|
|
Post by cindosha on Sept 27, 2017 13:46:57 GMT
My mom fell two months ago and broke her hip. She had surgery, went through rehab and is now home. She just turned 80 and has Alzheimer's which has exacerbated since her surgery. she is mobile and is supposed to use a walker but really doesn't understand that she has to use it all of the time to walk. so she just limps around the house.
My dad is 82 and is taking care of my mom. we siblings split up time going over to their house a couple of nights a week and one day on the weekend. my sister usually goes over there during the day for a few hours 2-3 days a week. She works from home selling crafts she makes on Etsy but the rest of us all work full time. two siblings live out of state and 3 live over an hour away. my stay at home sister and me live within 15 minutes of them.
my dad is getting overwhelmed because my mom's Alzheimer's is progressing fast. she will get up in the middle of the night, take off all of her clothes, sit on the bed and poop on the bed. or she will stuff something down the toilet and my dad had to clean up a flooded bathroom in the middle of the night. they do sleep in the same bed but I think my dad is so tired that he sleeps through all of her potty business. I have thought of an alarm that goes off when she gets out of bed but I only heard about those recently and haven't had time to research those. Their bathroom is ensuite so she doesn't have to leave the bedroom to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. she also has started refusing to take showers and gives my dad a real hard time about that. he started giving her her shower every other day because it is such an ordeal.
My stay at home sister feels that we all need to step up and spend more time with my parents. we are doing what we can with families of our own and work schedules. my dad refuses to put my mother in a facility and wants to continue to care for her. we are going to have a family meeting soon and I want to bring as much to the table as I can in her care.
I think they need to hire someone to come in and care for my mom a few days a week for a half day or whole day. (haven't figured that one out quite yet). She really can't be left alone so my dad can't leave her to run out to the store or get his hair cut. When we kids come over, he will go to the grocery store or mow the lawn (he won't let anyone mow his lawn because he wants it done a certain way. we are working on him to not be so fussy).
I think the night time is stressing him out because my mom's sleep patterns are so erratic. I think he's exhausted.
Their house is paid off and they have enough money to live each month but not much more. I am in the process of checking out home care for her but from what I have been seeing, it is quite expensive and insurance doesn't cover much of it. My sister suggested a reverse mortgage but I am not so sure about that. what if something happens to my dad or he dies before my mom does and she has to go into a long term facility? or what if my dad becomes incapacitated by stroke or injury and they both need long term care. I know that in that event, the facility will take all of their assets before insurance is covering but I worry about not having at least the home to help with equity money.
I am going to make an appointment with an elder attorney in the next week and see what he has to say.
Does anyone have any experience in reverse mortgages? good? Bad? ugly?
Any suggestions would be appreciated. I am at work now so I may only be able to check into this post a few times today.
TIA Cindy
UPDATE 9/28/17*****Thank you everyone for your kind comments and invaluable information. I haven't had a chance to read through ALL of the replies but will try and get to them today. as I expected, it seems that a reverse may be more trouble than good in our case.
I spoke to my sister (who lives an hour away but works sometimes in the area) last night after she had gone to visit them and she told me that yesterday morning after my mom got up and ate breakfast, she went into the bathroom and pooped all over herself. when my dad tried to get her into the shower to clean her up, she fought him and he actually had to pick her up and carry her into the shower. he didn't tell my sister that my mom had also given him a bloody nose in the struggle. she overheard my dad ask my mom that evening if she remembered giving him the bloody nose and she said no. my sister said that my dad put his head on my moms shoulder and just started sobbing. this breaks our hearts.
My sister and I think that my dad just wants to take care of my mom as LONG as he is able to and I think right now, but it is sinking in to him that she is progressing at an alarming rate in her Alzheimer's. I think he is going to gut it out as long as he can. we have encouraged him to make sure my mom has Depends on (she has been wearing underwear) at all times. I think he still wants some semblance of control in his and my mom's life and we are going to grant him that little thing for now.
