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Post by 50offscrapper on Feb 18, 2018 7:38:13 GMT
I was invited to a personal (lingere)bridal shower at a restaurant. Small just just family and maybe a couple of friends. We got a texted invite that stated that the two sister in laws to be were hosting the shower. I thought I would probably have to pay for my meal, wave of the future and all. I think asking guests to pay is tacky. I think punch and cake at a home is preferable. But I digress.
Anyway, the waiter comes by and says the meal was preordered. We all get served the same thing so I then assumed they were paying for my meal. Nope, at the end we all got our bill.
So, I think it was super tacky to order for me when I am paying for it. A restricted menu would be understandablebut we didn’t get to pick. I noticed a few didn’t even touch their plate.
Anyway, I can afford it but that is not my point. When did it become customary to invite guests and then make them pay? I understand things are expensive but you can still have a celebration and just provide cake and punch at your home.
I think if the occasion is a birthday and the group celebrates each other’s birthdays then Dutch is great.
Thoughts on my situation? Thoughts on asking guests to pay for meals in general?
I googled this and found it interesting.https://sendomatic.com/blog/invitation-wording-guests-pay-no-host-dutch/
Wave of the future?
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939 
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Feb 18, 2018 7:45:17 GMT
Weird. I would expect to pay at a restaurant, but pre-ordering the meal is strange. I'm not at all picky, but if I am paying for my own meal I expect to pick it as well.
I have no idea if it is the wave of the future, but I validate your annoyance.
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PLurker
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Posts: 9,754
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Feb 18, 2018 7:48:51 GMT
I hope not. Don't like. I want to know if meal in invited to is on me AHEAD of time and then get some choice in what I eat. Or the choice to stay away.
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Post by nlwilkins on Feb 18, 2018 7:49:50 GMT
I would have least have liked a heads up about the situation. If I have to pay, then I need to know sometimes in advance in order to be sure to have sufficient funds. Also, what if I was unable to eat something that was ordered for me, or if I hated what was being served? Did the meal cost any less due to it having been the same for all the guests? If not what was the point of it? To save time?
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,037
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 18, 2018 7:55:57 GMT
Uh oh, I'm attending a baby shower at a bakery/restaurant next month, now I'm really curious how the meal/paying etc will work out!!
I'd imagine the pre selected meal was dictated by the venue, but having guests pay and not at least get a choice between 2 is not cool IMO.
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katybee
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,400
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Post by katybee on Feb 18, 2018 8:07:42 GMT
Tacky!
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Post by dewryce on Feb 18, 2018 8:34:26 GMT
I would have been fine with paying for my meal, but not it being preselected for me in that case. These days with dietary restrictions I think a one size fits all approach should be a thing of the past in any circumstance regardless of who is paying.
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AllieC
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Posts: 3,063
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Post by AllieC on Feb 18, 2018 8:34:27 GMT
Pre-ordering a meal is not something that I would expect but in Australia the whole "host pays for everything" isn't common. Most of the time unless specifically noted, I would expect to pay for my meal/drinks if I was invited to a birthday or something else at a restaurant. When someone invited you to their home for dinner for example the norm is to BYO alcohol.
Not tacky in my opinion to have to pay, not a great idea for them to pre-order.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 18, 2018 12:43:13 GMT
See, I guess I'm really old fashioned. I would expect that if I'm invited to a shower/party, that the refreshments will be provided.
They don't need to be expensive. Cookies and coffee at home is fine.
And how embarrassing if in the situation you were put in, if anyone didn't have money on them to cover it.
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SweetieBsMom
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Posts: 4,652
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Feb 18, 2018 12:49:14 GMT
See, I guess I'm really old fashioned. I would expect that if I'm invited to a shower/party, that the refreshments will be provided. They don't need to be expensive. Cookies and coffee at home is fine. And how embarrassing if in the situation you were put in, if anyone didn't have money on them to cover it. Then I’m really old fashioned too because I totally agree. |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 18, 2018 12:55:15 GMT
TACKY. I have food restrictions - I'd have been pissed about paying for a meal I couldn't eat.
