purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,792
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Aug 2, 2014 0:08:38 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As the mother of boys I can imagine how hard this is on you.
I agree with Burning Feather, I'm sure he will come back one day even though it may be a way down the track. And I'd send him the same message - you will give him the space he wants, but to please let you know if there's ever an emergency he needs help with.
The only thing I'd do different from BF is I wouldn't ask him to contact me monthly. While I understand that need from a mothers point of view, asking that from him when he wants no contact at all might make him even more determined to stay away. I'd tell him the door is always open to him and that you'd love to hear from him whenever he's ready. Then I'd stop the contact until then, unless something happened with any of you that he really needs to know about, like illness\accident (heaven forbid).
Sometimes kids need to get exactly what they ask for, to make them eventually appreciate what they've lost. Yes, this makes sense and though very hard, is probably what I would do. We have a 19 yo that is about to drive us right off the edge. But he is finally, sloooooowly making some tiny improvements. Don't give up on your ds, love him, pray for him, and maybe maturity will arrive eventually. That is what I hope for.... Praying for you.
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Post by gizzy on Aug 2, 2014 0:12:48 GMT
I'm sorry. I'd hoped that it would've all passed by now. I love Sabrina's approach. It's giving him space but letting him know you're ok with him opening the door in the future. I feel for your younger son. It's one thing to want your independance & another to not have anything to do with his brother.
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Post by megop on Aug 2, 2014 0:15:44 GMT
I'm curious as to other's experiences...in my experience and within those similar in my close circle of friends, that for those children who seek their independence boldly and rather prematurely, something happens around late 22 or 23 and a light bulb sort of snaps. Almost like that frontal lobe brain comes on and suddenly, parents aren't so much the bad guys after all. Not tried and true of course, I've just noticed it ringing true often enough to notice.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:29:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 0:17:58 GMT
Coming from a daughter with an overbearing mom (not saying you are), give him the space he desires. Don't send him a message every week. If there's an event you'd like to see him at, let him know about it. Let him know there's an open invitation but do not repeat it.
You may not be an overbearing mom, but he may feel you are one. I wish my mom would just leave me alone but she won't. The last time I told her to leave me alone, she posted all over FB how I'm selfish, she misses me, blah blah blah. I had so many of her friends calling me an awful person when all I wanted was her to stop prying and asking questions I had no interest in answering. So no guilt trips. Don't post how much you love him or miss him. He will read it the wrong way. Give him exactly what he wants - space. Just say "ok, I'm your Mom and I'll never stop worrying about you or loving you. The door is always open if you want to stop by or need help with something." And leave it at that. It'll take a while but as long as you don't do what my mom did, he'll come around again and you'll have a relationship again. I don't have much of one with mine because I still remember the passive aggressive guilt trip she laid out and aired it all for her friends to see.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 2, 2014 0:21:15 GMT
I am so sorry. Was there a falling out? I remember him moving out on his 18th birthday. Then moving in with girlfriends family but they kicked him out, right? Didn't your husband step in and help him when that happened? Didn't he write an awesome essay about being adopted? What happened from there? His behavior seems really bizarre if there was no falling out.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Aug 2, 2014 0:23:32 GMT
I admit I've probably missed a thread or two on this situation so take whatever I say with that in mind.
I'm assuming that there isn't drugs or criminal behavior because you haven't mentioned it, so I've no reason to believe that he's toxic to your family in that way but I must say that he's being a selfish little shit. I've been in this situation as an observer and participant, as well as a victim. Frankly, at a certain point, that's what you all are, especially his little brother. I get letting him have space, but sometimes "he's just being a boy" or "he's that age" is just an excuse enabling someone to walk all over you. And giving in to the motherly compulsion of "call if you need anything" is just opening the door to be used. When someone slaps you and you turn the other cheek you're just giving them another cheek to slap. I get that you are desperate for any communication, but perhaps you need to move on through the stages of grief. Grieving the end of his childhood, the relationship that you had, accepting it will never be the same without serious work or maturation, getting angry at him for putting you all through this (especially his brother), is the only way you are going to heal and stop waiting for word.