I will however, still see the elder care attorney and have an appt with them on 10/19. I have spoken to some in-home healthcare facilities and will continue to research all of their options. the attorney I work for printed me off a Durable Power of Attorney for me to have my dad to sign and we will present all of this information to my dad when the time comes. I want to have all of our ducks in a row for when this happens. I fear it won't be too much longer....
Thank you all again. I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes here, and I truly appreciate every one of your replies, hugs and encouragement.
Cindy |
|
SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,612 
|
Post by SweetieBsMom on Sept 27, 2017 13:54:04 GMT
Have you looked in to facilities that they could both go into? My Dad is in assisted living. He has a friend, that he has meals with, who's wife in on the memory care side of the facility. So he visits her all day/every day but her needs are taken care of by trained staff.
One of my aunt's friends is at an assisted living with her husband who has Alzheimer's. She typically cares for him, with the help of staff, but there's an adult daycare (for lack of a better term) in the facility that she sends him to once a week. This allows her 1 day to herself.
From what you have said, your Dad needs help caring for her. He's going to incapacitate himself carrying the load alone.
|
|
|
|
Post by littlemama on Sept 27, 2017 14:00:10 GMT
Your mother's disease has progressed to the point that she needs to be in a nursing home. If they do not have the means to pay for it, they can apply for Medicaid to cover the cost.
I would also have her evaluated by Hospice - if she is within 6 months of end of life, she can enter Hospice Care within the nursing home if that is what the person who holds her Power of Attorney (presumably your father) determines would be best.
End of life is never easy, but it is especially heartbreaking when dementia is involved.
|
|
|
|
Post by lemondrop on Sept 27, 2017 14:02:57 GMT
I don't have any advice. Just sending you hugs.
|
|
|
|
Post by peanutterbutter on Sept 27, 2017 14:05:44 GMT
The appointment with the elder care attorney is an excellent idea before doing anything else financially. Try calling the Area Agency on Aging or whatever your area has for resources
and to see if your parents qualify for anything. You could call some home healthcare agencies to see what they can suggest an offer and how much it will cost so you have an idea of that. If your mom is going to stay at home, it is probably a good idea to look at door alarms as well as a bed alarm, and other safety issues around the house. Good luck, I do know just how challenging this is.
|
|
|
|
Post by hdoublej on Sept 27, 2017 14:17:46 GMT
I don't know anything about reverse mortgages so I can't help you there, sorry. Speaking to an attorney is a great idea though. I'm wondering, from what you wrote, if it would be better to have someone come stay with them during the night. It sounds like daytime is easier for your dad to handle and your sister is able to stop by often to help. If someone was there to sit at night, your dad could rest and the sitter could watch after your mom. I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((hugs))
|
|
|
|
Post by cindosha on Sept 27, 2017 14:22:08 GMT
I don't think she is ready for a nursing home yet and is certainly not at end of life. She is still cognizant of her kids and my dad but has her moments when she is in another world. My dad does not want to leave his home and does not want to place mom anywhere. Yet. but considering that it has only been 3 months since he has been carrying this load(the broken hip and exacerbation of the Alzheimer's), it's going to get old fast.
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Sept 27, 2017 14:30:43 GMT
Oh, I see this in my future. And sooner than I'd expected I learned during a conversation with my Father last week. I'm sorry your time is now, but appreciate you sharing. I, along with others, will be taking notes.
When I discuss with my mother how friends' parents have moved to senior communities she balks about the expense. I've been attempting to show her the math. If they sell their house they have quite a few years of housing payments just from that. I know it wasn't their dream, but there will be a time they need to move, and they don't want to live with us until very old.
|
|
keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,275
|
Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 27, 2017 14:35:05 GMT
Don't do a reverse mortgage, please. If one person takes it out and passes away, the loan becomes due. You have to commit to living in the property. If you can't, the loan becomes due. So many pitfalls. Unless you are certain that your parents will be able to live in the home, and afford the upkeep and costs, for the entire term of the loan. Please do lots of research on this. V
|
|
keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,275
|
Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 27, 2017 14:38:37 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Sept 27, 2017 14:42:37 GMT
I am not in your shoes, yet, but I think it may be time for your mom to receive full time care. In my experience, with friends, they wait too long to seek that help. This is too much for your dad. What if mom wanders away at night?
