have to move in order to accommodate them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 8:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 23:22:19 GMT
No.
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Post by quinlove on Apr 17, 2016 23:23:59 GMT
I live by myself in a small house right now. I'm 65 and work part time. My plan is to stay here as long as possible. Both of my dd live 30 / 40 miles away with small kiddos still. My ds has a huge house in Mass, but I'm hoping to stay here until the point comes that I really don't care whose house I'm at. ha
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 8:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 23:25:47 GMT
If they need to? My parents do not have any long term care insurance. My mom has repeatedly said she doesn't want to ever be put in a state nursing home. I LOVE my parents and would do anything to help them but I don't know about ever having to take on a role of full-time caregiver They should have figured out where they would go, it is really not your problem.
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Post by verdepea on Apr 17, 2016 23:27:47 GMT
My parents are 73 and live with me for the winter. They are helpful with the kids and dinner is fixed for us pretty each week night. My mom and I have strong personalities and have to working through things some times.
It works until it doesn't work and I have a house big enough to give each other space.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Apr 17, 2016 23:28:42 GMT
I wish. My mom is gone now, but she was only 17 years older then me so we probably would of been in the same nursing home.
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Post by myboysnme on Apr 17, 2016 23:28:46 GMT
The only parent left for us is my mom and if she wanted to live with me I would but she has financial resources and right now my brother lives with her and helps her out.
We will really try not to do a nursing home until the bitter end if possible. We'll see. She's 81 now and still going strong.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 8:34:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 23:30:38 GMT
If I sound harsh:
My parents decided that I would be their ( and who ever in the family) caretaker. I wanted to go to med school, but went to nursing school because that is what they wanted. It was part of their plan.
I moved out.
My mother screamed at me it was my fault that my father died because I wasn't there to take care if him.
No you do not need to be their caretaker.
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Post by shaniam on Apr 17, 2016 23:36:51 GMT
I'm. Not sure what is going to happen with my mom. She snarkily say we are going to stick her in a nursing home. My brother is useless and does nothing to help her out now. We live 1000 miles away from them. She is a difficult person to get along with and has never treated me like an intelligent adult. I'd hate to see her have to be in a nursing home but she is not living with me for the sake of my sanity. My dad is still married and they take turns taking care of each other. I would actually not mind my mother in law living with us.
I really don't want to be put in that position though.
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Post by tenacious on Apr 17, 2016 23:43:29 GMT
My dad has been gone 4 years. He was as healthy as a horse at 73, and was not planning to die (heart attack). My mom Has lived with us on and off since then. She had her own house down the street from me for a year and a half, but, she is selling it this month and moving back in with us. Not sure where it will go from here...she has a slow growing cancer but her health is pretty stable right now. This was not really the plan...but, here we are. I actually like having my mom with us and even though she has long term care insurance, I plan on taking care of her as much as I can as she gets older. Whether she lives with us, or not.
Erin
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Apr 18, 2016 0:09:16 GMT
My parents never would have asked because they felt asking your kids to take on that burden was selfish. I would have never ever taken my father in. My mother I might have felt more of an obligation to do so, but unfortunately we could not live in the same house for a week without major fireworks caused by her behavior plus she drove my dh absolutely crazy with her behavior towards me. They both died fairly young, so it's a moot point.
My ILs were definitely assuming that. They verbalized it when they were still in their 40s. Luckily. Because verbalizing that expectation resulted in all of their kids making it clear that it would not be happening. (You can't treat your chilldren or your children's spouses like shit ant think they are going to wipe your butt some day.) My MIL died at age 65 and after she died, my FIL got LTC insurance.
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Post by Merge on Apr 18, 2016 0:10:30 GMT
I'm pretty sure MIL thinks she will live with us someday. It's possible, but if she does, there will be a full time nurse/caregiver involved. I know my limitations, and no way can I provide physical care for a woman seven inches taller than me.
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Post by Linda on Apr 18, 2016 0:19:18 GMT
My mother will be 80 this year - she's still very healthy (no meds) and lives independently. She says she'll leave her house feet first (ie dead) or not at all. That said, if she needed to move in, we would make it work but it would be difficult.
My MIL is 81 - she was supposed to move in early in March when she was released from rehab but a couple of days before she ended up in the hospital with kidney failure and was released to a hospice facility. She ended up recovering from the kidney failure (which was amazing since her doctors had given her 3-5 DAYS left) and was released from hospice to a (different) rehab facility last week. When she's released from there, she'll go home with my niece who is a nurse until she's strong enough to live with us.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,789
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Apr 18, 2016 0:20:14 GMT
My parents are building a new house (they're 67 & 65) with 2 different "wings". On one side of the house is a master suite, kitchen and living room and all that are in the middle, and on the far end is another master suite and 3 spare bedrooms. There are 4 of us kids. No one lives at home and no one is planning on moving home so not sure why so many spare rooms. Anyway, the extra master suite is for them to take in a caregiver if it ever comes to it. Neither wants to "be a burden" to us kids and they have a sweet set up for long term care if needed.