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 18, 2018 13:01:36 GMT
I have never heard of such a thing.
I prefer hosted events on whatever scale the host can afford. But absolutely, even though when an event is at a restaurant, I assume it’s possible I am paying, I would never assume that I was paying but that the “host” would order for me. That is basically asking me to pay your catering bill.
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Post by peasapie on Feb 18, 2018 13:05:48 GMT
I’ve never heard of being asked to pay to attend a shower. So you have to buy the gift AND pay for your meal AND sit there through the long, boring shower? That would be a non starter for me. I would take a pass and send a gift. If the bridesmaids couldn’t afford it, they should have hosted something very casual at home, as it used to be. When my daughter got married I told the maid of honor to plan anything she wanted for the shower and I would pay.
I don’t mind birthdays at a restaurant where everyone pays their own meal. We do this often with a group of friends. But what’s next in the shower scenario? You each pay for the wedding meal and have to bring a gift as well?
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 18, 2018 13:09:15 GMT
If anyone thinks this situation of host picking entree, then expecting guest to pay, is okay... where is the line drawn?
Okay for a shower?
How about a wedding reception?
Could you imagine eating the salad course, the entree, and being brought a bill before the wedding cake was cut?
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Feb 18, 2018 13:11:00 GMT
That's just really poor hostessing.
A group of people agreeing to meet at a restaurant to celebrate something is different - then you fully expect to pay your own, but also to get to select what you're paying for.
When invited to a restaurant for an event like a shower, the situation gets a lot murkier. To clarify, the invitation should clearly state that guests are "going Dutch" so nobody is caught unaware. And guests should at least be offered some choice.
A hostess has a clear responsibility to make guests comfortable at an event. These hostesses failed that.
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Post by Fidget on Feb 18, 2018 13:11:30 GMT
That is terribly tacky. The guests should not have to pay for their own meal. I don't mind a cash bar at these types of things, but the meal should be covered. If you can't afford to pay for everyone then as others have mentioned, have a small gathering at your home with light refreshments rather than a meal.
We had a birthday celebration for my MILs 85th recently, 50 people. We selected three different menu options, the restaurant then printed up special menu's for us, and the guests selected from that. We instructed the servers to let anyone with a special need to order whatever they wanted. We did do a cash bar, and that was listed on our special menu, so folks knew before they ordered that they were expected to pay for any alcohol.
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casii
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Post by casii on Feb 18, 2018 13:12:37 GMT
Tacky, and I'd have considered sending the food back once I knew I was expected to pay the tab. I'm celiac.
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Post by Really Red on Feb 18, 2018 13:37:58 GMT
It's only been recently (in the last 5-6 years) that I've heard of inviting people to restaurants and making them pay. It does shock me. If I knew upfront and if it were someone very special to me, of course I'd pay, but NEVER would I expect my meal to be chosen for me.
Just when you think you know tacky!!
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Post by lisae on Feb 18, 2018 13:39:41 GMT
I think asking guests to pay is tacky. I think punch and cake at a home is preferable. But I digress. I completely agree with this. The only time I think it is appropriate to ask guest to pay for their own meal is a birthday party at a restaurant and then people should be able to order and pay for what they want to eat and drink. Being invited to a shower means you have to bring a gift. They want you to bring a gift and pay for your meal and pay for the food you might not even want to eat? Rude and tacky. |
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 18, 2018 13:40:44 GMT
TACKY. I have food restrictions - I'd have been pissed about paying for a meal I couldn't eat. That was my thought, too. I can't eat dairy, so I'd be in the same boat. |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Feb 18, 2018 13:59:43 GMT
Very tacky. I understand why they 'wanted' to do the set meal for X people, it made it easy on the kitchen and all people could be served quickly. But tacky, none the less. As long as it didn't contain lima beans I'd eat it.