Hugs, my pea friend. My mom says neither she nor my dad are ever going into a nursing home. It's a nightmare, because she has memory issues and dad has advanced Parkinson's.
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 27, 2017 14:52:56 GMT
It is hard for people to leave their homes.
My Dad is 90 and refuses to despite living alone and having many falls.
Have you gone at looked at Assisted living facilities. I ask because you referred to them as Nursing Homes, and if you haven't' been in one in the last 5-10 years they have changed dramatically. They are not the nursing homes of our youth.
We have struggled to get my Dad to see this.
I would definitely talk to your local Council on Aging, and see if you qualify for any home health care via Medicaid.
I have heard that reverse mortgages should be a very last resort and that they prey on the elderly, so please get advice from a trusted financial advisor.
It is so hard to see our parents aging. I hope you can find the assistance you need.
|
|
|
|
Post by cindosha on Sept 27, 2017 14:56:37 GMT
Don't do a reverse mortgage, please. If one person takes it out and passes away, the loan becomes due. You have to commit to living in the property. If you can't, the loan becomes due. So many pitfalls. Unless you are certain that your parents will be able to live in the home, and afford the upkeep and costs, for the entire term of the loan. Please do lots of research on this. V this is my biggest fear. even if it is taken out in both of their names, if my dad dies first, mom will have to leave the house and they would lose their equity. |
|
|
|
Post by cindosha on Sept 27, 2017 15:01:20 GMT
Have you gone at looked at Assisted living facilities. I ask because you referred to them as Nursing Homes, and if you haven't' been in one in the last 5-10 years they have changed dramatically. They are not the nursing homes of our youth. I have seen them, my mom was in one for her rehab and recovery after her hip surgery. it was a very nice one that kicked her out after 3 weeks. we looked at a few Medicaid run ones and they were horrifying. so the nursing homes from our youth still exist. Unfortunately. the "nice" ones cost $$$$$ out of pocket and my parents have $$, or just enough to live every month. At their house. UGH!!! |
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 27, 2017 15:05:56 GMT
Have you gone at looked at Assisted living facilities. I ask because you referred to them as Nursing Homes, and if you haven't' been in one in the last 5-10 years they have changed dramatically. They are not the nursing homes of our youth. I have seen them, my mom was in one for her rehab and recovery after her hip surgery. it was a very nice one that kicked her out after 3 weeks. we looked at a few Medicaid run ones and they were horrifying. so the nursing homes from our youth still exist. Unfortunately. the "nice" ones cost $$$$$ out of pocket and my parents have $$, or just enough to live every month. At their house. UGH!!! I know you have two hurdles, the parents want to stay in the home, and the finances for the assisted living facilities. Talk to the facilities themselves, they can often help with the financing part. People see the price and have sticker shock, I know when my Mom sat down and discussed it she found a lovely facility that was well within her price range. She couldn't go to the fanciest one but she found one she loved and could afford and she did not have much money. |
|
Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,074
|
Post by Mary Kay Lady on Sept 27, 2017 15:20:30 GMT
I am so sorry that your family is in this situation. Alzheimer's disease is horrid. My father-in-law died from complications from it. My mother-in-law was a nurse and cared for him at home as long as she could. Wandering during the night is very common and can greatly affect the health of your Dad.
I know that he wants to keep her at home, but it sounds like he needs help. A retirement home with graduated care is what we ended up putting my in-laws in. It was wonderful. My MIL had an apartment and my FIL was in the nursing home portion. She was able to visit him any time she wanted, but she wasn't responsible for his care.
It was the best choice ever for both of them. MIL blossomed socially. She was very busy with book clubs, quilting, and volunteering.
My FIL was well cared for as his health continued to deteriorate. I realize that this isn't what your Dad wants, but he's not a young man and it's not reasonable that he should expect to care for your Mom. Sadly, her condition will only worsen and it will affect your Dad's health if he's caring for her 24/7.
|
|
pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,921
|
Post by pilcas on Sept 27, 2017 15:23:01 GMT
Can her doctor prescribe something to help her sleep through the night? This would give your dad a good nights sleep at least.
|
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on Sept 27, 2017 15:25:18 GMT
A major concern should be what toll it will place on your dad to continue to be the primary caretaker for your mom. Destroying his health will just cause more problems.
