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Post by unknown pea on Mar 4, 2019 16:55:49 GMT
You have chosen poorly. The issue has nothing to do with having opposite-gender friends. You moved in far too quickly, and now you're playing house with someone you really don't know at all. This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. You don't go to counseling to try to make someone into a good fit, you date, and when deal-breakers surface, you move on. You've behaved stupidly, and this is the natural consequence of that. “stupid” is a stretch. No, it's not.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:56:44 GMT
People are trying their best to give you some perspective, and you are only interested in defending your actions. Therapy is where you’d be able to begin seeing your actions from the perspective of the people around you, like your children, instead of from only your own. Yes, they are adults and you had rocky relationships with them anyway, so you justified moving as far away geographically as you could by pretending it was just like them going off to college. I would guess that’s not their interpretation of the situation at all. Your new boyfriend is a side effect of your problems that you were running away from. You know that old saying, “wherever you go, there you are”. Nothing will change for you unless you find someone to help you see why you make the choices you make. Iappreciate that perspective. Now that I am away from the negative influenes in CA, I finally feel free to explore who I really am. I have never been happier overall. It’s hard to portray what my life was like there but it was very difficult mentally and emotionally. My ex has told my kids things about me that aren’t true but he has a stronger influence.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:57:50 GMT
I actually feel that you can’t “really” get to know someone until you live together. Anyone can be fake while dating but it's harder to do that while living together. Even while under the same roof, people can still hide things. OMG. You are the limit. How about this? YES, IT IS OKAY TO HAVE OPPOSITE GENDER FRIENDS. NO IT IS NOT OKAY TO INSIST THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND BE OKAY WITH IT. HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. How would you like it if he insisted you accept something against your wishes? I can understand that. He will then have to figure out if he can live with or move on.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:58:28 GMT
That is your opinion and you’re welcome to it.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 4, 2019 17:01:45 GMT
If anyone doesn't know by now that teenagers are self-centered, I don't know where they've been. It's our job as parents, and people whose brains are fully-developed, to look past that and hold on. Exactly. And when we feel like giving up, one of us needs to be there to repeat this. That's friendship, that's the caring thing to do for someone. Now, I'm leaving this thread because I feel like again, this has been completely overlooked by the OP. THanks, Really Red.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 17:06:05 GMT
I have avoided posting on all of them because I just hate saying things that I know are going to hurt someone. But I am just so tired of the inability to look at this from the kids' POV. The only way I would give up on my kids is if they were a drug or alcohol addict. That's it. I know there's no helping an addict and you will ruin yourself in the process. The OP has posted for many years that her DD had issues with mental health. I look at my own two children and I see exactly how much they need me. Legal adults or not, they need my help and guidance. I think it would go so much further toward repairing her relationship with her DS if she lived close. If she lived independently, holding down a job, paying her bills on her own, showing him how much her life has improved through her own hard work. And then being persistent in trying to contact him (not being a pest) but being like, how about we go out to eat together? How about we go to a sporting event? Whatever he likes, just taking an interest in his interests. Not buying his affection, spending time with him on his terms. Because I feel like moving away was just giving up on a relationship with him and as a mother, it just doesn't compute for me. ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg) I know your story, jeremysgirl and I so admire you for this point of view. If anyone doesn't know by now that teenagers are self-centered, I don't know where they've been. It's our job as parents, and people whose brains are fully-developed, to look past that and hold on. Yes, I understand that teenagers are self-centered but in my opinion, this goes beyond that. My son is going to Portugal this month for 2 weeks (on hiis babysitting client’s dime). I’m hoping it opens his world view. Not everyone lives like San Diego does. He doesn’t seem to realize that $ is not the same after divorce as before. I did live independently for 2 1/2 years after the divorce but yet they did not change my sons actions towards me. As for my daughter, I did try to help her but if she was mad at me, she would call me every name in the book and attack me physically. Nobody deserves that, not even a parent. Any attempts to correct her/discipline her were met with disdain from her dad. I finally had to put distance between us to heal our relationship. We are a bit better now.
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Post by Prenticekid on Mar 4, 2019 17:10:37 GMT
This subject has been discussed many times over the years and, generally, it would be split down the middle. I've always thought that while men and women can be friends with the opposite sex, it is often quite problematic, and I've seen too many friendships become something else altogether right under the noses of unsuspecting partners.