He doesn't think he needs your love or your support for whatever reason. He's blinded by love, hubris, or just plain stupidity. So many people wish for a loving family life and he is spitting on it or taking it for granted. He's creating doubt and feelings of "what did I do wrong" and "why wasn't I enough." Would you accept your husband or another man making you feel this way? Would you accept anyone making your youngest feel this way? As a family you need to sit and talk about how things are and will be, reassure your youngest that it's nothing that he did and that you will always love all of your children (I know it sounds like the divorce talk but that's essentially what it is). Find ways to fill the holes and doctor the wounds instead of letting them fester. My Mom would leave our bedrooms as shrines certain in the knowledge that we'd come back. For years I watched it happen: she'd bail them out and be so happy only for them to turn around and bail again once the money dried up. So prepare yourself to practice some tough love if he does come back and don't just lay down like a doormat because it's a terrible example for your other kid.
Communication will be key, like how there are certain expectations if one is a member of a family. But he's closed the door on communication for you right now and you must accept that. Focus on the ones still in the house and try to heal. I'm not saying to write him off but you can't live your life waiting and you can't let this fester like an open sore. I know this is a nightmare but it is what it is and you must make the best of it. I can say from experience that it may be years or even decades before he returns to the fold. If/when he does, I hope things work out for the best, truly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:29:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 0:27:30 GMT
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I cannot imagine how heartbroken you are. Sending good thoughts, prayers et for all involved.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,022
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 2, 2014 0:29:04 GMT
I followed this on Two Peas. Op, I'm so sorry that he hasn't come around. I think sending him another message just to say you are giving him space would be fine.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 14:29:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 0:32:38 GMT
I'm so sorry and I can't imagine how heartbroken your entire family must be right now (including the son that's choosing to have no contact). I agree with the others that say give him his space. Let him see what he's missing. Try to live your lives and hopefully he'll come back to you SOON.
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Aug 2, 2014 0:43:18 GMT
I am so sorry I think he will come around. I would send him a message saying that you are proud of him for getting an apartment and that you love him very much. Tell him you miss him but you will respect his space. I would still try and check in but less... maybe once a month? If I remember right hes 18i or so? (i apologize if that is totally wrong ) If so, maybe hes just at that age where he wants to be away from mom and do his own thing. My brother did this for a couple of years, the only time we saw him was on Thanksgiving or Christmas. We are all really close now though.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 2, 2014 0:47:55 GMT
I'm so sorry! I wish I could come over and give you a big hug. If you liked hugs from strangers, that is!
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Post by nantini on Aug 2, 2014 1:22:44 GMT
I can't offer advice than what's different than above so I'll offer you a (((((big hug ))))). You might mention if he has time and is in the area could he maybe arrange to reach out to his brother. That's just so sad.
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Post by lovetodigi on Aug 2, 2014 1:29:18 GMT
I would send him a FB message and tell him that you will respect his wishes and leave him alone, but you want him to understand that he will always be your son and you will always love him. Nothing will change that...ever. Then tell him that he knows how to reach you should he choose to.
Then I would back off contact, except for special days like birthdays, Christmas, etc. On those days I would just send him a quick message saying that you are thinking about him at this special time. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or whatever special occasion it is, and tell him that you love him. It will be hard to do, but maybe after a little while, he will wake up and realize that he needs his family. In the mean time, the little special reminders on special dates will keep you in his thoughts and let him know that he is loved.
Sorry that you are going through this. I am sure that is is a hard time for you. :-D
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 2, 2014 1:33:21 GMT
Wish things were better for you, but it really does take time for a kid like him to turn things around and realize their parents aren't horrible people.
My dd was out of the house for about 18 months (she moved with a friend not boyfriend, but a lot of similarities to your story.) Honestly it will probably be some time before things start to get better with him.