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Post by gar on Feb 18, 2018 14:09:44 GMT
See, I guess I'm really old fashioned. I would expect that if I'm invited to a shower/party, that the refreshments will be provided. They don't need to be expensive. Cookies and coffee at home is fine. And how embarrassing if in the situation you were put in, if anyone didn't have money on them to cover it. Then I’m really old fashioned too because I totally agree. Me too. But people don’t want to have to be realistic about their budget, they don’t want any restrictions, they just wanna have what they wanna have! I would be a bit cheesed off at having to pay for something I might not have liked. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Feb 18, 2018 14:25:06 GMT
See, I guess I'm really old fashioned. I would expect that if I'm invited to a shower/party, that the refreshments will be provided. They don't need to be expensive. Cookies and coffee at home is fine. And how embarrassing if in the situation you were put in, if anyone didn't have money on them to cover it. I'm not young. But going to a cookies and coffee at home wedding shower vs. a pay for a meal at a restuarant.. I would totally go for the restaurant. So I don't think it is is always about the money but sometimes about the experience. If I got a text inviting me to a shower at a restaurant. I would expect to pay for my meal and kick in for the brides. If there was a formal invitation my expectation would be different. I do think its odd that the meal was preordered. They should have shared that info via text. |
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Feb 18, 2018 14:31:33 GMT
I think two threads on the board just collided.. The one entitled "two worlds just collided" and the political food parcels thread. People with allergies should not have to receive, much less pay for inedible food. People who are expected to pay should be aware and be able to choose.
I vote tacky and entitled, or at least disorganized and unable/ unwilling to communicate clearly. Also, a sign of the times/ future, unfortunately.
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Post by amp on Feb 18, 2018 14:31:36 GMT
TACKY. I have food restrictions - I'd have been pissed about paying for a meal I couldn't eat. That was my thought, too. I can't eat dairy, so I'd be in the same boat. Same here...I'm vegan, and I'd be upset if I wasn't told in advance about this. I'd probably not say anything, but still...if I was the bride, I wold want my friends to be happy. I'm calling this tacky due to lack of communication. |
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Post by librarylady on Feb 18, 2018 14:33:04 GMT
Rude/tacky/without manners--and any other negative you want to throw into the description.
19 years ago our DIL's baby shower was a "pay for yourself" event. Really poorly handled all the way around.
Silly me, I thought since the invitation was at 2 PM on a Sunday that it was a dessert and punch sort of affair
but held in the room at the restaurant. We rushed through our lunch--only to find out we were the only stupid
ones who were not ordering a meal. I was not the only guest for whom it was a disaster.
FF to 12 years ago when a nephew's wedding invitation included an invitation to the reception--$11/each please.
We declined that invitation.
People are getting ridiculous and have no idea what hosting an event even means.
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Post by monklady123 on Feb 18, 2018 14:36:41 GMT
I think I might have just not eaten and then declined to pay for it, depending on what it was. I'm gluten free so mostly I think I would have just passed. I'd have ordered a drink and that's it. I can survive without one meal until I get home.
It's not the paying for it myself part that I object to, it's having it pre-ordered without any consultation about what was being pre-ordered. That's just odd.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Feb 18, 2018 14:38:06 GMT
Like a normal shower isn't bad enough. This just makes me hate showers even more.
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Post by Bitchy Rich on Feb 18, 2018 14:42:46 GMT
Ha ha ha. May as well just have handed the receipt for the gift to the bride, so she could reimburse you. What a shit show. I've been invited to showers in restaurants and it's always been paid for the hostess, never the guests. If you do the ordering, you do the paying.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 3:43:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 14:47:12 GMT
I was invited to a personal (lingere)bridal shower at a restaurant. I think having a "personal" shower at a restaurant is beyond tacky, unless you had your own room. Years ago my elderly MIL, young niece and daughter, and I were seated next to a "personal" shower at an Olive Garden of all places. I had to keep asking the children to look away when the bridge held up and passed around various toys, books, edibles, outfits and such. The mother of the groom kept squealing ."STOP, he is my son!!!!!!" as the ladies passed around the gifts, giggled, and shared tips. Also, paying for your own meal at a shower=tacky. |
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