If he is absolutely unwilling to place her in a care facility or for both to move into a facility with different levels of assisted living, then I think you really need care during the night. Getting up to clean her and the bedding or whatever else is next will be an increasing burden on your dad. Or alternatively, if he sleeps through whatever she is doing, she could be injured because of her actions. The stress of not sleeping or worrying about not waking up in time to prevent a disaster could harm your father's health and then you will have two people to take care of. Your dad wants to care for his wife and that's admirable, but he has to be realistic about what he can and cannot do and how much and what kind of help is needed. It's likely the need will only increase.
It doesn't sound like a reverse mortgage is right for this situation. I agree with consulting an elder care lawyer, and also with investigating all available resources. In my area there are adult daycare programs; something like that would allow your dad some respite during the day and give him a chance to go out and run errands and shop. Still, the nighttime need for care would be my biggest concern.
|
|
|
|
Post by LilyRose on Sept 27, 2017 15:29:26 GMT
The appointment with the elder care attorney is an excellent idea before doing anything else financially. Try calling the Area Agency on Aging or whatever your area has for resources and to see if your parents qualify for anything. You could call some home healthcare agencies to see what they can suggest an offer and how much it will cost so you have an idea of that. If your mom is going to stay at home, it is probably a good idea to look at door alarms as well as a bed alarm, and other safety issues around the house. Good luck, I do know just how challenging this is. My uncle and aunt do not have children, and my aunt has developed dementia. My uncle did not share with us how bad it was for quite a while. Eventually he confessed that things were pretty bad, and I went to an informational dementia class in our town with him. They provided so much helpful information that day that was very eye opening for him. They gave some statistics around illness and death for the caregiver of an dementia patient, and I saw him visibly flinch out of the corner of my eye. I think that was especially eye-opening for him. I feel for your father, and his desire to care for your mom at home, but that comes at a great cost to him. I suggest a call to the Alzheimer's Association, as they will have many suggestions and resources for you to consider. That call was my uncle's first step, and they both led him to the meeting I attended with him, and helped him one-on-one and reassured him that there comes a point when the issue can't be handled at home. Perhaps attending a meeting would help assure your father that he is not along and not expected to shoulder the load on his own. I quoted peanutbutter above because my uncle also found an elder care attorney who was helpful. Over the course of several meetings, the attorney learned about my uncle's financial situation and then provided a number of suggestions on ways my uncle could seek to pay for my aunt's care while protecting assets as best as he could. I feel it was well worth the fee. My aunt is now in a nice facility. Without going into detail, my aunt was very mean to my uncle, and caring for her forced him to give up his life. I have watched my uncle blossom over the past months as he rediscovers the simple pleasures in life now that he has some time to relax and recharge. He has reconnected with friends he lost touch with, and has been going out to eat again with them, to movies, etc. He joined a bible study, and continues to go to an Alzheimer's support group. He goes to visit my aunt every day. He confessed to me the other night how pleasant life is again. You are in such a difficult situation, and I feel for you. Especially your dad. You are on the right track in exploring a variety of options to bring to your family meeting. I hope you find the best solution for all of you. Hugs. |
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on Sept 27, 2017 15:37:20 GMT
I am so sorry that your family is in this situation. Alzheimer's disease is horrid. My father-in-law died from complications from it. My mother-in-law was a nurse and cared for him at home as long as she could. Wandering during the night is very common and can greatly affect the health of your Dad. I know that he wants to keep her at home, but it sounds like he needs help. A retirement home with graduated care is what we ended up putting my in-laws in. It was wonderful. My MIL had an apartment and my FIL was in the nursing home portion. She was able to visit him any time she wanted, but she wasn't responsible for his care. It was the best choice ever for both of them. MIL blossomed socially. She was very busy with book clubs, quilting, and volunteering. My FIL was well cared for as his health continued to deteriorate. I realize that this isn't what your Dad wants, but he's not a young man and it's not reasonable that he should expect to care for your Mom. Sadly, her condition