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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 9, 2018 15:10:10 GMT
I’m just asking for informational purposes, not to try to start a debate or anything. I’m not a stepparent and don’t have a stepparent so I don’t have any experience with this.
I have a friend who is a stepparent who routinely calls her stepchildren “my daughter” and “my son”. She never calls them stepchildren and only sometimes uses their names, very much uses “my kids” all the time when speaking of them. Is this a common way of speaking of a stepchild? I know she loves the children a great deal. Their biological mom is very much in the picture as they have shared custody and live in the same town. But when she says “my daughter” or “our daughter” about her stepchildren it pings something in my brain I can’t really explain.
Can a stepparent or stepchild give me some insight here?
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Post by pjaye on Sept 9, 2018 15:27:39 GMT
Technically my father was my stepfather in that I was not his biological child. I always knew this but never once in my life have I referred to him as my stepfather and I never once heard him call me a stepdaughter.
My biological father wasn't in the picture, so maybe that makes a difference. I just never felt the need to point out to everyone that he was not my biological father on a regular basis, even though as far as I was concerned it was no secret. Most of my friends know and if it comes up in conversation about genetics/inherited characteristics etc then I always mention it, so it was never that I was trying to hide the fact. But 'step' was just never a word that was used in our house. Even now he has passed away, I still don't use that term.
Blood doesn't make a family, relationships do and if it feels right using 'daughter' & 'children' then that's what they should do and it shouldn't bother anyone else. If the children's mother is in the picture, then the children clearly know who is who and if they are OK with it then that is really all that matters in their family.
My opinion would be different if the children were uncomfortable about it and the 'step' parent refused to heed their wishes, but that isn't what you posted.
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Post by busy on Sept 9, 2018 15:33:43 GMT
I guess I look at it like she’s loves them the same as biological children. I don’t see how this could be a problem. Too often people complain about stepmothers who try to minimize the relationship between a dad and his kids. Now it’s a problem if she loves them too much?
I would assume the involved parties are all ok with it and wouldn’t give a momemt’s thought.
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Post by beachbum on Sept 9, 2018 15:38:20 GMT
I'm a retired teacher - I rarely heard the term 'step' used by anyone when talking to parent or child. Maybe when I had the first interaction with a new parent, they may have told me something like "I'm John's stepmother", but from then on it was Mom. Kids (2nd grade) very rarely used 'step' - when they did I knew there was some friction there and knew to pay attention.
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Post by chaosisapony on Sept 9, 2018 15:39:45 GMT
This is normal among the stepparents I know. I was a stepkid and my stepdad called me his daughter.
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Post by lisae on Sept 9, 2018 15:56:08 GMT
I have always referred to my stepdaughters as 'my stepdaughter, J___," in conversation or "L___'s (Dh) daughter, A" I don't think I've ever referred to them as my daughter. They introduce me as their stepmother.
I think it would be disrespectful to their mother, if I were referred to as mother or if I called the daughters. She gave birth to them and raised them. She and her daughters are very close. I'm their dad's wife.
I have occasionally referred to their children as "my grandson" but only because it is shorter and easier. I also call their spouses 'my son-in-law' because it is easier than saying 'my step son-in-law.'
My oldest stepdaughter is a stepmother herself and her son calls her Mom and she is very angry if anyone doesn't consider her his mom. She and his father raised him and the mother is almost completely out of the picture. The biological mom might see the boy once every 2 years or something like that.
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Post by myshelly on Sept 9, 2018 15:58:59 GMT
I don’t think a mother/daughter or mother/son relationship is defined only by biology.
The more people who love and claim a kid and treat him as their own, the better.
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Post by padresfan619 on Sept 9, 2018 16:05:28 GMT
There was so much stigma attached to stepparents and especially stepmothers in movies and tv when I was growing up. I think a lot of my friends who are stepparents now are trying to break that stigma and simply let it be known how much the child is loved by them, regardless of biology.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,640
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Sept 9, 2018 16:06:01 GMT
I think it really depends on the dynamics of the families. I have a really good friend who has 2 sons. She and the father divorced when they were really young. He got remarried. She got remarried. It took some time but they are now a very well blended family. The step-mom absolutely refers to the boys as her sons. She doesn't do it to take the place of their mom, who is very much in the picture. She was as much part of their upbringing as was the mom and dad.
Growing up, my dad wasn't in the picture. In fact, I didn't meet him until I right after I turned 20. My mom remarried when I was 6. For all intense and purposes, he was my dad. I called him dad. I used his last name for awhile. He never adopted me, so about middle school age, I had to start using my legal name (all through elementary they didn't have an issue, when I got to middle school, they told me I had to choose). Well, he left my mom for another woman summer before my freshman year in high school. I never called him dad after that. I always refer to him as my step-father.
