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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 9, 2018 18:30:42 GMT
I think it would be very cold to refer to stepchildren as stepchildren. “And this is my stepdaughter...”, calling out the fact that “no, we’re not actually related” definitely seems detached and cold to me. So you would be totally alright with your children calling another woman mom then?
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Post by mom on Sept 9, 2018 18:39:02 GMT
My oldest calls my husband 'dad' - because his dad disowned him. My youngest calls my husband by his first name. DH calls both boys his sons - we have been married since the youngest was 2.
My dad remarried 9 months after my mom died (I was 34). I call that woman 'my dads wife'. She had no relationship to me, didn't raise me, etc. My boys call her by her first name - they already had a grandma and she isn't the gramother type.
FWIW, my boys call their step-mom by her name. But she refers them as 'her boys' (before they disowned the oldest).
It is what it is. I figure the more people that my kids have in their corner, the better.
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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 9, 2018 18:46:30 GMT
Judging how other people describe their relationships isn't on my radar. I accept, respect, & echo whatever label they chose. I appreciate good sanctimony as much as the next guy, but I didn’t come into this with judging, I asked a question about something I don’t have any real experience with. Those are totally different things.
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Post by mom on Sept 9, 2018 18:55:24 GMT
I think it really depends on the dynamics of the families. I have a really good friend who has 2 sons. She and the father divorced when they were really young. He got remarried. She got remarried. It took some time but they are now a very well blended family. The step-mom absolutely refers to the boys as her sons. She doesn't do it to take the place of their mom, who is very much in the picture. She was as much part of their upbringing as was the mom and dad.
Growing up, my dad wasn't in the picture. In fact, I didn't meet him until I right after I turned 20. My mom remarried when I was 6. For all intense and purposes, he was my dad. I called him dad. I used his last name for awhile. He never adopted me, so about middle school age, I had to start using my legal name (all through elementary they didn't have an issue, when I got to middle school, they told me I had to choose). Well, he left my mom for another woman summer before my freshman year in high school. I never called him dad after that. I always refer to him as my step-father. This is how my family is. I am very much in the picture, but their stepmom calls them hers as well. The way I see it, her being called mom takes nothing away from my relationship with my boys. And for about 1/2 the time, she is the female role model in their life when I am not there.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 9, 2018 18:56:03 GMT
Judging how other people describe their relationships isn't on my radar. I accept, respect, & echo whatever label they chose. I appreciate good sanctimony as much as the next guy, but I didn’t come into this with judging, I asked a question about something I don’t have any real experience with. Those are totally different things. You didn't say anything wrong. I think PaperAngel just made a general statement. You just wanted to hear opinions and experience. Until you are in these shoes, I think you don't realize just how often people do judge. And it doesn't matter which way we go on this, people will judge.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Sept 9, 2018 20:03:50 GMT
I think it would be very cold to refer to stepchildren as stepchildren. “And this is my stepdaughter...”, calling out the fact that “no, we’re not actually related” definitely seems detached and cold to me. So you would be totally alright with your children calling another woman mom then? Yes. I have no problem with my DD’s stepmother. She has her quirks but I’m not threatened by her relationship with my DD. I also understand that our situation isn’t usual and every relationship is unique so while we don’t have issues, that doesn’t mean other relationships shouldn’t.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 9, 2018 20:10:37 GMT
I think it varies so much by the individual family dynamics and relationships, that there just isn't one right way.
DH's cousin came into his second marriage with 3 kids, his new wife had 2 and they went on to have one together. All the kids refer to their stepparent by their first name, the parents both say they have 6 kids with no qualifiers. None of the kids consider their half brother as anything other than a brother, and vary in how they refer to each other. The oldest tend to use "step" when talking about their stepmom's kids, while the younger ones just use brother/sister.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 9, 2018 21:41:33 GMT
A dear friend has 3 step siblings and 5 1/2 siblings. If you were to meet her and ask her about her siblings, she doesn't differentiate between them. She even has a younger brother that is adopted. They are her sisters and brothers. Her mom and dad.... Her mom refers to her step kids and her kids...but their mom passed a long long time ago. I am amazed at how well they ALL get along.
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Post by jennoconnell on Sept 9, 2018 21:46:43 GMT
She went from being the one who hated kids (incl friends’ kids) and didn’t want any of her own ever in her first marriage to being instant mom in her second. It was kind of sudden I guess. Based on this statement, I wonder if what you are reacting to is that it kind of sounds like she is being disingenuous and is taking credit for being a parent without having done any of the actual parenting work (so far)?
