luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:51:25 GMT
Very interesting topic in our household. When current DH and I moved in together, we kept old friends on social media and in real life, however, that grew thin quickly and we both decided to just remain friends with people we haven't been in any relationships with (no exes, no flirty friends...). DH joked about my not trusting him for the first year we were together. Granted, I've been burned and DH cheated on all 3 of his former wives! We learned to be very honest and upfront and if either of us was uncomfortable with a too-flirty friend, we'd pull back with them or make it crystal clear that we were in a respectful relationship. It's been almost 11 years that we're together and I haven't worried for a long time, but if either of us made demands on whom we could remain friends with in the beginning, it never would have worked. Good luck!! Thanks. You are very brave to be with someone that was upfront enough with you to admit that he cheated three times. Thank you for sharing that though.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:58:30 GMT
You post things as if you live in a vacuum and as if your recent actions don't count. From people in "normal" relationships you are going to get one answer. However, your current situation is not exactly normal, so the answers you are getting won't really apply to you. From a recent post of yours: You met him on Facebook, spent 4 days with him and then 2 months later moved in with him...and it's been what? 3 months now? Now you are still talking to other men on Facebook...and you really can't see why he has an issue with this? You met him on Facebook, and flew to another state (leaving your kids behind) to live with him 8 weeks later. I'd say he has some reason to be concerned. he already knows how easily you moved in with him and he's probably thinking you'd do it again with another man. He's an alcoholic (currently sober) and has two ex wives. I'm thinking there's a lot more that you're going to find out that you don't like about him, and the same goes for him. He probably wasn't expecting that his new live in girlfriend would spend so much time texting/talking about other men. Also people you meet in real life and spend time with and get to know, that you add to Facebook, most (not all) of those can be called friends. Men you meet on Facebook and have never met in real life aren't "friends" and you shouldn't be thinking they can be relied on if this relationship fails. You've made the decision to go and live with this man...then you need to focus on getting to know him and making it work. Stop constantly texting other men who aren't real friends, stop saying you'll donate a kidney to one of them. instead focus on the actual man you have in front of you. based on just what you post here...no wonder he's insecure. I am just catching up on some of the reading… I definitely do not think my recent actions do not count. I realize what I did was crazy but I had my reasons for doing it. Maybe nobody can understand it but me. My life in California was very dysfunctional and unhealthy. I am very happy with the person I am becoming now that I am finally free of that. I often go out on my own and am enjoying exploring my new area and getting to know a new group of people. I do miss my kids a lot but we do not have to live geographically close for me to still be there for them. Most kids their age are off to college and not under the thumb of their parents any longer anyway so this just seems like that.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 4, 2019 4:58:39 GMT
I think the norm these days is to have a number of mixed gender friends. It’s not unusual. You say you don’t even know your dh if 24 years anymore. So how can you possibly say you can judge this man of 3 months, or anyone else? I think we all as mothers give up some things when our kids are growing up. That’s being a mother. What exactly did you give up or do that wasn’t the norm in your marriage? You never addressed working towards some self sufficiency? Do you help with the bills? Is it an equal partnership?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 8, 2024 0:30:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 5:09:51 GMT
Very interesting topic in our household. When current DH and I moved in together, we kept old friends on social media and in real life, however, that grew thin quickly and we both decided to just remain friends with people we haven't been in any relationships with (no exes, no flirty friends...). DH joked about my not trusting him for the first year we were together. Granted, I've been burned and DH cheated on all 3 of his former wives! We learned to be very honest and upfront and if either of us was uncomfortable with a too-flirty friend, we'd pull back with them or make it crystal clear that we were in a respectful relationship. It's been almost 11 years that we're together and I haven't worried for a long time, but if either of us made demands on whom we could remain friends with in the beginning, it never would have worked. Good luck!! Thanks. You are very brave to be with someone that was upfront enough with you to admit that he cheated three times. Thank you for sharing that though. OH believe me, I wasn't even looking for a relationship until we met. He opened up to me all about his past. He said that his ex wives don't even know about his cheating, but he thought they cheated as well. They were all bad relationships begun for the wrong reasons. And I admit that when my 25+ year marriage was ending, we both dated people before our divorce was final. DH has opened up and told me that this is the first relationship ever that he's never cheated or left. He says that he has everything he needs in me and I am blessed to feel the same way.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 5:14:51 GMT
Thanks. You are very brave to be with someone that was upfront enough with you to admit that he cheated three times. Thank you for sharing that though. OH believe me, I wasn't even looking for a relationship until we met. He opened up to me all about his past. He said that his ex wives don't even know about his cheating, but he thought they cheated as well. They were all bad relationships begun for the wrong reasons. And I admit that when my 25+ year marriage was ending, we both dated people before our divorce was final. DH has opened up and told me that this is the first relationship ever that he's never cheated or left. He says that he has everything he needs in me and I am blessed to feel the same way. Aww, that’s super sweet. ❤️ There are some people that subscribe to the belief that you should not date until you’re final. However, we are not one of them. We are both not final but my ex left 2-1/2 years ago and I was not about to continue to wait while my he drags his feet. He filed in May 2017, ironically within days of meeting his new girlfriend.