will only worsen and it will affect your Dad's health if he's caring for her 24/7. Both sets of my grandparents ended up living in a facility with different levels of care available. My paternal grandfather needed nursing home care and he went into that part of the facility while my grandmother lived in an efficiency apartment there. She could spend as many hours as she wanted with him but didn't have to care for him and could get a good night's sleep knowing that he was cared for. She was 92 and she loved the social end of it and everyone loved her and got a kick out the new resident who adjusted well to her new life. My maternal grandparents moved into a two bedroom apartment in the same facility. A year later my grandmother's health (Parkinson's) was becoming worse and she would have needed to move to the nursing home had she not died. My maternal grandparents had the money to pay for whatever they needed/wanted. My paternal grandmother was worried that they could not afford to move there, but my parents were able to figure out how it could work. It may be that selling their home could provide your parents with the money to move to a retirement facility with independent, assisted living and nursing home care. |
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 27, 2017 15:45:06 GMT
Have you gone at looked at Assisted living facilities. I ask because you referred to them as Nursing Homes, and if you haven't' been in one in the last 5-10 years they have changed dramatically. They are not the nursing homes of our youth. I have seen them, my mom was in one for her rehab and recovery after her hip surgery. it was a very nice one that kicked her out after 3 weeks. we looked at a few Medicaid run ones and they were horrifying. so the nursing homes from our youth still exist. Unfortunately. the "nice" ones cost $$$$$ out of pocket and my parents have $$, or just enough to live every month. At their house. UGH!!! We went through something similar with my mom (not the broken hip, but the advanced Alzheimer's) and the problem we discovered is that in-home care is almost as (if not MORE) expensive than full time skilled nursing care at a facility. The in-home PCA places we talked to (and this was years ago now) wanted something like $25-30 per hour with a minimum of four hours a day, and if additional services were needed such as help with meds or bathing, help at night, etc. the cost ramped up even more. Once we did the math, it was much cheaper for our mom to go to a very nice memory care facility full time than it would have been to have even part time care in home. My mom always said she wanted to be in her home until she died, but the reality was that in the last couple years in her house she didn't even realize she WAS at home. If she would have realized how much of a strain it was going to be on all of us, she never would have wanted that. My 40-something year old brother lived with her full time in those years, and it was even too much for him (even with help from a few of us siblings coming in and sending her to adult daycare 18 hours a week for a year) and he was young! I can't even imagine how hard it would be for someone your dad's age to attempt to care for someone who obviously really needs round the clock skilled care at this point. Your visit with the elder care attorney will be time and money well spent, IMO. You can also check out resources such as A Place for Mom or other local agencies for aging for more assistance. I would look into the possibility of long term care insurance for your dad too while you're researching. I think with the getting up at night and the bathroom and bathing issues it really IS time for your mom to have full time care, especially if your dad isn't waking up when these things are happening. The absolute last thing you want is for your mom to wander off in the middle of the night in the dead of winter not dressed for it and the person caring for her is too tired to notice, which almost happened with us.  I hope you can find some good options for your family, it's definitely not a fun stage of life to go through. |
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Sept 27, 2017 15:56:44 GMT
Don't do a reverse mortgage, please. If one person takes it out and passes away, the loan becomes due. You have to commit to living in the property. If you can't, the loan becomes due. So many pitfalls. Unless you are certain that your parents will be able to live in the home, and afford the upkeep and costs, for the entire term of the loan. Please do lots of research on this. V this is my biggest fear. even if it is taken out in both of their names, if my dad dies first, mom will have to leave the house and they would lose their equity. The other thing people do not realize is if they are out of the home for 6 months it goes back to the bank. so say your dad has something happen and he has to go to rehab and then maybe stay with a relative to recover. If he's not in his home 6 months then they lose the house.
Can they get a home equity loan? I'd prefer something like that where the loan repayment can be made from the proceeds of sale when it is eventually sold?
