Do your parents plan on living with you when they are older

Hell no.

Seriously - one of us would not survive if my Mother came to live with us. She just moved to our little town after getting out of a verbally absusive second marriage. She's doing great! But every day DH comes home from work "did your Mom call" and the answer is usually "nope, she just popped in"

I love my Mom, but we would seriously kill each other if we were together 24-7 (it was the same when I lived at home before I married)

She has no plans to move in with either my brother or myself. She plans to be on her own as long as possible. We joke that we have a nice nursing home all picked out for her. Here in Canada they don't seem as bad as the stories I hear from some of the US ones. Mom worked as a hairdresser in a nursing home for years, so she's quite fine with the having to go to one someday.

DH's parents? Not sure. They currently live on their own in a small trailer park 15 minutes from us. FIL is a double leg amputee (has prosthetics and walks with just a cane) and I don't know if he'll see 80 with his deteriorating health. MIL has issues too. DH has 2 siblings - one who inherited his Dad's vein disorder and is on the path to amputation himself, so they can't go there. DH's sister lives up here as well, and I know between the two of them we'd figure something out. But they don't have actual plans to move in with either of us.

Well it wasn't planned but my dad now basically lives with us.  After my mom died last July he just couldn't bring himself to stay at his house, especially at night.  His place is only a few miles from me so he goes over there during the day but comes back here for dinner and to spend the night.  

When we we built this house we figured that it might happen so along with a study/office on the first floor I also had the 1/2 bath converted to a full bath just in case.  If he were to become a full time resident and could no longer do the stairs we can move the office upstairs and give him the first floor room.  

Have you checked the monthly cost?  I have no problem with the idea of going to an assisted living/nursing home. Being able to afford it is a whole different story.  You can do all you can to remain healthy but still be hit by a disease that leaves you unable to fully care for yourself.

All of you stay at home moms and women who work non career jobs with no retirement, what will YOU do if your spouse dies before they retire, divorces you later in life, or decides to drop his life insurance because you don't deserve it.  You have no savings in your own name that can sustain a monthly payout of $3000 or more dollars a month.  Reality is an assisted living will cost more than I make now while I am working, much less be sustainable on a retirement income (and yes, I intend to remain independent for as long as I can. But having a living grandparent who is 95 I am also aware that life may go on beyond my means to support myself even in a modest way)  Medicare/medicade may not cover all your living costs and not all homes will accept them as the payer.

On our 25th anniversary I thought we had a solid marriage. Our old age plan was his military pension, school teaching pension and a life insurance policy in case I out lived him and his pensions stopped. But, by our 26th anniversary he had chosen divorce.  While I do currently get 49% of his military pension it stops on his death; he engages in a lot of risky behaviors, each month could be the last. I am no longer the beneficiary of his life insurance.  Starting my own career in late life means I will have a dimishied amount of my own investments but they won't be enough to assume I can live in a retirement community or assisted living for as long as I may need.  So, yes, my daughter and I have talked about the possibility of me moving very close and needing help in my retirement years.  Selfish or not, it is reality. 

All of you women who have stayed home and invested your life in your children, how are you going to keep from being selfish and not needing their help in your elderly years?  Keep in mind, divorces after 25-40 years of marriage are all too common.  You can't assume you'll have your spouses support.

Reading this board lets us know voltagain experience is not rare. I know we've struggled after the 20 year mark and so have many friends.
Those of us with investment plans, not pensions, should still understand what happens in case the situation changes. Employed, or not.
Good advice, voltagain .

We joke that we are going to buy and refurbish one of those old school 'motor courts' and just have all the olds move in. That way, every one is all in one place, everyone gets a little privacy and both parents and inlaws can be included. Kind of like our own private little care facility without having to be in one.

(I have one son that is more ... accommodating? than the other and he joking agrees as he says he will likely end up with me, his dad and whatever inlaws he ends up with. Personally, I have nightmares that he is right and my doddering end years will end up having to deal with my ex-husband on a daily basis. )

My sister was a SAHM. Part of their financial planning was making sure that both spouses were taken care of well into retirement. I had assumed that was a normal part financial planning of being a married couple.

grinningcat for some of us it is. For others it's not and a little PSA never hurts. We contributed to a SEP IRA for me during my true SAHM years, but sometimes that's not feasible. It was among the first thing we'd stop when funds were tight. I've met women who didn't know that was possible.

I was raised to have a career in a male dominated field, be smart in school, support myself and be independent, etc. But my parents dropped the ball teaching me some practicalities like insurance and investments. I'm 56, and have a few friends same age like that too. We had to tackle it when we realized it was missing.

Hopefully younger women get the full package of life skills!

For anyone who says without hesitation, "Oh yes! They could live with me!" It isn't always that simple even if you have the physical room for them. We got *lucky* (if you want to call it that) with our situation in that my brother that lived with mom was continuously laid off from his full time job in the building trades from 2008 until after she died, and he was able to be home with our mom 24/7/365. Had that not been the situation, not one of the rest of us would have been able to do it with minor children at home to care for or full time jobs they needed the paychecks from to survive, etc.

As it was, we decided as a family to basically subsidize my brother's existance because doing so kept mom out of a nursing home, but that was just meeting his most basic needs. He went for years without having anything to put into his own savings or retirement, contribute to Social Security on his own behalf, etc. and that really wasn't fair.

