paigepea
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Oct 31, 2017 14:00:22 GMT
I know I’ve come here to vent about my in laws too much over the last 10 years but I need to vent so badly. I feel like I’m going to scream. I had to take an adivan last night . My older dd’s bat mitzvah is upcoming. Of course, it is a spiritual celebration tied to a party for our friends and family. We decided to have an evening party but we defiantly want the focus on dd. We made the guest list and it was way too big. Bigger than our wedding that had almost 300. We had a lot of friends and family, and some couple / family friends I couldn’t invite because of IL’s obligatory invites to people neither dh nor I knew. I was going crazy. They had close to 100 people on our list while. I called my parents and they cut back their list (ended up close to 25 people), my dd cut back but when dh called IL the things they said to him made me 😯🤢😤😡. We said we didn’t want people we don’t know and they dug into dh even further. So last night dh made me call. I explained that we are over numbers. My parents cut and we cut and dd cut but they won’t cut and they need to. fIL wouldn’t talk to me. They cut almost everyone — was that a jab? I was clear they didn’t need to cut almost everyone. And instead of cutting those we don’t know (like we asked for)they cut close relatives we know. And they cut all of their friends we do know but kept in relatives we don’t. So I felt awful. How did it somehow become about me feeling bad? Is that my personality or are they being passive aggressive by taking everyone off instead of just those needed off. So now IL will hate me forever. FIL already wasn’t nice to me. I needed an adivan to sleep. I told dh it ruined my whole experience that was supposed to be happy. Ugh. Now I’ve vented but I don’t feel better. I feel guilty for saying what needed to be said.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Oct 31, 2017 14:00:57 GMT
I know I’ve come here to vent about my in laws too much over the last 10 years but I need to vent so badly. I feel like I’m going to scream. I had to take an adivan last night . My older dd’s bat mitzvah is upcoming. Of course, it is a spiritual celebration tied to a party for our friends and family. We decided to have an evening party but we defiantly want the focus on dd. We made the guest list and it was way too big. Bigger than our wedding that had almost 300. I didn’t want big. We had a lot of friends and family, and some couple / family friends I couldn’t invite because of IL’s obligatory invites to people neither dh nor I knew. I was going crazy. They had close to 100 people on our list while. I called my parents and they cut back their list (ended up close to 25 people), my dd cut back but when dh called IL the things they said to him made me 😯🤢😤😡. We said we didn’t want people we don’t know and they dug into dh even further. So last night dh made me call. I explained that we are over numbers. My parents cut and we cut and dd cut but they won’t cut and they need to. fIL wouldn’t talk to me. They cut almost everyone — was that a jab? I was clear they didn’t need to cut almost everyone. And instead of cutting those we don’t know (like we asked for)they cut close relatives we know. And they cut all of their friends we do know but kept in relatives we don’t. So I felt awful. How did it somehow become about me feeling bad? Is that my personality or are they being passive aggressive by taking everyone off instead of just those needed off. So now IL will hate me forever. FIL already wasn’t nice to me. I needed an adivan to sleep. I told dh it ruined my whole experience that was supposed to be happy. Ugh. Now I’ve vented but I don’t feel better. I feel guilty for saying what needed to be said.
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Post by librarylady on Oct 31, 2017 14:04:22 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you.
Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford.
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Deleted
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May 15, 2024 18:43:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 14:08:14 GMT
Yikes, is that normal behavior for your ILs? That was most definitely passive aggressive and extremely immature and self centered. I say let them have their tantrum. Invite the people from their list that you want there and leave it at that. I'm so sorry this upsets you so much. Your hands are clean. Their reaction to this is way over the top and very manipulative. I hope you are able to have a great celebration for your dd because that is what matters the most.
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scrappinghappy
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“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Jun 26, 2014 19:30:06 GMT
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Post by scrappinghappy on Oct 31, 2017 14:08:58 GMT
Ugh, when our kids had their b'nai mitzvot we didn't ask my mom or dh's parents for a guest list at all. It was our party for our child and we did the guest list. Can IL's pay for their guests? Would that ease the burden. And why, oh, why, wouldn't your dh talk to his parents. So not your task.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 31, 2017 14:09:36 GMT
That kind of thing would make me crazy too. I’m sorry venting about it didn’t make you feel better because it sounds to me that your extended family members are acting like entitled jerks. I would think you as the parents of the kid being celebrated and hosts of the event should have some say in who will be invited. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and that it’s sucking some of the joy out of what should be a fun celebration.
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Post by jumperhop on Oct 31, 2017 14:11:02 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you. Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford. This! Wow, that is so passive aggressive. In the future you know not to ask them to make a list and just add the realatives and people you know from their usual list. Jen
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Post by littlemama on Oct 31, 2017 14:11:11 GMT
I would have just let them know that you needed to cut the list, compiled a list of the people your family doesn't know, and sent it to them. If that was the criteria, you would have known who you wanted removed.