In my mom's case she sold her home and began renting a house. She had all the money from the proceeds of the sale to live off.
|
|
suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
|
Post by suzastampin on Sept 27, 2017 16:11:17 GMT
I am not in your shoes, yet, but I think it may be time for your mom to receive full time care. In my experience, with friends, they wait too long to seek that help. This is too much for your dad. What if mom wanders away at night? Hugs, my pea friend. My mom says neither she nor my dad are ever going into a nursing home. It's a nightmare, because she has memory issues and dad has advanced Parkinson's. I tend to agree with the waiting too long. My brother's FIL was able to sneak out at night. Please be sure they have some type of a lock that your mother doesn't know how to operate. The FIL was found standing in the middle of the road naked. Nobody knew how long he had been there. So, new locks were installed. Then the FIL was at the stove trying to cook with his pj sleeves almost touching the burner. That was the day they decided he needed to be in a facility that could care for him all the time. He and his wife both went to an assisted living facility. Eventually she needed full time care after having a stroke. I know how it's so hard to see our parents age and be in these circumstances. I can't remember if I saw this online or where I saw it. One facility had made little houses as their rooms that faced a common room. |
|
smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,323
Location: MN
|
Post by smcast on Sept 27, 2017 16:14:30 GMT
Can her doctor prescribe something to help her sleep through the night? This would give your dad a good nights sleep at least. Physicians are hesitant to do this because often it can backfire and have opposite effect in elderly. They are also at high risk for falls. Dangerous tight rope to walk. No easy answer. |
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 27, 2017 16:14:41 GMT
Alzheimer's is such an ugly, ugly disease. I'll be blunt - your family needs to come to terms with the reality that your father will not be able to care for your mother in their home. As the disease progresses, it's just impossible for a single caregiver - even if they're willing to sacrifice their health (which he is probably already doing). In home care is a possibility, but is most likely more expensive than an assisted care facility. You should start pricing out options in your area now, with the expectation that eventually your mother will need around the clock care. I'm sorry - truly sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 27, 2017 16:26:05 GMT
Don't do a reverse mortgage, please. If one person takes it out and passes away, the loan becomes due. You have to commit to living in the property. If you can't, the loan becomes due. So many pitfalls. Unless you are certain that your parents will be able to live in the home, and afford the upkeep and costs, for the entire term of the loan. Please do lots of research on this. V this is my biggest fear. even if it is taken out in both of their names, if my dad dies first, mom will have to leave the house and they would lose their equity. I just wanted to clarify a few thing on a reverse mortgage. They don't lose the equity. The reverse mortgage becomes due after death or when the parties leave the house. For example, if they have $200,000 in equity and take out $50,000 to pay for staying in the home and 6 months later they both need to enter an assisted living facility. They can move into the facility and sell the house and repay the $50,000 (and interest and finance charges) and they will still have $150,000 in equity - the bank doesn't get to keep the whole house. The real issue is that people often spend through the entirety of their equity and one spouse dies and the other spouse is not able to keep the home and is left with no assets whatsoever. |
|
keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,275
|
Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 27, 2017 16:29:59 GMT
I am not in your shoes, yet, but I think it may be time for your mom to receive full time care. In my experience, with friends, they wait too long to seek that help. This is too much for your dad. What if mom wanders away at night? Hugs, my pea friend. My mom says neither she nor my dad are ever going into a nursing home. It's a nightmare, because she has memory issues and dad has advanced Parkinson's. I tend to agree with the waiting too long. My brother's FIL was able to sneak out at night. Please be sure they have some type of a lock that your mother doesn't know how to operate. The FIL was found standing in the middle of the road naked. Nobody knew how long he had been there. So, new locks were installed. Then the FIL was at the stove trying to cook with his pj sleeves almost touching the burner. That was the day they decided he needed to be in a facility that could care for him all the time. He and his wife both went to an assisted living facility. Eventually she needed full time care after having a stroke. I know how it's so hard to see our parents age and be in these circumstances. I can't remember if I saw this online or where I saw it. One facility had made little houses as their rooms that faced a common room. Don't wait too long to arrange for some kind of care, in home or external. One of the later stages of Alzheimers can be violent and combative behaviors. Please don't let your father bear witness to this if he doesn't have to. My mother almost burned the house down, with the toaster no less. Thank goodness my dad was home. He opted to have a caregiver come to the house daily while he was at work. Best decision ever. OP, what does your mom's doctor recommend? |
