Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 14:18:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 22:59:34 GMT
It's been pretty quiet since he won't return my mesages on FB or my emails. He still doesn't have a phone so my only way to talk to him are FB or email. GF won't return my texts so that option of contacting him is out also. But every week I send him a FB message saying we are thinking of you, hope your doing well...that sort of thing. No replies. This week my message said "can you at least let me know your alive" and I got this reply: Yes I'm fine. You dont have to worry about me. Everything here is fine. D and I have an apartment together now so were doing alright and making it work.
He wont tell me where they are living. I asked why and he said he doesn't want me to come over there. I asked ever? and he said yes...he doesn't need us. I asked him if he wants me to keep messaging him on FB and he said no. For whatever reason he feel he doesnt need us in his life so I don't know what to do at this point. Keep messaging him? Give him the space he has requested? I'm at a loss. Still not sure how they got an apartment (and internet) with his 30 hr min wage job. I'm wondering if he is lying but I don't know. All I know is I really feel like I have lost my oldest son forever.
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Post by its me mg on Aug 1, 2014 23:00:52 GMT
Don't give up on him. I'm sure that even if he won't admit it he likes hearing from you.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 14:18:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 23:05:59 GMT
I'm sorry. It must be horribly difficult.
He will come back. You can be sure of it. When things don't work out with the girlfriend, he'll be back.
If it were me, I would send him another message and tell him that you will respect his space, but you would request that he leave the option open so that if you need to contact him in an emergency, you can. And ask him to please let you know that he's okay and not in need of anything once a month.
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Post by meridon on Aug 1, 2014 23:08:41 GMT
Maybe just give him some space, although it's hard to give much more than you have been given that you know so little about the situation....I know it's hard but I had a really rough senior with my parents and didn't speak to them for months after I moved out but I finally came around. I know this is so painful for you..hugs and prayers! Keep reaching out every once in a while, even if he doesn't acknowledge it would be my only advice I can give.
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Post by 1lear on Aug 1, 2014 23:08:59 GMT
This must be so hard for you. Just keep loving him, even if you don't see or speak to him. I hope it works out.
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Post by lovemybabes on Aug 1, 2014 23:10:31 GMT
Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I had hoped things were getting better. Maybe he is just going through something? I don't know what to say. ((hugs)) I hope it gets worked out soon.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 1, 2014 23:14:34 GMT
Give him his space. He'll come around. I'd message him again in a couple weeks/month just to remind him that you are thinking of him and wishing him well. He doesn't have to respond, that's on him. But at least he can't say you never tried.
I have a teen dd that makes me shake my head sometimes. Bright, attractive, smart...but really "boy stupid". *sigh*
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 1, 2014 23:14:39 GMT
You haven't lost him forever. Right now he thinks he doesn't need anyone, he will feel different someday. Give him some space, but do, let him know he always part of your life. Right now I feel he is testing if you love him unconditionally, no matter what. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 1, 2014 23:15:12 GMT
You haven't lost him forever. Right now he thinks he doesn't need anyone, he will feel different someday. Give him some space, but do, let him know he always part of your life. Right now I feel he is testing if you love him unconditionally, no matter what. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Aug 1, 2014 23:15:27 GMT
He's young and he'll eventually come around. I think right now you need to just give him space. I'd ask him to check in once a month so that you know he's okay. Other than that wait for him to reach out to you.
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 1, 2014 23:16:37 GMT
Please don't give up on him. He's your son even if he's behaving as if he doesn't need you. Trust me when I say that in a couple of years he will look back on his behavior and regret it. I speak from experience. Continue to send messages of love- "Hi! I hope you're doing well! Saturday we're going to Jim Bob's for a cookout. I'm making potato salad. Aunt Bea is making her famous chocolate cake. We'd love to see you there!! Tuesday Dad slammed his finger in the car door and had to go to the ER. Not fun! Your brother has a baseball game on Tuesday. I'll put a couple of extra chairs in the back of the car in case you stop by to watch with us. The door is always open! We'll never break your plate. XO Love you!!"