I'm with the others on this, i'd keep contact to a minimal. I'd probably send him a facebook message every 3-4 weeks and just tell him I was thinking of him and loved him. I wouldn't pressure him for contact at this point. And I would absolutely not contact the girlfriend for any reason.
He may very well be lying about an apartment... I couldn't trust a thing that came out of my dd's mouth at that point. It's a tough position to be in for sure...but you've just got to trust that eventually he'll rethink his actions. (HUGS)
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,423
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Aug 2, 2014 1:42:11 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this. I put my mom through something very Similiar when I was 17. Now that I'm a mom myself my views have changed.
I'd tell him you will cease contact if he leaves a way for emergency contact.
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 2, 2014 1:58:38 GMT
I think a once a week message is good. No expectations of him, no guilt, just warmth and love from you.
I remember wishing my parents tried harder to (in my mind) "show how much they love me" by reaching out to me. They never did. But, I grew up and we're great now! My parents are fantastic!
I can't imagine growing up in the foster care system. I imagine there are so many feelings of lack of self worth etc. I think if you continueto prove that you're not going anywhere no matter how he behaves, he'll come around.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Aug 2, 2014 2:08:43 GMT
I am so sorry. I know your heart is breaking. He does need you and he is just being stupid and doesn't know fully what matters yet in life. I wouldn't keep contacting him. I would let him know that he knows where to find you all and that you are here for him. I would occasionally try to connect with him but not on a weekly basis. I am so sorry. This can turn around and likely will.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 2, 2014 2:13:05 GMT
Wow, that is heartbreaking. Even when DD and I are at our worst, I still hope she wants me in her life. What has gotten into him that he just shut you out like that after all you've done for him? I feel like he will come around but it may take him becoming a dad before he sees the light and that's not fair to you. You are in my thoughts. This would be hard to swallow for any parent.
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Post by txdancermom on Aug 2, 2014 2:19:27 GMT
I am sorry.
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mochi
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 26, 2014 1:45:16 GMT
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Post by mochi on Aug 2, 2014 2:20:59 GMT
I can feel the sadness of your post. (((hugs))) I hope things turn around real soon.
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Post by melanell on Aug 2, 2014 2:37:00 GMT
Hugs to you!
I like BF's advice early on in this thread.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 2, 2014 3:53:56 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know your heart is breaking into a million pieces.
I hope you know that somewhere, in his heart of hearts, your son does need his mom. He is just young, short sighted, immature and in love. That doesn't excuse his actions, but it does inform them a bit.
You are in a rock and a hard place as far as contacting your son. I'm so sorry.
My MIL went through something similar with her oldest daughter. Her daughter demanded space and MIL didn't respect that demand. She continued to stop by unannounced, call, write, etc. Her daughter eventually cut all ties with her. The thing is, my SIL was the kind of person who would have also flipped out if her mother did NOT try to contact her, so I really feel like my MIL was in a lose-lose situation.
I would write my son a letter - let him know that your door and hearts will always be open to him because he is YOUR SON. Tell him how much you love him and how proud you are of him. Tell him you miss him and you miss knowing him and seeing him. Remind him that he is part of a family that is incomplete without him. But also....tell him you are trying to understand and respect his need for autonomy. Tell him that you want to respect him and for him to feel that respect.
Just....don't close the door. I hope your son becomes part of your lives again very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs right now. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
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Post by CarolT on Aug 2, 2014 4:08:00 GMT
My heart goes out to you.
I agree with Sabrina's post. You'll be letting him know you are thinking of him, but you aren't asking him for anything. In the future, the fact that you didn't give up on him, even when he pushed you away, will be what he remembers.
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Post by shevy on Aug 2, 2014 4:12:03 GMT
Nothing more to add, other than a hug.
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Post by mztfied on Aug 2, 2014 4:17:05 GMT
I certainly feel your pain. I had a period of 6 years that I did not hear from my son. He had gone through a horrible time. He just dropped out of sight. I had no way of knowing if he was alive..sick or living under a bridge somewhere. Oh yes..my imagination was quite active. My only recourse was to email him once a month. I just told him that I hoped he was doing well and that I was always going to be there for him. Just a couple of sentences.
