Having a really rough night and need some friends*update OP*

Today I had to look at photos from our accident 5 years ago.  The whys of how this happened are legally muddy so I don’t want to go into that part if you guys don’t mind.  The main point is that after 5 years and 2 months of being protected and careful avoidance, I had to look and ID our truck.  I thought I was prepared. My brain has some pretty hideous images in it.  I knew it would be upsetting and I took what I thought were proper steps to help me deal including my counselor and my trainer to help me through the deposition that is scheduled tomorrow.  

I was not prepared for the photos at all, despite all my prep.  I was shielded from the truck the day of. I never saw it after I got out.  His department made sure I never saw it, assigning officers to clear it out and bring me stuff.  They even took care of the ID of my husband.  I never saw him till they were done “fixing” him for viewing. The truck then became part of the legal battles that took up the next 2.5 years of my life.  My team kept me from the photos. The case never got far enough that I had to see them.  I was more than okay with that. 

I have my own horrid images in my head that have taken years to calm down and get to a point I can manage them. My panic attacks are few and far between now and I’ve learned to avoid the things I can (fireworks, bad traffic days) and deal with the things I can’t control (thunderstorms).  Nothing in my head could add up to what I saw today and what I will see tomorrow.  My daughter and I should not have walked away from that wreck. The fact we did so and with very minor injuries is nothing short of a miracle and I don’t really believe in those.  I have to walk through step by step. I have to ID the truck photos and two accident scene photos. Even though I initially saw them today it won’t be any less hurtful tomorrow. 

Since this afternoon ive been having flashbacks. It overlays onto reality.  I can’t keep food down and stopped trying.  I can’t sleep.  I’m cleaning like a maniac which is not normal.  My mind is fighting the reality of the photos vs the bubble we had built.  It sucks.  I’m supposed to work tomorrow afternoon.  All I want is a hug and there is nobody left to hug anymore.  Just my dog who is pacing like a crazy guy cause he knows.  I’m just in a really bad place. One I haven’t been in a very long time. I didn’t know where else to turn this late except here.  I’m hoping this is the last time this will ever come up again.  I didn’t know it could come up now so that is a useless hope but it’s all I have to hold on to tonight. 


***update***. I got through it. What was estimated to be a 15 min thing turned into an hour long thing.  A few new photos where shown. Got sick at the shrinks, worked out with my trainer and met a friend for lunch after my daughter cancelled because she got called into work.  On the couch with the dog.  I’m better than yesterday. I finally passed out around 230am but up at 630.  I did call off work today. It’s  been very hard keeping my emotions in check and it’s probably better I’m not talking to people on the phone. The part I hate the most is not being able to keep the emotions in check especially in front of others. Thank you to everyone. I really appreciate your words and support.  quiltz thank you so much for sharing your story. It helped more than you know.  Big big hugs to you!