You have decided to be with a man who doesn't like it, so don't be texting other guys. Or keep texting other men and incur whatever the result is. I'm sorry your other issues are creeping into the conversation. But only you can decide how much crap you want to put up with from your current boyfriend. And, the same with him, right? I had no problem with my ex being friends with other women, until he started f*cking one of them. So, I would not now be with a guy who was friends with other women in a way that I was not included.
Welcome to Pittsburgh! I lived in Mt. Washington for over 20 years, and now I live in West Mifflin. I work downtown. It is a great place to lick wounds and heal yourself. I hope you find happiness here.
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Post by gar on Mar 4, 2019 17:13:24 GMT
You obviously feel you have the answer to everything quite honestly. I find it very odd and somewhat frustrating that you ask questions then rebuff any answers you get. Good luck.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,995
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 4, 2019 17:16:09 GMT
After reading that you have no health insurance I am surprised that you were considering the kidney donation. When I read on the other post about a significant other, I did not realize you were referring to a person you are actually living with in which case it would affect him enough that he should have a say. I definately think he had good reasons to oppose it. Considering all the future implications that were brought up on that post I think he is right and is showing common sense.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 17:19:57 GMT
This subject has been discussed many times over the years and, generally, it would be split down the middle. I've always thought that while men and women can be friends with the opposite sex, it is often quite problematic, and I've seen too many friendships become something else altogether right under the noses of unsuspecting partners. You have decided to be with a man who doesn't like it, so don't be texting other guys. Or keep texting other men and incur whatever the result is. I'm sorry your other issues are creeping into the conversation. But only you can decide how much crap you want to put up with from your current boyfriend. And, the same with him, right? I had no problem with my ex being friends with other women, until he started f*cking one of them. So, I would not now be with a guy who was friends with other women in a way that I was not included. Welcome to Pittsburgh! I lived in Mt. Washington for over 20 years, and now I live in West Mifflin. I work downtown. It is a great place to lick wounds and heal yourself. I hope you find happiness here. Thank you. While I appreciate the input of others but I was surprised too that my whole life was brought up over a basic question. The Peas like to run with things and they did not disappoint! I can handle it though. Only I have to live my life thankfully. My kids are welcome here anytime.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 17:21:16 GMT
After reading that you have no health insurance I am surprised that you were considering the kidney donation. When I read on the other post about a significant other, I did not realize you were referring to a person you are actually living with in which case it would affect him enough that he should have a say. I definately think he had good reasons to oppose it. Considering all the future implications that were brought up on that post I think he is right and is showing common sense. There were some good points brought up on that thread. However, I wouldn’t further consider organ donation until I had insurance.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
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I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,398
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 4, 2019 17:22:23 GMT
It's OK to have friends of the opposite gender. They don't all want to shag you. He sounds rather controlling.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,995
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 4, 2019 17:24:27 GMT
This subject has been discussed many times over the years and, generally, it would be split down the middle. I've always thought that while men and women can be friends with the opposite sex, it is often quite problematic, and I've seen too many friendships become something else altogether right under the noses of unsuspecting partners. You have decided to be with a man who doesn't like it, so don't be texting other guys. Or keep texting other men and incur whatever the result is. I'm sorry your other issues are creeping into the conversation. But only you can decide how much crap you want to put up with from your current boyfriend. And, the same with him, right? I had no problem with my ex being friends with other women, until he started f*cking one of them. So, I would not now be with a guy who was friends with other women in a way that I was not included. Welcome to Pittsburgh! I lived in Mt. Washington for over 20 years, and now I live in West Mifflin. I work downtown. It is a great place to lick wounds and heal yourself. I hope you find happiness here. Yes, the opposite sex friendship thing is very delicate. I can see remaining friends with someone who was your friend prior to the relationship, although efforts should be made to include the current SO. Getting friendly with someone new, let’s say at work... that is different because there is more potential for the friendship to go further. Becoming friends with men you meet on line, not such a good idea.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 17:24:55 GMT
You obviously feel you have the answer to everything quite honestly. I find it very odd and somewhat frustrating that you ask questions then rebuff any answers you get. Good luck. I take everyone’s viewpoints into consideration. However, my kids are welcome here but I can’t force them to follow me. Therefore, I can’t be expected to live in CA forever just because that’s where they choose to be. I figure when they pay for it, they will come here too. There are many layers of years of hell that I went through that went into my decision. I’d finally had enough! I won’t apologize for that.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 17:27:23 GMT
Heading out! Back later! Have a nice day everyone!