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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 9, 2018 16:09:55 GMT
Too often people complain about stepmothers who try to minimize the relationship between a dad and his kids. Now it’s a problem if she loves them too much? No, I was just curious is all. I think because I’m not a stepparent it gives me a little pause to think of another woman calling my kids “my daughter” or “my son” if I was still in their lives. But I am hearing from this thread that it’s pretty common actually and it shouldn’t be a thing I think about which is fine too, it just feels strange sometimes to hear. I feel like I would be the one saying, but they already have a mom. She went from being the one who hated kids (incl friends’ kids) and didn’t want any of her own ever in her first marriage to being instant mom in her second. It was kind of sudden I guess.
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 9, 2018 16:24:05 GMT
I refer to my stepsons as stepchildren only because of their ages and the length of time I’ve been in their lives. The oldest is 5 years younger than me and the youngest is 9 years younger. I married their Dad 5 1/2 years ago. They call me by my first name as do their kids. I feel like calling them my kids would have people scratching their heads. They usually introduce me as their Dad’s wife which I have no issue with. I love them all and we all have great relationships. I see nothing wrong with calling your stepchildren your kids. It takes a lot more than blood to make a family.
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 9, 2018 16:25:20 GMT
I think it's fine if all the people involved are good with it. So bio mom, bio dad, step parents, and kids.
I have a step-mother, but I was already married when my father remarried. My mother died when I was 22, a month before the wedding. Dad remarried 3 years later ( was 25). I refer to them as my parents and with casual acquaintances, I'm introduced as "our daughter", or I'll introduce myself as J & P's daughter. For those who know that it's a second marriage, I'll say I'm J's daughter, but I'll refer to them as my parents. I do call step-mom by her first name, but the kids call her Grandma, just like DH's parents. They never knew my mom and step-mom has been their grandmother their whole life. She really is a wonderful woman and there are several pictures of mom up in the house, in amongst the other relatives photos.
It doesn't take away from my mom. She was my mother and always will be. But for simplicity and love for P, this works for us.
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Post by malibou on Sept 9, 2018 16:29:47 GMT
My parents divorced when I was 2 and mom remarried when I was 3. My biological father wasn't around much, and I called my step dad Dad, and used his last name all thru school and the military. He didn't legally adopt us, but it was never an issue using his name, it was even on my social security card. Only when I went to college did I run into a problem and had to switch EVERYTHING to a last name I had never used, my birth name. Thanks for that hassle Berkeley. My mom and step dad divorced when I was 23. Many years later my mom married again. To someone I had known my whole life. I call him Papa. Step wasn't used until I was an adult and then only for explaining the dynamic.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Sept 9, 2018 16:30:32 GMT
I see zero problem with it. Or with using the term stepchild. Depends upon the dynamic in the family.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Sept 9, 2018 16:36:09 GMT
I have always referred to my step daughter as my daughter because I raised her. I was her mom 95% of the time from age 4 to 18, so yeah. And in return she was my daughter all that time as well. Her mom was not in the picture at all as, you know, a mom who mothers.
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Deleted
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Sept 21, 2024 5:40:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2018 16:38:57 GMT
I find it creepy and extremely disturbing that my 70 year old cousin’s husband calls her children son and daughter, and those are his grandchildren. He has only know them for a few years. Actually I find it disturbing she calls them her children. She was a deadbeat parent. Those kids raised themselves.
So it all depends on the circumstances.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 9, 2018 16:39:11 GMT
In the classroom, sometimes a parent would refer to a kiddo as a step kid after the first meeting. That always kind of surprised me. I always found that the parents who just called them their kids seemed more comfortable with the relationship and what needed to corrected in the classroom.
My MIL always had a hard time calling me anything but her son's wife. I promised myself I would never do that to any female welcomed into our family.
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peaname
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Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Sept 9, 2018 16:48:24 GMT
Maybe some step parents use the word step out of respect for the child's biological parent and not because they love the child any less. I admit it might irritate me to hear another woman calling my children her children, especially if she was married to my ex.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Sept 9, 2018 17:01:15 GMT
My step-father called us his daughters and son, and my husband calls my kids his daughter and son. They both think of them as their kids and not stepkids, and both have been great fathers, well loved and considered parents by their stepkids.
I should add that my kids' father passed a few years ago, and that in the case of my siblings and I, we were raised for the most part by our stepfather, and I haven't seen my biological father in over 20 years. As far as I'm concerned, my stepdad is my dad.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,788
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Sept 9, 2018 17:10:24 GMT
Judging how other people describe their relationships isn't on my radar. I accept, respect, & echo whatever label they chose.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 9, 2018 17:13:09 GMT
Technically my father was my stepfather in that I was not his biological child. I always knew this but never once in my life have I referred to him as my stepfather and I never once heard him call me a stepdaughter.
