quick update about my wayward son...

I could have written this, except that I was 18 when I left home.  My mother was a stalkerish nutter who would turn up uninvited if she knew I would be somewhere.  Please, if you want to salvage your relationship, leave him alone.  I said earlier that I thought maybe the girlfriend was calling the shots. Now that I see you have turned up at his place of work, I'm not so sure.

She turned up at his place of work. No matter what her intentions, he is likely to have perceived it as, well, her tuning up at his place of work.

Yes, she has the right to go to a place where he works but let me tell you, from his perspective, she's stalking him. He wants space. He doesn't want to see her. For whatever reason, it includes the whole family. My mom has no respect for my privacy. As a result, she does not have a key to my house. She will not give me space. As a result, the actions many of you would see as loving and supportive, I see as stalking.

OP, stop thinking about your feelings and start respecting his. Yes, little brother's feelings were hurt. You should do your best to comfort him without scolding your other son. That guilt trip would land you on the blocked list.

I can sense the heartbreak, frustration and confusion in your post. I know you must feel bereft and also angry. I know I would. You're trying to protect your younger son while also maintaining a relationship with your older son.

I responded to you previously and mentioned that my SIL is estranged from the family. It started as a feud between her and my MIL, but eventually, SIL stopped speaking to my husband. She has been estranged for nearly 15 years and it still is deeply hurtful to both my husband and MIL.

The biggest issue was that my MIL kept pushing. In her mind, she always had a good reason for pushing. In SIL's mind, it was a continuation of the issues that led to the estrangement in the first place. I'm not saying SIL was right, but I do think my MIL would have been better served by just backing off. I think she should have told SIL she loved her and wanted her in her life when she was ready and then left it at that.

He is demanding freedom and a separation at this point. Give it to him. It will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever do as a mother, but give him what he wants. Be there with an open heart when (i hope) he realizes he does need his family. But for now....just try to focus on healing your family and your heart.

I would give you the biggest hugs if I could. My heart hurts for you, mama.

I am so sorry to read this thread. Your son has troubles that most of us cannot really comprehend and he cannot be getting good advice from his friends because their childhoods were not the same as his either. Most teenagers would love to cut off their parents, but cannot understand the dynamics of not living with "blood" parents or family.

I agree that you may appear stalkerish and controlling to a rebellious teen. Knowing that you are not does not really help. You are in that lose-lose situation. Vent and cry only where ds1 cannot know, and start healing the wounds of ds2 in a non-judgemental manner. Do not make him feel that he has to pay for his brother's choices. Focusing on the present may help you all.

You are grieving. It is ok. Move forward.

hugs

I'm so sorry! I think you have been given plenty of good advice by the others. Your son will come around someday, but it might take some time. Hang in there!

Edited to add: I just read your sons were adopted? My SO and his sister were also adopted, my SO as a baby, his sister a few years later as a 4 yo.
My SIL gave my MIL a very very hard time. She was always fighting, testing boundaries. Probably because of the things she went though before the adoption. Teenage years were hell! Even in her thirties she needed space. My MIL and FIL didn't see her for years. They stayed in touch by postcards, the occasional phone call. They never tried to push her. Since a few years my SIL is back in their and our lives. We still give her all the space she needs, but it is so much better!

I can't ever imagine what you are going through. I also hope I never have to.

I guess I would try to give him space. I would send him a message that you will give him the space he needs and will only send a message once a month. Let him know that the line is always open for him to contact you and when the time is right I am sure he will.

Thoughts will be with you. I can not imagine the pain.

I am so sorry.  I've had rough spots with my son too.  He is the only person that is able to hurt my heart, and he's chosen to do so a few times.  That's all part of the growing up and pulling away for some kids, I think.  They need to make us the enemy so they can stay away and make it on their own.  They don't realize they can do the same thing while keeping in touch. I was more than ready to let my son go and get his own life started, but we had been so close that I think he needed to blast his way out instead of just behaving normally.

It took some time and we've had subsequent issues since then, but he's finally becoming the man I thought he would be.  I am going to guess yours is going through something similar and mistakenly thinks that he has to cut ties for a while to stand on his own.  He will be back.  But prepare yourself for a few of these until he matures to the point to realize it isn't necessary and we mothers are not trying to turn them back into our little boys.

Hang on, Mom.  It's hard, but he will be back.  His brother is still young and living with you too, right?

I'm sorry. Parenting teens is hard, big hugs.

Good intent means nothing to an unwilling receiver. Yes, you have freedom, but giving true space, means not even taking the chance of getting within space. If you want to be ever heard, or respected again, for now, you have to stay within the channels you have for openness, and get out of the way to allow him to come back to you. Hardest thing ever to do, but it is what works.

I have no advice I just wanted to say I am sorry. My heart is breaking for your whole family.

My brother ditched our family for a little over 2 years. I wasn't living in the same country at the time so didn't see it coming. When I rang my brother to ask what was going on he was absurdly OTT about it and told me he was "done", and that included me. Weird, as I'd been away from home for 5 years at that point so certainly wasn't part of whatever went down.

Anyway my point is, he acted like a brat and did not care that he essentially gutted my parents life for 2 years. He changed his address, mobile number and job so they had no way at all to contact him - didn't even know if he was still alive. It put years on my parents and I was furious with him.

BUT...

After 2 years my parents found out where he was working. It was a 10 hour drive from them but they jumped in their car and drove there immediately. They waited outside his workplace until they saw him come out and just went up to him and said hello. He was shocked to see them, but didn't react badly. In fact they went back to his place and had dinner etc. They didn't get into a heavy discussion about it, and since then he's been a lot better. I don't know - maybe it's just a phase some people go through at that age?

I agree with the others who have said back off a bit. I don't think weekly texts about the fun family times will help at this point, and could actually make things worse (if that's possible). Maybe in a few months you could try one or two and see how it goes down. But for now I would defintely go radio silent. He knows where you are, and he knows he can come home or call you if he needs to. You've told him that several times. And you also know where he is (or at least where he works), so if there was an urgent need for you to contact him you could always go there and wait outside for him.

I do feel very sorry for you, and especially your other son. His brother will eventually work out what's important in life - we all usually do at some stage

You are SO.CUTE! (or, whomever is in your avatar...)