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Post by Zee on Mar 4, 2019 5:15:49 GMT
Well I fully expected him to have issues just from your first posts about him. Sorry 😒 Can you elaborate on that? Yes, many people told you it was too soon to move in with him because you didn't really know him and he showed signs of being a bit controlling. He seems insecure and your new posts seen to reinforce that, with the organ donation and now this. I'm just afraid that it doesn't bode well for the future. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am, but red flags were there and still are there.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 5:20:42 GMT
I think the norm these days is to have a number of mixed gender friends. It’s not unusual. You say you don’t even know your dh if 24 years anymore. So how can you possibly say you can judge this man of 3 months, or anyone else? I think we all as mothers give up some things when our kids are growing up. That’s being a mother. What exactly did you give up or do that wasn’t the norm in your marriage? You never addressed working towards some self sufficiency? Do you help with the bills? Is it an equal partnership? I gave up my hobbies, friends, career and just about anything else I had going on prior to meeting my husband and/or having kids. I basically dedicated myself to him/them. I know that that is the norm to some extent while raising children but I feel like I did it even moreso than average. I didn’t really take time to nurture myself and have outside friendships away from them/him. I know that is on me for that decision but I don’t plan to do that again. Yes, I do contribute to bills. I am definitely not getting a free ride. I am trying to keep track this month of what we actually spend to see if it is equal. I think it is, mostly anyway.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 5:23:32 GMT
Can you elaborate on that? Yes, many people told you it was too soon to move in with him because you didn't really know him and he showed signs of being a bit controlling. He seems insecure and your new posts seen to reinforce that, with the organ donation and now this. I'm just afraid that it doesn't bode well for the future. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am, but red flags were there and still are there. Oh yeah, I can see what you’re saying. The organ donation thing was a surprise too because I could’ve sworn I mentioned it before I came out here. It is somewhat flattering that he seems so into me but yet I know that can also go too far in one direction. I definitely need to be aware of that and I am encouraging him to go out with people other than me and hopefully meet some new friends. As I have heard from others, he said he lost a lot of friends when he became sober 3 years ago as they were drinking buddies and did not feel comfortable continuing to go out with him if he wasn’t drinking. He said he also lost quite a number after his divorce for a similar reason.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 4, 2019 11:47:22 GMT
You post things as if you live in a vacuum and as if your recent actions don't count. From people in "normal" relationships you are going to get one answer. However, your current situation is not exactly normal, so the answers you are getting won't really apply to you. From a recent post of yours: You met him on Facebook, spent 4 days with him and then 2 months later moved in with him...and it's been what? 3 months now? Now you are still talking to other men on Facebook...and you really can't see why he has an issue with this? You met him on Facebook, and flew to another state (leaving your kids behind) to live with him 8 weeks later. I'd say he has some reason to be concerned. he already knows how easily you moved in with him and he's probably thinking you'd do it again with another man. He's an alcoholic (currently sober) and has two ex wives. I'm thinking there's a lot more that you're going to find out that you don't like about him, and the same goes for him. He probably wasn't expecting that his new live in girlfriend would spend so much time texting/talking about other men. Also people you meet in real life and spend time with and get to know, that you add to Facebook, most (not all) of those can be called friends. Men you meet on Facebook and have never met in real life aren't "friends" and you shouldn't be thinking they can be relied on if this relationship fails. You've made the decision to go and live with this man...then you need to focus on getting to know him and making it work. Stop constantly texting other men who aren't real friends, stop saying you'll donate a kidney to one of them. instead focus on the actual man you have in front of you. based on just what you post here...no wonder he's insecure. Well, not sure where to start with everything you wrote but for starters, I did not leave my children behind. They are now grown and welcomed here at any tome. I lived within 5 miles of