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Post by femalebusiness on Mar 4, 2019 17:28:49 GMT
I haven't read the entire thread so maybe this has already been said. Trust doesn't (and shouldn't) happen overnight. Trust is not automatic it is earned. It is earned over years not days or weeks.
To me a red flag would be someone who 100% trusts someone that they have known only a very short time. That is someone who probably makes bad decisions. If you are starting a new relationship it will take time to know whether you can trust them or not.
If your boyfriend has been burned before and then hooked up with you after only a few weeks it is no wonder he is not trusting you completely. However, how he handles his own insecurities and lack of trust will be very telling.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 7, 2024 23:35:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 18:21:54 GMT
OH believe me, I wasn't even looking for a relationship until we met. He opened up to me all about his past. He said that his ex wives don't even know about his cheating, but he thought they cheated as well. They were all bad relationships begun for the wrong reasons. And I admit that when my 25+ year marriage was ending, we both dated people before our divorce was final. DH has opened up and told me that this is the first relationship ever that he's never cheated or left. He says that he has everything he needs in me and I am blessed to feel the same way. Aww, that’s super sweet. ❤️ There are some people that subscribe to the belief that you should not date until you’re final. However, we are not one of them. We are both not final but my ex left 2-1/2 years ago and I was not about to continue to wait while my he drags his feet. He filed in May 2017, ironically within days of meeting his new girlfriend. Same here. My ex purposely dragged our divorce on for years (he's a lawyer), so dating after a few years became easier. No shame in that. My DH proposed but didn't give me the ring until my divorce was marked final. He was taking my adult children in mind.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 7, 2024 23:35:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 18:42:39 GMT
You do nothing but justify your actions and his. You did leave your kids plain and simple. You have healing to do with them and yourself. Get yourself mentally healthy. He has shown you himself. I’d be running away as fast as possible. It’s great you’re reconnecting with family. You both have unresolved baggage. This won’t end well and f I didn’t know your age, you’re presenting as a love struck teenager who finally has freedom from her parents. Sorry but I call it as I see it. Not sure how what I did is “leaving my kids?” They are nearly 19 and 22. How many kids their age actually live in close proximity to their parents? Since shortly after my divorce, they have lived full-time with their dad. I just don’t see it. I will not apologize for finally seeking my own happiness. Being within 5 miles of them and barely seing especially my son was not reason enough for me to stick around those parts. There were many instances of going out with them off/on and them leaving the restaurant/mall if they deemed that what I was saying wasn’t what they felt like they wanted to hear. Their dad told them a week before me that he was planning to divorce me and I’m sure he poisoned their mind against me. The way my son treated me while visiting at Christmas was apalling. I will never return there for the holidays. Would most women stick around with that sort of treatment? I don’t think so. California has never felt like home to me even after 40 years and I wanted to explore my options. Even if this relationship doesn’t work, I will probably stay in the East Coast area. It feels more like home than California ever did. Here, I feel like I can finally breathe instead of being constantly under the microscope and have to act a certain way or say a certain thing. That’s how I lived the last 20 years of my life. My ex could not stand if there were ever any stressors in the house so everything had to be artificially peaceful. That is a very difficult way to live. This is a big reminder of what could happen if we share our personal lives here. I'm a sorry for the harsh comments. You don't owe explanations. We're not in your shoes and shouldn't judge. Gentle advice is a good thing, but pointing a finger is not cool. I, too, "left my children" with their dad in the house that *I* owned. The ex gaslit me and spent years moving money and defaulting on our mortgage without my knowledge. I would have preferred/dreamed of remaining in my house with my kids and had him kicked out but he was fighting me on it. The kids had the choice to move with me, but they were 18 & 20 and they didn't want to leave their home. I saw them weekly and eventually they both moved in with me and my 2nd DH. So, people shouldn't judge. Moving out was the hardest thing I've ever done but it had to be done. I was in therapy for a while & in marriage counseling before that. No one could understand you personal situation, unless I'm missing a lot of back story here. I wish you the best. I'd say that taking care of yourself before getting into another relationship is key & if you feel like anything is "off" with a new relationship, I'd put it on hold. I hope that you and your adult children all found peace with these changes. One thing I learned is that even if our kids are adult ages when divorce or separation happens, it could still have a profound effect on them. Finding peace for all of you is my wish for you. Good luck.