On a lovely winter day I opened my email to find a long message from my son. So I say don't give up. Like my son yours has to find his way. Never ever let him believe that he is forgotten. Keep being positive and let him have his space. I know it's really hard. Your mothers' heart breaks. But be strong and hold on. It's interesting that he is now "missing his brother". That is at least a clue that he is thinking about his relationship with his family.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 2, 2014 4:24:14 GMT
ITA w/everyone who is advising you to leave an open door, have light conversations and ask him to ping you every 2-3 weeks in case you have news for him. Turn it around so it doesn't come across as you needing to mother him; rather, it should sound like he might be interested in local news. Though I'm not sure what his extraneous issues in his life are that lead him to this place, odds are he'll get sick of struggling w/a gf who is a drag and will mature enough to realize that life w/mom and dad was a lot better than this. Life is hard when you're young, think you know it all, find out you do not know anything and have to fish for change in the sofa cushions in order to buy toilet paper, a necessity that was free at mom's house. My thoughts are w/you.
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Post by worrywart on Aug 2, 2014 4:29:13 GMT
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My thinking is similar, that you give him the 'quiet' and the space he needs. I do however, think that he needs to at least know that he is hurting his brother with his lack of contact and that as the oldest, he has a responsibility there to uphold and he needs to know that his selfishness is affecting his brother. Even if he does not want contact with you at this point, it should not keep him from talking with his brother and being a part of his life in some way.
It honestly sounds as if he is going through some age related maturity problems that will hopefully mend themselves as time goes on. Like some others have said if you give him what he wants, he may soon realize what he is missing..Hugs, I know it totally sucks and also hurts for your other ds and his feelings.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Aug 2, 2014 4:56:41 GMT
Coming from a daughter with an overbearing mom (not saying you are), give him the space he desires. Don't send him a message every week. If there's an event you'd like to see him at, let him know about it. Let him know there's an open invitation but do not repeat it. You may not be an overbearing mom, but he may feel you are one. I wish my mom would just leave me alone but she won't. The last time I told her to leave me alone, she posted all over FB how I'm selfish, she misses me, blah blah blah. I had so many of her friends calling me an awful person when all I wanted was her to stop prying and asking questions I had no interest in answering. So no guilt trips. Don't post how much you love him or miss him. He will read it the wrong way. Give him exactly what he wants - space. Just say "ok, I'm your Mom and I'll never stop worrying about you or loving you. The door is always open if you want to stop by or need help with something." And leave it at that. It'll take a while but as long as you don't do what my mom did, he'll come around again and you'll have a relationship again. I don't have much of one with mine because I still remember the passive aggressive guilt trip she laid out and aired it all for her friends to see. Everything Dknitter said .... this is the up and down relationship with my mom over the years. It's gotten better, but it's still hard to go on vacation and see her without worrying about how sad she is when I leave. It's a very complicated relationship.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Aug 2, 2014 5:04:59 GMT
I'm sorry (((HUGS)))
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Post by miominmio on Aug 2, 2014 6:57:21 GMT
I'm so sad to hear about this. One thing is not contacting your parents, but his little brother? How awfully selfish of him. It seems your youngest son is really hurting, and it honestly makes me want to kick your oldest in the butt.
The essay he wrote was wonderful, and made me hopeful your relationship would mend, but his behaviour makes me believe he wrote it that way, not because it was the way he felt, but because it was more beneficial to him.
At this stage, I think I would stop contacting him weekly. I would send him one final message and tell him you will always love him, but that you will step back and give him the space he wants. Tell him that you will only contact him if there is a family emergency, but that you hope that he one day will want to reopen contact with his family.
Unlike most of the others, I'm not so sure that he wants contact with you in the future, I'm sorry to say. But you constantly trying to contact him will only make him want to pull away, imo. At this point, I would try to get counselling for my family, to deal with the loss of a child (because this is what it essentially is).
Hugs to you.
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