them for 2 1/2 years after my divorce and barely saw my son especially. He was emotionally manipulative and used me simply for money. He’s 18 now and needs to figure out that I am not his ATM. As far as the men being fake friends, I actually have met most of them in person. Not all of them are Facebook friends. The one in Chicago that I have thought about donating a kidney to at some point is a Facebook friend but I have met in person. I also think that people you meet online can be real friends even if you don’t ever meet in person. And it’s not like I spend a lot of time texting other people. It is a once in a while thing. Maybe once a month or so. Sure, what I did was very quick but I knew my ex-husband for 24 years and now looking back, I don’t think I really knew him much at all. I’ve heard many stories of successful quick relationships. It’s not the amount of time you know someone, it’s the person. Anyway, I appreciate your input but it seems like you are jumping to conclusions on what little I post online. To say that I left my children is pretty harsh when that’s not the case at all. My daughter is almost 22. California never felt like home to me but I do respect that it is home to them. I had visited Pittsburgh many times since my parents grew up here and it does feel comfortable to me. I finally decided to go off and seek my own happiness after giving up myself for my husband and kids. If that makes me a bad mom now, so be it. I gave them all I could and it is up to them to decide their future path now. You’re taking what pjaye stated in a totally different direction —not once did she say or imply you were a bad mom. She laid out in a brief, non-sugar coated, linear fashion of what you, yourself, have posted. I agree. He may be seeing you communicate with other men on FB and be uncomfortable with it. He’s had 2 ex wives—did they cheat? He might think that you’re lining up a back up plan already. You admit here “that ifbit goes south...” maybe you’re projecting? He might think you’re really not that into him. With this, plus you offering up a kidney to someone, a man you only know from FB, he might feel like you’re one got one foot out the door. while giving a kidney is admirable, one needs to take into consideration those you live with—the aftercare affects everyone. If it’s him being obsessive controlling, then that’s a whole ‘nother issue.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 4, 2019 12:25:40 GMT
Now, the answer to your OP question is yes. It should be okay for men and women to be friends, non-romantically.
It’s the baggage each brings that dictates how it’s going to play out.
My hubby and I both had/have opposite gender friends.
Most of the female friends (maybe 6-10) my hubby has brought along since prior to me have drifted out of his life (meaning he does not see them or communicate with them anymore for no particular reason on his end) their lives, families, jobs pulled them in other directions, and with at least 3, they realized that my hubby wasn’t interested in them romantically, so they went on to greener pastures! lol. He does have lots of female FB friends, just mostly from high school/college that any conversation is on the FB wall.
The only females he really “does things/goes places with” without me are related to us, sisters, nieces, cousins, aunts. (Ex: he’s gone to scary movies (which I hate and won’t) with my sister, amusement parks with nieces (he gets asked often—he’s that cool uncle, lol! And they call when they need an even number, ha ha!) concerts (I get tense in crowds and some concerts I just cannot take!) with sisters, siblings, aunts...). No particular reason that it evolved this way, just his circle I guess!
I have more male friends than female friends, mostly because of work.
I do have a few male friends that I go out with to lunches and dinners, almost always in groups of us, our spouses, other friends. Spouses are never excluded, and come when they want.
I do have a close friend who I talk to, text, see, do stuff with every week. He’s married too, kids. We lunch together, plan dinners with our families and friends, go shopping both grocery and fun shopping (he is my spirit animal with a love for Home Goods like mine!)
Neither of us have any relationships with others that are secluded or private from the other. Neither of us are uncomfortable with one another’s friends.
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Post by gar on Mar 4, 2019 12:34:03 GMT
Of course it is.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 8, 2024 0:30:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 12:37:00 GMT
I think it's perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex. I have, I still keep in touch with many of them from my Uni days. DH doesn't mind, he has some too. I became firm friends with one of them after she moved near to where we live with her DH a couple of years ago. It's a trust thing. If that trust isn't there from both sides it wouldn't work.
