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Post by wholarmor on Aug 2, 2014 7:17:49 GMT
I'm so sorry. (((Hugs))) Nothing really left to say, but I agree with what they all said.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 2, 2014 9:23:14 GMT
(((hugs)))
Stay strong, mama. He will come around when he matures.
I would throw him a FB message every now and then, just to let him know you are thinking of him, that you love him and miss him, and that he's always welcome back, day or night.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:23:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 9:48:51 GMT
Please don't give up on him. He's your son even if he's behaving as if he doesn't need you. Trust me when I say that in a couple of years he will look back on his behavior and regret it. I speak from experience. Continue to send messages of love- "Hi! I hope you're doing well! Saturday we're going to Jim Bob's for a cookout. I'm making potato salad. Aunt Bea is making her famous chocolate cake. We'd love to see you there!! Tuesday Dad slammed his finger in the car door and had to go to the ER. Not fun! Your brother has a baseball game on Tuesday. I'll put a couple of extra chairs in the back of the car in case you stop by to watch with us. The door is always open! We'll never break your plate. XO Love you!!" ^^^^^ditto what Sabrina said I'm so sorry,it must be heartbreaking for you and your family. He'll be back in his own time I'm sure of it.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 2, 2014 11:49:50 GMT
ITA with everyone else - keep sending your messages of love.
He'll come around.
In the meantime, I'm sorry you're suffering. I can only imagine your pain.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 2, 2014 11:53:05 GMT
((((Hugs)))) and prayers I like Sabrina's advise to just occasionally check in with loving messages - less a 'checking in/checking up' and more a we still love you and the door's open I agree. I'm so sorry! I know you were hopeful things would get better after graduation.
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kelkel
Junior Member
Posts: 77
Jul 10, 2014 16:31:30 GMT
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Post by kelkel on Aug 2, 2014 12:19:04 GMT
I know you would never give up on him, so I just want to say hang in there!! 2 of my brothers and 1 sister were the exact same way....I saw what it did to my parents and it was heartbreaking. (we're all in our 40s now and they regret their behavior to this day!) You're doing the right thing....keep sending messages of love without guilt. You'll be surprised at the turn around he makes one day. He DOES need you and WANTS your love, he's just being a pain in the ass kid right now.
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Post by phoenixcov on Aug 2, 2014 12:39:48 GMT
I haven`t any advice to add to what has already been said, but just wanted to say how sorry I feel for you and your family.
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suzette
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Jun 26, 2014 23:35:03 GMT
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Post by suzette on Aug 2, 2014 12:40:47 GMT
I just want to say I am sorry, I have an only son who is the world to me and I would be devastated if this happened just as you are. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.......
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Post by ingrid6 on Aug 2, 2014 12:50:31 GMT
No advice to add to what's already been said but wanted to say I'm so sorry. (Hugs)
ETA- I can only imagine how painful this whole situation must be for your younger son. It would be hard to understand why, if his issues are with mom and dad, would he cut him out of his life too. I would reassure him that his brothers actions have nothing to do with him.
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Post by grate on Aug 2, 2014 12:52:00 GMT
I like that idea of the messages being more of an update on the family with a loving quick message to let him know you are always there. "we won't break you plate", love it, never heard it before. My friend had the same issue but with a daughter, now the daughter is 21,it has not been easy but she is completely living on her own and has a nice relationship with her mom and actually calls HER for a dinner date here and there. She is showing up for family events and takes her younger sister out to spend time together. hugs as you are working your way through this
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lambchop
Junior Member
Posts: 83
Jul 7, 2014 18:50:47 GMT
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Post by lambchop on Aug 2, 2014 12:57:37 GMT
Another with no advice, but offering up positive thoughts for you and your family! I am so sorry you are going through this!
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Aug 2, 2014 13:15:11 GMT
Good luck! Even though he won't admit it, I'm sure on some level he likes knowing you care to reach out.
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Post by Yoki on Aug 2, 2014 13:44:28 GMT
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I really like Sabrina's approach. I wouldn't ask him to respond, but I would keep sending messages to keep him in the family loop with an open invitation. What he chooses to do with that is his decision, but at least by staying in contact you're giving him a choice to make.
Hugs to you.
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~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
Posts: 3,259
Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Aug 2, 2014 13:50:37 GMT
(((HUGS)))
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Post by mom2jnk on Aug 2, 2014 14:02:33 GMT
Hugs to you all.
Thank you for your update. You are doing the right thing. Keep telling him you love him and wish him well. My gut says that he needs that now more than ever!
We will keep praying for you!
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 2, 2014 14:05:44 GMT
He'll come round eventually. Sounds like the current girlfriend might be yanking his chain.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:23:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 21:09:27 GMT
So this morning we took out our boat and had to stop at Walmart before we headed out. The Sonic DS works at in the same parking lot and so we figured we wouldn't be working that early so we would grab breakfast. We were wrong...and he was there.