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Post by Minty118 on Sept 9, 2018 21:52:57 GMT
For me, it totally depends on the relationship.
My parents finally divorced when I was 18. My dad had a couple relationships where I wasn't close to, or didn't like his girlfriend. I would have been upset if either of them had called me their daughter. They certainly weren't my mom. When I was 26, my dad met the woman he ended up marrying. They are perfect for each other. So much better than my parents being together. I absolutely love my stepmom. She is a much better mother to me than my own selfish, narcissistic mother is or ever could be. My stepmom calls me her daughter and my kids her grandkids because we are. We call her by her childhood nickname or just her first name.
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dani
Shy Member
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Nov 26, 2014 17:19:28 GMT
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Post by dani on Sept 9, 2018 22:04:47 GMT
I haven’t posted in a long time but I had a stepson with ex. I tried to call him my son but he and my ex were not comfortable with it. His mother wasn’t really active in his life.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Sept 9, 2018 22:12:23 GMT
Step parenting is a no win situation. Saying “my daughter/son”will piss off people thinking the step parent is overstepping and it’s not their place to title it like that...on the flipside you have people that will say when a step parent uses the term “step daughter/son” it’s creating a divide and the step parent don’t care for the child...you can’t win either way.
Best advice...I don’t judge the situation because hopefully the step parent sat down with the kids and and the bio parents and discussed all of this so feelings wouldn’t be hurt and everyone that matters is ok with it.
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Sept 10, 2018 1:44:05 GMT
Judging how other people describe their relationships isn't on my radar. I accept, respect, & echo whatever label they chose. I appreciate good sanctimony as much as the next guy, but I didn’t come into this with judging, I asked a question about something I don’t have any real experience with. Those are totally different things. As neither a stepchild or stepparent, I made the general statement that I simply don't evaluate others' relationships or how they label them. Your OP, however, IMHO is riddled with judgement; own it!
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Sept 10, 2018 1:50:44 GMT
Step parenting is a no win situation. Saying “my daughter/son”will piss off people thinking the step parent is overstepping and it’s not their place to title it like that...on the flipside you have people that will say when a step parent uses the term “step daughter/son” it’s creating a divide and the step parent don’t care for the child...you can’t win either way. Best advice...I don’t judge the situation because hopefully the step parent sat down with the kids and and the bio parents and discussed all of this so feelings wouldn’t be hurt and everyone that matters is ok with it. I agree that it can be a no-win situation. How many times have we seen a mom who is upset that her kids are calling another woman mom? I have friends and co-workers who get upset about this. I think it can be easier if all adults are okay with and not threatened by the other parental figures, or if there is no involvement or presence by the biological parent, but it's a tricky thing to navigate when so many people are involved. In general I agree that children can't have too many people who love and support them - but it sometimes isn't that simple. As a teacher I've seen too many situations where biological parents can't get along, and then adding step-parents into the mix just complicates the relationships.
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 10, 2018 1:54:15 GMT
I didn't have great stepparents, so I always referred to them that way. I do say "my stepdaughter" because that's what she is. That being said, we have a wonderful relationship and I also get along well with her mother. If my stepdaughter has children, I expect to just say "my grandchildren", though. I'll be in their lives as soon as they're born, so I don't see any reason not to.
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 3:19:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2018 2:46:11 GMT
I can answer for our family unit! This is my 2nd marriage & DH's 4th. All of our children were adults when we got together and then married. My 2 adult children followed us to FL and moved in with us. DD30 still LOVES her Dad, but she adores her step-Dad. DS28 had a falling out with his Dad (not any of my doing!! I try to keep communication open since he IS their bio-dad), and his step-Dad has done more for him in his entire lifetime than his own Dad did.
DH was loving, but strict with DS, and it's exactly what he needed to finish a sober program and move on with a healthier life. DS refers to DH as his "dad", "father", etc... He moved out 2 months ago and is now near his bio-Dad but won't go out of his way to see him. It's sad.... DS calls his step-Dad almost daily, out of love, concern and friendship. It's very sweet!!!
DH does refer to my adult children as his children, simply because it's easier to refer to them that way; that's all. He'd NEVER try to take the place of their bio-dad, ever!