My biological father wasn't in the picture, so maybe that makes a difference. I just never felt the need to point out to everyone that he was not my biological father on a regular basis, even though as far as I was concerned it was no secret. Most of my friends know and if it comes up in conversation about genetics/inherited characteristics etc then I always mention it, so it was never that I was trying to hide the fact. But 'step' was just never a word that was used in our house. Even now he has passed away, I still don't use that term.
Blood doesn't make a family, relationships do and if it feels right using 'daughter' & 'children' then that's what they should do and it shouldn't bother anyone else. If the children's mother is in the picture, then the children clearly know who is who and if they are OK with it then that is really all that matters in their family.
My opinion would be different if the children were uncomfortable about it and the 'step' parent refused to heed their wishes, but that isn't what you posted.
My late husband was a stepchild, technically, too. His mother died while he was a toddler, so she wasn't in his life either. His father remarried while he and his brothers were still very young boys and his stepmother went so far as to adopt them so that there was no question that she was their mother and not their stepmother. Her children, whether they were her adopted stepchildren or the children she gave birth to, were her children. The kids were not to differentiate themselves by her even though, like Pjaye, it was no secret that some had a different mother. As an in-law, I am the one that pursued learning about both mothers and their families. It was a little awkward, but I tried never to step on my MIL's toes here and she gave us no grief for reconnecting with the biological mother's family. Like his mother, my husband's grandmother had died when his mother was a toddler. His grandfather remarried and this is the woman we called Grandma even though she too was a step-grandmother. Again, there was no secret being kept about that and his grandfather introduced us to 3 of his grandmother's sisters and their families. It just comes down to the particular people involved. I would guess that it's more common to leave out step when the stepparent is heavily involved in the child's life.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 9, 2018 17:21:02 GMT
Too often people complain about stepmothers who try to minimize the relationship between a dad and his kids. Now it’s a problem if she loves them too much? No, I was just curious is all. I think because I’m not a stepparent it gives me a little pause to think of another woman calling my kids “my daughter” or “my son” if I was still in their lives. But I am hearing from this thread that it’s pretty common actually and it shouldn’t be a thing I think about which is fine too, it just feels strange sometimes to hear. I feel like I would be the one saying, but they already have a mom. She went from being the one who hated kids (incl friends’ kids) and didn’t want any of her own ever in her first marriage to being instant mom in her second. It was kind of sudden I guess. Then I would take this as an open commitment to these children as well as their father. I would give her points for trying, at least, and silently wish her well.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Sept 9, 2018 17:39:09 GMT
My mother remarried when I was 20. He always referred to me as his daughter. I called him by his first name, and when I refer/red to him, I call/ed him my step-dad because it explained the relationship as friendly and positive, though not by blood. (My own father is not a good person, and was in my life, but never fatherly.)
Step-dad's son was 6 when they married, but never referred to my mom as Mom, and she never referred to him as son. Step-dad died almost 15 years ago, and my mom does maintain a relationship with step-brother (I refer to him as my brother) and is grandmotherly to his children. Everyone in that current relationship refers to her by her first name.
Step-parenting is complicated, but as long as everyone is fine with the naming conventions, I wouldn't worry about it.
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Post by Lexica on Sept 9, 2018 17:58:54 GMT
I can offer a bit of insight from a stepchild. My son was about 5 or 6 and was in the grocery store with his stepmother. They ran into someone she knew and she introduced my son as “my son, name” and my son immediately felt uncomfortable and said, “her stepson” to the woman. When they got back to the car, his stepmom gave him shit about it and told him to never embarrass her in public like that again. Totally not the way to have handled that in my opinion. She told his father and he was punished for it.
When he came home to me and complained about it he said that he knew his stepmother resented me and wanted to pretend that I didn’t exist. He was angry that she considered herself his mom, and that saying that felt like an insult to me in his eyes and felt they just wanted me to disappear so they could pretend to be a happy little family. He was very resentful and asked if he was wrong. We all lived in the same area. My ex and this wife had a very tumultuous relationship, which of course my child picked up on. I told him feelings were never wrong, but action can be. I asked if his intent was to embarrass her. He asked why being his stepmother would be embarrassing to her. He truly was just trying to set the record straight. He was a very factual little guy.
