Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 29, 2019 3:57:12 GMT
I got the call tonight.
I feel so horrible. We didn't have a close relationship. In fact, I hadn't seen him in 2 years, 1 month. We didn't grow up together. I can only think of one time he was visiting where I lived (we have the same dad), but I know there must have been other times, because I have a photo of when I was a baby and we were both sitting with our dad and mum-mum.
We spent more time together as adults. But life wasn't fair to him, and I understood why he resented me.
I'm just heartbroken for a life he should have had, but won't. He was so young. Early forties. There were so many bad turns in his life that he had no control over. And then by the time you're 18 and have any control in your life, how do you dig yourself out of that hole? I feel so sad that his only child died in utero a day and a half before the due date. Sad that he never married. Sad that he wasn't pushed to complete school. Sad that he never knew anything but poverty.
And I'm selfish because I'm also sad that I will never have more of a relationship with him. There's nothing more to build. No more time. Poof. He doesn't exist anymore. All night I've been thinking about the small things that were big things for us because we didn't grow up together and it didn't come naturally. Thinking about small favors. Thinking about the fact that I only have one photo of him that I took from a few years ago, and how touched he was when I printed him & his gf out a few copies, because he never even owned a camera to take pics with.
I'm sad that he stayed away from the family. And that he died alone, in a shitty efficiency apartment, in a shitty neighborhood.
Thanks for listening to me, friends.
ETA 1-29-2019 evening:
I just want to say thank you all so much for your hugs, your thoughts, your prayers. It has all truly helped a great deal, just being able to read your kind words.
Thank you to those who reminded me to be gentle with myself. I'm taking your words to heart. It's so weird how fast you can go from smiling and weepy, to angry at the unfairness, to feeling guilty for not doing more, giving more, fixing more.
Thank you all again. For a bunch of people who happened to find each other online, you really are the best friends a woman could ask for. (((Hugs)))
I feel so horrible. We didn't have a close relationship. In fact, I hadn't seen him in 2 years, 1 month. We didn't grow up together. I can only think of one time he was visiting where I lived (we have the same dad), but I know there must have been other times, because I have a photo of when I was a baby and we were both sitting with our dad and mum-mum.
We spent more time together as adults. But life wasn't fair to him, and I understood why he resented me.
I'm just heartbroken for a life he should have had, but won't. He was so young. Early forties. There were so many bad turns in his life that he had no control over. And then by the time you're 18 and have any control in your life, how do you dig yourself out of that hole? I feel so sad that his only child died in utero a day and a half before the due date. Sad that he never married. Sad that he wasn't pushed to complete school. Sad that he never knew anything but poverty.
And I'm selfish because I'm also sad that I will never have more of a relationship with him. There's nothing more to build. No more time. Poof. He doesn't exist anymore. All night I've been thinking about the small things that were big things for us because we didn't grow up together and it didn't come naturally. Thinking about small favors. Thinking about the fact that I only have one photo of him that I took from a few years ago, and how touched he was when I printed him & his gf out a few copies, because he never even owned a camera to take pics with.
I'm sad that he stayed away from the family. And that he died alone, in a shitty efficiency apartment, in a shitty neighborhood.
Thanks for listening to me, friends.
ETA 1-29-2019 evening:
I just want to say thank you all so much for your hugs, your thoughts, your prayers. It has all truly helped a great deal, just being able to read your kind words.
Thank you to those who reminded me to be gentle with myself. I'm taking your words to heart. It's so weird how fast you can go from smiling and weepy, to angry at the unfairness, to feeling guilty for not doing more, giving more, fixing more.
Thank you all again. For a bunch of people who happened to find each other online, you really are the best friends a woman could ask for. (((Hugs)))