ETA: I am in no way siding with your ILs, by the way. Just brainstorming a way to avoid their passive aggressiveness. My MIL wanted us to invite a bunch of people we didn't know to our wedding that we were paying 90% of (as well as children). Her rationale? They are Italian, they give good money. Our wedding guest list was 91 people, of which 70 came. We didn't want people we didn't know. Hell, we had to cut people we DID know so we could afford it!
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Post by 16joy on Oct 31, 2017 14:11:59 GMT
I'm assuming you and your husband are paying for the party...Your party and you have final say on the guest list. Keep the people you want from their original list and throw away the rest of the names. Allow dd to add the guests she wants since it's her celebration.
if the ILs are paying for any portion, they get a proportional amount of guests.
let this be a lesson for the future wedding list.
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psiluvu
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Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Oct 31, 2017 14:12:15 GMT
Are your inlaws paying? If no, make the list with people you want there and screw them. Apparently they already dislike you so why cater to them. Include the people on their side that you know but why on earth would you pay for complete strangers. I am guessing if you don't know them then your dd doesn't either. Isn't this supposed to be all about her?
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Post by stampinfraulein on Oct 31, 2017 14:12:50 GMT
I guess I don't understand why they get to dictate who comes to YOUR party, that YOU are paying for? And why you feel guilty for standing up to them? Set some boundaries, do your own thing and invite the people you want to invite. Quit letting them walk all over you. If they're mad at you for that, well, then you know they are wrong. Stand up for yourself!
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perumbula
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Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Oct 31, 2017 14:14:04 GMT
You were being way more nice than you needed to giving them the opportunity to add names to your list in the first place. It's your party for your dd. I very much agree with librarylady Take away their power and make your own list. Breathe deep and move on. Treat them like you would any toddler having a tantrum: ignore it. You can still have a fun party.
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Deleted
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May 15, 2024 18:43:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 14:16:54 GMT
Unless they are paying for the party, why do they (or the other grandparents) get to add to the guest list. I can not imagine my DD's grandparent's friends being invited to any event we are hosting.
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 31, 2017 14:17:47 GMT
You control the invitations right? You are paying for this party, correct? Instead of taking their list as absolute must haves, why not take their list as a mere suggestion of who they would like to see invited. Then pick and choose which of those people are most important to your family and your daughter. If they don't like it, tough shit. It's not their party.
Good luck! I hope the party is fabulous and goes off without a hitch! Ignore your inlaws and do not let them ruin your daughters special day with their negativity.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Oct 31, 2017 14:19:22 GMT
Are your inlaws paying? If no, make the list with people you want there and screw them. Apparently they already dislike you so why cater to them. Include the people on their side that you know but why on earth would you pay for complete strangers. I am guessing if you don't know them then your dd doesn't either. Isn't this supposed to be all about her? I guess I don't understand why they get to dictate who comes to YOUR party, that YOU are paying for? And why you feel guilty for standing up to them? Set some boundaries, do your own thing and invite the people you want to invite. Quit letting them walk all over you. If they're mad at you for that, well, then you know they are wrong. Stand up for yourself! This is your party for your DD. Not their party. You were being nice and accommodating asking them at all who they would like to invite. It's still your decision who actually gets an invite or not. Have a backbone and continue to tell them what needs to be said. There should be NO guilt in that!
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janeinbama
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Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Oct 31, 2017 14:19:41 GMT
Your daughter, your party. I agree with posters, you pick the guest list and I would add DDs friends back. She has been studying and preparing for this day and does not need it spoiled by others. Congratulations to you guys and your daughter!!!
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blue tulip
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Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Oct 31, 2017 14:23:44 GMT
I would have just let them know that you needed to cut the list, compiled a list of the people your family doesn't know, and sent it to them. If that was the criteria, you would have known who you wanted removed.
ETA: I am in no way siding with your ILs, by the way. Just brainstorming a way to avoid their passive aggressiveness. My MIL wanted us to invite a bunch of people we didn't know to our wedding that we were paying 90% of (as well as children). Her rationale? They are Italian, they give good money. Our wedding guest list was 91 people, of which 70 came. We didn't want people we didn't know. Hell, we had to cut people we DID know so we could afford it!
i don't think it's too late to do this, actually. say you were disappointed with the cuts that were made, as you are friends/actually know them and want to share the event with them. send the list of people you don't know and tell them x number can come, of their choosing.
or, thank them for their "suggestions" for the guest list and invite who you want.
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Post by LisaDV on Oct 31, 2017 14:25:00 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you. Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford. This. So sorry. That is way passive aggressive.
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Post by summer on Oct 31, 2017 14:25:36 GMT
Why do your in-laws get a say in the guest list at all? You are hosting the party, you get to decide who is invited. Period. Invite the family and friends that have a relationship with your daughter. Don't invite anyone she doesn't know. Don't let your in-laws spoil this event or the planning of it for you. It's not worth the stress and taking sleeping aids. Take back the power. This is not their event, you do not need to give into any of their demands.