Is this the same guy that you are having the " donate a kidney" issues with? If so, I would seriously re evaluate this relationship. Seems like the start of a controlling thing to me. A big red flag is going through my mind.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 12:48:14 GMT
I think it's perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex. I have, I still keep in touch with many of them from my Uni days. DH doesn't mind, he has some too. I became firm friends with one of them after she moved near to where we live with her DH a couple of years ago. It's a trust thing. If that trust isn't there from both sides it wouldn't work. Is this the same guy that you are having the " donate a kidney" issues with? If so, I would seriously re evaluate this relationship. Seems like the start of a controlling thing to me. A big red flag is going through my mind. Yes it is. We were going to be going out and about today but looks like we will be staying in for the most part since neither of us feels all that great. It might be time for a chat. I will definitely not stand for someone that tries to control me. I don’t do well with that regardless of who it is or gender. My last roommate tried to do that and it did not end well.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 4, 2019 12:51:26 GMT
Are you in therapy? I really think you need to work on you before you commit to this guy or any guy. It’s like you’re attempting to make up for lost time with men.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 12:52:07 GMT
Now, the answer to your OP question is yes. It should be okay for men and women to be friends, non-romantically. It’s the baggage each brings that dictates how it’s going to play out. My hubby and I both had/have opposite gender friends. Most of the female friends (maybe 6-10) my hubby has brought along since prior to me have drifted out of his life (meaning he does not see them or communicate with them anymore for no particular reason on his end) their lives, families, jobs pulled them in other directions, and with at least 3, they realized that my hubby wasn’t interested in them romantically, so they went on to greener pastures! lol. He does have lots of female FB friends, just mostly from high school/college that any conversation is on the FB wall. The only females he really “does things/goes places with” without me are related to us, sisters, nieces, cousins, aunts. (Ex: he’s gone to scary movies (which I hate and won’t) with my sister, amusement parks with nieces (he gets asked often—he’s that cool uncle, lol! And they call when they need an even number, ha ha!) concerts (I get tense in crowds and some concerts I just cannot take!) with sisters, siblings, aunts...). No particular reason that it evolved this way, just his circle I guess! I have more male friends than female friends, mostly because of work. I do have a few male friends that I go out with to lunches and dinners, almost always in groups of us, our spouses, other friends. Spouses are never excluded, and come when they want. I do have a close friend who I talk to, text, see, do stuff with every week. He’s married too, kids. We lunch together, plan dinners with our families and friends, go shopping both grocery and fun shopping (he is my spirit animal with a love for Home Goods like mine!) Neither of us have any relationships with others that are secluded or private from the other. Neither of us are uncomfortable with one another’s friends. Sounds like it works really well for you guys. That’s great. I think the bottom line is that he is insecure and freely admitted but he needs to work through that on his own. I can’t and won’t change who I am just to please someone else. Been there, done that. I have encouraged him to have outside friendships away from me, regardless of gender. We’ll see how this goes. I do enjoy his company, we have a ton in common and he’s very thoughtful and considerate in most instances. I can see this is his red light issue though. Hopefully we can find a way to work through it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 8, 2024 0:30:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 12:55:06 GMT
I think it's perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex. I have, I still keep in touch with many of them from my Uni days. DH doesn't mind, he has some too. I became firm friends with one of them after she moved near to where we live with her DH a couple of years ago. It's a trust thing. If that trust isn't there from both sides it wouldn't work. Is this the same guy that you are having the " donate a kidney" issues with? If so, I would seriously re evaluate this relationship. Seems like the start of a controlling thing to me. A big red flag is going through my mind. Yes it is. We were going to be going out and about today but looks like we will be staying in for the most part since neither of us feels all that great. It might be time for a chat. I will definitely not stand for someone that tries to control me. I don’t do well with that regardless of who it is or gender. My last roommate tried to do that and it did not end well. Control starts very subtly little by little and treating someone "like a princess" and assuring them that "you" are all he needs is pretty common when it comes to what will eventually become domestic mental abuse. I assume that you haven't made many new female friends having only just moved to the area so you are a prime target to being " all his" so just be careful as you go forward. Better still join some clubs that you can also have real life female friends to fall back on should you need to and a back up living accommodation.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 12:57:14 GMT