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Post by withapea on Aug 1, 2014 23:17:43 GMT
I'm sorry, I can only imagine. I'm pretty sure he'll come around but it doesn't make it hurt any less or the worry go away.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 1, 2014 23:19:29 GMT
... so I don't know what to do at this point. Keep messaging him? Give him the space he has requested? I'm at a loss. Gosh, I am sorry. It must be hard going though this but I think he is wanting space so I would give him some space. You mentioned you were messaging him weekly. Maybe back off a little and message him on FB monthly. Since he doesn't have a phone, he may not get to check FB often. I know it must be difficult but I think you are handling things really well - letting him know you care but not smothering him, which is good, even if he can't see it. (( HUGS ))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:18:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 23:22:46 GMT
You haven't lost him forever. Right now he thinks he doesn't need anyone, he will feel different someday. Give him some space, but do, let him know he always part of your life. Right now I feel he is testing if you love him unconditionally, no matter what. I agree. I also agree with the other advice to ask him to check in every month or so. I'd probably also ask him how to contact him in case of emergency. I'm sorry he's putting you through this, but I wouldn't give up. Just give him some space for now. I'll be sending good thoughts I've BTDT with a somewhat similar situation (DD came around, btw!)
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 1, 2014 23:27:25 GMT
I'm so sorry. Part of me wants to race over there and give him a kick up the backside. I agree with the others. Give him some space but still send him messages every so often. Let him know he's always loved and welcome. I do feel positive that he will come back to you one day. That wonderful stuff he wrote in that essay? It's still all true, and he just needs to remember that. (((Hugs)))
Does he have any contact with his brother?
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Post by kristalina on Aug 1, 2014 23:29:17 GMT
omg, I'm so sorry. How gut-wrenching. It will be hard to wait it out, but just don't turn your back. Let him know you're always there. My younger (19) is very independent and knows everything. I just have to give her a lot of space. I know she'll grow up eventually and I'm sure your son will too.
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krbeah
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Jun 25, 2014 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by krbeah on Aug 1, 2014 23:29:29 GMT
It's already been said a few times but it important enough to be repeated... Don't give up on him. That is your child whom you will love forever, no matter what situation they are in. Give him a little space but I would continue to message him at least once a month to keep that connection open whether he answers or not.
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Post by jenn on Aug 1, 2014 23:30:22 GMT
I am so sorry.
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Aug 1, 2014 23:32:28 GMT
Please don't give up on him. He's your son even if he's behaving as if he doesn't need you. Trust me when I say that in a couple of years he will look back on his behavior and regret it. I speak from experience. Continue to send messages of love- "Hi! I hope you're doing well! Saturday we're going to Jim Bob's for a cookout. I'm making potato salad. Aunt Bea is making her famous chocolate cake. We'd love to see you there!! Tuesday Dad slammed his finger in the car door and had to go to the ER. Not fun! Your brother has a baseball game on Tuesday. I'll put a couple of extra chairs in the back of the car in case you stop by to watch with us. The door is always open! We'll never break your plate. XO Love you!!" I don't speak from experience but to me this ^^ seems the loving, motherly way to proceed. I can't imagine the hurt you must be experiencing. Hugs and prayers for you and your son.
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SuPeaNatural
Full Member
AUSTRALIA
Posts: 424
Jun 27, 2014 8:49:11 GMT
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Post by SuPeaNatural on Aug 1, 2014 23:32:34 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As the mother of boys I can imagine how hard this is on you.
I agree with Burning Feather, I'm sure he will come back one day even though it may be a way down the track. And I'd send him the same message - you will give him the space he wants, but to please let you know if there's ever an emergency he needs help with.
The only thing I'd do different from BF is I wouldn't ask him to contact me monthly. While I understand that need from a mothers point of view, asking that from him when he wants no contact at all might make him even more determined to stay away. I'd tell him the door is always open to him and that you'd love to hear from him whenever he's ready. Then I'd stop the contact until then, unless something happened with any of you that he really needs to know about, like illness\accident (heaven forbid).
