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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 10, 2018 14:54:12 GMT
I address my mom and my stepmom “Mom”. Because of the relationships I have with each, When I refer to them, my mom is “my mother” and my stepmom is “my mom”. My daughter VERY much does this! I am mom, and if she's taking with people that know the dynamic and her bio mom comes up, she's her "mother."
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 10, 2018 17:30:07 GMT
mustlovecats , I'm glad you brought this up - it's not something to which I've given a lot of conscious thought, but now I realize I have had biases. As a specialist teacher, I don't have the same amount of contact with parents as the homeroom teachers do, and sometimes I miss out on the subtleties of what each family prefers. Now I know I need to explicitly ask, not assume. I do usually know about divorces/remarriages as part of general info about a student (and some students are -um- VERY open about what's happening at home), but I don't always know how the stepparents are to be named by the student. I imagine I would not like my kids calling someone else "Mom," but you never really know until you walk in those shoes. My friend is "Firstname" to her stepson, and she calls him stepson in deference to the (99% absent) bio mom, even though her DH has full custody, and she acts as any mom would. On the flip side, there's a dad at school who unloaded his wife and quickly remarried. The new wife is included as a full parent, which is great for the kids (she's wonderful), but extremely painful for the mother, who feels like Dad is trying to "erase" her. Who do you ask? The husband trying to erase a mother? A step-parent presenting themself as a full parent even as the other parent is actively engaged? The child who may not fully understand what you're asking, or who may be feeling a bit miffed at someone that day, or who parrots the answer that they have been taught merely to escape punishment? A parent that insists their spouse be called "Mom" or "Dad" when you ask may not share the sympathy of the child who refuses to call/refer to them that way. If you're trying to talk to the child and then present the wrong parent as "Mom" or "Dad," it could feel like you are siding with the problem and lose the trust of the child. If you have a policy, however, that can be listed on a sign mounted on your wall of how you will refer to different parental figures, you can use that as a starting point. Then, if the child tells you that "Mom" is "Margaret" to him, you can make a note of that for the future. I realize that a sign may not be a practical answer, but I do think it's good to develop a standard that you can refer to if anyone's feelings get hurt or they try to create a scene just for your own sanity.
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Post by malibou on Sept 10, 2018 17:37:34 GMT
I address my mom and my stepmom “Mom”. Because of the relationships I have with each, When I refer to them, my mom is “my mother” and my stepmom is “my mom”. My daughter VERY much does this! I am mom, and if she's taking with people that know the dynamic and her bio mom comes up, she's her "mother." I did this with the dad situation. My bio dad I referred to as "my father" to others, and simply avoided calling him anything when I addressed him. My step dad that raised me I called "my dad". With my current step dad I call him "Papa", and introduce and refer to him as "my dad". Weird huh? I simply adore the man. I asked for his permission first and he was flattered. I was in my mid 30s when he married my mom.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Sept 10, 2018 17:53:04 GMT
My mom is technically my step-mom, but I call her mom and she introduces all six of us kids (her step children) as her son/daughter. We’ve never used the word “step”. Likewise, DH is technically DS stepdad, but DS calls him pops and DH refers to him as his son. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Marina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,502
Aug 12, 2014 23:32:21 GMT
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Post by Marina on Sept 10, 2018 18:46:29 GMT
I adore my step-mom and celebrate her wedding anniversary as when we got her as well. She refers to me as her daughter. For the longest time I would introduce her as my step-mom because of my own mom. Since my mom passed I refer to her as my 2nd mom. Your friend sounds like a great step-mom. You can't have too much love in my opinion in a family especially where there are additional parents.
ETA: I do call her by her first name. We adopted her into the family when I was 18 years old so that was natural.
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Post by Mel on Sept 10, 2018 20:22:27 GMT
I have a friend whose ex-husband made their children call his new wife (who is also the woman he had a 3 yr affair with before he got divorced) "Mom" and their Mother "Chris" when they were at his house. If they referred to her as "Mom" he would correct them by saying "Don't you mean Chris?"
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 10, 2018 20:29:41 GMT
I have a friend whose ex-husband made their children call his new wife (who is also the woman he had a 3 yr affair with before he got divorced) "Mom" and their Mother "Chris" when they were at his house. If they referred to her as "Mom" he would correct them by saying "Don't you mean Chris?" He sounds like a thoroughly delightful man. /sarcasm.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Sept 10, 2018 20:41:51 GMT
And on the other hand, I've been chewed out here a few times for saying "my husband's grandchild". I think it just really depends on the relationship with those people. My husband's kids are not my "kids". He doesn't refer to my kids as his kids. None of them call us mom or dad - they call us by our names. My husband's youngest granddaughter does call me grandma and I have never corrected her. She's the closet person I have to a real grandchild.