Well, not sure where to start with everything you wrote but for starters, I did not leave my children behind. They are now grown and welcomed here at any tome. I lived within 5 miles of them for 2 1/2 years after my divorce and barely saw my son especially. He was emotionally manipulative and used me simply for money. He’s 18 now and needs to figure out that I am not his ATM. As far as the men being fake friends, I actually have met most of them in person. Not all of them are Facebook friends. The one in Chicago that I have thought about donating a kidney to at some point is a Facebook friend but I have met in person. I also think that people you meet online can be real friends even if you don’t ever meet in person. And it’s not like I spend a lot of time texting other people. It is a once in a while thing. Maybe once a month or so. Sure, what I did was very quick but I knew my ex-husband for 24 years and now looking back, I don’t think I really knew him much at all. I’ve heard many stories of successful quick relationships. It’s not the amount of time you know someone, it’s the person. Anyway, I appreciate your input but it seems like you are jumping to conclusions on what little I post online. To say that I left my children is pretty harsh when that’s not the case at all. My daughter is almost 22. California never felt like home to me but I do respect that it is home to them. I had visited Pittsburgh many times since my parents grew up here and it does feel comfortable to me. I finally decided to go off and seek my own happiness after giving up myself for my husband and kids. If that makes me a bad mom now, so be it. I gave them all I could and it is up to them to decide their future path now. You’re taking what pjaye stated in a totally different direction —not once did she say or imply you were a bad mom. She laid out in a brief, non-sugar coated, linear fashion of what you, yourself, have posted. I agree. He may be seeing you communicate with other men on FB and be uncomfortable with it. He’s had 2 ex wives—did they cheat? He might think that you’re lining up a back up plan already. You admit here “that ifbit goes south...” maybe you’re projecting? He might think you’re really not that into him. With this, plus you offering up a kidney to someone, a man you only know from FB, he might feel like you’re one got one foot out the door. while giving a kidney is admirable, one needs to take into consideration those you live with—the aftercare affects everyone. If it’s him being obsessive controlling, then that’s a whole ‘nother issue. Thank you for all that. Pjaye did say that I left my children behind in California but as I posted, that’s hardly the case. Someone else (not here) has suggested the same thing and yes, that gets my dander up. I think I was a good mom and leaving California was not an easy decision by any means. My daughter‘s birthday is a week from Friday and it will be the first time that we will not spend it together and it will kill me. She was going to come out but it’s just not a good time for her so we will wait until summer and I will visit there then too. She and I are close but we have had our issues as I have posted on the peas from her high school days. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be in California anymore and I decided to jump at this opportunity. I do have a good friend here also that could be my back up if necessary or I could also just figure out something else on my own. As for the kidney guy, I did meet him on Facebook originally but have met him in person and we have been online friends for years. We have gotten somewhat close but not in a romantic way. We share things about our families and jokes and share baseball and that sort of thing. Nothing romantic at all. Even when I did visit him in Chicago, I did not stay with him. As for me saying, “if this goes south,” I am very aware of the statistics on this being successful are probably not all that high. However, I have heard of successful quickly formed relationships so maybe we will beat the odds. I would just like my friends to still be available for me whichever way this goes and me for them.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 4, 2019 13:01:55 GMT
Just sitting here trying to imagine what the guy in this situation is saying to his friends. "Met this woman, went from 'hey how ya doing' to roommates in a hot second because she was trying to flee a shit sitch in CA. She's not much of a cook, hasn't found a job yet, and is STILL online chatting with other guys. She even offered some other guy her KIDNEY! I know, right? It's crazy town up in here. Yeah, dude I have no idea what I've gotten myself into either. "
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:05:03 GMT
Yes it is. We were going to be going out and about today but looks like we will be staying in for the most part since neither of us feels all that great. It might be time for a chat. I will definitely not stand for someone that tries to control me. I don’t do well with that regardless of who it is or gender. My last roommate tried to do that and it did not end well. Control starts very subtly little by little and treating someone "like a princess" and assuring them that "you" are all he needs is pretty common when it comes to what will eventually become domestic mental abuse. I assume that you haven't made many new female friends having only just moved to the area so you are a prime target to being " all his" so just be careful as you go forward. Better still join some clubs that you can also have real life female friends to fall back on should you need to and a back up living accommodation. That is a good idea. I have gotten pretty heavily involved in Meetup groups after being here just a short time. I go to events with other groups and also have recently started my own. It is slow going making female friends as many of the social circles have been around for a long time but I am hopeful. I have already run into a number of women in my age group that are divorced also and just looking to get out and meet people. This is definitely an adventure and a journey. I think I left some people in California with their jaws on the ground as I was always the boring,?predictable one. I’m sure I shocked some people when I actually decided to move across the country. One good thing is that I feel like I’m getting back in touch with my roots and learning about my family history. Since arriving, I have gotten in touch with two cousins and then helped one of them get in touch with another one of her’s. I have never met one of the ones I have now found and only met the other one once. We may have a reunion this summer.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:07:58 GMT
Are you in therapy? I really think you need to work on you before you commit to this guy or any guy. It’s like you’re attempting to make up for lost time with men. No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. In fact, I was taking a break from the dating apps when this gentleman invited me out for a game last September. We have a lot in common and just seemed to hit it off for the most part. However, living with someone does give you a different perspective, so we are just learning more about each other and getting to know each other. I didn’t live with my ex prior to marriage and I wish I had. That could’ve avoided that whole disaster.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,910
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Mar 4, 2019 13:09:03 GMT
I agree with @dottyscrapper you need to know the signs of domestic mental abuse and be alert to any conditioning that starts.