Sometimes kids need to get exactly what they ask for, to make them eventually appreciate what they've lost.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Aug 1, 2014 23:35:02 GMT
I'm sorry. I think maybe giving him some space for a while isn't a bad idea. I'd send him messages periodically saying that you love him and then let him do his thing his own way for a while. He'll come back. I feel for you. I have a bit of a wayward 19 year-old DS too.
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linda~lou
Pearl Clutcher
Keep calm and eat crumpets
Posts: 2,744
Location: Motown but my heart is in San Francisco
Jun 25, 2014 21:57:08 GMT
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Post by linda~lou on Aug 1, 2014 23:40:53 GMT
I agree with everyone. Don't give up, however give him his space. He will come around. Maybe not for a few years. It sounds like a long time, but he needs to grow up. I think about my boys when they were in their late teens, early 20's. They never completely shut me out but were busy with their own lives and didn't need me.
Now they are in their 40's and have grown to be fine men and we are very, very close. I know you don't want to hear wait til he's 40, but I'm sure there will be a time, sooner than later, that he matures and realizes that you're the only mom he will ever have and you always stood by him. As he gets older, he won't forget how you were always there for him.
Gentle hugs, I know how hard it must be.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 14:18:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 23:46:55 GMT
Does he have any contact with his brother? No and I think that's making it even harder because his little brother is missing him badly. He never posts on FB but last week he posted "I'm really miss my brother". It killed me reading it.
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Post by Linda on Aug 1, 2014 23:48:54 GMT
((((Hugs)))) and prayers
I like Sabrina's advise to just occasionally check in with loving messages - less a 'checking in/checking up' and more a we still love you and the door's open
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 1, 2014 23:50:59 GMT
I don't know the back story of this, but it breaks my heart imagining if it was my own son I would continue with a message telling him how much you love him and that you will be there through fb for him and touch base as often as you can, without pushing him away.
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Aug 1, 2014 23:52:35 GMT
Please don't despair. Our daughter dropped out of college to move in with a young man we "affectionately" called Son of Satan, a high school dropout and drug dealer. He manipulated her to believe everything he told her. We thought we had lost her. That was nine years ago. SofS is long gone. Believe it or not, our daughter went back to college, graduated on the Dean's List, and is waiting to hear if she's been accepted into medical school. She still values her independence, but she comes to every family celebration and calls us regularly. She even asked me to edit her med school application essays. Please don't give up on him. He's your son even if he's behaving as if he doesn't need you. Trust me when I say that in a couple of years he will look back on his behavior and regret it. I speak from experience. Continue to send messages of love- "Hi! I hope you're doing well! Saturday we're going to Jim Bob's for a cookout. I'm making potato salad. Aunt Bea is making her famous chocolate cake. We'd love to see you there!! Tuesday Dad slammed his finger in the car door and had to go to the ER. Not fun! Your brother has a baseball game on Tuesday. I'll put a couple of extra chairs in the back of the car in case you stop by to watch with us. The door is always open! We'll never break your plate. XO Love you!!" This. Sabrina nailed it. No guilt, just love and breezy news and open invitations. Try not to faint when he actually shows up one day.
You're a good mom!
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Post by donna on Aug 1, 2014 23:57:35 GMT
I just want to give you a great big hug. I hope he will come around soon.
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Post by megop on Aug 2, 2014 0:00:44 GMT
This. Sabrina nailed it. No guilt, just love and breezy news and open invitations. Try not to faint when he actually shows up one day. You're a good mom! ---------------- Yup. Seen it happen over and over and over again within families. He wants control over his life, I'd give it to him and all that goes with it, with loving messages while not enabling...because...well...he doesn't need you. But, he will. Didn't we all when we became newly independent?
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 2, 2014 0:02:03 GMT
I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 14:18:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 0:03:44 GMT
I agree with the others. Love him but give him his space. Maybe let him know what events are planned each month, tell him he's welcome to come.
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