Can I ask a stepparent question?

I'm a retired teacher - I rarely heard the term 'step' used by anyone when talking to parent or child. Maybe when I had the first interaction with a new parent, they may have told me something like "I'm John's stepmother", but from then on it was Mom. Kids (2nd grade) very rarely used 'step' - when they did I knew there was some friction there and knew to pay attention. 

I have always referred to my stepdaughters as 'my stepdaughter, J___," in conversation or "L___'s (Dh) daughter, A" I don't think I've ever referred to them as my daughter. They introduce me as their stepmother.

I think it would be disrespectful to their mother, if I were referred to as mother or if I called the daughters. She gave birth to them and raised them. She and her daughters are very close. I'm their dad's wife.

I have occasionally referred to their children as "my grandson" but only because it is shorter and easier. I also call their spouses 'my son-in-law' because it is easier than saying 'my step son-in-law.'

My oldest stepdaughter is a stepmother herself and her son calls her Mom and she is very angry if anyone doesn't consider her his mom. She and his father raised him and the mother is almost completely out of the picture. The biological mom might see the boy once every 2 years or something like that.

There was so much stigma attached to stepparents and especially stepmothers in movies and tv when I was growing up. I think a lot of my friends who are stepparents now are trying to break that stigma and simply let it be known how much the child is loved by them, regardless of biology.

I think it's fine if all the people involved are good with it. So bio mom, bio dad, step parents, and kids.

I have a step-mother, but I was already married when my father remarried. My mother died when I was 22, a month before the wedding. Dad remarried 3 years later ( was 25). I refer to them as my parents and with casual acquaintances, I'm introduced as "our daughter", or I'll introduce myself as J & P's daughter. For those who know that it's a second marriage, I'll say I'm J's daughter, but I'll refer to them as my parents. I do call step-mom by her first name, but the kids call her Grandma, just like DH's parents. They never knew my mom and step-mom has been their grandmother their whole life. She really is a wonderful woman and there are several pictures of mom up in the house, in amongst the other relatives photos.

It doesn't take away from my mom. She was my mother and always will be. But for simplicity and love for P, this works for us.

I see zero problem with it. Or with using the term stepchild. Depends upon the dynamic in the family.

I find it creepy and extremely disturbing that my 70 year old cousin’s husband calls her children son and daughter, and those are his grandchildren. He has only know them for a few years. Actually I find it disturbing she calls them her children. She was a deadbeat parent. Those kids raised themselves.

So it all depends on the circumstances.

Maybe some step parents use the word step out of respect for the child's biological parent and not because they love the child any less. I admit it might irritate me to hear another woman calling my children her children, especially if she was married to my ex.

Judging how other people describe their relationships isn't on my radar. I accept, respect, & echo whatever label they chose.

Then I would take this as an open commitment to these children as well as their father. I would give her points for trying, at least, and silently wish her well.

I can offer a bit of insight from a stepchild.  My son was about 5 or 6 and was in the grocery store with his stepmother.  They ran into someone she knew and she introduced my son as “my son, name” and my son immediately felt uncomfortable and said, “her stepson” to the woman.  When they got back to the car, his stepmom gave him shit about it and told him to never embarrass her in public like that again.  Totally not the way to have handled that in my opinion.  She told his father and he was punished for it.

When he came home to me and complained about it he said that he knew his stepmother resented me and wanted to pretend that I didn’t exist. He was angry that she considered herself his mom, and that saying that felt like an insult to me in his eyes and felt they just wanted me to disappear so they could pretend to be a happy little family.  He was very resentful and asked if he was wrong.  We all lived in the same area.  My ex and this wife had a very tumultuous relationship, which of course my child picked up on.  I told him feelings were never wrong, but action can be.  I asked if his intent was to embarrass her.  He asked why being his stepmother would be embarrassing to her.  He truly was just trying to set the record straight.  He was a very factual little guy.  

In my opinion, she should never have gotten angry with him and should have gone along with the stepmother/stepson designations if that is what my son was comfortable with.  She could have explained that she loved him as if he was her son, but she didn’t do that.  They eventually divorced and my son’s biggest worry was whether he had to start doing a visitation with her for a weekend.  I told him he was welcome to keep up a relationship with her if he chose to, but that no, no one was going to force visitation like what happens between moms and dads.  Big sigh.  I never heard him speak of her, and whether he saw her from his dad’s house, I don’t know.

I think loving a child as if they were your own is awesome and natural, but that the cues need to come from the child.

My kids ex step mom did that and it annoyed the dog shit out of me. When I would meet a teacher or something they would cock their head and say “I thought your name was Betty?” And I would respond “no, that’s their crack head step mom. I’m the real mom”.

I knew eventually my ex would figure out that she was literally a crackhead. He did. They’re divorcing now. She’s a disgusting excuse of a human being. I tried to get along with her for years but I stopped all communication 4 years ago when I realized what 2 face piece of shit she was. My life improved greatly but she went after my youngest about a year ago calling her a piece of white trash and a piece of shit. I didn’t let my child go back to his dads for 3 months over that one. He made his wife go to rehab for a week and suddenly everything was supposed to be better but leopards never change their dots. The wicked witch is gone now and he ever lets her back, none of my kids will be going back.

This is a tough one for me because I can kind of see it going both ways.

My DH is not my DD's biological father. Once we were past the stage of knowing he was going to be in the picture longterm (they were age 5) he has always introduced DD's as his daughters. There has never ever ever been a moment's hesitation and quite honestly, 20+ years later, I'd guess there's hardly anybody who would think they are not his biological children. It would probably shock his coworkers if it was ever brought up in discussion. It's certainly not anything we hide or don't talk about...it just doesn't come up. When DD needs advice on what's wrong with her car, she goes to DH not her bio-dad. He simply plays that role in their lives. They call him dad when talking to their brothers or referring to him in conversation, but use his first name when speaking to him directly.

My own family is a blended family. My parents didn't do a lot of parenting "right" but they did a phenomenal job with a blended family. We are brothers and sisters. Period.

Now the caveats...I have one brother and DH has one brother who refuse to drop the "step." It hurts and in my it's opinion rude. In both cases they're kind of assholish in nature anyway.

I also had an issue with DD's first stepmom wanting to be called "mom." She was an odd person and she just simply wasn't doing it out of love for my DD's. She was doing it to prove her spot in her marriage. I really struggled with that one. DDs have always referred to her as Firstname. I have also never encouraged my DDs to call DH "dad." They have a dad and for them that word has a negative connotation. DH's first name *for them* has a positive connotation.