You are both in a new relationship, bringing your own history to the table. You need an honest conversation about expectations about behaviour, hopes for the future, red lines that can't be crossed etc. Keep talking about the issues that come up and work on solving them. You would benefit from outside interests and friends especially in a new town.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 4, 2019 13:09:45 GMT
Now, the answer to your OP question is yes. It should be okay for men and women to be friends, non-romantically. It’s the baggage each brings that dictates how it’s going to play out. My hubby and I both had/have opposite gender friends. Most of the female friends (maybe 6-10) my hubby has brought along since prior to me have drifted out of his life (meaning he does not see them or communicate with them anymore for no particular reason on his end) their lives, families, jobs pulled them in other directions, and with at least 3, they realized that my hubby wasn’t interested in them romantically, so they went on to greener pastures! lol. He does have lots of female FB friends, just mostly from high school/college that any conversation is on the FB wall. The only females he really “does things/goes places with” without me are related to us, sisters, nieces, cousins, aunts. (Ex: he’s gone to scary movies (which I hate and won’t) with my sister, amusement parks with nieces (he gets asked often—he’s that cool uncle, lol! And they call when they need an even number, ha ha!) concerts (I get tense in crowds and some concerts I just cannot take!) with sisters, siblings, aunts...). No particular reason that it evolved this way, just his circle I guess! I have more male friends than female friends, mostly because of work. I do have a few male friends that I go out with to lunches and dinners, almost always in groups of us, our spouses, other friends. Spouses are never excluded, and come when they want. I do have a close friend who I talk to, text, see, do stuff with every week. He’s married too, kids. We lunch together, plan dinners with our families and friends, go shopping both grocery and fun shopping (he is my spirit animal with a love for Home Goods like mine!) Neither of us have any relationships with others that are secluded or private from the other. Neither of us are uncomfortable with one another’s friends. Sounds like it works really well for you guys. That’s great. I think the bottom line is that he is insecure and freely admitted but he needs to work through that on his own. I can’t and won’t change who I am just to please someone else. Been there, done that. I have encouraged him to have outside friendships away from me, regardless of gender. We’ll see how this goes. I do enjoy his company, we have a ton in common and he’s very thoughtful and considerate in most instances. I can see this is his red light issue though. Hopefully we can find a way to work through it. You won’t change for him, and are pretty adamant about it. Why do you expect him to?
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 4, 2019 13:16:28 GMT
He sounds very insecure. Time to re-evaluate Oh yah, he fully admits that he is. He has been divorced twice but other than this issue, things seem to be going well. I told him that I cannot be held responsible for those before me that burned him. He has brought up the issue several times and each time he says he is going to drop it but yet it seems to resurface about once a month. That is not ok. You've told him it's his problem, yet he continues to make it your problem. Yes, I have male friends. DH knows I am coming home to him. He knows when I meet my friends for lunch. We occasionally get together with one of my friends and his wife.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 4, 2019 13:18:06 GMT
Control starts very subtly little by little and treating someone "like a princess" and assuring them that "you" are all he needs is pretty common when it comes to what will eventually become domestic mental abuse. I assume that you haven't made many new female friends having only just moved to the area so you are a prime target to being " all his" so just be careful as you go forward. Better still join some clubs that you can also have real life female friends to fall back on should you need to and a back up living accommodation. That is a good idea. I have gotten pretty heavily involved in Meetup groups after being here just a short time. I go to events with other groups and also have recently started my own. It is slow going making female friends as many of the social circles have been around for a long time but I am hopeful. I have already run into a number of women in my age group that are divorced also and just looking to get out and meet people. This is definitely an adventure and a journey. I think I left some people in California with their jaws on the ground as I was always the boring,?predictable one. I’m sure I shocked some people when I actually decided to move across the country. One good thing is that I feel like I’m getting back in touch with my roots and learning about my family history. Since arriving, I have gotten in touch with two cousins and then helped one of them get in touch with another one of her’s. I have never met one of the ones I have now found and only met the other one once. We may have a reunion this summer. Are you in therapy? I really think you need to work on you before you commit to this guy or any guy. It’s like you’re attempting to make up for lost time with men. No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. In fact, I was taking a break from the dating apps when this gentleman invited me out for a game last September. We have a lot in common and just seemed to hit it off for the most part. However, living with someone does give you a different perspective, so we are just learning more about each other and getting to know each other. I didn’t live with my ex prior to marriage and I wish I had. That could’ve avoided that whole disaster. I was thinking that maybe christine58 was being kind of harsh/blunt in her post above, but then reading down more and seeing this post of yours (at the top) , I’m beginning to think she hit the nail on the head. You’re out and “heavily” making all these meet ups, FB relationships, were online dating, it certainly does sound like you’re making up for lost time! You need to take s look at you. The guy might just feel used, like you’re only there to have a roommate while you are “heavily” invested in all these meet ups.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:20:28 GMT