As far as I'm concerned, I am the step-mom of 3 children that are DH's. The eldest one lives in Germany (where DH met a woman and had baby #1 with her). He came here and I instantly loved him! He refers to me as "mum". Cute! His daughter refers to me as "Grandmum", and her young son also refers to me as a "great Grandmum". Too sweet!
DH's other 2 adult children just call me by my name..........
If the kids were all young toddlers, I believe it would be a different story, but it's fine the way it is! DH's adult children are only concerned with their father, and they look at me as the one who cares for their Dad; that's it..........
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 10, 2018 5:01:09 GMT
But when she says “my daughter” or “our daughter” about her stepchildren it pings something in my brain I can’t really explain. Can a stepparent or stepchild give me some insight here? Yeah, it pings something in my brain too. My DSO doesn't refer to my DD as "daughter". I would find that weird. And if my daughter's stepmother called my DD her daughter I would be peeved. I think it depends on the ages of the kids and whether the biological parent is in the picture. My dad has 4 step grandchildren aged from 4 to 12 and they all call him Poppy. None of them ever met their biological grandfather, he died decades ago.
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Post by llinin on Sept 10, 2018 7:42:53 GMT
I married a widower. Out of respect for their late mother I call them my stepsons but usually say “the boys” when talking about them. Oldest stepson and I were talking about grandkids once and I said I’d be a rocking step grandma (again to not disrespect their late mom) and he said “you’ll be grandma” and I cried and said then I want to be mamaw.
In obituaries we never use the word step and when talking about family I never say stepniece or stepnephew.
It is a minefield. Want to be respectful and inclusive and not hurt anyone’s feelings and not seem like I’m over eager or too aloof. Sigh.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 10, 2018 9:23:03 GMT
I can offer a bit of insight from a stepchild. My son was about 5 or 6 and was in the grocery store with his stepmother. They ran into someone she knew and she introduced my son as “my son, name” and my son immediately felt uncomfortable and said, “her stepson” to the woman. When they got back to the car, his stepmom gave him shit about it and told him to never embarrass her in public like that again. Totally not the way to have handled that in my opinion. She told his father and he was punished for it. When he came home to me and complained about it he said that he knew his stepmother resented me and wanted to pretend that I didn’t exist. He was angry that she considered herself his mom, and that saying that felt like an insult to me in his eyes and felt they just wanted me to disappear so they could pretend to be a happy little family. He was very resentful and asked if he was wrong. We all lived in the same area. My ex and this wife had a very tumultuous relationship, which of course my child picked up on. I told him feelings were never wrong, but action can be. I asked if his intent was to embarrass her. He asked why being his stepmother would be embarrassing to her. He truly was just trying to set the record straight. He was a very factual little guy. In my opinion, she should never have gotten angry with him and should have gone along with the stepmother/stepson designations if that is what my son was comfortable with. She could have explained that she loved him as if he was her son, but she didn’t do that. They eventually divorced and my son’s biggest worry was whether he had to start doing a visitation with her for a weekend. I told him he was welcome to keep up a relationship with her if he chose to, but that no, no one was going to force visitation like what happens between moms and dads. Big sigh. I never heard him speak of her, and whether he saw her from his dad’s house, I don’t know. I think loving a child as if they were your own is awesome and natural, but that the cues need to come from the child. A 5-6 year old that has a mommy who has a very active role in his life is going to say something if a step-mother introduces him as her son. Your ex's ex's reaction was terrible. Introducing him as her son wasn't bad. Not gracefully accepting the honest correction from a child she was purporting to love and then having his father punish him for her terrible judgement was bad and says everything you ever need to say about the woman. Maybe I'm mistaken. If the woman described in the OP is self-absorbed like this, than mustlovecats may know her well enough to pick up that her words do not seem genuine.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Sept 10, 2018 9:48:20 GMT
My brother's now wife had a 5YO when they met. Bio-dad was a deadbeat dad, and after they married, my niece always called my brother dad, and he calls her his daughter. She changed her name legally to my brother's name even though he wasn't able to adopt her.
My dad remarried when I was in my 30s - mum had died 10 years earlier. She is my stepmother, or 'dad's wife', and I refer to her children as my step-siblings. A big part of this is that I was much older wehn she came into our lives. My children call her Nanna - they never knew their bio-nanna, and were so excited to gain a nanna when their grandfather remarried.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 10, 2018 10:28:54 GMT
I would assume that it is because she loves them, is married to their dad, and wants to foster a family unit. I feel that “Step” may be just a reminder that your being reminded that you are “less than”.