In my opinion, she should never have gotten angry with him and should have gone along with the stepmother/stepson designations if that is what my son was comfortable with. She could have explained that she loved him as if he was her son, but she didn’t do that. They eventually divorced and my son’s biggest worry was whether he had to start doing a visitation with her for a weekend. I told him he was welcome to keep up a relationship with her if he chose to, but that no, no one was going to force visitation like what happens between moms and dads. Big sigh. I never heard him speak of her, and whether he saw her from his dad’s house, I don’t know.
I think loving a child as if they were your own is awesome and natural, but that the cues need to come from the child.
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Post by jenjie on Sept 9, 2018 18:11:25 GMT
I address my mom and my stepmom “Mom”. Because of the relationships I have with each, When I refer to them, my mom is “my mother” and my stepmom is “my mom”.
My mom definitely considers all the kids in the marriage as her kids. My kids call her mommom. My one brother has a closer relationship with our mother, so his kids call stepmom “Grandmom firstname”.
My dad was never fatherly to her kids. They were adults with families of their own. He loved them and loved their kids, but there was definitely a different dynamic. He was called firstname and Pop firstname. It was appropriate for what it was.
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julie5
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Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Sept 9, 2018 18:13:33 GMT
My kids ex step mom did that and it annoyed the dog shit out of me. When I would meet a teacher or something they would cock their head and say “I thought your name was Betty?” And I would respond “no, that’s their crack head step mom. I’m the real mom”.
I knew eventually my ex would figure out that she was literally a crackhead. He did. They’re divorcing now. She’s a disgusting excuse of a human being. I tried to get along with her for years but I stopped all communication 4 years ago when I realized what 2 face piece of shit she was. My life improved greatly but she went after my youngest about a year ago calling her a piece of white trash and a piece of shit. I didn’t let my child go back to his dads for 3 months over that one. He made his wife go to rehab for a week and suddenly everything was supposed to be better but leopards never change their dots. The wicked witch is gone now and he ever lets her back, none of my kids will be going back.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 9, 2018 18:15:14 GMT
I think neither is right or wrong. I think us adults should take our cues from the kids though. When I speak about the children as a group I always say we have five children. My stepdaughters refer to me as their stepmother and so I refer to them as my step children. The youngest was not even a year and a half when we started dating. She was learning to talk. She did refer to me as momma sometimes, and I did correct her by using my first name. Her mother has a live in boyfriend and she calls him daddy and my DH daddy. I saw just how hurt my husband was by this. And so I decided it was best not to step on their mother's toes and risk hurting her by the little one calling me mommy.
It has nothing, IMO, to do with love. It has everything to do with respect. And I think we should follow the kids lead.
I have already decided when I'm a grandmother I am going to ask the little ones to call me Gigi. I have a last name that starts with G. So I thought Gigi could be short for Grandma G... This way my step children's mom can have the title of grandma. Because I don't want to take away from her in any way.
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Kerri W
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Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Sept 9, 2018 18:16:37 GMT
This is a tough one for me because I can kind of see it going both ways.
My DH is not my DD's biological father. Once we were past the stage of knowing he was going to be in the picture longterm (they were age 5) he has always introduced DD's as his daughters. There has never ever ever been a moment's hesitation and quite honestly, 20+ years later, I'd guess there's hardly anybody who would think they are not his biological children. It would probably shock his coworkers if it was ever brought up in discussion. It's certainly not anything we hide or don't talk about...it just doesn't come up. When DD needs advice on what's wrong with her car, she goes to DH not her bio-dad. He simply plays that role in their lives. They call him dad when talking to their brothers or referring to him in conversation, but use his first name when speaking to him directly.
My own family is a blended family. My parents didn't do a lot of parenting "right" but they did a phenomenal job with a blended family. We are brothers and sisters. Period.
Now the caveats...I have one brother and DH has one brother who refuse to drop the "step." It hurts and in my it's opinion rude. In both cases they're kind of assholish in nature anyway.
I also had an issue with DD's first stepmom wanting to be called "mom." She was an odd person and she just simply wasn't doing it out of love for my DD's. She was doing it to prove her spot in her marriage. I really struggled with that one. DDs have always referred to her as Firstname. I have also never encouraged my DDs to call DH "dad." They have a dad and for them that word has a negative connotation. DH's first name *for them* has a positive connotation.
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MizIndependent
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Sept 9, 2018 18:20:23 GMT
I think it would be very cold to refer to stepchildren as stepchildren.
“And this is my stepdaughter...”, calling out the fact that “no, we’re not actually related” definitely seems detached and cold to me.
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Post by jenjie on Sept 9, 2018 18:24:47 GMT
The Bradys made it look so seamless, didn’t they? After that first episode, it was never shown that they were ever anything than the perfect family. The one time it was mentioned was when Marcia nominated Mike for dad of the year. “And even when he punishes me...”
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