Just sitting here trying to imagine what the guy in this situation is saying to his friends. "Met this woman, went from 'hey how ya doing' to roommates in a hot second because she was trying to flee a shit sitch in CA. She's not much of a cook, hasn't found a job yet, and is STILL online chatting with other guys. She even offered some other guy her KIDNEY! I know, right? It's crazy town up in here. Yeah, dude I have no idea what I've gotten myself into either. " Looks like you covered it all in that one. 🤭 Actually though, I have made him a number of dishes that he seemed to enjoy. I am a picky eater and don’t eat what I make but he seems to like it, so that’s good. It is a little weird to cook when I don’t taste what I’m making but if he appreciates it, I’m good to go. I did talk to him about the kidney idea prior to getting involved with him and he seemed fine with it so I’m surprised at the change, that’s the biggest factor there although thete would be much morevto consider if I ever really did it. I’m not really “online” talking to other guys. I will message them or text them once in a while but it’s not like I’m doing it all day while he’s at work. I am somewhat looking for a job but I also have things to finish up in California and therefore may have to go back there and I realize that will not work with a new employer. I also have my eye on a job (good benefits) but it involves driving and I am waiting until the spring thaw for that. I’ve never driven in winter conditions and don’t know the roads all that well so I’m hoping to learn all that in better weather. I am doing OK financially and I make sure to help him out as best I can when he’s working. We seem to have a good system set up in that regard anyway. The whole thing with the guy friend issue came up the other day because we were talking about breast cancer or something and I mentioned his name because he had once said that his wife was still beautiful despite her masectomy (she later passed) and I said that some men leave their wives when they get sick like that. Later in the day, he said, “how is it that he knows you so well that he has your number?” I don’t really think that is much of his business since I knew my friend before I met him. Also, each time we talk about, it it seems to be a dead issue, or at least he says it is but yet it keeps coming up.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:23:01 GMT
That is a good idea. I have gotten pretty heavily involved in Meetup groups after being here just a short time. I go to events with other groups and also have recently started my own. It is slow going making female friends as many of the social circles have been around for a long time but I am hopeful. I have already run into a number of women in my age group that are divorced also and just looking to get out and meet people. This is definitely an adventure and a journey. I think I left some people in California with their jaws on the ground as I was always the boring,?predictable one. I’m sure I shocked some people when I actually decided to move across the country. One good thing is that I feel like I’m getting back in touch with my roots and learning about my family history. Since arriving, I have gotten in touch with two cousins and then helped one of them get in touch with another one of her’s. I have never met one of the ones I have now found and only met the other one once. We may have a reunion this summer. No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. In fact, I was taking a break from the dating apps when this gentleman invited me out for a game last September. We have a lot in common and just seemed to hit it off for the most part. However, living with someone does give you a different perspective, so we are just learning more about each other and getting to know each other. I didn’t live with my ex prior to marriage and I wish I had. That could’ve avoided that whole disaster. I was thinking that maybe christine58 was being kind of harsh/blunt in her post above, but then reading down more and seeing this post of yours (at the top) , I’m beginning to think she hit the nail on the head. You’re out and “heavily” making all these meet ups, FB relationships, were online dating, it certainly does sound like you’re making up for lost time! You need to take s look at you. The guy might just feel used, like you’re only there to have a roommate while you are “heavily” invested in all these meet ups. Not sure if you’re aware but Meetup groups are a way to meet other people in general. There are groups for all sorts of interests from hiking to Bunco to happy hours to cultural arts and everything in between. It’s just a way to find others that share your interests. I have also included him in doing those activities with me when his schedule allows. We actually hosted a bowling meet up group just the other day and we both seemed to really enjoy that. I am a people person and I don’t want to make him my sole person in town. I do eventually want to have a group of girlfriends that I can meet up with for coffee or a play or a concert or whatever. I started a Bunco meet up group in California years ago and it is still going strong. There have been many long-term friendships between women formed through that group. As for him possibly feeling used, that’s for him to decide. I am happy to be in a relationship with him and we seem to be clicking on most points. However, because we are new to each other and getting to know each other, there are bound to be some hiccups along the road. As for the question earlier as to how I think I can know this man, I don’t think anybody can ever really know their partner. They may say they do, but in reality, they have no idea what the other person is thinking at any given time. You often hear in the news of someone who goes off their rocker and their partner or neighbor say, “wow, he didn’t seem like the type.” Anyone can pretend to be someone else under any circumstances. As I mentioned earlier, I knew my husband for a total of 24 years and yet he seems like a stranger to me now.