My husband's father is really his stepfather. Been 100% his dad even though they have different last names (his dad did offer to adopt him at one point but my husband turned him down - as he was an adult at this point). One time in conversation someone referred to my FIL as "DH's stepdad" and it was like a poke in the eye. I'd literally *never* heard him called that (and we we'd been together quite a while at that point).
Neither is wrong, it's whatever is best and feels comfortable for you and your relationships.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Sept 11, 2018 0:43:33 GMT
I think it depends on the family and what they are comfortable with. My dad was a stepdad to my two brothers and always revered to them as his sons, even though one of the fathers was still kinda a presence. My brothers called him dad and still do. In that same vein I never refere to my brothers as half brothers, 5hey are simply my brothers.
My parents divorced after 32 years and my dad remarried. I was a married adult with children already so there was no way it would feel natural to call his wife Mom nor do I refer to her as my stepmother. I call her by her first name and refer to her as my Dad’s wife. Her children are simply her children, not my step sister or brother. We never lived together as a family and don’t feel as such. My kids have called her Grandma because they were either very young or weren’t born when she married my Dad. So it feels natural to them.
I have two stepchildren from my husband’s first marriage. I never refer to them in that manner and they called me by my first name always.i was neve in a situation where I had to explain our relationship. They don’t refer to our children as half siblings, just siblings like I did with my brother. I never attended school functions where it came up so maybe I was lucky. Stepchildren sounds so harsh so often. I like how Chris Janson refers to his stepkids- he detests the word, they are his bonus children. I think that is sweet.
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Post by bwife on Sept 11, 2018 2:01:02 GMT
Here is my take on it. They might say "my son" or " My daughter" because it is easier.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 or 6. My mom got remarried when i was 12 and my dad got remarried around the same time. Both my sister and I have only ever called our step parents by their 1st name. I am sure my step dad calls my sis and I his daughters or the girls when he is talking to people. When they were 1st married he would say Our girls and people that knew him a long time would look at him strange ( because they knew he didnt have a 12 & 9 yr old daughter) So then he would say "My moms name, Girls." My step dad, didnt have any other kids. We were it. Our step mom on the other hand had 4 kids, all older than us ( she was older than my dad). Any time she was talking to someone, she always, ALWAYS referred to us as "my dads name, girls" never ours. She had other kids and my sister and I knew exactly where we stood. Since about highschool I have always said "My mom and ( my step dads name)" or "My Parents". And my Dad was " My dad and Step moms name" My dad and step mom divorced about 7 or 8 yrs ago. She walked away. Never said anything to my sister and I or our kids who called her Grandma since they were born, pretty shitty if you ask me. Truly shows that we didnt matter. My hubby and I have been married for 23 yrs and I plan on only being married to him. But in the event one of our kids has a step child, I will make sure those kids are treated the same as everyone else in our family.
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 11, 2018 3:33:54 GMT
I think it is a beautiful thing when a step parent loves a child enough to think of that child as their own.
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Post by mom26 on Sept 11, 2018 3:46:26 GMT
I think it would be very cold to refer to stepchildren as stepchildren. “And this is my stepdaughter...”, calling out the fact that “no, we’re not actually related” definitely seems detached and cold to me. So you would be totally alright with your children calling another woman mom then? I would be and am. As Country Ham said, "children can never have too many adults in their lives that truly loved them." The relationship I have with my children is not diminished by the relationships they have with other caring, loving adults in their lives. Having their stepmom love and care for them like a 'mom' is something to strive for, not fight against. Why would I not want that for them and for me?
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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 13, 2018 0:17:54 GMT
Hey so I just wanted to say thanks for all the perspectives. It’s been a strange season for this friendship and I have been not fully understanding it for probably three years. This transition has been very odd for many and caused some ripples in our circle of friends. I have stayed out of that part of it and just try to be a friend without offering thoughts or advice where it’s unsolicited. I do know this is not a conversation to have with my friend at this time.
It feels different watching a new stepparent relationship emerge than t does learning about what my students call their families. I’ve always had kids with steps, and what I really need to know there is who I’m supposed to communicate with and what the family dynamics are so I know how that impacts kids’ learning (such as what happens if Jimmy leaves his gym shoes at dad’s but it’s mom’s week). This is the closest person to my life who has had a divorce/ remarriage/ stepparenting scenario and it’s very different to watch it unfold from this angle.
Anyway I learned some perspectives and appreciate them.
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Post by pretzels on Sept 13, 2018 0:54:19 GMT
Sometimes my husband calls my son and daughter, "my son" or "my daughter," and sometimes he refers to them as his "stepson/daughter." I think it just depends on the amount of explanation he wants to go into. My kids' father is involved in their lives and we share custody of our 16-year-old daughter. My husband has no children of his own.
My kids call him by his first name at home, and refer to him as their stepdad to their friends and such.
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