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Post by quinlove on Mar 4, 2019 18:49:16 GMT
I haven't read the entire thread so maybe this has already been said. Trust doesn't (and shouldn't) happen overnight. Trust is not automatic it is earned. It is earned over years not days or weeks. To me a red flag would be someone who 100% trusts someone that they have known only a very short time. That is someone who probably makes bad decisions. If you are starting a new relationship it will take time to know whether you can trust them or not. If your boyfriend has been burned before and then hooked up with you after only a few weeks it is no wonder he is not trusting you completely. However, how he handles his own insecurities and lack of trust will be very telling. Let me suggest that you not read the entire thread. It is very frustrating. The op has been given very helpful advice, that she requested. But, is not happy with the replies and argues about her situation. Which, if I recall correctly, no one agreed with her decision of moving across the country to be with her new, practically, unknown boyfriend. She didn’t agree with the advice then - and she argues about the advice now. 😳
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Post by femalebusiness on Mar 4, 2019 20:10:51 GMT
I haven't read the entire thread so maybe this has already been said. Trust doesn't (and shouldn't) happen overnight. Trust is not automatic it is earned. It is earned over years not days or weeks. To me a red flag would be someone who 100% trusts someone that they have known only a very short time. That is someone who probably makes bad decisions. If you are starting a new relationship it will take time to know whether you can trust them or not. If your boyfriend has been burned before and then hooked up with you after only a few weeks it is no wonder he is not trusting you completely. However, how he handles his own insecurities and lack of trust will be very telling. Let me suggest that you not read the entire thread. It is very frustrating. The op has been given very helpful advice, that she requested. But, is not happy with the replies and argues about her situation. Which, if I recall correctly, no one agreed with her decision of moving across the country to be with her new, practically, unknown boyfriend. She didn’t agree with the advice then - and she argues about the advice now. 😳 Too late. I already did. 🤪
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Post by christine58 on Mar 4, 2019 20:19:06 GMT
YOU ARE UNDER A MICROSCOPE with him. Get a fucking job, your own place and get Medicaid! This isn’t rocket science. It’s one thing when kids move away. It’s completely different when a parent up and leaves. Saw it with a friend and her grown kids. Sucked. Still sucks. cindyupnorth is right on the mark. Read it. Again and again. While I appreciate your time in responding, it seems like my posts bother you. In that case, it might be better if you skip over them. I post about situations pertinent to my life to get the experience of others that have experienced similar. Sorry if they seem repetitive to you. They are repetitive. SSDD. Your posts bother me because you don’t listen. You have an excuse every single time. And if you’re going to continue to post the same crap pull up your big girl panties and take the good responses with the bad. Or here’s a clue, get your crap together.
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Post by mom on Mar 4, 2019 20:31:26 GMT
The OP never responds to my posts so I am assuming she has me blocked, lol. Which is fine. But quit asking for 'help' when you are not interested in hearing the truth about your situation. She is only interested in people agreeing with her and honestly? Thats the biggest red flag of them all. I suspect the dumpster fire that was her life in CA will soon overtake her life in her new town. At some point you have to ask what part you have in your life being shit show.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Mar 4, 2019 20:35:29 GMT
I see both sides. I am the same my passion has been sports since Jr High. We both have friends of both sexes for decades. We knew that when we married. He also has 'work wives'. We've had that discussions on her before. Some like it some don't. For the relationship to work I think you have to make some compromises. And decide how much of the jealousy if that's what it is is too much. I hope you can find something or somoeone that goes for it..
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Post by christine58 on Mar 5, 2019 14:21:56 GMT
The OP never responds to my posts so I am assuming she has me blocked, lol. Which is fine. But quit asking for 'help' when you are not interested in hearing the truth about your situation. She is only interested in people agreeing with her and honestly? Thats the biggest red flag of them all. I suspect the dumpster fire that was her life in CA will soon overtake her life in her new town. At some point you have to ask what part you have in your life being shit show. Until she gets herself mentally healthy nothing will change.