|
|
|
Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Sept 27, 2017 16:51:53 GMT
Don't do a reverse mortgage, please. If one person takes it out and passes away, the loan becomes due. You have to commit to living in the property. If you can't, the loan becomes due. So many pitfalls. Unless you are certain that your parents will be able to live in the home, and afford the upkeep and costs, for the entire term of the loan. Please do lots of research on this. V The ugly part of this is when you sell the house you might end up getting nothing for it. For the area in San Clemente what my grandfather got from the sale of house was laughable due to the reverse mortgage. If I had known they were going to go that route, I would have found a way to stop it. But that's a whole other post.. Keithurbanlovinpea and Darcy Collins are right about the issue of people spending through the money and what happens with a reverse mortgage. We ended up moving my grandfather to assisted living because his health conditions on top of Parkinson's dementia made him hard to care for at home. And home care is very expensive. I am sending you hugs. This is the tough stuff, and dementia sucks. I highly recommend meeting with an elder attorney, and contacting the Department of Aging in your area for some resources regarding care for your parents. While services like A Place For Mom can help, it may take them a week or more to get back to you. When time matters this is a problem. I lived it. This is also why I refer to the local Department of Aging and any other local resource agency first. I also agree that you should talk to your mom's doctor about care options. You can also call the Alzheimer's Helpline for anything you might need 24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900 www.alz.org/manh/in_my_community_8973.asp |
|
|
|
Post by heltr on Sept 27, 2017 17:14:57 GMT
I strongly recommend you seeking out your local area agencies that deal with elder care. You need an experienced hand guiding you though all the options available. Medicaid eligibility does not take into account the equity in your home, especially if your spouse is living in the home. In some cases Medicaid will also pay for in home care, not just nursing homes. So many variables affect the choices you will have that you need an independent knowledgeable and trustworthy adviser. Do not take reverse mortgages etc until you know what the implications are or alternative ways to fund care. here is a link to the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging which can help you fond resources in your are www.n4a.org/ |
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Sept 27, 2017 17:20:21 GMT
Alzheimer's is such an ugly, ugly disease. I'll be blunt - your family needs to come to terms with the reality that your father will not be able to care for your mother in their home. As the disease progresses, it's just impossible for a single caregiver - even if they're willing to sacrifice their health (which he is probably already doing). In home care is a possibility, but is most likely more expensive than an assisted care facility. You should start pricing out options in your area now, with the expectation that eventually your mother will need around the clock care. I'm sorry - truly sorry.  My mom has dementia and dad was in denial for a long time and then just stubbornly refused to have a stranger in the house to help. Mom is a walker and will take off any moment she is alone. It got to the point where he couldn't take a few minutes to go to the bathroom, let alone shower, comfortably. For a long time it only happened during the day but then she tried leaving the house in the middle of the night. It really took some frank, tough love from the local police to get my dad to give my sister POA on mom's health decisions and my sister (with complete support from the rest of the family) made the decision to put mom in a care home. Both my maternal grandparents had dementia and dad promised mom he would never put her in a home. I've told my DH and kids it is ok if that decision ever needs to be made for me.  I think it is awesome that you and your siblings are being there as much as you can. That being said, each of you has to decide independently if there is any more you can do and you can't decide someone else should be stepping up more or judge their contribution (not saying you are but finger pointing can happen in families at this point).  |
|
My mom has dementia and dad was in denial for a long time and then just stubbornly refused to have a stranger in the house to help. Mom is a walker and will take off any moment she is alone. It got to the point where he couldn't take a few minutes to go to the bathroom, let alone shower, comfortably. For a long time it only happened during the day but then she tried leaving the house in the middle of the night. It really took some frank, tough love from the local police to get my dad to give my sister POA on mom's health decisions and my sister (with complete support from the rest of the family) made the decision to put mom in a care home.