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Post by LisaDV on Oct 31, 2017 14:27:02 GMT
I would have just let them know that you needed to cut the list, compiled a list of the people your family doesn't know, and sent it to them. If that was the criteria, you would have known who you wanted removed.
ETA: I am in no way siding with your ILs, by the way. Just brainstorming a way to avoid their passive aggressiveness. My MIL wanted us to invite a bunch of people we didn't know to our wedding that we were paying 90% of (as well as children). Her rationale? They are Italian, they give good money. Our wedding guest list was 91 people, of which 70 came. We didn't want people we didn't know. Hell, we had to cut people we DID know so we could afford it!
i don't think it's too late to do this, actually. say you were disappointed with the cuts that were made, as you are friends/actually know them and want to share the event with them. send the list of people you don't know and tell them x number can come, of their choosing.
or, thank them for their "suggestions" for the guest list and invite who you want.
This is good too.
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lindas
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Jun 26, 2014 5:46:37 GMT
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Post by lindas on Oct 31, 2017 14:27:33 GMT
You're ILs are definitely being unreasonable but your mistake was not setting a number they could invite to begin with.
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maryannscraps
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Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Oct 31, 2017 14:29:11 GMT
I would take both parents' lists as suggestions, as blue tulip said. I'd start with who you and DD want to invite, and fill the rest of the invites with whomever you want from the suggestion lists. It's your party being thrown for your daughter. No reason to invite people you and she don't know.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 31, 2017 14:29:49 GMT
I love the recommendation to thank them for their suggestions and then invite who you know/want to. If they have all these other folks they want to invite let them have their own darn party. It's super sad that your dd has to cut folks from her list so strangers can come to her party.
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Post by verdepea on Oct 31, 2017 14:31:20 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you. Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford. I agree with this... invite the friends/family you know and that are fun. Its supposed to be a fun day. You are nice enough to ask everyone to submit a list, asking them to refine the list is very reasonable. Since they are being passive aggressive about it, then you take over. And tell them, your family is more comfortable celebrating with people who know your daughter personally. But that needs to stand for all sides of the family.
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rodeomom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Oct 31, 2017 14:32:36 GMT
This makes no sense in my world! Why would anyone want people that don't know and love your DD at HER party?? This party is for her and she should have everyone she wants to come before anyone else is put on the guest list. Your INL's are being real jerks. And you DH should handle them.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Oct 31, 2017 14:38:30 GMT
I guess I don't understand why they get to dictate who comes to YOUR party, that YOU are paying for? And why you feel guilty for standing up to them? Set some boundaries, do your own thing and invite the people you want to invite. Quit letting them walk all over you. If they're mad at you for that, well, then you know they are wrong. Stand up for yourself! This I get. Every time we called to tell them we didn’t want people we don’t know the things they said to dh make me cringe. They treated it like it was their list - so their attitude made it worse. It was so dumb. Why am I feeling bad about it. My list. My party. My money. If they had offered to pay for some of the extras perhaps I would have given in a bit but it also has to do with dd’s comfort level. It’s her party.
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rodeomom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Oct 31, 2017 14:41:24 GMT
I guess I don't understand why they get to dictate who comes to YOUR party, that YOU are paying for? And why you feel guilty for standing up to them? Set some boundaries, do your own thing and invite the people you want to invite. Quit letting them walk all over you. If they're mad at you for that, well, then you know they are wrong. Stand up for yourself! This I get. Every time we called to tell them we didn’t want people we don’t know the things they said to dh make me cringe. They treated it like it was their list - so their attitude made it worse. It was so dumb. Why am I feeling bad about it. My list. My party. My money. If they had offered to pay for some of the extras perhaps I would have given in a bit but it also has to do with dd’s comfort level. It’s her party. You really don't have to tell them anything about the party. Just send them an invite.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 14:43:20 GMT
Why on earth are you allowing anyone to invite people to your party? YOU are in charge of who attends.
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Post by andreasmom on Oct 31, 2017 14:48:18 GMT
I know it’s hard. I have the world’s worst MIL. Take back the control of your party and don’t feel bad about it. This is about your DD and it is a major spiritual milestone. They don’t get to ruin it.
Option 1: send them 5/10 (whatever number you feel comfortable with) invites and they can choose who to send them to. Option 2 : thank them for their suggestions and choose who you want to be there.
Just remember, this is not a wedding and they are not active participants to get “their share” of guests. You asked for input out of courtesy.
(((Big hugs))))
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Post by phoenixcov on Oct 31, 2017 14:49:36 GMT
Your DH made you call? I think not dear Sir. Your parents = your problem. I totally agree with what other peas have said about saying thanks for the suggestions and then inviting people that you want.
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