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Post by quinlove on Mar 5, 2019 14:27:23 GMT
Exactly. It kills me when people say - I’m my own worst enemy. Um..... duh !
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 5, 2019 18:30:28 GMT
At some point you have to ask what part you have in your life being shit show. And apparently, the ex and the two kids are coexisting under the same roof. That makes a person wonder where the problem actually lies...
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Mar 5, 2019 19:43:25 GMT
Iappreciate that perspective. Now that I am away from the negative influenes in CA, I finally feel free to explore who I really am. I have never been happier overall. It’s hard to portray what my life was like there but it was very difficult mentally and emotionally. My ex has told my kids things about me that aren’t true but he has a stronger influence. yup, he sure does-- since you moved away from them!! You now have to try to have a relationship with your kids long-distance, while you're living with some guy you just barely met, thinking about giving a kidney to some OTHER guy you don't really know, except for on-line. Any wonder why your kids might think you've gone around the bend a little bit, after reading that?? What would you say if you read that about someone ELSE? Would you say 'well, that makes PERFECT sense to me!' Or would you say 'gee, maybe you should take things a little slower!' California is a BIG state; you could have moved SO many places where people didn't know your backstory, rather than moving across the entire country. I also agree that you should be in therapy-- to deal with the CRAP relationship you had with your ex-DH all those years. Learn how to LIKE YOURSELF and live BY YOURSELF. BY YOURSELF being the key. You write about doing all these fun activities, meeting all these people, etc. since you've moved away... but you don't talk about you and this guy as a couple, or doing them together. If you want to have fun on your own, now that you feel like you have the 'freedom' to do it- then DO it. ON YOUR OWN. Why drag some other guy into it? It sounds like you're treating him like an afterthought, honestly... maybe you don't realize it but you don't "need" a man in your life to make it complete. (although it sounds like you think you do, from what you've been writing and how you've been acting.)
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Mar 5, 2019 20:13:30 GMT
foolishly is probably a better word.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 7, 2024 23:35:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 21:10:48 GMT
Meh, they're synonyms, but it really doesn't matter at this point. The OP just wanted a PVM to tell her she was right. She is never the problem, it's her ex, her kids, the new guy, the Peas. She needs help that we here can neither diagnose nor help with. I hope she gets it.
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Post by cannmom on Mar 5, 2019 22:12:47 GMT
You do nothing but justify your actions and his. You did leave your kids plain and simple. You have healing to do with them and yourself. Get yourself mentally healthy. He has shown you himself. I’d be running away as fast as possible. It’s great you’re reconnecting with family. You both have unresolved baggage. This won’t end well and f I didn’t know your age, you’re presenting as a love struck teenager who finally has freedom from her parents. Sorry but I call it as I see it. Not sure how what I did is “leaving my kids?” They are nearly 19 and 22. How many kids their age actually live in close proximity to their parents? Since shortly after my divorce, they have lived full-time with their dad. I just don’t see it. I will not apologize for finally seeking my own happiness. Being within 5 miles of them and barely seing especially my son was not reason enough for me to stick around those parts. There were many instances of going out with them off/on and them leaving the restaurant/mall if they deemed that what I was saying wasn’t what they felt like they wanted to hear. Their dad told them a week before me that he was planning to divorce me and I’m sure he poisoned their mind against me. The way my son treated me while visiting at Christmas was apalling. I will never return there for the holidays. Would most women stick around with that sort of treatment? I don’t think so. California has never felt like home to me even after 40 years and I wanted to explore my options. Even if this relationship doesn’t work, I will probably stay in the East Coast area. It feels more like home than California ever did. Here, I feel like I can finally breathe instead of being constantly under the microscope and have to act a certain way or say a certain thing. That’s how I lived the last 20 years of my life. My ex could not stand if there were ever any stressors in the house so everything had to be artificially peaceful. That is a very difficult way to live. I have an almost 19 yo son and I really would not consider him an adult. I can understand how your children may feel abandoned. Honestly, you sound like you need to work on yourself and not be worried about being in a relationship right now. You would probably be better off living independently and working, instead of living with someone else.
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