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Post by mustlovecats on Mar 4, 2019 13:26:08 GMT
I don’t really hear this question as being about having opposite gender friends... to me this all sounds like questions about how to have a healthy solid relationship in a life that has undergone a lot of change and what the new roles really are.
My husband and I have been together more than half our lives now... the way we live is pretty predictable... we know what to expect of each other. We both have friends of other genders and it’s fine. But we know what that is, we have clarity about that. I feel like your recent posts about your relationship show a lack of clarity... do I commit to giving a kidney to this other friend? Do I start keeping alcohol in the house and how does that relate to his sobriety? Does he have any right to question my other friendships? I think this question is not about having male friends it is about working out your own relationship and expectations.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:31:28 GMT
I don’t really hear this question as being about having opposite gender friends... to me this all sounds like questions about how to have a healthy solid relationship in a life that has undergone a lot of change and what the new roles really are. My husband and I have been together more than half our lives now... the way we live is pretty predictable... we know what to expect of each other. We both have friends of other genders and it’s fine. But we know what that is, we have clarity about that. I feel like your recent posts about your relationship show a lack of clarity... do I commit to giving a kidney to this other friend? Do I start keeping alcohol in the house and how does that relate to his sobriety? Does he have any right to question my other friendships? I think this question is not about having male friends it is about working out your own relationship and expectations. You bring up some valid points. All this is new from the town to the people to him and everything in between. It is quite the adventure in there a bound to be some complicated situations as we navigate the new path. I have never lived with anybody that is sober and I want to respect him so I just didn’t know how it works with most people. That is a good thing about the peas, you can usually find someone who has experience in whatever situation you’re looking at in your own life. I do realize that we both come with a lot of baggage and we may even get into counseling to address some of it but I also don’t want to be controlled by anyone. I came out here to start new and see what life holds for me. I have always enjoyed visiting the East Coast but never knew I would live here. This could be the start of something great or it could be a disaster. Stay tuned.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:37:52 GMT
Kibblesandbits- I did not come out here to escape my situation in California. I was tired of running into people that knew about it and all our dirty laundry though. I wanted to go somewhere to start new where I could be by myself and not someone’s ex-wife. My parents grew up hetre and I had visited frequently until about 20 years ago. I feel comfortable here and had always enjoyed my visits not only to Pittsburgh but also to places in the area. I never envisioned myself living here but the timing of the opportunity just seemed to tell me that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes one just has to take a leap of faith and hope for the best. Staying in California was definitely not an option that I wanted to pursue. It was not it all healthy for me out there.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 13:42:34 GMT
Sounds like it works really well for you guys. That’s great. I think the bottom line is that he is insecure and freely admitted but he needs to work through that on his own. I can’t and won’t change who I am just to please someone else. Been there, done that. I have encouraged him to have outside friendships away from me, regardless of gender. We’ll see how this goes. I do enjoy his company, we have a ton in common and he’s very thoughtful and considerate in most instances. I can see this is his red light issue though. Hopefully we can find a way to work through it. You won’t change for him, and are pretty adamant about it. Why do you expect him to? [ I don’t expect him to change and necessarily be OK with me occasionally texting a guy friend. However, he needs to not bother me about it. If he is insecure about a woman having guy friends, it’s his job to work through that. It’s not my job to acquiesce to his request that I drop my friends. He can either accept it or not, that choice is his. It’s also not necessarily the Friend issue that I am holding tight to, it’s the fact that he knew that about me before getting together and he’s trying to change that. I don’t want to be changed for anybody. That’s why the kidney thing is a big deal too. As my mother says, “you can’t change horses midstream.”
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