I was happy to see him and when he came out with our food I said "Hi - It's nice to see you." DS [HASH]2 was right next to me and DS [HASH]1 didn't say a word to him. I was furious! So was DH but he kept it in and didn't say anything. All DS [HASH]1 said to me was "don't you usually get an xlarge drink?". I gave him a big ol tip too (and he royally screwed up our order which we found hilarious and irritating).
When we got back in the car DS [HASH]2 was visually upset and said he couldn't believe he didn't even say him to him. We just got home and I sent DS [HASH]1 a message and said he can ignore us but he can't ignore his brother. All DS [HASH]2 wanted was a hello and maybe a "how are you?" out of him. I can't force him to want to be a part of our family but my gosh...ignoring his brother is just way too much.
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Post by miominmio on Aug 2, 2014 21:18:28 GMT
Oh my! Your poor son, that is such a cruel thing to do to a sibling.
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Post by flanz on Aug 2, 2014 21:24:07 GMT
I'm sorry your experience at Sonic was disappointing, to say the least. I hope you can find a way to have the brothers heal their relationship... it's traumatic and hard to imagine the depth of pain you, his parents are going through, but his younger brother... my heart goes out to all of you. ((((hugs))))
I wish I had some great advice you haven't already received. I am thinking family therapy to help you, your dh and younger son would be very beneficial if you can find the right therapist.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:23:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 21:41:02 GMT
Yes, he CAN ignore his little brother and he WILL just to prove he can. I understand where you are coming from as a mom. But I understand where he is coming from too. He has has set boundaries in y'alls relationship. He asked you to not contact him and leave him alone. But you have NO respect for boundaries he has the right to set. If you want a relationship in the future you have to give him the space he has asked for now. The harder he has to fight you for the boundaries he has set the longer it will take for him to know he has it and can start to build a bridge back.
If you know he works some place don't go there. Period. Even though it was an accident you had to know if was possible and to him it comes off as being stalked/checked up on.
While you are furious know that he is equally furious with you. His job is now a place he has to worry about you popping in on him. Had you stayed away neither one of you would be furious. Don't be surprised if he quits his job and moves with no forwarding address.
STOP TEXTING HIM. As hard as it is abide by his wishes until he is ready to attempt to open the door to a relationship. As much as you want to make him the bad guy in this you aren't being all that helpful of a bad situation either. Give him a wide berth until he makes contact. So far you have indicated you have no respect for him. Treating him with no respect isn't going to cause him to respect you.
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 2, 2014 21:49:17 GMT
I wouldn't have scolded him if I were in your shoes. I would have done just the opposite. "We loved seeing you.today! I'm making lasagna and chocolate cake for dinner tonight if you want to come!" I would have loved up DS2 with a heart to heart. "Your brother knows what he's doing is hurting you and he treated you terribly as a defense mechanism. He loves you so much but please don't think this is about you, it's not." I'm so so sorry you're hurting..
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:23:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 22:13:40 GMT
You need to back off quickly. You are going to push him further away than he already is. Don't go to that sonic. Let him approach you when he is ready. I think an email once or twice a month is plenty. Give him the space he is begging you for.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 3, 2014 4:14:44 GMT
Coming from a daughter with an overbearing mom (not saying you are), give him the space he desires. Don't send him a message every week. If there's an event you'd like to see him at, let him know about it. Let him know there's an open invitation but do not repeat it. You may not be an overbearing mom, but he may feel you are one. I wish my mom would just leave me alone but she won't. The last time I told her to leave me alone, she posted all over FB how I'm selfish, she misses me, blah blah blah. I had so many of her friends calling me an awful person when all I wanted was her to stop prying and asking questions I had no interest in answering. So no guilt trips. Don't post how much you love him or miss him. He will read it the wrong way. Give him exactly what he wants - space. Just say "ok, I'm your Mom and I'll never stop worrying about you or loving you. The door is always open if you want to stop by or need help with something." And leave it at that. It'll take a while but as long as you don't do what my mom did, he'll come around again and you'll have a relationship again. I don't have much of one with mine because I still remember the passive aggressive guilt trip she laid out and aired it all for her friends to see. Please listen to dknitter, volt & scrappower. You really blew it today with the Sonic incident. You have got to back off, or you will lose him for good, and your younger son will, too. I've been there in two ways. One, I've got an overbearing mother. She doesn't have FB and wouldn't go quite so far as airing our dirty laundry to others, but the rest is pretty much the same. Two, I've been where your younger son is. By acting this way, YOU are the one putting him in the middle, because you're making it unsafe for your older ds to contact the younger one. Stay out of their relationship. Make sure both boys know that if they want a relationship, they can have one completely separate to you. If older ds is worried that you'll constantly put pressure on younger to give you info about him, he won't make contact with him. But if he knows you will stay out of their interactions, and don't, in fact, even need to be told they're in contact, he may try to connect with younger bro at some point. You really need to back off.