In the end, she had to move to a nursing home anyway because 24 hour a day care at home grinds a caregiver down to nothing in very short order (hugs, lainey!) and things like helping an aging parent with incontinence, hygiene, wandering or getting up repeatedly at night so the caregiver ends up half sleeping with one eye open night after night, etc. can be difficult pieces of the puzzle. I felt so bad for my brother having all of that dumped on him, but there really wasn't much more that I could do to help since I had a bunch of the other stuff for her care to take care of. By the time we moved my mom to the nursing home, my brother was like the walking dead. I think once that burden was off of him, he slept day and night for the better part of two weeks because the poor guy was just exhausted right to the core.

The prevalence of dementia and Alzheimer's is a game changer. My mom was diagnosed at 72 and lived until she was almost 84. That's twelve years. Once the person needs round the clock care there has to be a better plan in place because the caregiver who is getting up with them all night long can't be the same person that keeps them from wandering during the day. If they can't be left home alone, what do you do if you can't afford to quit your job? What do you do if you get fired because you can't function during the day because you can't sleep at night?

Adult daycare is also very expensive (my friend pays roughly $2600 a month to have her mom go to one just so she can go to work), and an in-home PCA is even more expensive than that. People are living decades longer now, and more women are in the workforce because they have to be, so what used to work in the past with eldercare no longer really does. Families need to think through what they will do if this becomes their reality, and the sooner they do it the better.

Big, big hugs to everyone who is dealing with this now or soon. It is so hard.  And if you know someone who is living in that situation, it's nice to try to do something, anything to help ease that burden just a little. Even something as small as showing up with a cooked meal and some adult conversation for a few hours can be a huge blessing. I know for our friend (and her mom) that we visit with one night a week, our family showing up regularly is like her life raft that helps her get through. It's sad when so very little means so very much.

There is a 10 year age difference between my parents. My dad passed away last year at age 78. My mom was living 13 hours away with no family in the immediate area. She sold her house and had an estate sale and moved in with us. She's only 68 and still quite capable of taking care of herself. It has definitely changed the dynamics of our family but most of it has been very positive. She brings a calmness and peace to our home.

No. Both my parents and in-laws have made sure they have finances/insurances in place to provide care for themselves. We'll advocate for them, visit them, love them and help however is needed, but neither wants to move in with us or any of our siblings.

My parents are financially able to live by themselves, but if it came down to it, where they were not able to care for themselves or needed help getting around, then yes, they could come live with us. I would hate to see them in assisted living or a nursing home. As long as we are able to physically care for them, they are welcomed. That goes for the in-laws too.

My parents bought a house with us 6.5 years ago, one that is big enough for dh & I, our children & them. At the time they were in good health (aged 78 & 82) & completely independent but they have both declined considerably since then. At times I do major caregiving, at other times I just cook for them.

It was a good decision as they were nearly an hour away - far enough for it to be a burden, but close enough that you'd feel you "had" to go & check on them. My sister is 18 years older than me (she's now 60, I'm 42) but she had moved away & wasn't close to them at the time (she goes through phases).

For all the times they've been ill it has definitely been the right decision, especially when one of them has been in the hospital (for example, the other is automatically taken care of). They are ageing before my very eyes though which is hard to watch & the last year or so has been the hardest so far - as they get more needy they are almost resentful of being needy & so do some stupid things (refusing to follow medical advice for example), there's also been some real "woe is me" stuff from my mum (who, until now has been the most positive person ever) I can understand why but it is wearing. My mum in particular is also very desperate for attention/company which I can also understand but when they are in your home it gets difficult to get any space. My job has become much more demanding (accidentally!) & I would like to have some peace at home occasionally but it feels like she's always checking up on me or "in my face". Sometimes I can't even get in the door before she's started talking at me. Sometimes I feel like a teenager myself as I hide in my room! In the holidays (I'm a teacher) we HAVE to make plans to get away for a few days or I go a bit crazy. They never go away anymore.

We are hoping to do some remodelling on their bathroom & I have told my sister they will have to go & stay at her house while we do it (she will probably be out of the country). I am ridiculously excited at the prospect of them going away for a week or so.

It's not just me either, my teens & dh are feeling the same things. I know it sounds like I'm being unreasonable & I'm not a very nice person but until you've lived it...

All that to say that I still think it was the right decision & I'm glad we did it, I just hope it doesn't end up ruining our relationship.

FYI, you can purchase long term care insurance for your parents. They do need to cooperate and be part of the process with the physical etc - but if they're unable to pay and you would like the peace of mind, it is an option. My FIL lived with us for the last year of his terminal illness - off and on. My MIL was the primary care giver, and really only needed substantial help at the very end. She ended up staying with us for an additional 6 months until she was mentally ready to live on her own. I would have no issue with either her or my parents living with us (although my father insists he will never live any where but his own home - we'll see how that works out for him). We do have the room - and ability to bring in outside resources to help with the day to day care. We unfortunately saw Alzheimer's up close and personal with another family member, so realize that there may be circumstances which would preclude us from keeping them in our home, no matter everyone's intentions.

And TBH, I really don't see it as a burden. My parents have been there for me every moment of my life - no matter what I needed. They pulled money out of my father's retirement account to pay for my college (which I didn't realize at the time and would have never advised them to do). I know I'm incredibly lucky to have had a wonderful relationship with my parents - and others are not so lucky. But for me, I would be utterly devastated for them to think that they are not welcome in my home in their later years and they would be a burden. They're my family.