I never understood (yet still see it —even here) why some parents will say things like their new spouses aren’t allowed to discipline or punish “their” children—I would have thought a new spouse was to be included in the family unit, and everyone is blending and meshing!
I winch at the comments when I see some post this; or that kids are defiant and pull out the “you’re NOT MY DAD/MOM” when being told/asked something and the bio-parent side’s with the child (unless other adult is being too aggressive/demeaning).
I would have thunk that the ADULTS would have had a conversation about child raising a blended family BEFORE marrying/moving in together, as it’s hard enough for everyone—especially children to transition into new living arrangements.
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 3:19:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2018 10:38:51 GMT
DH refers to my boys as his sons when talking about them. If someone asks, he'll clarify that they are stepsons but only if asked. Their dad is in the picture. They call DH by his first name. They call their stepmom by hey first name as well. Both DH and their stepmom have been in their lives for 9 years. I'm pretty sure she calls them "her sons" too. Don't bother me.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Sept 10, 2018 12:22:08 GMT
My husband performed a wedding a few years ago where the bride was walked down the aisle by her father and step father. One on each arm. They both "gave her away" so to speak.
My sister has children by a couple of different men, been divorced, living together you name it. Her philosophy was that her children can never have too many adults in their lives that truly loved them and was never threatened if they called another woman "mom". It never happened in front of her though. She knew they called others "mom" but never around her.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Sept 10, 2018 12:31:05 GMT
I would assume that it is because she loves them, is married to their dad, and wants to foster a family unit. I feel that “Step” may be just a reminder that your being reminded that you are “less than”. I never understood (yet still see it —even here) why some parents will say things like their new spouses aren’t allowed to discipline or punish “their” children—I would have thought a new spouse was to be included in the family unit, and everyone is blending and meshing! I winch at the comments when I see some post this; or that kids are defiant and pull out the “you’re NOT MY DAD/MOM” when being told/asked something and the bio-parent side’s with the child (unless other adult is being too aggressive/demeaning). I would have thunk that the ADULTS would have had a conversation about child raising a blended family BEFORE marrying/moving in together, as it’s hard enough for everyone—especially children to transition into new living arrangements. I agree with you. I am not talking about abuse here. I am talking normal discipline and correction. Correction is different then discipline (punishment). Children will never run my home. They are kids. They will respect the adults as authority figures in the home. I am not talking abusive relationships here, i am talking normal run of the mill situations. Stepchildren don't get to ignore step parents directions when it comes to chores, curfews, attitude etc.
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scrappington
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in Canada
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Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Sept 10, 2018 13:08:03 GMT
I think it really depends when the step parent came into the picture
Mine came in when I was 17 and nope they are not my parents. For easier reference I do say step whatever but in most cases its my mom's live in or dad's wife.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Sept 10, 2018 13:29:50 GMT
Hypothetically, I think I would be much more likely to refer to the children as my children than to refer to myself as their mother, especially if mom is still in the picture. If bio-mom were not a factor, and the child wanted to call me 'mom', I would embrace that whole-heartedly. Either way, conversations should be had with all involved so that everyone is on the same page.
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kate
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Post by kate on Sept 10, 2018 14:17:47 GMT
mustlovecats, I'm glad you brought this up - it's not something to which I've given a lot of conscious thought, but now I realize I have had biases. As a specialist teacher, I don't have the same amount of contact with parents as the homeroom teachers do, and sometimes I miss out on the subtleties of what each family prefers. Now I know I need to explicitly ask, not assume. I do usually know about divorces/remarriages as part of general info about a student (and some students are -um- VERY open about what's happening at home), but I don't always know how the stepparents are to be named by the student. I imagine I would not like my kids calling someone else "Mom," but you never really know until you walk in those shoes. My friend is "Firstname" to her stepson, and she calls him stepson in deference to the (99% absent) bio mom, even though her DH has full custody, and she acts as any mom would. On the flip side, there's a dad at school who unloaded his wife and quickly remarried. The new wife is included as a full parent, which is great for the kids (she's wonderful), but extremely painful for the mother, who feels like Dad is trying to "erase" her.