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Post by 0612 on Aug 3, 2014 4:22:28 GMT
Prayers, but never give up. Debbie
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Pamelou
Full Member
Posts: 237
Jun 30, 2014 22:25:19 GMT
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Post by Pamelou on Aug 3, 2014 4:34:25 GMT
Great big hugs for you. You've received lots of advice, so I'll just send positive vibes your way.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:23:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2014 4:35:40 GMT
I know it must be incredibly difficult and painful, but I agree with those who say you need to back off in a big way, and give him his space.
Prayers for your peace of mind, for your younger son and for the situation overall.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Aug 3, 2014 4:43:55 GMT
Great big hugs for you. You've received lots of advice, so I'll just send positive vibes your way. Me, too. Here's hoping a future update will bring better news.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 3, 2014 5:23:45 GMT
I admit I've probably missed a thread or two on this situation so take whatever I say with that in mind. I'm assuming that there isn't drugs or criminal behavior because you haven't mentioned it, so I've no reason to believe that he's toxic to your family in that way but I must say that he's being a selfish little shit. I've been in this situation as an observer and participant, as well as a victim. Frankly, at a certain point, that's what you all are, especially his little brother. I get letting him have space, but sometimes "he's just being a boy" or "he's that age" is just an excuse enabling someone to walk all over you. And giving in to the motherly compulsion of "call if you need anything" is just opening the door to be used. When someone slaps you and you turn the other cheek you're just giving them another cheek to slap. I get that you are desperate for any communication, but perhaps you need to move on through the stages of grief. Grieving the end of his childhood, the relationship that you had, accepting it will never be the same without serious work or maturation, getting angry at him for putting you all through this (especially his brother), is the only way you are going to heal and stop waiting for word. He doesn't think he needs your love or your support for whatever reason. He's blinded by love, hubris, or just plain stupidity. So many people wish for a loving family life and he is spitting on it or taking it for granted. He's creating doubt and feelings of "what did I do wrong" and "why wasn't I enough." Would you accept your husband or another man making you feel this way? Would you accept anyone making your youngest feel this way? As a family you need to sit and talk about how things are and will be, reassure your youngest that it's nothing that he did and that you will always love all of your children (I know it sounds like the divorce talk but that's essentially what it is). Find ways to fill the holes and doctor the wounds instead of letting them fester. My Mom would leave our bedrooms as shrines certain in the knowledge that we'd come back. For years I watched it happen: she'd bail them out and be so happy only for them to turn around and bail again once the money dried up. So prepare yourself to practice some tough love if he does come back and don't just lay down like a doormat because it's a terrible example for your other kid. Communication will be key, like how there are certain expectations if one is a member of a family. But he's closed the door on communication for you right now and you must accept that. Focus on the ones still in the house and try to heal. I'm not saying to write him off but you can't live your life waiting and you can't let this fester like an open sore. I know this is a nightmare but it is what it is and you must make the best of it. I can say from experience that it may be years or even decades before he returns to the fold. If/when he does, I hope things work out for the best, truly. I'm going with this one. I think he is being a manipulative shit and really crappy towards you!
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ingrid
Full Member
Posts: 490
Jun 26, 2014 0:52:41 GMT
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Post by ingrid on Aug 3, 2014 5:25:10 GMT
I'm so glad you updated. I was actually thinking about you a few days ago and wondering if anything had been posted since we moved to the new boards.
I agree with the other posters who said you should really stop messaging him. It's a nice idea, sending loving messages via Facebook, but he asked you to stop. I think he'll wind up blocking you if you don't respect his wishes. I know it's heartbreaking and difficult, but the more you text or message him, the angrier he's going to get. I would give him at least a month, probably more, before reaching out again.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 3, 2014 5:27:48 GMT
So this morning we took out our boat and had to stop at Walmart before we headed out. The Sonic DS works at in the same parking lot and so we figured we wouldn't be working that early so we would grab breakfast. We were wrong...and he was there. I was happy to see him and when he came out with our food I said "Hi - It's nice to see you." DS [HASH]2 was right next to me and DS [HASH]1 didn't say a word to him. I was furious! So was DH but he kept it in and didn't say anything. All DS [HASH]1 said to me was "don't you usually get an xlarge drink?". I gave him a big ol tip too (and he royally screwed up our order which we found hilarious and irritating). When we got back in the car DS [HASH]2 was visually upset and said he couldn't believe he didn't even say him to him. We just got home and I sent DS [HASH]1 a message and said he can ignore us but he can't ignore his brother. All DS [HASH]2 wanted was a hello and maybe a "how are you?" out of him. I can't force him to want to be a part of our family but my gosh...ignoring his brother is just way too much. While I get that he is your son and you want a relationship with him, why won't you just leave his space like he has asked? YOU put your you youngest son in that situation knowing the other has been as ass!!!
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