My FIL and his wife would probably move here if we offered. We're NOT offering. The wife has a DD in so cal who will most likely take them in.
My MIL and her DH would move in here if we asked. Again, NOT asking. They don't have any money but will go to long term care paid for by Medicare or whatever.
I am NOT a caring person and don't deal with my daily routine being interrupted. I will still be working when care would be needed. AND we have 2 littles (4 years and 1 month) to take care of. Don't want to add parents to that one!
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,788
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 18, 2016 0:21:23 GMT
I was absolutely positive my mother would never in a million years live with me. Until about two weeks ago. She is currently out of state visiting relatives but will come back next weekend and move in with us. My mom is mentally ill and I have had to have very strong boundaries with her for several years. Her mental illness was compounded by a traumatic brain injury 10 years ago and her health has taken a serious decline in the past 12 months. Starting about two months ago she is falling a lot and having increased seizures. She has no longterm care plan and lives on Social Security with no savings. I could say no and she'd have to go to the cheapest nursing home she could find. But I couldn't live with that. And apparently my sisters are going to do nothing to help so...welcome roomie! It's not a position I want to be in . It's something I have said repeatedly I would never do. But here we are and she needs help. I could not turn away a family member who *needs* help. I would take my dad in a heartbeat and be incredibly honored to do so. We'd have a great time! I would discuss having my MIL out of respect for my husband but it would be incredibly difficult for me.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,016
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 18, 2016 0:24:28 GMT
When my dad died, we had to take my mom in. She couldn't afford the rent on her own. We did not have the room, but my wonderful husband said we would make the best out of it. She lived with us for 3 years. When my husband's job offered to relocate us, we thought long and hard before deciding a move would be best for our kids. At first we planned on taking my mom with us. But we eventually came to the decision that it would not be good for her. She stayed behind and moved in to a senior apartment building. Not a single one of my siblings has ever offered to take her in. Don't count on siblings to help out.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Apr 18, 2016 0:25:03 GMT
I am so sorry that many of you feel that you are not given a real voice in a decision(s) that will greatly impact your life.
I feel that I am responsible for my retirement and not my child & their family. This includes saving money, keeping my stuff in order and make responsible decisions as to my living situation and my health.
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Post by ntsf on Apr 18, 2016 0:31:11 GMT
my dad lives alone, is super active and athletic and is 89. bought a condo when he retired and has long term care insurance. plans to stay there as long as possible. my fil just died a few months ago..lived at home and got alone fine. my mil is now living alone at 89, goes swimming every morning. and has no plans to move. so no parents moving in..both have sufficient funds.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Apr 18, 2016 0:33:00 GMT
My mother? No. Someone wouldn't make it out sane or whole. We can spend about 3-4 days together- max.
My MIL currently lives between her three children, with most of the time spent with her daughter. She spends a few weeks every three or four months with us and it's lovely. She's a great addition for our household. We'd love to have her here more, but our 2br/1ba home just can't hold all of us and four cats for longer than that.
ETA- my MIL is horrified that I don't plan to move my father down near us when the time comes. He lives 2 hours from nowhere in the middle of nowhere and refuses to ever come to Southern California again. I don't really speak to him anyway- his choice.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 18, 2016 0:33:37 GMT
No, I'll be my son's and possibly my daughter's full time caregiver for as long as possible. I have 4 other siblings. I know my mom doesn't want to go to one of those places, but she's not terrified of them either. I don't know what will happen.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 18, 2016 0:42:10 GMT
Both of my parents died before I was 35. My MIL just passed away on Christmas Day. At one time my husband said she would live with us if something happened, and I asked him who would bathe her and take her to the bathroom. She was not at all fond of me and in the 33 years I knew her, she barely tolerated me and treated my husband like the only one in the world. In the end, she had a stroke and needed more care than any of her kids could rightfully give her. She did move to her daughter's for a week or two when hospice said she had a few days remaining. Just that short time of full time care was exhausting to her daughter, but she was happy to do it for her mother. I really don't plan on living with either of my boys (if at all possible). My grandma lived with us for more than ten years shortly after I was born. I did see how hard it was for people to accommodate someone who was physically handicapped and suffering from arthritis. God bless my mom for doing that, but it truly did shake the dynamics of the house and my father spent much of that time out of town for business to escape some of it.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,029
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Apr 18, 2016 0:54:11 GMT
My dad- no, we don't talk My mom- she wouldn't ask, if she needed to, my brother, sister, or I would do it or share the obligation
FIL/mIL/ if it was just FIL I would consider sharing the obligation (dh also has 4 sisters). Mil- no. I couldn't handle it.
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