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scrappert
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Sept 10, 2018 14:42:47 GMT
I have a different scenario as in I am not married to SO, he has a daughter that he has full custody of. She lives with us and I have been her mother figure for the last 7 plus years. Her mom has been in her life a handful of times and each time is just to cause trouble - mom for her is just a name, not actions. So in the instance of doctor appointments, dentist appointments, school conferences - I am her mom/stepmom. She calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. We have talked about our relationship, I have told her I will not take the place of her mom, that will never be my intention. But for meeting others, it's easier to be mom or stepmom. They will NEVER meet her real mom, or see her, she is just not in the picture of daughter's real life.
I think it is very important to really consider what the child wants. If this child is not old enough, then you wait until it's time for that discussion. We are a family, if very unconventional.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 10, 2018 14:43:49 GMT
When I met my "stepkids" they were 7 and 8. When ex and I married, they lived very far away, then we moved about an hour from them, so he could spend time with them. For the first three months, we just visited with them on the every other weekend schedule. We had a conversation where they asked what they should call me. I just said something to the effect of "First name" "Nickname" or mom. Anything other than step-mom really, as it's awkward.
They settled on mom. After those first few months their mom decided she couldn't be bothered to raise her kids anymore, and told my ex, "I've raised them for 7 years, it's your turn now." I'll never forget those words. We picked them up the last day of the school year and they came back to live with us. For four months or so, their mom only honored two commitments to see them, meanwhile, every other weekend on Friday when it was clear she wasn't coming it was up to ex and I to make up excuses for her. Anyway... My son (first bio child) was born after 5 months, and she actually did come to see them for a few hours. My mom was at the house when she picked them up for the day, and they excitedly told her "mom had the baby!" She apparently got a nasty look on her face and said "I didn't know I was pregnant." Both kids took it for what she meant. From then on, it was Mom (for me) in our life (she still didn't come around much for the next year and a half) and after we moved away, only saw them twice in 6 years. When she happened to be around, or on the phone, they seemed to avoid calling me anything (which was fine!)
We went through some transition in 2008 and my ex and I divorce. Son moved to live with his bio mom, and daughter stayed with me for a while, then went to live with her dad. To this day, she IS my daughter. She and her bio mom have a relationship, but I do know that she sees me more often, most of her friends and acquaintances don't know that there is another "mom." Typically once someone gets close enough that she mentions her bio mom, she refers to her as "her first name." Most people don't know she exists honestly. I lost touch with the son after the upheaval, sadly.
Anyway.. that's my .47 cents! If I had it to do again, I'd have discouraged "Mom" as a term, but I'd certainly fill the role again. I'd find some nonsensical thing for them to call me. Mostly because my bio kid (only) has a mother (he lives with me and his dad and he haven't shared a state in 10 years other than visiting) and while he has a step mom, it would horrify me, anger me, and massively hurt my feelings if he called her mom. He's always called her "First name" and while she's perfectly nice to him and he likes her, she's not his mom. Maybe we'd (all) have had a better relationship with their bio mom. I don't know.
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Post by Mel on Sept 10, 2018 14:51:53 GMT
I'm a step-kid and about to become a stepmother. I was raised by my stepfather and always called him "Dad" and even now that he's gone he is my "Dad" & my bio Father is either "sperm donor" or "Biological Father". I don't have much contact with him even though we live in the same town unless he needs something. As for my siblings, I have 8... Dad's 4 mostly grown when he married my Mom (I was 7 & my sister was 4), 1 half brother from my Father's second marriage (I barely know him, and never really knew his Mom's other kids so I don't count them in my "sibling" count), my older brother is a whoooole different post of his own, just suffice to say that I didn't grow up with him but we count each other in our sibling counts (LOL) even though we barely know each other(he's a nice guy, just lives in a different area), my sister & I share both Bio parents, and my other half-brother who is the result of Mom & (step)Dad's marriage (we were raised together, with my sister too). When Dad passed away in 2009, his first children tried to tell the funeral director that "Step-daughters" needed to be part of his obituary referring to my sister and I. My Mom stepped in and told them that we never used "step" we were his daughters, and that's how it will be printed, period. They weren't all that pleased but too bad. They sort of disowned him when he married my mom so they had no say in it. I always refer to my Fiance's daughter as "Jerry's daughter Caitlin"(she was already 20 when we got together) but when we're talking about the kids in general, I just count them all together in "the kids" or "all five of the kids". My kids call him by his name because their Dad is a part of their lives and because we've been together 3 years so it's comfortable(the youngest was 9 when we got together). When asked, they refer to him as their stepdad. Our Moms are "The Grandmas" or "The Moms" LOL We all do a lot of stuff together so it's easier that way. LOL
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